DH annoyed I got Botox

[Thingscouldntgetanyworse]

5 years ago, I got Botox for the very first time at my crows feet area. My mum paid for it for my 30th birthday. I loved the result. However, my DH was very openly against it - “nothing wrong with your face” blah blah blah. He was so against it that I never did it again.

until now. I was on annual leave last week and I got Botox, and didn’t tell my husband. I got 3 areas and it was £170. I didn’t outwardly lie I just didn’t mention it. And I knew he wouldn’t notice a difference in my face because men just don’t.

Yesterday, he was cleaning my car and found my aftercare booklet in my driver door side. Tonight, we were driving home and he hits out with “you never told me you got Botox” and I said “I didn’t know you knew?” He then explained finding the booklet. I apologised for not telling him but explained I knew he wouldn’t react well. He said “you’re right, you don’t need it, what a waste of money.”

i’m so annoyed he’s found out as now I’ve got all the same returning feelings I had 5 years ago. I feel guilty for spending the money on myself, daft for caring what I look like, and feeling like I’ve disappointed my husband.

am I in the wrong?

Never done it (yet) but I know a lot who have, I think.

With a procedure like this I’d expect a partner to know I think, especially as it sounds as if you’re going to a lower cost provider, and that it’s a struggle to afford it? All that would worry me, Botox isn’t a bargain bin kind of thing (nor are lip filllers).

Personally, I would never judge someone for choosing to have a procedure or beauty treatment that makes them feel good about themselves. I think lots of pp have missed the point and just kind of hijacked the thread with the morality of botox.

OP your DH doesn't have the right to berate you for how you choose to spend your money, or because how you choose to present yourself differs with what he thinks is "right". You did this for yourself, to boost your confidence. You are not harming anyone. Your DH doesn't have the right to dictate to you what you should or shouldn't do. He does not have autonomy over you ffs. I'm genuinely surprised how many pp have missed this blatantly sexist attitude from him. It's not okay.

Personally, I would never judge someone for choosing to have a procedure or beauty treatment that makes them feel good about themselves. I think lots of pp have missed the point and just kind of hijacked the thread with the morality of botox.

OP your DH doesn't have the right to berate you for how you choose to spend your money, or because how you choose to present yourself differs with what he thinks is "right". You did this for yourself, to boost your confidence. You are not harming anyone. Your DH doesn't have the right to dictate to you what you should or shouldn't do. He does not have autonomy over you ffs. I'm genuinely surprised how many pp have missed this blatantly sexist attitude from him. It's not okay.

whats his objection? Spending the money? Does he know how much it costs? That he doesn’t want to have a fake looking wife? That he doesn’t want you feeling confident and glowing as a person?
that you don’t feel pretty enough? The last one is the only one I sympathize with and if he feels that way he needs to shower you with compliments more not criticizing you

I think this is why it’s important for couples to have their own ring fenced fun money budget as there will always be something that brings joy to one person but seems like a big waste to the other

Unless you have very deep frown lines I would think you are too young for significant wrinkles, so I see his point - however, assuming you can afford it, if you want it, it is none of his business.

Hmmm I would be super proud to feel that my husband loved me as I am and will be naturally

Similar age, hair isn’t grey and I still have a tight forehead. My friend is convinced I dye my hair and have botox. I don’t and never ever did!

And many of those women have since started colouring their hair again.

Yes to all the above. I had loads of makeup, padded bras etc in my teens because I felt insecure and it seemed it was expected of girls/women to look a certain way. Then I grew up, matured and realised my value as a petson is not in my appearance and I don't want to change myself into someone who does everything to attract male gaze or confirm to societal pressure. Feels great!

he has no right to tell you off for it, you’re a grown woman. But I do see his point and have never ever met a 30 year old who needed botox. At 30, unless you’ve been going on daily sunbeds and smoking 20 a day from 13 onwards, you don’t have many wrinkles and certainly not enough to warrant injecting poison into your face.

