How normal is it to have direct family support when you have young children?

[Awobabobob]

Dp and I have very little family help regarding our two preschool children. DPs parents are not involved and in fact have never done anything for him in his adult life. My parents live an hour away and have visited twice this year. If I was desperate they would help in an emergency, but they would have to be available (both retired).
Recently I’ve become more and more aware that we are the exception and far from the norm and it makes me feel quite sad. I’m suffering with my health and the moment and could really do with the kind of support that others enjoy. I can only think of one other family that has a similar set up, out of about 20 families I know.

What is normal amongst the young families you know?

@Awobabobob does the general question really matter? It doesn’t sound as though you can get more family help, you can try and ask them given the circumstances but given their form, keep your expectations low.

my experience is there’s a huge range - we had zero help - and the grandparents that want to be involved, generally are.

it sounds as though your relations with your DM aren’t good…any options for paying for more help?

Not normal at all unless you live very close by and happened to have your children after their grandparents retired but while they enjoyed good health and were able and willing to offer occasional, emergency or regular childcare.

To me, settling close to your parents is an u usual decision. We had DS in a different country to both our families, so obviously knew no family help would be available, but that’s the norm for most of our friends.

Well this times article says 52 percent are helping in the working week - so I’d say that’s proof of normal. It doesn’t help you though @Awobabobob people they don’t want to do it don’t have to.

‘I’m 55 and bringing up another four children’ — welcome to granny daycare

www.thetimes.com/article/a44afa56-046e-4864-840c-08c4093e7cc6?shareToken=34bcb0d1c9aa640b91e0fee449842f8e

That article also shows how much it varies by demographics too though. In my circles parents are older so grandparents are older. And it’s only 37% of older grandparents according to this (dated) piece.

The families I know that have help are all in the younger and less well off categories.

For us whilst nursery was expensive it was affordable and that was when no funded hours until 3. We didn’t really need any extra help.

I don’t think you’re the exception at all.

My grandparents all lived overseas when I was growing up so my parents did everything themselves or paid for childcare.

I can only think of one of my friends who had any kind of regular care from grandparents.

It's going to be less and less as families are more atomised and people leave it later and later to have children.

And there will be a lot of elderly people living without that social support that makes the latter years less lonely and more comfortable for the same reason.

Seems like a shit system to me.

It’s less than two years old - you think the grandparents helping would’ve substantially changed in that time? Ok…does op say she has older grandparents?

as I said, this debate is besides the point for @Awobabobob - she has gp that can’t/wont help. So she does need a different solution.

It's this! We knew we would never have support so waited until our late 30s. I am so glad we did as it's bloody hard and would have been impossible when younger and earning less / wanting some time together etc.
I was quite down about it for some time too, OP. It's very very hard when people are there but don't care.
But try to focus on what you do have. Two wonderful children who I'm sure will bring you immense joy and pride. Carve out a nice life for you and yours and try as much as you can to forget those who won't make an effort. And don't make much effort when they need you in future xx

Depends on where you live, stage of life you're at and grandparent's feelings about it and their stage of life. Grandparents may be working ft (like my in-laws) or unwell (my mum - she still helped out in holidays and emergencies but couldn't offer regular all day care, though she almost certainly would have if she were able). Or they may not want to deal with small kids regularly again, thanks.

We lived near both parents - both would help out some evenings, ILs it had to be very much on their terms, which was totally fair enough given their circumstances, mine were easier going about it.

I often say, when people ask how difficult/easy having small kids is, that parental support - even what we had which was evenings, some holiday days and emergencies - can make a massive difference to that. But never assume parents will offer without asking, it is their decision.

Lots of people live nowhere near their family. I had no help. Neither did plenty of my friends. Some did. I’m not bothered that I had no family help. I just got on with it. No point being cross that family don’t or can’t help.

What kind of support do you mean? I assumed ad hoc babysitting etc if they were close by, but from your updates, it appears you mean financial support?

I don’t know anyone who is financially supported by their parents as adults.

We also have young children and so know lots of friends/families with young children and I’d say it’s more common to pay for help or find that help within your own friends than to get it from family.

We do have some friends with kids who have retired parents and so they do a lot of childcare, overnights etc to give them a proper break but I wouldn’t say that is the norm. Us & most of our friends are each other’s village really, my parents are amazing but they have their own lives and I am so glad they are getting to be selfish and enjoy their retirement, they deserve it and too many people just work and then die, so they don’t provide much by way of childcare but we do spend quite a lot of time together as a family which is great. In terms of practical support though most of the parents I know would ask us/another friend before asking a grandparent, we have a tight friendship group and often have at least one extra child at the weekend/after nursery to help someone out or we all go do things together with all the kids etc

Mixed bag here too

Some with the grandparents there every weekend, doing pick ups from school etc to the grandparents never involved.

