How normal is it to have direct family support when you have young children?

[Awobabobob]

Dp and I have very little family help regarding our two preschool children. DPs parents are not involved and in fact have never done anything for him in his adult life. My parents live an hour away and have visited twice this year. If I was desperate they would help in an emergency, but they would have to be available (both retired).
Recently I’ve become more and more aware that we are the exception and far from the norm and it makes me feel quite sad. I’m suffering with my health and the moment and could really do with the kind of support that others enjoy. I can only think of one other family that has a similar set up, out of about 20 families I know.

What is normal amongst the young families you know?

I think we would have been at, 3.5, we had emergency - as in, someone has gone to hospital, not, a pipe has burst in the house - cover. I'm from a family that was at 1.

We hadn’t lots of help from my parents. DM was my childminder for 18 months. They were more than happy to have the children to stay for a weekend even when they were little. On the other hand, DHs parents lived 120 miles away and MiL was disabled. We visited them but they were unable to give us any help at all. We belonged to a large babysitting circle and as the children got a bit older some of us would help each other out during the day as well.

I seem to live in an area with lots of hands on grandparents. So much so the idea of babysitting swapping with friends/parents from school just wasn't even needed because they already had lots of family options so absolutely didn't want to spend their time sitting in my house of an evening. I'm one of very few parents that do the school run. Our school doesn't offer any wraparound or after school clubs. When the school sent out a survey to see if wraparound would be used it would seem I was the only one interested. School decided there wasn't enough interest so didn't do it.

We get very little support. I've had home births to avoid that childcare issue. I've been told no when in hospital by my mum if she could have my child for an afternoon. To be honest we can barely get any family to visit us let alone any support. They even forget my children's birthdays. They do however fully support my siblings. They have had week long no children holidays, been able to retrain doing months of week long work placements far away. Full childcare for return to work after mat leave. Weekends away. Emergencies, weddings.... the list goes on.

The difference that help and support over time has amounted to is hard to witness. Financially particularly but lifestyle too. When everything is a option because you have support you can live in a bigger bolder way saying yes to opportunities.

So no advice op but just to say a massive yes it's absolutely shite. It doesn't really matter what's normal or common. I think it's rubbish to feel let down by family particularly when you are struggling. There are many ways to offer support. I know I would want to for my children in any way I could.

There is no 'normal'-just people in different situations and choices to make.

Some people move back nearer to their parents if they get on well and they provide support (you didn't do this).
Some people don't have children or only have one to make things cheaper (you didn't do this).

Some people have plenty of help, some have none, some people use childcare, others work around their children. Some people have millionaire boomer dads they tap for money, others don't,

There is not an 'Everyone else who has loads of help' versus you scenario.

Do we really think about how much support we have and we will need before deciding to have a family - we didn’t get any help, we didn’t expect to get any, we tried paid help but the first person they sent me was bloody useless and I found myself thinking, I have new born twins, the last thing I need is to be managing a home help who doesn’t have a clue. I had PND, twins and lived in a new area - the friendship thing didn’t happen - I wasn’t great company. We put the babies in nursery for a couple of days a week so I could breath. And eventually I learned to cope without help. I didn’t have a clue how hard it was going to be - we should have thought about it and planned more. We certainly didn’t think having another was a good idea.