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Would you go to a works xmas do, if you disliked your job and had an ongoing grievance?

79 replies

theidiotswind · 21/10/2025 12:17

I am a curmudgeon with xmas dos anyway, admittedly. My colleagues in the main are perfectly lovely people, but have my own friends and family and people to have dinner and/or drinks with and there's maybe only one or two of my colleagues I would choose to do this with if we lived closer to one another.

We all work remotely.

But at the moment I really do not like my job and have been trying my best to find something else for months but there just isn't anything. I'm a tutor of adult learners and was made redundant in 2023, and have taken this job, mainly involving paperwork for a company related to the subject I tutor in. The job has nothing 'wrong' with it, but the wage is rubbish, It's incredibly boring and I long to be doing something more involved. I have done a bit of freelance tutoring but I can't seem to find anything that would fit around my current job or would pay enough and be stable enough to enable me to leave it.

Then there's the grievance. I was put on a PIP a few months ago and I contested it because most of it made no sense, and the bits that did were tiny misdemeanors that would not warrant a PIP. I took this to the Union who wholeheartedly agreed with me and challenged it. They also cited discrimination (I have ADHD and some of it was around timekeeping, but again it was very 'fluffy'', no real targets just things like 'be better at timekeeping' so I had no idea what they meant).

They have allegedly dropped the PIP but I have had no real resolution to it in writing.

I also raised another issue, which is that when I began the job they gave me a day I didn't request to work, as an extra day citing it as temporary yet each time I have put in a flexible working request they have refused to take me off it. This means less time for freelance work and other commitments.

I would be more sympathetic if they were very stuck for cover for that day but there was another colleague put on the same shift (due to the company expanding), who started very recently who has recently been taken off this shift without issue. And one of their reasons they gave as to why they couldn't take me off this day was also that none of the newer intake of colleagues wanted to work this day at all, which I know to be a lie as at least two of them do. I hope that makes sense-but in short I feel mistreated by the company, in particular my manager who I believe put me on the PIP as she saw me as a soft touch, I am very mild mannered at work, very much a 'yes person', will help everyone,stay behind if required etc and I think she just felt I'd be an easy person to make an example of. Same with the shift changes, she'd kind of hoped I'd not say anything. Morale for me is low.

The work's do is in a different city involving a train ride at around 06:00, a training day and then dinner and drinks/dancing and an overnight stay. I don't dance and although I do drink alcohol I've no desire to drink all night with a load of people I am not interested in spending time with. It just isn't my idea of fun and feels a big hassle.

I probably sound like a right miserable sod but I promise I'm not! I have a lot of friends and close family, I generally like to go out and have conversations with people. I just feel like I will not enjoy this at all.

I went last year, even more inconvenient as it was much further away and I can't say I enjoyed it although I put on a 'face' and it wasn't the worst night of my life-but I was so so glad to be home and felt like I'd lost my whole weekend doing something I'd have not chosen to do. This was also before I had got so jaded with work and before the grievance. I am close to one colleague who really wants me to go Sad

I do have a convenient excuse in that I have a dog who's getting old and I can only leave with my ex partner as she's anxious as anything with anybody else and also difficult with them (plus, in any case I don't really have anybody else). But, ex is probably available although I haven't checked yet.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Bishopstail · 21/10/2025 12:23

Not go. Make an excuse. If someone put me on an undeserved PIP, i wouldn't be socialising with them at all.

madaboutpurple · 21/10/2025 12:27

You could just say you have a prior event booked on that date and can't cancel it.

Jumungo · 21/10/2025 12:28

Regardless of all the background, if you don't want to go ... don't go.

Even more so with everything you've explained.

Is the date already fixed? Then you could say you've already got plans.

Tamfs · 21/10/2025 12:31

Is the training day mandatory? It's always harder when you need to leave after one of those going into an evening social. You could invent a prior engagement, or you can just say no thank you and leave at the end of the training day. Depends on your own personal approach.

theidiotswind · 21/10/2025 12:34

I can't do much regarding the day, as they proposed several days around a month ago to see if anyone definitely couldn't do any of them. They've now decided on a day, but I'd have had to haev said I couldn't do any of the 3 or 4 dates they proposed and then they may have come back with a different one and I'd have been seen as being difficult. I realise I might be being difficult but yes, I would want to avoid my manager all evening for definite at a minimum.

She really did not expect me to react the way I did to the PIP and has been very 'overly friendly' with me ever since so I have a feeling she might do that in person too. I see the PIP thing as quite a big deal, it caused me a lot of stress and took up a lot of time but I was absolutely not in a million years going to accept it, bluntly, it was a load of crap.

OP posts:
DeltaAlphaDelta79 · 21/10/2025 12:43

I dont go to any work christmas do's and havent for a long time. I might be friendly with people I work with, but I don't want to socialise with them. Plus, if its a work event there is always the wariness of letting your hair down a little too much, even if by accident.

