Would you go to a works xmas do, if you disliked your job and had an ongoing grievance?

[theidiotswind]

I am a curmudgeon with xmas dos anyway, admittedly. My colleagues in the main are perfectly lovely people, but have my own friends and family and people to have dinner and/or drinks with and there's maybe only one or two of my colleagues I would choose to do this with if we lived closer to one another.

We all work remotely.

But at the moment I really do not like my job and have been trying my best to find something else for months but there just isn't anything. I'm a tutor of adult learners and was made redundant in 2023, and have taken this job, mainly involving paperwork for a company related to the subject I tutor in. The job has nothing 'wrong' with it, but the wage is rubbish, It's incredibly boring and I long to be doing something more involved. I have done a bit of freelance tutoring but I can't seem to find anything that would fit around my current job or would pay enough and be stable enough to enable me to leave it.

Then there's the grievance. I was put on a PIP a few months ago and I contested it because most of it made no sense, and the bits that did were tiny misdemeanors that would not warrant a PIP. I took this to the Union who wholeheartedly agreed with me and challenged it. They also cited discrimination (I have ADHD and some of it was around timekeeping, but again it was very 'fluffy'', no real targets just things like 'be better at timekeeping' so I had no idea what they meant).

They have allegedly dropped the PIP but I have had no real resolution to it in writing.

I also raised another issue, which is that when I began the job they gave me a day I didn't request to work, as an extra day citing it as temporary yet each time I have put in a flexible working request they have refused to take me off it. This means less time for freelance work and other commitments.

I would be more sympathetic if they were very stuck for cover for that day but there was another colleague put on the same shift (due to the company expanding), who started very recently who has recently been taken off this shift without issue. And one of their reasons they gave as to why they couldn't take me off this day was also that none of the newer intake of colleagues wanted to work this day at all, which I know to be a lie as at least two of them do. I hope that makes sense-but in short I feel mistreated by the company, in particular my manager who I believe put me on the PIP as she saw me as a soft touch, I am very mild mannered at work, very much a 'yes person', will help everyone,stay behind if required etc and I think she just felt I'd be an easy person to make an example of. Same with the shift changes, she'd kind of hoped I'd not say anything. Morale for me is low.

The work's do is in a different city involving a train ride at around 06:00, a training day and then dinner and drinks/dancing and an overnight stay. I don't dance and although I do drink alcohol I've no desire to drink all night with a load of people I am not interested in spending time with. It just isn't my idea of fun and feels a big hassle.

I probably sound like a right miserable sod but I promise I'm not! I have a lot of friends and close family, I generally like to go out and have conversations with people. I just feel like I will not enjoy this at all.

I went last year, even more inconvenient as it was much further away and I can't say I enjoyed it although I put on a 'face' and it wasn't the worst night of my life-but I was so so glad to be home and felt like I'd lost my whole weekend doing something I'd have not chosen to do. This was also before I had got so jaded with work and before the grievance. I am close to one colleague who really wants me to go

I do have a convenient excuse in that I have a dog who's getting old and I can only leave with my ex partner as she's anxious as anything with anybody else and also difficult with them (plus, in any case I don't really have anybody else). But, ex is probably available although I haven't checked yet.

WWYD?

I would call that a brilliant result.

I will keep everything crossed for you as well as myself! I am trying my best but it isn't a great market at the moment. I have a lot of qualifications in areas that just aren't advertising, and a lot of capability in other areas but they'll be inundated with applications for those, and some will have a lot more experience. Thank you for the solidarity!

OP I definitely wouldn’t go.

Or if I did I’d leave at the end of the training day and not join them for drinks.

At some point you/the Union or legal reps might have to claim something like constructive dismissal and the work place may use you attending a night out as evidence that you did feel comfortable with the team.

Also I’ve only attended one of my works Christmas parties and I’ve been there for years now 😆it’s a bit pathetic really if they make a huge deal out of it.

That is a good point.
I don't like being 'difficult' but they have treated me unfairly.

To be honest, although it is nice that everyone loves it so much, I find it a bit pathetic too. I don't quite know why I feel that way. It's dinner and drinks. If I want dinner and drinks, I'll go out somewhere I want to be with people I love to spend time with? Why do they get so excited about it?

Last year, I ate a 'pot noodle' (one of those noodle pots that mimics them but slightly healthier!) in my hotel room before we went to the dinner because I had a feeling dinner would arrive late and not sustain me for long especially with alcohol involved. I was right on both counts, and I am small/slim-not someone with a humongous appetite. It wasn't a fabulous feast or anything to write home about and there wasn't a lot. The table wine was ghastly, I couldn't drink it-and I am NOT a wine snob at all.

And the bar drinks were bloody expensive-and this is me who happily spends as much as I want on wine if I am somewhere I want to be, just kind of resent it when I'm not.

I guess maybe, because we all work remotely and others long to spend some 'in person' time together. I just don't feel that longing. Writing this has made me feel mean. Some workplaces I have worked at haven't bothered with a 'do' at all, or we had to pay for everything ourselves.

At least they try I suppose. Yes, #curmudgeon.

People always over think these things. If you don’t fancy going, don’t. Don’t make up excuses, just simply say you have to get back and hope everyone has a lovely evening.

Meant in the nicest way, nobody is really bothered if one of their colleagues can’t go. For everyone one who doesn’t go, there is a whole bunch of others they can chat too.