Well I think you’re being a bit OTT tbh, all he said was you didn’t need it and it was a waste of money, I pay £250 for Botox and I still see his point! It was one comment, unless you’re about to reveal he’s now locked you in the basement I think you’re over reacting to his reaction and you both should let each other be.

Is money tight? Do you have shared money?

I mean to some £170 isn’t a lot. To others it would be an amount that needs to be discussed.

is that one of the reasons he’s pissed off?

I think it depends on why he’s annoyed.
Is he annoyed because of the money? Are you struggling? If you’ve spent the family food budget or money set aside for a holiday then I see his point.
Secrets are never good but you should be able to communicate with each other.

I do agree with this. He found the paperwork, asked you about it (which is a totally normal reaction) and then told you that you don't need it. Which you don't.

I think if you felt secure in your decision to get Botox you wouldn't be hiding it from him or posting threads on here.

Everyone is saying it’s your money…. But you haven’t said anything about your financial situation. Are you guys hard up? How do you organise your money? Does he have a right to complain if you are spending stuff you can’t really afford, as you are married and will have shared life goals? And if he didn’t even notice, then maybe it really is a waste of money (not because you were doing it for him, but because the change is imperceptible?)

Also agree his reaction is far from extreme, just saying you don’t need it and it’s a waste…. so not such a big deal…?

THIS^

Thankyou for all the replies on this post! I’ll try answer some Q’s… we both work full time, for the same company, and all our money goes in and out one joint account. The lady who did my Botox also does my eyebrows, nails and my spray tan (I get a yearly spray tan for Xmas nights out). I send 20 a month to my ‘account’ with this lady meaning all my beauty treatments are covered as I let it build up even if I’m having nothing done for a while. So no, it doesn’t affect our budget. And he has no issue with me spending that much £20 monthly.

no, I’m not wrinkly, but I’ve always been self conscious about my crows feet around my eyes when I smile. My face still has movement but when I smile now the wrinkles look less intense and this pleases me. I didn’t do it for him, or for Instagram, or for anyone else. I did it so when I look at photos of myself I feel a bit better about myself.

I think he’s annoyed because he just views Botox as the same categories as lip filler boob jobs facelifts etc invasive surgery type things etc and he doesn’t agree with it

the problem is, I value his opinion and I didn’t tell him because I knew he’d guilt me into changing my mind and this is something I really wanted for myself … I’m so disappointed he found out

It’s really weird you have to hide this from your life partner. You say you value his opinion, but it sounds like he doesn’t value yours. I think you need to toughen up a bit, you’re being a bit soft. Own it. If he respects you he will understand, if he doesn’t, he’s a dick.

Well I agree with him, it's unnecessary and a waste of money.
BUT
I also think you have the right to decide for yourself.

However, hiding things from him is off. Why not just explain to him it's what you want and discuss it? Either agree or at least agree to disagree. Lying is not on.

I think he’s annoyed because he just views Botox as the same categories as lip filler boob jobs facelifts etc invasive surgery type things etc and he doesn’t agree with it

If he doesn't agree with it, he should express that simply by not getting any cosmetic procedures himself. He isn't entitled to tell you what you can and can't do with your own face.

I think he’s annoyed because he just views Botox as the same categories as lip filler boob jobs facelifts etc invasive surgery type things
Do people really not put Botox in the same category? It's very different to make-up you can wipe off at the end of the day

It’s your face and your money. I’d be angry that he thought he had a right to reprimand me because he thinks I don’t need something. Maybe you don’t need it, but you want it, and that’s reason enough.

If you start at 30 you prevent deep lines, starting at 50/60 is acting after the horse has already bolted.

Botox doesn’t flatten wrinkles, it prevents movement in the muscles that cause wrinkles. Less movement = less wrinkle formation. Hence why people get it at 30 and not after the wrinkles have already settled in.