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Original poster

Would you go to a works xmas do, if you disliked your job and had an ongoing grievance?

79 replies

theidiotswind · 21/10/2025 12:17

I am a curmudgeon with xmas dos anyway, admittedly. My colleagues in the main are perfectly lovely people, but have my own friends and family and people to have dinner and/or drinks with and there's maybe only one or two of my colleagues I would choose to do this with if we lived closer to one another.

We all work remotely.

But at the moment I really do not like my job and have been trying my best to find something else for months but there just isn't anything. I'm a tutor of adult learners and was made redundant in 2023, and have taken this job, mainly involving paperwork for a company related to the subject I tutor in. The job has nothing 'wrong' with it, but the wage is rubbish, It's incredibly boring and I long to be doing something more involved. I have done a bit of freelance tutoring but I can't seem to find anything that would fit around my current job or would pay enough and be stable enough to enable me to leave it.

Then there's the grievance. I was put on a PIP a few months ago and I contested it because most of it made no sense, and the bits that did were tiny misdemeanors that would not warrant a PIP. I took this to the Union who wholeheartedly agreed with me and challenged it. They also cited discrimination (I have ADHD and some of it was around timekeeping, but again it was very 'fluffy'', no real targets just things like 'be better at timekeeping' so I had no idea what they meant).

They have allegedly dropped the PIP but I have had no real resolution to it in writing.

I also raised another issue, which is that when I began the job they gave me a day I didn't request to work, as an extra day citing it as temporary yet each time I have put in a flexible working request they have refused to take me off it. This means less time for freelance work and other commitments.

I would be more sympathetic if they were very stuck for cover for that day but there was another colleague put on the same shift (due to the company expanding), who started very recently who has recently been taken off this shift without issue. And one of their reasons they gave as to why they couldn't take me off this day was also that none of the newer intake of colleagues wanted to work this day at all, which I know to be a lie as at least two of them do. I hope that makes sense-but in short I feel mistreated by the company, in particular my manager who I believe put me on the PIP as she saw me as a soft touch, I am very mild mannered at work, very much a 'yes person', will help everyone,stay behind if required etc and I think she just felt I'd be an easy person to make an example of. Same with the shift changes, she'd kind of hoped I'd not say anything. Morale for me is low.

The work's do is in a different city involving a train ride at around 06:00, a training day and then dinner and drinks/dancing and an overnight stay. I don't dance and although I do drink alcohol I've no desire to drink all night with a load of people I am not interested in spending time with. It just isn't my idea of fun and feels a big hassle.

I probably sound like a right miserable sod but I promise I'm not! I have a lot of friends and close family, I generally like to go out and have conversations with people. I just feel like I will not enjoy this at all.

I went last year, even more inconvenient as it was much further away and I can't say I enjoyed it although I put on a 'face' and it wasn't the worst night of my life-but I was so so glad to be home and felt like I'd lost my whole weekend doing something I'd have not chosen to do. This was also before I had got so jaded with work and before the grievance. I am close to one colleague who really wants me to go Sad

I do have a convenient excuse in that I have a dog who's getting old and I can only leave with my ex partner as she's anxious as anything with anybody else and also difficult with them (plus, in any case I don't really have anybody else). But, ex is probably available although I haven't checked yet.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
theidiotswind · 21/10/2025 21:04

Handedin · 21/10/2025 19:01

I'm not going to mine. It has caused quite a stir!

I have a feeling my not going will cause a stir, too.

I will be the only one. Everyone else is very excited about it it seems.

They see it as a 'thank you' to us and although I agree we cannot be forced to do a social event, It is expected. I can't say anything about the date as, as I said above they gave the team a few to choose from and I could hardly say 'nope can't do any of those!' and if I had they could have always come back with another one. We're a small team and they book a room with several other work dos going on. There's also the training day to take into account although to be honest, last time nobody paid the slightest bit of attention, most people were shattered from the journey and just wanted to be in our hotel rooms resting and/or getting ready to go out to the 'do'.

I felt very, I don't know, as a previous poster implied 'on' all night. If I go out for wine with friends I am me, nobody else. I can't do that on a work's do. They pay for our transport and our hotel stays... So it will be seen as a snub.

I am single, no children, just me and the dog. Early 40s. So people with families etc have much more of an excuse not to go but they all do! I am not old enough to imply I never go out etc and they know I do from discussions we've had about what we've done on our weekends etc....

But it felt like a chore last year and I felt like a respected, valued employee then. I don't at all now, I feel demoralised and unappreciated because of what's happened recently.

But, I am already 99% sure that my ex can't have the dog that night. Thank you for responding all of you, appreciate it.

OP posts:
thereisajellyfish · 21/10/2025 21:19

Nope!. I hardly go to mine and I get on really well with my colleagues, but I see them enough as it is and would rather spend time with my family.

Howdidlifegetsobusy · 21/10/2025 21:30

I think you are going to have to attend the training day, but the “do”, just say no thanks as you have other commitments in the evening.