If they have treated you badly and you want to leave, are you even bothered they might go “ooo she’s not coming?” (Which they won’t. It will be such a non event).

I have been invited to a work event next Wednesday (a social), I simply declined and thank thanks but no thanks. Love all the people they’re fab. I just can’t be arsed to travel 2 hours each way in half term, even if I was paid.

That's all well and good but I have worked at companies where a very dim view would be taken if I had agreed a date I could attend and then simply said later that I was not interested in going. It's rude.

Next year, OP won't be so caught on the hop and can flatly refuse to go but she's agreed a date this year already.

I've worked in places where, even if I hadn't agreed a date and just stated I didn't want to go, there would have been snittiness. I'm not saying it's right. I hate socialising but it happens and people do stuff at work they don't want to on a regular basis just to fit in and keep the bills paid/mortgage mouth.

@theidiotswind

How did the meeting go today?

You’re not being difficult at all, as you say - they are treating you unfairly.

It seems you feel some sort of obligation to them and you’re feeling a bit guilty, but they are the ones who have caused this situation - and even if you didn’t have this conflict you’re still more than entitled to not attend. No need to feel mean!

The ones who are excited about it can go and have a great time or whatever. You’re not stopping them or being curmudgeonly 😄 do what’s best for you and hopefully you will be in a new and nicer job for Christmas 2026!

I just wouldn't go. No need to give excuses or over explain, just say that it isn't convenient/can't make it.

Work Christmas parties and meals were always fraught and unutterably shite. I must admit that when my children were born I was extremely grateful for the always useful "no babysitter" excuse. I trotted it out regularly and without shame

@KeepAwayFromChildren well yes obviously don't agree to go if you know you won't want to.
I just think people need to be more honest. It could be that everyone is happy to go out and socialise but they just don't want to go to the same crappy restaurant that the company has been going to for 30 years. But no one knows this because everyone just makes up "I'm ill" lies.

I wouldn't go I'd rather spend time with the dog. if they're going to be arsey with you they'll probably be arsey with you even if you go they'll just find a different reason. If the training is mandatory I would go to that and then say you're leaving.if they ask why, I would say there's no one to look after the dog It's not a lie if you don't ask your ex there isn't anyone . At a later date, if it was mentioned I would specifically say I was erroneously put on a pip. This caused a large amount of stress, I had to get the union involved and I've not received an apology for it. I really didn't want to spend my hard earned leisure time with some of the people who were responsible for that. I would also make sure that this was put in writing.

Aw gawd, I know . In my work, it is a small place and they are all so bloody interested in why I am not going (genuine reason -my son has a university concert that night that I need to attend). I feel for you OP. I cannot understand why anyone would think this is such a big deal if another person chooses not to attend because it is not their "thing". They are just nosey.

Thank you all-I have decided I am not going to go, because my ex 'can't' have the dog that night. It isn't just the night, I am setting off at daft o'clock so ex would need to get to my house the night before, be there all that day and most of the next while I travel back. So it is feasible someone wouldn't be able to be there all of that time/would have prior commitments. I might not give a reason at first however-rather just say 'can't make it, sorry!'.

This is so true. That grievance has dragged on for so long, I have had no acknowledgement from those who put me on the PIP, and the people who were meant to sort it out initially when I first raised a grievance, passed it on to someone else! Who was then on holiday for two weeks and then busy with someone else-such a shambles. If anyone digs any deeper into why I don't want to attend, they'll be told about that.

Thank you so much, I appreciate the good energy from this thread. I am currently sitting at my desk frantically looking on jobs.ac, indeed, government jobs, local education institutions... 😂

I have just applied for a tutoring position, my field, my subject. I don't know why I feel the need to put it on this thread other than I am pinning all of my hopes on it-I never used to do that with jobs, but since being made redundant this is the first fulltime employed position I have seen come up. Gold dust nowadays!

God no. I like my job but I'm not going to the Xmas do because it's a 2.5 hour train ride away, and they don't give us enough overnight allowance to cover a hotel.

No way would I go to an event like that. It sounds absolutely grim.

If I don't want to go I just say "I'm not going, I didn't feel like it". No point giving excuses - they know you haven't got a migraine or a friend's birthday, so just say you don't want to go. If my boss pushed me for a reason I'd tell the truth "I feel pretty disingenuous about the whole thing as I was put on a PIP that was entirely unjustified so I don't feel like socialising".

I hated work Xmas dos anyway and especially not ones like that that that seem compulsory but you have to attend in your own time . If it was me I wouldn't go. If the training is compulsory I'd go to that but say I have to get home that evening and not stay for the rest of it

I love my job, and some of my colleagues, but have intentionally booked theatre tickets for that evening. Loud, bad music; mediocre food; at least £20 just for the taxi. Non merci.

What is the training bit - isn’t that something you’d have to go to?

You sound like a very capable person who is very likely to get another job. On the one hand I’d say don’t go but on the other, is there any chance at all that this could be a networking opportunity for you to secure alternative work? To cement relationships that might be useful to you? Or that might open a few doors - or even just keep you in your current role long enough to find another job? If so, stay for a meal and leave early.

Don’t over explain,just say,no, got plans then. And leave it at that. I loved lots of my old colleagues, but never let work and my own life/friends inter mix, work was work, getting on with colleagues was a bonus. But always prioritised my real life first and foremost.

Yes, I do have a valid reason. Just also have a lot of self-doubt unfortunately! I amnot going to go. Thank you Mumsnetters!