It's just a real shame, from the child's perspective and the GP'S perspective, as they are missing out on a potentially amazing relationship

We don’t have any help. Both sets of parents live in our home town two hours away. We are NC with husbands family and my parents prefer having us over and will rarely come to us. My mum is about to retire but won’t come and stay at our place.
If we need to and it’s available we use breakfast club and after school club. We use holiday camps otherwise they go everywhere with us. If they can’t then one of us keeps the kids and the other goes alone. We haven’t spent any time alone without them since they were born unless we go during school or previously nursery hours. There is only one set of parents who our children will accept going to and sometimes they will do the odd pick up if we are running late but aside from this it’s just the two of us.
I have an autoimmune condition too so we just all make the best of it if I’m having a rubbish day.

Pil will help in an emergency, we don't get time off for "fun" unless they are all at school/college/university.

I find where we live there are a lot of people who live where they grew up. Grandparents often pick multiple grandchildren from school from different parents and families with 5+ children are relatively common

To be honest it’s any type of support, but mostly practical support given freely and gladly. In terms of my parents, they’re not close enough to offer week to week support, but they are able to lend money (they are millionaire boomers), although mum wasn’t keen.

We had very little help. My DM toxic and harder work than the children. Dh's DM lives a long way away and we would visit (stressful as she had two, big, untrained dogs) but she wouldn't visit us.

I felt very envious of friends who had family who they could lean on not just practically, but for emotional support. Most of my friends did have that in various shapes and forms. I still feel that gap now they are teenagers in terms of not having other adults who take an interest in their lives.

It's doable but hard and has definitely affected mine and dh's relationship.

My parents had me young so are both still working FT. DH's parents live 3 1/2 hours away. My mum covers some of the school holidays for us and DH's mum gets the train down and has our kids for a week in the summer. My dad doesn't even offer now but will be here there and everywhere for my step brothers kids. They live ten minutes away in the same town. We are only half an hour but you would think it was hours away. Day to day though we don't get any help from parents. However I work PT so that I can do all of the school runs and my job is flexible enough I can make up the hours if a child is sick. I am very lucky to have these options otherwise I don't know what we would have done.

Would it make more sense to ask your dad for help with childcare costs for paid breaks? That seems like your best bet.

This thread seems to pop up about once a week now. ‘Why don’t/ won’t my parents help out with my children?’

I think you have to decide as a couple whether you want children and how that might look - without the involvement of anyone else. Ignore grandparents saying they will help out - they probably don’t realise what a tie it is and how exhausting it can be. They might move away or might die!

You need to do the numbers as a couple - how much will childcare cost, how will it affect our careers, who will do what? And then make a decision that works for you.

And then, if you get offered occasional babysitting or a weekend off, it’s just a bonus. And guess what, no one interferes with your parenting.

I had my children abroad, used paid childcare and developed a network of friends and we helped each other out. It can be done.

That's so sad. My mum's dead. She would have loved to dote on her dgc.. My Mil is lovely and very involved thank god.

I hope your mum understands why you won't be keen on visiting very often when she is elderly. She doesn't sound like a very nice person (sorry).

There are some interesting posts here which initially say they have no support but then mention help when kids are ill and it turns out 'no support' to them means 'no regular weekly childcare'
Round here I know loads of families where grandparents do a lot and quite often it seems to be really taken for granted. Local schools and nurseries often do a 'grandparents morning' or send letters inviting us into school and suggesting we send a grandparent if we can't make it. It does sting a little as in our case we have two living grandparents, one who lives 2 hours away and in poor health (we travel to her and help out with things around the children as and when we can, it can be stressful) and the other a flight away. Between us we have one sibling who doesn't leave their local area (2 hours away) , and another sibling at the other end of the country with a complicated life so they are not in a position to support.

We did have a bit more support when the grandparents were younger and the other two were alive and the two remaining grandparents are loving and interested from a distance. So I know some people have even less but it is a struggle.

We have friends who would help in an emergency eg if one of us was hospitalized, but they are generally all juggling work and children and I can't ask them to help out just to go out for dinner or a hobby or something.

We could pay a babysitter but when life is already exhausting the thought of finding someone, booking it, making sure the house is tidy for babysitter, putting a pizza in fridge, driving babysitter home at the end of the evening etc makes it really off-putting to me for the sake of going out for a meal.

I know we ought to make our wills but I am putting it off because I genuinely have no idea who to put as guardian for the children.

Are you asking them for a one off loan or a monthly boost to your finances? Oh, and are you an only child or do you have siblings who would have their nose put out of joint if it's the latter?

I’m in same position regarding the will, but weirdly my upcoming divorce makes that a bit easier because it is less likely than ex and I will be dead at the same time now. But we genuinely don’t have any family that could have DD. She is financially very well provided for but there’s no suitable family to nominate.

She’d be at the mercy of foster care
or my completely irresponsible sibling that I rarely see. He’s lovely in many ways, but couldn’t look after a goldfish and he’s mid 40’s so it’s not like he’s going to grow up and change suddenly.

I did write a will and asked my closest friend if she’d have them until adults, and left her money to get a bigger house etc. in case it helps. Luckily, mine are nearly grown up now.