How normal is it to have direct family support when you have young children?

[Awobabobob]

Dp and I have very little family help regarding our two preschool children. DPs parents are not involved and in fact have never done anything for him in his adult life. My parents live an hour away and have visited twice this year. If I was desperate they would help in an emergency, but they would have to be available (both retired).
Recently I’ve become more and more aware that we are the exception and far from the norm and it makes me feel quite sad. I’m suffering with my health and the moment and could really do with the kind of support that others enjoy. I can only think of one other family that has a similar set up, out of about 20 families I know.

What is normal amongst the young families you know?

I think it’s very mixed. Lots of people sort out an arrangement that works for them with a trusted babysitter or nanny share.

We are in the unfortunate position of caring for parents and children.

I’m in the SE. Most people don’t have families close by.

Perhaps you are seeing it reverse? It's not that people have family support with children - it's that people with family support already, feel ABLE to have children?

Do they know you'd appreciate a bit more support?

Just wondering if you've discussed your struggles with both sets of parents @Awobabobob?

Mixed bag. We have none at all, some friends have lots but the majority don’t have their families very local.

It’s not something to get bothered about. My STBX husbands family is dead apart from his toxic and crazy mother who lives abroad. He is NC with her.

My family are lovely, but due to health issues and distance can’t provide practical help although they are supportive and are very generous with financial help.

We manage. My closest parent friend lives in a different country to her parents and they only have help a few times a year.

I only know 2 families with local family help on tap. Unsurprisingly they have had more kids as they can manage.

Yes I’ve thought this. We went in to parenthood knowing what the situation would be. To be honest I didn’t account for huge increase in cost if living and also didn’t think that health issues and job losses would happen 😫

Not much I have done my bit

We don’t have any support either, in fact my husband missed the birth of our second child as it was the middle of the night and we had no one to watch the first. 😅 it would be lovely to have support but we take comfort in the fact we are a close little unit and there will be time for ourselves again in the future, it’s just an intense parenting era at the moment.

We were the opposite, neither ourselves or anyone else we knew had family anywhere nearby. Wasn’t a bad thing, it makes you cope without help as there is no choice otherwise and none of this angsty family disappointment stuff you see on here all the time.

My and DHs family all lives 90 min to 2 hours away

My parents looked after my DC when I needed to go to hospital apts. without kids being there. They also had them overnight on 3 occasions for a sleepover between about 3 and 6 years old.

My SIL has looked after them twice.

My MIL has never looked after them
My FIL and his wife have never looked after them
My brother/sister have never looked after them

Of my mum friends,
2 of them have weekly childcare from grandparents and also school holiday childcare.
2 of them just have holiday childcare
4 of them have very little childcare from family like me.

My DC are now adults, but when young we had very little family support. In laws moved to the other side of the country and, although retired, only visited us twice since the children were born. My parents were 90 minutes away and both worked. Mum was a primary school head teacher and so couldn't take time off in an emergency. She was brilliant in the school holidays and came to stay for a week in the summer holidays to help but couldn't offer daily help or babysitting.

That was the same position for most of my friends. Most of us had moved away from family for uni, jobs etc. Only one of my friends had family living locally.

My parents and sister both live within 5 minutes walk of me and we were always helping each other out (1990's). My sister and I never had to pay for childcare and between the 3 of us we always took 2 separate weeks off work in the summer to cover 6 weeks of school holidays, kids were all similar ages and were good pals. Obviously Dads and Grandads were around too.

It will be so different for my DS and DIL living 100 miles away with no family to support them.

I think that more people move away from their home area than did 30 years ago.
More people go to university which tends to lead to severing of home town ties.
When I was a child in the 60s my grandparents lived in the same street and we fluctuated between houses.
When I had my children my parents were 40 minutes away but visited at least weekly and would drop everything to help with poorly children etc.
My DC don't have children yet but as we were older parents I fear we won't be able to help much. One lives 90 minutes away and the other half an hour but they could easily move away.

It’s not possible with DPs parents unfortunately. I asked my parents for some financial help when I was heavily pregnant with my second and had lost a lot of work and mum made it clear she wasn’t keen on lending me any. So I ask dad behind her back now because I’m in a financial hole right now and am struggling. Dad lends it to me without fuss. They never offer to come and see us though. I take the kids to see them.

