I don't think i can carry on.

[Sheworearedapron]

I am so sorry to post this on chat, but I'm not sure where else to put this.

I know enough about my own mental state to know that I'm in crisis, but I don't know how what to say or how to ask for the help I need, I can't find the words to be able say them out loud.

Im so scared and feel so incredibly lonely, and I feel as though my heart is going to break.

I don't know how to reach out to my husband, family or friends without them going ""ffs red, why are you in this mess yet again, have you not learned the lessons from all the times before??" and I can't answer the question because I don't know why. I just am - back in an absolute shit show of a financial mess.

DH will be furious, (and rightly so), I have spoken to my closest friend, and given her some of the detail, (to be clear I have not asked her to help financially, and nor would I) but I feel as though she has distanced herself because I am so shit.

At 51, I should have my shit together, but I don't.

I don't know how to carry on with this life , I want to run away and be somewhere where I can't hurt those I love.

Hi OP That sounds rubbish for you. Are you sure you can’t talk to your husband?

That sounds awful OP.

Have you considered asking your bank if they do Carers Card accounts?

That way you can put a certain amount of money into an account that you and your DH can both access, and if your spending looks like it's going out of control again, you'll both be notified.

Didn’t want to read and run. Sending a hug and a handhold. I am hearing shame, financial issues, and mental health all jumbled in together. This is an anonymous forum that can sometimes be very kind and supportive. Would it help to write down (either here or privately) what you are so ashamed of? And then give yourself compassion (or allow us to) and be the kind supportive voice you need to hear? It sounds like you are beating yourself up about something in particular. We are all human and all make mistakes and do stupid stuff that seems to make no sense but even what looks like stupid stuff quite often has something underneath it that makes sense.

You can carry on, people love you and need you 💐

Or can you talk to Step Change about debt? Or another charity?
You’re not alone and you will be able to get proper independent advice (make sure it’s from a reputable source) and then maybe talk to your husband .

@Sheworearedapron

You may find more support on this board, you could ask MNHQ to shift it over, if you'd like to.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed 🌻

I have this notion in my mind that he will be so furious with me that it will end our marriage.

If I don't tell him, it'll likely end anyway because he won't ever be able to trust me again.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

I would like to recommend this book OP and see if it any of it resonates with you. The author's wife has ADHD and he explains her struggles and how he supports her. His wife Rox is a co-author and she has a chapter on finances. You might find it helpful. They have a page on FB and a podcast too

www.penguin.co.uk/books/458725/dirty-laundry-by-emery-richard-pink-and-roxanne/9781529915402

The most ridiculous thing is that I've managed to get my debts under control, and am paying them off consistently, snowballing, where I can, and by December I will have paid off all but four.

One debtor has added a charge to our property, effectively turning an unsecured loan into a secured one. This is the straw that has broken me.

So the loan is secured against your property? It sounds like you’ve done brilliantly in paying off the other debts ❤️

Sorry, I’ve just reread your post.

What issue do you have with them adding the charge? It makes zero difference to you if you continue to methodically pay the debts down.

I wouldn't worry about that.

I had a charge put on my property 20 years ago when I divorced.

I still managed to pay the debt off and the charge was then removed.

It's not necessarily a bad thing.

But going forward I think a carers account might help.

You sound as though you are managing the debt well by paying it off over such a quick timescale. Other than the charge on the house, which as someone else has pointed out will come off once the debt is paid, is there a reason it is hitting you so hard mentally now ?

Thank you, I will look into this.

At the risk of self-diagnosis I have, for a while now, suspected I may have ADHD. An awful lot about ADHD resonates with me.

What I don't want to do is use it as an excuse for the situation I find myself in; I've never been able to manage my money (although managing my budgets at work isn't an issue) it is like a foreign language, I know it should make sense, but it genuinely floors me. This is a fundamental skill, but I haven't grasped it.

At work, I am the one who is the sorter - I am highly organised and very capable, but personally, I am not. I am not good at doing things for myself.

How can I be teaching my daughter about looking after herself from a hygiene, health and life skills point of view, but yet be so woefully inadequate at it myself?

@Sheworearedapron they wrote another book called Small Talk and the shame that people live with so you are not alone.
I would also like to recommend this video (same people)

Have you asked your husband to take over finances?

Would that help?

The issue with the charge is that our mortgage deal runs out in January.

The charge was for £3000 (£2700 now). By December this will be under 2k and cleared by February. I'm throwing every spare penny at it that I can.

DH wants to add £15 - 20k onto our mortgage so that we can do some work to the house and replace one of the cars (which we do need to do).

My debt tracker is telling me that by this time next year, I'll have £5k of debt. My credit rating isn't great, but because I'm paying off as much as I am, it is slowly improving. I'm focused on getting rid of it all as quickly as possible, but its all I can think about.

It would massively help!! I'm so ashamed to ask him, because I've covered it up for so long. Its a lie by ommission really isn't it.

We've drilled into our DD that if you tell the truth then yes, we might be disappointed, but we can sort anything out together (she's 10). What an example I'm setting her - Mummy doesn't even do what she's asking you to do...

When you re-mortgage the charge will have to be paid back there and then.

So this could be a good thing if you borrow accordingly.

If your DH wants to borrow more money then this isn’t just a you problem, sounds like he’s not the best at it either. I’d sit down with him and tell him everything, then make a plan to pay it off, taking into account your remortgage where the charge on your house will need to be paid before you remortgage. Then a plan for saving money instead of getting in to more debt, don’t borrow more money, save what you need to and use that instead.

If your DH wants to borrow more money then this isn’t just a you problem, sounds like he’s not the best at it either.

What makes you say that?

Plenty of people borrow more for home improvements when they re-mortgage.

Are you forgetting that the OP said her DH doesn't know about this particular financial mess she's found herself in again?

Do they? Most people we know save up first then get what they want when they have the money. I wouldn’t be adding more to a mortgage for home improvements. It seems both the OP and her DH both see no issue with borrowing large amounts of money.

Yes they do.

Do you think everyone who adds a loft conversion or an extension for example, just simply saves up for it?

It's very common to borrow more on the mortgage and generally much cheaper than taking out a loan.

As far as the DH seems to be concerned there's no issue with borrowing more on the mortgage because he doesn't know about the OP's latest financial mess.