Cherrysoup · 21/10/2025 21:30

I just tell people I’m not going if they specifically ask or ignore invitations. Nobody chases despite our new ‘opt out’ culture. Think (hope!) this is somewhat of a pisstake. Either way, I haven’t signed up. Can you just not sign up? No need to explain?

Tryingtobedifferent · 22/10/2025 19:11

I don't have any of the problems you have around work, and I never go to the works Christmas do lol when asked I just say no. Nobody has ever questioned it and I do sometimes go to other social things with work, I just don't get the Christmas do thing (£50 for a basic meal and a dodgy tribute act is really not my idea of fun)

Arctician · 23/10/2025 13:58

Tough Love from me OP …..Agreed - you DO sound like a bit of a miserable sod. Of course, that’s understandable as it appears that life has dealt you a very unfavourable hand. On the other hand - someone who can post a 900 word ‘poor me’ certainly has a queer type of ADHD. Who knew? Bottom line - stay home with the dog, let the others enjoy your absence. Merry Christmas when it comes btw.

Comeonbabylightmyfire · 23/10/2025 14:23

No, I wouldn’t be going and wouldn’t make excuses about why I’m not. I don’t want to is perfectly valid.

They see it as a 'thank you' to us
In Which case you can answer with a fuck you to them.

Original poster
theidiotswind · 23/10/2025 22:23

Arctician · 23/10/2025 13:58

Tough Love from me OP …..Agreed - you DO sound like a bit of a miserable sod. Of course, that’s understandable as it appears that life has dealt you a very unfavourable hand. On the other hand - someone who can post a 900 word ‘poor me’ certainly has a queer type of ADHD. Who knew? Bottom line - stay home with the dog, let the others enjoy your absence. Merry Christmas when it comes btw.

Well, I were diagnosed without question and don't see how else I could've comprehensively explained the situation than how I did. I appreciate people's differences however.
And thank you. I do love a lot of things about Christmas. You too.

OP posts:
Original poster
theidiotswind · 23/10/2025 22:24

Comeonbabylightmyfire · 23/10/2025 14:23

No, I wouldn’t be going and wouldn’t make excuses about why I’m not. I don’t want to is perfectly valid.

They see it as a 'thank you' to us
In Which case you can answer with a fuck you to them.

😆
I've since learned that the country manager is leaving..I have my grievance meeting tomorrow...let's see how that goes...

OP posts:
Original poster
theidiotswind · 23/10/2025 22:25

Bambamhoohoo · 21/10/2025 12:45

I’m really interested in why the works do has seemingly pushed your buttons so much OP?

There's nothing else other than what I explained in the OP.

OP posts:
Lasnailinthecoffin · 23/10/2025 23:42

I was a temporary teacher in a small primary school years ago and the Headteacher took against me for some unknown reason. She deliberately left me out in discussions and when making drinks. She came into my classroom and undermined me. Then just before Christmas she came into my room after school and demanded to know why I hadn't paid the deposit for the Christmas meal at a local restaurant.

I took great pleasure in asking her why she thought I would want to spend even one minute in her company, that I didn't have to, after the way she had treated me. She actually looked shocked.

Original poster
theidiotswind · 24/10/2025 08:01

Lasnailinthecoffin · 23/10/2025 23:42

I was a temporary teacher in a small primary school years ago and the Headteacher took against me for some unknown reason. She deliberately left me out in discussions and when making drinks. She came into my classroom and undermined me. Then just before Christmas she came into my room after school and demanded to know why I hadn't paid the deposit for the Christmas meal at a local restaurant.

I took great pleasure in asking her why she thought I would want to spend even one minute in her company, that I didn't have to, after the way she had treated me. She actually looked shocked.

Brilliant! I don't think I'd have the courage! What did she say?

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 24/10/2025 08:13

Why would you go? Genuinely. You cite numerous reasons not to go so I'm failing to understand why you would even consider it.

Xmasbaby11 · 24/10/2025 08:23

No, just don't go. I enjoy going to mine but plenty of people don't, for various reasons, and it's not seen as a big deal. Maybe it's awkward though, if people are talking about it a lot.

Original poster
theidiotswind · 24/10/2025 08:25

Because it is very much expected that everyone will go.

Because i will definitely be the onlh one who doesn't and I dont know if I will be ostracised and/or apprehended for being difficult as the only one who breaks the norm.

Nobody didnt go last year and from.what a long-term colleague has told me, one person didnt go one year about 5 years ago and she had care duties for a terminally ill parent..but other than that nobody has ever not gone.

Because it may look to my manager and her superiors that I am difficult and corroborate why there are issues with me (grievance).

Because practically, I can go.
Because my close colleague very much wants me to (although that is a lesser reason, I think she has some social anxiety and feels safer with me there so it feels a bit mean, It's one night from my life).

