How normal is it to have direct family support when you have young children?

[Awobabobob]

Dp and I have very little family help regarding our two preschool children. DPs parents are not involved and in fact have never done anything for him in his adult life. My parents live an hour away and have visited twice this year. If I was desperate they would help in an emergency, but they would have to be available (both retired).
Recently I’ve become more and more aware that we are the exception and far from the norm and it makes me feel quite sad. I’m suffering with my health and the moment and could really do with the kind of support that others enjoy. I can only think of one other family that has a similar set up, out of about 20 families I know.

What is normal amongst the young families you know?

In the experience of nearly all my friends, the families usually live long- distance, so "support" was never really A Thing. They just got on with it themselves.

None at all. My parents aren’t around anymore and DHs aren’t interested.

Most of my friends get a fair amount of financial support - gifts towards their mortgages or big birthday sums, not money the friends ask for - alongside a day or two of childcare a week, and usually a meal out funded at weekends.

Some people do some don't I had no help from family when my children were young. But I regularly help my DD with childcare and offer other support.
It depends on individual circumstances.

Very little here. We’re in a different country to all grandparents (and they have health / mobility issues that would rule out physical help anyway). DH’s sister lives nearby and has babysat 16 month old DS once. We do have some lovely friends who can and have helped out if we’ve been in a fix though.

I had very little support when mine were small, my parents and sister all worked full time. So when DD had hers, I was determined to be very available. She works shifts and I often have the grandchildren overnight/do school run if her DH is also working. I also have time off in the school holidays etc. Thankfully my DH and I run a business together so I can be fairly flexible.

I asked my parents for some financial help when I was heavily pregnant with my second and had lost a lot of work and mum made it clear she wasn’t keen on lending me any. So I ask dad behind her back now because I’m in a financial hole right now and am struggling. Dad lends it to me without fuss

So you have been tapping your Dad for loans for a long time behind your mother’s back because you know he will give it to you… ohh THAT kind of help you mean.

Very mixed with my friend group. Like everything else in life, those that have it take it totally for granted and assume everyone else is the same as them.

Many people I know don't have family nearby, common enough in a city, but they don't count the fact the support is still there is other ways. For example my sister goes to visit her in laws two or three times a year, and someone cooks them all dinner for two days and stays in with the kids so the couple go out, or takes the kids to the park for a few hours. As the kids got older they would spend a few nights at grandparents house in the Summer. She comes to stay once or twice a year with our parent who doesn't really help, but when she puts the kids to bed she can go out and meet friends. She would still say she has no support around and discount the 4 or 5 weekends a year when she has.

Most people I know have support from one or both sides of their family. They either live near by (within half an hour) or visit every few weeks. We also know a few couples who have moved closer to their children as soon as they've had a baby although not sure how I'd feel about that!

It is a shame OP as my parents and in laws were very involved when we needed them. Obviously they'd still be as involved but when your kids get to their late teens, they don't have much time for anyone except their own friends and going out...

I'd stop comparing others....you always notice who seems to have it better....that way leads to disappointment. Be greatful the grandparents are still alive even if you don't see them often

Well it was either that or quit work totally and sell the house!

You’re so right with this. Comparison is the thief of joy etc

I don’t think practical help from family is as common as you think.None of my friends who are DGP provide regular childcare .
I help my DD one day a week & also emergencies & weekends / holidays when required but that’s because I want to do it not because I feel it’s my duty (I had zero help with my 2 little ones as a single mother working full time )
As lovely as it is looking after DGC, It’s also really knackering as you get older, especially when our own parents are ageing and place more demands on us too !
You are very fortunate to have financial help though

We had some help when my eldest was a baby but not much because my mum worked but when I got seriously ill and my eldest was a toddler my mum moved hundreds of miles away on a whim. She wasn’t around to help with my youngest either. I did feel envious of those who had parents to help (not so much babysitting but emotional support, just visiting for a chat etc) It was hard managing hospital appointments and a toddler but she was thankfully well behaved and loved going to see the doctors. My mum has moved back closer to us “to help out” but then spends over 6 months away on holiday so in reality she’s moved here so we can look after her in her old age.