My children are young adults now. My parents were wonderful, loving and supportive grandparents but unfortunately both of them died in their early '60's before my children were 5.

In-laws were 1 hour away but loved having our children to stay with them during school holidays for a few days (we both worked, husband was fulltime and I was 4 days a week).

Among my friends at the time, the majority did not need to depend on their parents much for regular childcare.

We lived in the SE when my kids were tiny, and had no day-to-day support. I would say that was the case with 99% of my friends. We were lucky in that we had grandparents (about 4 hours away) who would have the kids for the odd holiday/weekend so we could travel without them, but nobody I know had regular childcare or babysitting. We helped each other out and/or paid for babysitters.

Mum's neighbours both had grandparent help.
My contemporaries: lots had active grandparents picking up from school.
One didn't (apart from summer when they went abroad to visit them)
One had a useless DH/ex/DH. (She went back as he was better than the nothing she got. )

At one point ex worked away and sil was out of the country for a few years on secondment. Grandparent ill or dead. There was just me.

Ex does more now.

It was bloody hard work.

My mum was working full time when the children were little, and she lived 2 hours away. DH worked away Monday-Friday so I just had to get on with it.

We had formal childcare for the 3 days I worked when they were pre school for various reasons and for after school
Lots of help from both sets of parents babysitting,covering sick days,school holidays
We had 2 child free weekends away every year
We really appreciated it and the Dc have a great relationship with the GPs

It’s the main reason I only have one child tbh - with more than one I don’t think I would get much if any time to myself.

All our parents were dead by the time we had DC, so no help on offer. But it was fine, and obviously we had no expectation of help, so there was no disappointment to be had.

If you assume you have to do it alone it'll be easier I think...

We have never had any family support for various reasons. I know some grandparents who have had loads of childcare for over a decade (full time childcare up to school age and do all school runs plus more in holidays), some with occasional childcare and others who have none like us.

What I find is that those with loads of support lack independence and can’t even navigate parents evening without support. It’s nice to be able to sort yourself out.

My mum died before I had kids. My dad is 2 1/2 hrs away and would happily sit in my house with an ill 6+ year old but he wouldn’t be capable of looking after a baby or toddler. And he’d have to stay overnight but is retired and would if we were stuck.

my in laws are an hour away and if I ask them to look after the kids on an inset day or something, they would, but they will no longer look after ill kids (2 and full of nursery bugs and 9) as they don’t want to catch anything. Mil doesn’t drive and no longer will get the train. They’re in their 60s and don’t work and not busy people. They are really good with the kids when they do see them. The no last minute ill child cover is really stressful to deal with as neither of our jobs are flexible.

I feel very jealous of friends who have actively involved grandparents. I’d love to go out on dates with dh but we can’t afford a babysitter and our just turned 2 year old is a right pickle at bed time and overnight. I would love to be one of the families you see walking round a park or in a cafe etc with the three generations, looking like they regularly do it. Or just someone to have held a screaming baby (both of mine were very unsettled things) while I could sort washing or just rest my eyes!

i wish a local granny had adopted me as their project while I was on mat leave 🤣

most of my friends do have localish family support. I don’t think some of them realised how lucky they are/were. 2 days a week of childcare adds up to many thousands saved! We are still in the red and have no chance of paying that off until our dc starts school, as paying for one in nursery plus wraparound for a primary one is SO expensive.

I don't think there is a "normal", it really depends on circumstances. Most of my friends from uni had no regular help from parents because they got jobs miles away from their families. meanwhile I've got friends back at home who still live near their parents (my brother included) where grandparents do childminding one or two days a week to save on nursery fees and do the school run or school holiday care. I do think the later is tying though and living an hour away is too far to expect them to make that sort of commitment. But it's a reasonable sort of distance to maybe do a weekend babysitting if they could stay over for the night.

I had no help or support when mine were little. Grandparents lived 3 hours away. Mine were too old to help and didn’t like driving. MIL made it clear that it wasn’t her cup of tea.