I don't think i can carry on.

[Sheworearedapron]

I am so sorry to post this on chat, but I'm not sure where else to put this.

I know enough about my own mental state to know that I'm in crisis, but I don't know how what to say or how to ask for the help I need, I can't find the words to be able say them out loud.

Im so scared and feel so incredibly lonely, and I feel as though my heart is going to break.

I don't know how to reach out to my husband, family or friends without them going ""ffs red, why are you in this mess yet again, have you not learned the lessons from all the times before??" and I can't answer the question because I don't know why. I just am - back in an absolute shit show of a financial mess.

DH will be furious, (and rightly so), I have spoken to my closest friend, and given her some of the detail, (to be clear I have not asked her to help financially, and nor would I) but I feel as though she has distanced herself because I am so shit.

At 51, I should have my shit together, but I don't.

I don't know how to carry on with this life , I want to run away and be somewhere where I can't hurt those I love.

If we reset our rate, then the charge doesn't come into consideration, its only if we remortgage that it does.

I hope this doesn't sound sarcastic, but im truly grateful that you're listening and asking questions - it is helping 💐

Oh I see.

Could you re-mortgage instead then and pay off the charge that way?

L&C Mortgage brokers are free and really helpful.

They come highly recommended on Martin Lewis' website - Money Saving Expert.

Either way, you'll have to speak to your husband sooner rather than later and good luck

How can I be teaching my daughter about looking after herself from a hygiene, health and life skills point of view, but yet be so woefully inadequate at it myself?

It's one life skill and you have messed up a bit, but that 'sorter' person you are at work has sorted the situation and you will soon be debt free.
Just out of interest what has the money been spent on ? DH has this idea that I am useless with money and I would be the first to admit I am not brilliant, but the majority of my debt is down to being the person who has paid for all child related expenses over the years, including childcare, whilst he out earned me and was able to save money. I hated asking for money so used a credit card instead when my wage wasn't enough.

My experience with decent DH’s is that they don’t care about the money as much as they do about their DW! Doing stuff alone is 10x harder!

In fairness to DH he is very good with money, our LTV is good we have £180k mortgage on a property worth £380k. I'm the problem here, not him.

I should have said that in terms of doing work to the house, that amounts to about 3k and is nothing that can't wait. He has a loan whuch he took out to replace our old car, but he extended that to accomodate some CC debt that was entirely my fault. (I pay £150 off the cc each month which is more than the minimum payment so the balance is coming down) His car is in dire need of replacement. We are looking at nothing more than £5k. To add the loan (largely my issue, plus last bit of the previous car) and to replace his car would be £15k

He wants to add it on to the mortgage so the loan is absorbed at a lower cost.

I had a pay rise earlier this year so we'd already discussed that the additional money would go towards the higher mortgage rates.

I am a little older than you and in going through peri-menopause and now Menopause I made the realisation that I likely have ADHD. Why now I asked myself?? Because in women, Oestrogen helps to mitigate against & manage a lot of the 'symptoms'. And when we start to lose our Oestrogen, that's when everything starts unravelling and comes crashing down.

I had started on HRT, but I needed a shed-load more than the average person might. Honestly, it has made such a difference - I feel better than I've felt in every long time, and after suffering from nighttime panic attacks for decades they have virtually stopped?!

Definitely start to read about women with ADHD, I particularly like Alex Partridge. Definitely take your own advice and talk to your husband. Are you finances and responsibilities shared equally? 🤗

I think you’ve got a lot to be proud of. You are taking responsibility for this situation (probably excessively so, there sounds like a lot of self blame which probably isn’t warranted) and you’re doing your best to fix it. You sound like a caring mum and partner, you are clearly performing well at work to be receiving pay rises and be the responsible one. You’ve become hyper focused on this one area of concern. No one here can or should tell you what to do, OP, but you’ll make better decisions if you can put this more into perspective and see that it’s one area where things haven’t gone as well as you’d hoped, that you’re taking excellent steps to improve things, and that it doesn’t make you a bad person. That may make you feel more able to carry on. It may also help to think about how the debt arose. What were you paying for that caused it? Was it actually expenditure that should have been shared with your partner? Or was it something that you felt you needed to keep a secret? If you can understand things a bit more, you can probably explain it better to your OH and have a constructive conversation about how to avoid the same thing happening again once your debts are paid off. That’s not necessarily handing the whole thing over to him, but it might be asking to work together with regard to your finances. The mortgage issue is hanging over you and it would be unwise for him to find out by himself that there is a charge on the property or your credit rating is an issue - and you’ll probably feel better once it’s out in the open. I would never end my relationship over one issue if my partner was honest, took ownership of what had gone wrong, and explained how they were putting it right. But the first steps come with the putting it into perspective. Start there, and you’ll feel stronger and more in control. Very best of luck.

Thank you.

For the most part nothing exceptional.

Prior to being with DH I was in an abusive relationship, I left that with nothing, no clothing, household items - I had the clothes I was wearing, my handbag and my car.

(I'm trying really hard to not come over as looking for sympathy)

Starting again with nothing was really hard, I was 35, moved back in with my parents, and felt like a failure. I know I spent money to make myself feel better, I was clinically depressed and in a very bad place. I was diagnosed with PTSD about this time last year, and was in therapy until this July.

I know that because I lost everything, I've wanted to replace things. I suppose it helped me to feel like I had worth.

What I'm trying to say is, it wasn't spent on me, but DD, DH, our home, because I wanted it to feel safe and warm and a place of love. I know my rationale is skewed hugely, and I can't excuse it. It's all my fault.

I’m coming from a place of deep empathy because Ive been there and will be again. The most important question is do you have children that can be taken care of for a couple of weeks without you? If so, you need to speak to a professional who can find a hospital/unit where you can go to get the correct help. You know you’re in a crisis, you can probably ride it out but you’ve asked for help so maybe this is what you need. I would definitely ask to be hospitalised if I didn’t have children who have nobody else to take care of them, but I can’t go away for 2 weeks. It’s compounded by your age as well, the lowered oestrogen causes depression and mood problems too. Who can you go to for help? Do you have a psychiatrist? Do you trust your GP?

Hi @Sheworearedapron- couple of things struck me reading your posts.
Firstly with the ADHD possibility and being efficient at work. It could be that you are channeling all your inner resources into being successful at work and doing a lot of masking even if you are unaware of it. You are then not able to do the same in your personal life because you mentally have exhausted your resources.
Secondly - have a think about some counselling - especially Person Centred. Having somewhere to talk about your issues with absolutely no judgement is very powerful. They can't help with the budgeting aspect but they can help you understand your issues.
Thirdly - there are places to help with budgeting etc - GPs even can refer for social prescribing who can then refer to agencies that can help.
I've been there - not knowing where to turn but it helps to remember you don't want to not carry on you just want the situation to change x

Thank you Juju.

I will speak to my GP and get back in touch with the therapy team I was under.

I know I'm masking, [because I hear myself saying yes, everything is fine, I'm okay, etc etc] I also know I'm overwhelmed and exhausted x

Sometimes we mask so well and manage to be very high functioning until we convince ourselves it’s not as bad as it is.