Locally it surprises me that there's so many people who had the serendipitous combination of living locally to family who are also conveniently recently retired with spare time and energy and actually care about their grandchildren.

I couldn't have afforded my home town and no one I knew from school has settled in that immediate area, and mine and DH's family were either young enough to still be working FT or too elderly.

I've had 3 hours of family childcare in 14 years; to go to a funeral that was in my home town. Everything else was paid for or favours with friends (but sporadic because of our own loads and not being CFers)

When most local friends use family as a support network, it's awkward because favours don't mutually balance easily, and it can be hard to "network" when there's limited social capacity to form those bonds.

From what I know, have seen from my friends, colleagues and wider family - it’s more normal than not to have some family support.

On mumsnet it almost seems more ‘normal’ to have none. In other parenting groups/ forums I’ve seen, when someone is complaining of a lack of childcare for example, I see nothing but supportive comments and a level of expectation that most families want to be involved if they can - on mumsnet any post like that would be shot down with a ‘nobody owes you childcare’ and endless stories about how they coped with 5 under 5, a husband who worked away and no family, friends or neighbours within a 100 mile radius.

I do seem quite surrounded by the ‘my parents do childcare half the week/ pick them up from school 3 days a week/ have them regularly for the weekend so we can have a night away together’ type and get a pang of jealousy sometimes but I always knew I couldn’t really expect that in our situation.

We’re somewhere in the middle. We’re older parents, my own parents are no longer with us and DH’s parents are getting older themselves so whilst they can manage to cover e.g. a hospital appointment or a real emergency, we wouldn’t ask them for much more than that. They help and are involved in other ways though - not overly or to the extent that I think my mum would have been, but they’ll come to her dance show or they bought her first school shoes, that kind of thing.

DH has no other family in this country. I have a bigger family - my siblings are older with their own children and grandchildren - and those grown up children are closer in age to me. Everyone works and has busy lives, so I wouldn’t ask often, but there’s people we can ask in a pinch. And lots of people who love and see DD regularly which is more important to me.

I’ve been really conscious of building friendships with other local mums and we are able to help each other out occasionally too - e.g one of my now close friends I met at a baby group and our girls are now in the same class, we’ve been able to pick the other one up and give them an easy tea on a few occasions to help the other one.

How long are you going to sponge off him for? Most people think you are looking for childcare here on the thread but you are, in fact, looking for money and have been taking it for a long time behind your mother’s back. That is sneaky and wrong. Your mother is wide to you so you bleed your Dad for money knowing he will give it to you. That’s not support, that’s manipulation.

I don’t think it’s loans, it’s sounds like it’s just taking payouts. I’ve seen no suggestion or repayment.

My late MIL was excellent for a few years, then got too old and eventually too ill. No Mum. My late Dad was rubbish. FIL lives too far away, too frail.

we managed by paying for nursery, then wrap around care and holiday clubs and eventually a fantastic group of Mum friends who all rally together when needed.

I’ve had to use our neighbour (late 70s) and - mum friends as an emergency contact (they want someone not mum or dad).

We have a lot of family help; but my kids are the first and only DGC on both sides at the moment, plus our parents are really young (under 60). My dad is 1 of 6, I’m 1 of 5; so my siblings babysit too.

Because of all this I intend to have loads of kids because more siblings = a bigger potential support network.

Have not read the thread but we got no help, very occasional baby sitting but only if the kids were sleeping when we left - neither set of grandparents were prepared to look after awake children ever! Our neighbours had the GPs fighting over looking after them - the parents had several weekends away - but they were the exception.

There is no normal.
I'm an ex pat so no family nearby.
DH elderly father lived up north (we're SE)
was always terribly envious of my siblings who had years of free childcare and of friends who had family nearby

Don't know if it's just me but I've found that families without support tend to bunch together, my 2 best friends are in the same situation, no support. Other more ..can't think of the appropriate word...but superficial friends have loads of help and are always off with the family. You have to make your own village.

Why are you in perpetual debt maybe you should seek advice to sort that problem?

Why couldn’t you carry on working and downsize your house? That’s what people who can’t tap their dad would do