We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

Agreed
Equally not attending the funeral doesn't mean they couldn't have supported the SIL practically or emotionally.

Sounds like they've a lot of resentment against her for not doing more when FIL was alive, its not uncommon at all, but we don't know the circumstances.

But OP hasn’t said the SIL in question couldn’t be arsed with her father! She has said the SIL lives too far away to provide end of life care. This is a normal part of life that happens in most families. Showing up to the funeral of your parent whom you don’t live close to is not performative and does not mean you “couldn’t be arsed” while they were living. Peoples lives take them all over it doesn’t mean they don’t love their parents or have active close relationships with them.

Not going to funerals because you don’t want to isn’t a ‘belief system’. And no one thinks funerals are for the deceased person! This all so I’ve the top

100% this. The communication OP says she had with her SIL includes her getting the hump about having “done enough” and not wanting to do any more. To then just not show up to the funeral after this and no other communication about why you aren’t attending is going to leave a very, very fowl and offensive taste in anyone’s mouth.

Well, i guess do what you want no one can force you to go. But you've got to accept that it looks bad not going to your own father’s funeral. People will most likely assume there’s been a falling out. I’d have gone to support MIL even if I hated every second.

I've noticed in families where one sibling lives close enough to provide the practical support, its the other who provides the emotional support.

Very odd - what do you think will happen at your own funeral?

You do you OP.

I believe you do not have to be present at a funeral to pay your respect to the deceased. I do however attend funerals depending on the dynamics, or to show support.

Of course people will be apposing. It's a social norm to go to a close family members funeral.

It’s been said countless times already but if OP and her DH reached out pre funeral to the wider family and respectfully clarified they weren’t attending but send their love and would be thinking of all, there wouldn’t be an issue.

Im pretty sure the wider family will be reading the “we’ve done more than enough” strop followed by the social snub exactly how most of us are reading it.

OP
you say this ‘we spend as much time with those we love and help when they are alive’.
Surely if that’s your mantra and ethos supporting loved ones that are alive at a funeral is part of your belief system.
Yes?

I agree that seeing and helping while alive is more important, but I don’t see why you can’t do both! Funerals are for the living, so they can see that support from other people who will miss the deceased. And maybe closure, makes it feel real, a symbol of transition to a world where they are really gone. If it doesn’t mean that to you, fine, but maybe you should go to support those it does have meaning to.

I think I would suggest having a heart-to-heart with DH about whether you would wish to do anything differently in the future with respect to family funerals, given the repercussions this time which have been stressful all round.

One striking feature of your posts is the extent to which you say 'we' think this. Such accord, even with a partner, is unusual. I would actually see too much agreement as a worrying sign that one or the other has the upper hand!

You seem very clinical and unemotional people

I doubt you will have to explain yourself again as I imagine the family will go NC with you, I think I would

I do hope your DH doesn't regret this in the future, as he gets older he may well do

But it's not just communicating that they weren't going is it? They appear to have opted out of all immediate planning and arrangements following his death, offering no support to others affected (except his mother). And then when grieving SIL felt overwhelmed, they were nasty.

The children have carried their parent at every funeral I have been to, at the funerals I have attended where the children were old enough at any rate (sadly not all of them). They have also spoken. Sometimes all the children, sometimes only one, but a child has each time. It was a moving experience to take part like that for each one.
I’m not saying you are wrong, just that your experience, as with mine, is not a statement of what always occurs.

You still haven't actually clarified your belief system, despite saying you have. So is this because it is beliefs of your own choice and instigation? Or do you actually belong to a group of people who share the same beliefs?

And if you husband died, are you seriously telling me you wouldn't go to his funeral?

So you've never even been to a funeral? I really think you should. They're not about "final goodbyes" at all, they're an important part of the grieving process, very cathartic and usually quite joyful, even when you're very close to the deceased.

There's a reason humans have been doing ritualised burial since Neanderthal times, and I think you ought to discover it. Catharsis is a vital emotion to experience, particularly when someone dies.

OP has said she doesn’t want one for herself - just her husband to toss her ashes.. BUT OP has yet to clarify when asked what she would do if she tragically lost one of her own children. I would be curious to know if she would forgo any kind of social honouring, get together, burial, glass raising in memory etc.

But the aunt and uncle, who refused to see dying FIL when he wanted to and then made merry with the food at the wake - they're still in the fold, because they came to the funeral after he was already dead? Just seems a bit hypocritical.

Everyone is entitled to form their own belief system.

If this was part of a ‘conventional’ religion no one would are criticise - even if those religions have oppressive rules towards women such as the religion I was born into and left.

I feel this thread has descended into a nasty pile on and most posters are just using it as an excuse to be nasty/abusive to a total stranger who was extremely kind to her deceased relative.

So many people do absolutely nothing to help when their relatives are ill. The care is usually left to one person- frequently a woman.

I’ve seen this in my own life many times.

I think OP should be thanked for the love and care she gave which is worth a thousand times more than looking sad at a funeral.

But everything is a 'belief system.' Funerals themselves are held because of a 'belief system'.

People are going to have opinions on your decision, if you’re happy with your decision then ignore.

But it will certainly receive comments.

No I agree with you whole heartedly I was just highlighting if it was a simple case of “‘I don’t believe in funerals/attendance isn’t mandatory” then there is a very easy way to live by this without being horrible.

OP however has been quite horrible and seemingly out herself at the forefront of all of it.

What a lovely thing, and those few days will hold precious memories for both of them.

Sometimes people like to get their judgement in first before anyone else shines the light back at them. If these people never did anything for your husband's dad, then as hurtful as it is, their commentary says more about them than it does about you.

The only people I have heard of with similar beliefs are Rastafarian.