Sod that!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 21/10/2025 12:44

I think the Christmas party is the least of your worries. In answer to your question, no I wouldn’t go in your situation. But as it really does look like they’re trying to manage you out, you may want to show your face. Not going gives them more ammunition against you. You need to find another job asap.

theidiotswind · 21/10/2025 12:45

DeltaAlphaDelta79 · 21/10/2025 12:43

I dont go to any work christmas do's and havent for a long time. I might be friendly with people I work with, but I don't want to socialise with them. Plus, if its a work event there is always the wariness of letting your hair down a little too much, even if by accident.

Sod that!

Yes, this is how I feel. Can't be yourself at all!

OP posts:
Bambamhoohoo · 21/10/2025 12:45

I’m really interested in why the works do has seemingly pushed your buttons so much OP?

theidiotswind · 21/10/2025 12:46

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 21/10/2025 12:44

I think the Christmas party is the least of your worries. In answer to your question, no I wouldn’t go in your situation. But as it really does look like they’re trying to manage you out, you may want to show your face. Not going gives them more ammunition against you. You need to find another job asap.

I am absolutely trying my best. Unfortunately I have had this type of thing happen repeatedly. I think I have one of those 'faces that doesn't fit' although I really do try my best to be a good colleague and I work hard. I have considered that I may look even worse to them if I don't go but at the moment I am veering toward not caring.

OP posts:
Makemineacosmo · 21/10/2025 12:46

Hell no. I don't even go to mine and I love my job and my colleagues. I spend enough time with these people as it is.

madaboutpurple · 21/10/2025 12:50

I was just thinking about a career for you, would you be able to set up being a tutor as you could then avoid hassle from colleagues. I am sure many parents would want to book you to help with their child's education.

MrsMoastyToasty · 21/10/2025 13:09

I always claim a prior engagement (even if it's an "appointment " with Coronation Street).

theidiotswind · 21/10/2025 13:18

madaboutpurple · 21/10/2025 12:50

I was just thinking about a career for you, would you be able to set up being a tutor as you could then avoid hassle from colleagues. I am sure many parents would want to book you to help with their child's education.

I have looked into starting my own tutoring company for the subject I tutored-It's just the cost and if it failed, that's all lost. I haven't ever taught children unfortunately. Thankyou for thinking of me, really do appreciate that.

OP posts:
WhatTheFuk · 21/10/2025 13:40

It’s your friend’s birthday…

Padz · 21/10/2025 18:20

Just don’t go!
I love my job and my colleagues but I just don’t do work socials end of!

ThatLemonBear · 21/10/2025 18:40

Just be honest and say its not for you, thank you very much for the invite but you won't be attending. They can't force you to a social event. I never go to Christmas parties as I am hugely introverted and I'm upfront about it. My colleagues are used to it now!

Needmorelego · 21/10/2025 18:45

Just don't go.
I frequently didn't go to my jobs Christmas night out simply because I hate that type of event (Christmas meal, booze, dancing, being up past 9.30 😂)
My excuse was always "I'm not going because it's not my thing" and that was that.
No one really cared.

Thingamebobwotsit · 21/10/2025 18:55

I don't even go to Christmas do's even when I like where I am working as a general rule. I tend to have quite a commute so it isn't really an option.

At the end of the day enforced socialising with a group of people I may or may not know well, isn't a priority now that I have my own family, so even without reading all your post I don't think you should worry about going. The circumstances make it even doubly more important not to stress about it. You won't enjoy it. End of.

Handedin · 21/10/2025 19:01

I'm not going to mine. It has caused quite a stir!

theresnolimits · 21/10/2025 19:02

I didn’t go to mine for about ten years. Just said I couldn’t make that date. Evenings are your own time and no one can make you. Top tip - don’t over explain, just say ‘I can’t make that date’. No need for a reason and if pressed ‘It’s personal’ closes down all conversations.

I’m not a curmudgeon either - it was just a really young crowd and it was all a bit silly for me.

trainkeepsgoing · 21/10/2025 20:44

Don’t overthink it, just don’t go

ThatWordDoesNotMeanWhatYouThinkItMeans · 21/10/2025 20:51

I rather like my job, and I really like the people in the team I work with day to day.

I socialise with them for team events and leaving drinks etc. but I haven't attended an 'all staff' Summer or Christmas party for years.

Literally nobody cares, because I'm not the only one.

Buttcraic · 21/10/2025 20:53

No way, i dont even go when things are going good 🤣

Winterstormsu · 21/10/2025 20:57

Honestly I’d just be “oops got a migraine” that day. Im at the tail end of my career now and I can’t be arsed with being made to socialise with people I wouldn’t wish to spend time with if I didn’t work remotely with.