Adult son has given my candels away without asking

[ChocolateBoxCottage]

Not going to post on AIBU as don't want a kick in.

Ds had a friend stay. I bought some Halloween theme candles when over in Ireland. He was with me when I bought them. Telling him how lovely and unique they looked and I asked him if I should get them due to Ryan air weigh restrictions on luggage etc. So knows full well they wasn't just everyday crappy choice.

They was sitting on the side unused. Then his friend stayed and they was gone. I asked him where they was and he said he was using them in his room. I asked him to not throw them out as I could re use them and refill them. He said OK.

Then after his mate left, he told me had have given them away as they was unused just sitting there ( waiting for my trick or treat Halloween stuff to be set up). I said I was hurt as he knew I wanted them from the off. That I had asked where they was while his friend was still here.

I bought them with my money and he gave them away without asking and worse in full knowledge I was asking after them.

I have told him I can't trust him. In fact it's made me wonder what else he does like this? He has always been a good kid. But he is in fact a lier and it's the first time I have seen this side of him. Gone into his brothers room today ( where mate was staying) and another candel has gone. Just the lid sitting there. I feel I need to hide stuff now when he has visitors. His mate has gone home with 500g of various glass candels! I don't blame the mate ( but they must have heard me ask where they had gone) I blame my son.

I can't replace them. I was going to keep them for every Halloween. In fact all of my Halloween themed ones are no where to be seen now. It's not the money it's the trust. I'm really not happy. Ds says it's no big deal. I don't think that's his choice to decide what's a big deal. It's asking where they was while he knew his mate had them that really pisses me off. Just needed to have a rant.

Tell him to get them back

Well if he thinks it is no big deal for your possessions to go missing, then perhaps you need to repay him in kind, and start giving some of his things away. See how he likes it when he discovers his stuff has gone.

He'll have to get them back or give you the money.

And no more friends to stay until you can trust him.

This is stealing.

He replaces the candles, including paying the delivery charges from Ireland and he isn’t allowed any more visitors in your house.

Do you have his friend’s contact details? Tell your son you will be contacting the friend to say that the candles weren’t his to give away and you want them back. It will be hugely embarrassing for your DS. If there is a negative consequence every time he steals from you then he will stop. Just being annoyed with him or being sad is clearly not a consequence, he doesn’t care about your feelings and is dismissive of them.

Well tell him to get them back off his friend or repurchase online using his own money. And if he ever gives away anything out of the house without asking you he will be moving out! Or phone etc taken off him and given away since it's "not a big deal"!
I'd be fuming at the lying and downplaying.

Maybe leave it for now bar telling him to get them back ASAP and then go in and have a serious chat later explaining breaths of trust and the importance of apologising and owning up to things not downplaying and trying to minimise..

Can’t you just buy more, OP?

He needs to get them back or buy replacements. This goes for ALL the candles!

Yes this. He doesn't give a shit about my feelings. I told him I was debating given him my mums wedding ring for 18th and I'm glad I didn't now as he would give it away. He is never having that now. He has only just turned 18. I thought he was such a lovely person. He has really changed in the last year. I don't trust him and told him so. I think I'm going to say to having anyone stay again. The candel in his brothers room could have been his. So that two people he has stolen from. What else has he just taken?

Bit expensive to have to fly to and from Ireland to replace them?

Plus, you've completely ignored the actual problem here which is her son's behaviour and attitude.

What a weird thing for him to do. Tell him to get them back. I find glass smashes in the post so wouldn't want to order online

It would cost me a fortune to post over from Ireland. Plus it's seasonal so sold out online now.

OP, this all sounds quite weird to me. Is your son’s friend his age? Why on earth would a teenage boy want to take home 500 grams of his friend’s mother’s glass Halloween candles?

Are you sure your son didn’t break them or something and pretend he’d given them away? Which still sounds quite strange, but not as strange as a teenager suddenly losing his heart to some candles he’s seen at his friend’s house…?

I think your son has crossed a line here, which there's not really a way back from. If he has just turned 18, is he still at school or is he working? Either way, the trust has gone and he's on borrowed time with you. My brother did something similar but stealing into 4 figures and my parents threw him out (they found a room in a shared house for him to move to). Not sure if you do want to go nuclear like they did.

It's an odd thing for him to do, give away Halloween candles to his friend 😳 I would be cross too and making him give you the money for them. I would remind him that he's an adult now and you don't have to have him living in your house if he steals things and lies.

Yes, it's so weird

The weirdest thing about this is that you’ve mentioned how much they weigh. That’s a very odd detail!
But yes, get your son to get them back from his friend and put your foot down with him about giving other peoples things away.

Your son has crossed a huge line here - and I am wondering about his mate wanting halloween candles and been quite happy to head off with them knowing they belonged to you.

Does he owe this mate money and mate away to sell the candles instead? there is something odd about all this.

But yes, this is stealing and should be called out as such.

Very weird.

"Don't throw that away when the candle is used"

"Ok, I'll give it away instead".

Why? So he can give them away too? Her son needs to replace them.

Do you think it's deliberate or thoughtless? Though obviously either is unacceptable as he does not have the right to take or give away your stuff.

When I was a student we had a house mate who would lend/give away our stuff without asking if one of her other friends asked to borrow it or even just admired it. This included a pair of kitchen scissors (owned by another housemate as well she knew and a relatively expensive item for hard up students to replace), a set of cake tins (mine) and a suitcase (mine).

When challenged she'd seem baffled, it was just any old stuff to her and she didn't understand why we were annoyed. She was very careless with her own stuff too so that was just her norm. She'd say she'd ask for it back but I think she didn't. Absolutely infuriating. My items were never returned.

Sorry that's long but what I'm saying is there might be a difference between deliberate theft and thoughtless disregard for "stuff" including that of other people. Do you think his mate asked "can I have these candles that are laying around?" And son thought "yeah mums not using them". Then when you asked he was too embarrassed to say "er mate can you give those back".

I was thinking this. I don’t know many teenage boys who are that interested in candles.

Why dont you get them back ffs?

I agree something not right.. also the exact measurement of 509g?

I also wouldn't be giving an 18 year old man their grandmothers ring. I can't see many 18 year old lads wanting that?

Tell him to message his mate that he hade them away in error and he will be picking them up today .