Adult son has given my candels away without asking

[ChocolateBoxCottage]

Not going to post on AIBU as don't want a kick in.

Ds had a friend stay. I bought some Halloween theme candles when over in Ireland. He was with me when I bought them. Telling him how lovely and unique they looked and I asked him if I should get them due to Ryan air weigh restrictions on luggage etc. So knows full well they wasn't just everyday crappy choice.

They was sitting on the side unused. Then his friend stayed and they was gone. I asked him where they was and he said he was using them in his room. I asked him to not throw them out as I could re use them and refill them. He said OK.

Then after his mate left, he told me had have given them away as they was unused just sitting there ( waiting for my trick or treat Halloween stuff to be set up). I said I was hurt as he knew I wanted them from the off. That I had asked where they was while his friend was still here.

I bought them with my money and he gave them away without asking and worse in full knowledge I was asking after them.

I have told him I can't trust him. In fact it's made me wonder what else he does like this? He has always been a good kid. But he is in fact a lier and it's the first time I have seen this side of him. Gone into his brothers room today ( where mate was staying) and another candel has gone. Just the lid sitting there. I feel I need to hide stuff now when he has visitors. His mate has gone home with 500g of various glass candels! I don't blame the mate ( but they must have heard me ask where they had gone) I blame my son.

I can't replace them. I was going to keep them for every Halloween. In fact all of my Halloween themed ones are no where to be seen now. It's not the money it's the trust. I'm really not happy. Ds says it's no big deal. I don't think that's his choice to decide what's a big deal. It's asking where they was while he knew his mate had them that really pisses me off. Just needed to have a rant.

if you have a mirror in your house- go and stand in front of it. The bloody daft bugger looking back...is you!

@Gatekeeper

you never stop being a mother, doesnt matter how old your child is

There has to be more to this OP. I’m another one thinking that the friend is actually the boyfriend, that DS was using the candles for romantic ambiance, and then gave them as a gift.

If you think that might be the case then I would go a bit more gently in questioning him.

Two things here. First is he needs to acknowledge and apologise, and ideally get the candles back.

Secondly - it's such an odd thing for him to do. As his mother you should want to understand why he did it, as this is quite a strange behaviour that needs to be worked on

Your son has shown that he can’t be trusted to have guests in the home. That privilege should be removed.

You do not bend over backwards to allow people to treat you like shit and let them steal your stuff just because you are their mother.

An 18yo knows that this is wrong.

Make it HIS problem to replace the candles. If you need to use words like "stolen" and "thief" to make it clear how serious this issue is, do it. It's up to him if he gets them back from the friend or contacts the shop in Ireland for stockist info or finds someone on eBAY or wherever that has them and will ship to UK but HE needs to do the work of replacing them; you've already spent enough mental energy on it.

If he's not willing to tell you what's going on (is he angry with you/punishing you for some reason?) then all you can do is tell him (1) not to use up or remove anything from the house that's not HIS OWN personal property and make sure he understand what you mean and that will impose consequences and (2) no more overnight guests.

If he’s changed a lot recently, could he be into drugs or something, and this other child is asking for these to pay for drugs / bribe so he doesn’t tell you? … just a thought but as he’s changed so much?

Give his XBox to the kids next door as he 'hasn't been on it all weekend' so obviously doesn't want it 🎃👻🎮

WTF. You'd never tell your child off for stealing? Shit mum alert

Not really. It illustrates the size for clarity.

It’s really strange that’s it’s two different candles. Expensive ornaments to sell would make sense, or books that a friend could read, but themed candles 🤔🤔. Could he be using them for something else and pretending he gave them to a friend? Because why would anyone accept a half burned Halloween candle and another without a lid.
What else has he done that has made you not trust him? You mention he has changed over the last year

The friend is a girl. I suspect he was trying to impress her. He has owned up to this. Would be easier to say he smashed them surely? I suspect she commented they was cute so ds said have them

I'm dyslexic. I can't spell. I have a degree in Biology. What do you suspect? I'm shit spelling dense AI? Or not 18 has ever stolen anything? I'm thick if that makes it easier to accept

Tell him to apologise to the girl and tell her they weren't his to give. They are his mum's and she wants them back but he will take her shopping and let her choose another present with his own money.

Definitely not being used for drugs etc as the house is full of candles / candels. He isn't my only teen son and he knows his older brother has tried weed more than once at uni so no need to hide minor dabbling in that. He is at school still so no money for any serious drug habits. He also hates vapeing / smoke so to righteous for drugs I suspect. But not for giving away my things

Tell him to get them back 'hi girl, sorry but the candles I gave you were my mum's and I didn't realise she still wanted them, she's pretty upset I've gave them away. Could I please get them back next time I see you?'

This will be a bit embarrassing for him but teaches him not to give away your things.

He is insistent to me and his dad he did a nice thing as they wasn't being used therefore not needed. Can not see that it wasn't a nice thing for me. It's his arrogance that is grafting now. He won't just apologise. It's so unlike him.

So tell him he's wrong. Stealing is not "a nice thing". Ban friends from the house if he doesn't understand he can steal from you. And I would be tempted to text the girl to explain the "gift" was stolen and needs to be returned. If he needs a shock and a bit of short term embarrassment to stop him becoming a total wanker then you'll have to deliver it.

Why did you not mention the mate was female? You've been purposefully vague in the op and I'm not sure why.

It's unlikely and almost unbelievable that an 18yo of at least average intelligence can't understand that (1) something like a candle that will be used up as it is burned might be treasured for its appearance even if never burned, (2) something that is designed to be used up, if it's special, is very often saved for a special occasion. The fact that he's still arguing after this has been explained to him is even stupider.

Regardless, though - all he needs to understand is that THEY ARE NOT HIS to lend, use, or give. If he really believed they were unimportant to you (which is only possible if he basically tunes out everything you say) why did he not ASK YOU if he could use them and why did he not ASK YOU if he could give them to his friend?

Yes this. It all sounds so off. Teenage boys and glass candles? Really? That the friend loved so much he had to take with him? And the son was using them in his room? Err no. Either these are very odd boys or they broke them maybe? Or took them to sell? I've no idea but none of this rings true. Think there is more to this and like OP this would just really hack me off you don't take and give away (or whatever) things that are not yours. I would be wanting the monetary value from the boys just to make a point and as a consequence.

Plus just to add that if you want to give away stuff as a kind gesture you have to know that you don't give away others people's stuff that you did not buy. The boys insistence that this is what happened just adds to the weirdness here. I still think there is something he's not telling.

No you need to correct this behaviour quickly.

It doesn’t matter if he thought they weren’t being used, he knew they didn’t belong to him and not his to gift to someone else. He knows they are yours, and he must never give away something that doesn’t belong to him. If he’d bothered to do the basic of asking you first, you would say no, he couldn’t give them away. You want them back. So he needs to call his friend and explain he gave her something that doesn’t belong to him so he needs them back.

if he refuses, do you know where this friend lives or her parents details? Go round and say that your expensive candles have gone missing, that your DS said she has them and he’s told you he told her she could have them, but they weren’t his to give so you’d like them back now please.

If you let this go, what’s next? He must learn this is completely unacceptable behaviour.

You sound really passive. He is 18 but sounds like he is still living in your house so he needs to respect that your things are not his to give away

No idea why you have not been more firm with him that he needs to call his friend and say she needs to bring them back. If that makes him look bad then so be it