Apologies, I didnt explain those reasons properly upthead.

OP posts:
Halloweenisrathernice · 24/10/2025 09:06

theidiotswind · 21/10/2025 21:04

I have a feeling my not going will cause a stir, too.

I will be the only one. Everyone else is very excited about it it seems.

They see it as a 'thank you' to us and although I agree we cannot be forced to do a social event, It is expected. I can't say anything about the date as, as I said above they gave the team a few to choose from and I could hardly say 'nope can't do any of those!' and if I had they could have always come back with another one. We're a small team and they book a room with several other work dos going on. There's also the training day to take into account although to be honest, last time nobody paid the slightest bit of attention, most people were shattered from the journey and just wanted to be in our hotel rooms resting and/or getting ready to go out to the 'do'.

I felt very, I don't know, as a previous poster implied 'on' all night. If I go out for wine with friends I am me, nobody else. I can't do that on a work's do. They pay for our transport and our hotel stays... So it will be seen as a snub.

I am single, no children, just me and the dog. Early 40s. So people with families etc have much more of an excuse not to go but they all do! I am not old enough to imply I never go out etc and they know I do from discussions we've had about what we've done on our weekends etc....

But it felt like a chore last year and I felt like a respected, valued employee then. I don't at all now, I feel demoralised and unappreciated because of what's happened recently.

But, I am already 99% sure that my ex can't have the dog that night. Thank you for responding all of you, appreciate it.

Edited
Show quote history

I am going through a similar situation in my work OP, so I sympathise with you . I have worked my arse off in that place since I got there and like you , I am quiet and I think have one of those faces that doesn't fit. I would rather shite on my hands and clap than spend extra time with those people. Tell them you are busy. I hope you (and me!) find better jobs soon 🤞

Halloweenisrathernice · 24/10/2025 09:07

And cuddle your dog. That is the best night you can have for sure.❤️

Mollydoggerson · 24/10/2025 10:47

Hospital appointment that day.

Bambamhoohoo · 24/10/2025 12:40

theidiotswind · 23/10/2025 22:25

There's nothing else other than what I explained in the OP.

Show quote history

It seems like such a nothing thing to worry about though- there are all these issues but what you’re grappling with is whether to go to the Xmas party? Surely people don’t really care who does or doesn’t attend for any reason?

Lasnailinthecoffin · 24/10/2025 13:53

theidiotswind · 24/10/2025 08:01

Brilliant! I don't think I'd have the courage! What did she say?

Show quote history

She didn't say anything but just turned round and stomped out!

LadyDarcy80s · 24/10/2025 15:22

I don’t ever go to my work Christmas party. No other reason than it’s not how I want to spend my free time. I don’t give a reason I just don’t add myself to the list that is sent around that just asks for a tick if you’d like to come.

Needmorelego · 24/10/2025 19:07

Mollydoggerson · 24/10/2025 10:47

Hospital appointment that day.

I never understand the point of making up a lie.
"I'm not interested in going as it's not my thing" is all that needs to be said.
I often wonder how many companies have done the same drinks/dinner/disco event for 40 years but no one really enjoys it.
People have either sucked it up and gone or made up a silly excuse so they don't go - instead of just being honest and saying "that venue is a bit crap and it's a boring evening lets go somewhere else instead".

KeepAwayFromChildren · 24/10/2025 19:27

theidiotswind · 21/10/2025 12:34

I can't do much regarding the day, as they proposed several days around a month ago to see if anyone definitely couldn't do any of them. They've now decided on a day, but I'd have had to haev said I couldn't do any of the 3 or 4 dates they proposed and then they may have come back with a different one and I'd have been seen as being difficult. I realise I might be being difficult but yes, I would want to avoid my manager all evening for definite at a minimum.

She really did not expect me to react the way I did to the PIP and has been very 'overly friendly' with me ever since so I have a feeling she might do that in person too. I see the PIP thing as quite a big deal, it caused me a lot of stress and took up a lot of time but I was absolutely not in a million years going to accept it, bluntly, it was a load of crap.

You have had a positive covid test. You had been feeling rough all week after all.

Needmorelego · 24/10/2025 19:30

KeepAwayFromChildren · 24/10/2025 19:27

You have had a positive covid test. You had been feeling rough all week after all.

Show quote history

Again.....why lie?
"I am not interested in going"
That's all she needs to say.
No one needs to lie.

Original poster
theidiotswind · 24/10/2025 19:38

Bambamhoohoo · 24/10/2025 12:40

It seems like such a nothing thing to worry about though- there are all these issues but what you’re grappling with is whether to go to the Xmas party? Surely people don’t really care who does or doesn’t attend for any reason?

Show quote history

Unfortunately they really do. We're a small team and everyone else is going, everyone went last year, everyone went the year before. I did put this upthread but I think one person didn't go about 5 years ago, and she had a very specific, valid reason. It's not down as mandatory, but it is definitely very much expected.

OP posts: