Adult son has given my candels away without asking

[ChocolateBoxCottage]

Not going to post on AIBU as don't want a kick in.

Ds had a friend stay. I bought some Halloween theme candles when over in Ireland. He was with me when I bought them. Telling him how lovely and unique they looked and I asked him if I should get them due to Ryan air weigh restrictions on luggage etc. So knows full well they wasn't just everyday crappy choice.

They was sitting on the side unused. Then his friend stayed and they was gone. I asked him where they was and he said he was using them in his room. I asked him to not throw them out as I could re use them and refill them. He said OK.

Then after his mate left, he told me had have given them away as they was unused just sitting there ( waiting for my trick or treat Halloween stuff to be set up). I said I was hurt as he knew I wanted them from the off. That I had asked where they was while his friend was still here.

I bought them with my money and he gave them away without asking and worse in full knowledge I was asking after them.

I have told him I can't trust him. In fact it's made me wonder what else he does like this? He has always been a good kid. But he is in fact a lier and it's the first time I have seen this side of him. Gone into his brothers room today ( where mate was staying) and another candel has gone. Just the lid sitting there. I feel I need to hide stuff now when he has visitors. His mate has gone home with 500g of various glass candels! I don't blame the mate ( but they must have heard me ask where they had gone) I blame my son.

I can't replace them. I was going to keep them for every Halloween. In fact all of my Halloween themed ones are no where to be seen now. It's not the money it's the trust. I'm really not happy. Ds says it's no big deal. I don't think that's his choice to decide what's a big deal. It's asking where they was while he knew his mate had them that really pisses me off. Just needed to have a rant.

Is there any way the girl could have stolen them and he’s just protecting her? Otherwise it does seem like he’s trying to impress. I do think boys that age go a long way to impress girls they like, sometimes spending silly amounts of money, and other times, as it seems here , stealing.

Why? What difference does it make? The mate was a boy = not ok or mate was a girl = totally understandable?

Do you need to see a picture of the candle? Or it's price? Or the shop? To decide if its OK or not?

He either stole it or he has done nothing wrong. Elaborating on the friends bio sex or my dyslexia shouldn't be key information surely? Or is it?

What do I take from this? It was a girl.i know he fancies but they are totally platonic he has told me this so it's OK.

But if it had been a male friend or his boyfriend it's not OK.

I'm not interested in the reasoning behind it. I want to know if I'm right to be pissed off but it seems I'm not. Because I didn't state sex or genders. Do I need to state pronouns too? Will that change it again?

I was just going to post the same, what on earth would an 18 year old want with candles ?

He needs to pay, so cost is not the problem here. If it costs a fortune, fine. Its his money.

But I would seriously be thinking about him not being ale to stay in the house if he does shit like this.

He either gets them back or he replaces them. You lock down the house, no more friends to come over for a while

He's old enough to understand that you do not give away other people's possessions.

This 100% my feelings. But I don't think this makes it OK. I have got tonnes of jewellery for example I wouldnt know if it went missing. Where's the line?

It's the fact that I asked after it while it was still in my house and he could have returned it then that pissses me off. It's not the friends fault at all in any way but I won't feel comfortable with them visiting again and that's 100% on ds. Or any of his friends. Friends should feel at home here. But not if that in turn makes me feel suspicious of what ds is handing out.

OK, so I was under the assumption the friend was a boy about the same age as yours. In which case it would be fairly odd for him to be that interested in candles. Now you've said it's a girl, I think we can conclude that your son was trying to impress her - no matter how platonic he protests the relationship is. But are you absolutely sure he didn't sell them and other stuff that goes missing OP? Also, out of interest, why would you give him your mum's wedding ring? It's an odd thing to give a boy at that age.

He is insistent to me and his dad he did a nice thing as they wasn't being used therefore not needed. Can not see that it wasn't a nice thing for me. It's his arrogance that is grafting now. He won't just apologise. It's so unlike him.

Even if they weren't being used they were still not his to give.

Honestly I'd have been to hers by now to fetch them back myself!

Why haven't you just told him to get them back?

He did a stupid thing, to impress a girl, but you seem to have decided that he's a thief and a liar based on this - you do seem to be over reacting a bit. Banning all his friends from your home at 18 is a very bad idea - he just won't be home much, he'll be at their homes, and you won't know his friends.

They were Halloween candles, which you can get back, either by insisting that he gets them back, or asking the girl herself when she's around again - another reason not to ban her from your home.

Don't throw away your relationship with your son for the sake of a few novelty candles - it wasn't thousands of euro worth of Waterford crystal.

Of course the sex of the friend is relevant.

Unfortunately homophobia is still a thing, so if your son was potentially hiding his sexuality and lying about having a romantic candle-lit evening with his boyfriend, it would mean a more gentle conversation that the same intention towards a girl.

OP have you told him to call his friend and ask for them back?

Do that now!

Do you know friend’s address? Say if he won’t you’ll go round and ask for them back as they belong to you, you didn’t give permission for them to be taken away, so either your DS or this girl have stolen them and you want them back, whichever one of them is a thief.

Much too mild. Firing squad would be appropriate here, I think!

I mean, come on. I absolutely see why she is upset about him giving her stuff away - but she isn't going to get her son a criminal record over this, or evict him, if she has any sense.

I do think you should make him repay you the cost of the candles. Do you currently give him any money, or pay for a phone contract or anything like that? I would stop all that until you have recouped the cost.

And tell him that unless she returns the candles the friend won't be welcome at your house. If she definitely knew they were stolen she has been a bit of a twat, too (though I agree it's more on him).

Don't be so sarcastic. It's obvious why surely?

Boys are not usually interested in candles so posters were surprised he'd taken them away with him. Less surprising when you admitted it was a girl.

I did initially get sidetracked by the title (I think that describing an 18 year old as an adult DS is very misleading) and by the concept of glass, refillable candles (I had to do some googling as I hadn't heard of these).

I think YNBU to be angry.

I think you are BU to repeatedly refer to it as stealing.

DS has given away things that weren't his so technically he was stealing but I think that morally, intent comes into play.

I can imagine a teenager seeing something in a shared area as belonging to the house rather than being Mum's special ornament and that he genuinely thought that he was being nice by giving his friend something that she liked.

However, once you told him that you were upset, he should have apologised and offered to get the candles back.

I'd tell him that either he asks for them back from his friend or you will and that it will be much more embarrassing if he leaves you to contact her.

Tell him to get her to bring them back and be extremely explicit that he absolutely does not give away your possessions again. Really weird thing for him to do. All your crockery/bath stuff/car/DH/ornaments/jewellery are sitting round doing nothing either when not in use: is he going to give them away too?

Of course not. Op is not dealing with toddler!

Since when is giving away other people’s things ‘doing a nice thing’.

it’s very very easy giving away things that aren’t yours. It’s no sacrifice to him. Is he stupid or nasty?

It doesnt matter what his argument is, he didnt have a right to give them away so tell him in no uncertain terms to return them.