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Work 'romance' turned ick - what do I do?

81 replies

Sanfrancoco · 07/10/2025 16:54

Need some advice. A new colleague started about a year ago, he is cute and I'll admit I fancied him - not a huge fancy, just a 'nice to look at' fancy. Didn't act on anything because we work together. We didn't speak much but fast forward a couple months, he began messaging me a lot on teams around Easter, nothing major just 'morning/how are you' etc, I thought it was a little weird because we didn't talk much in person but thought maybe he's just trying to make new friends (he was very introverted in his first few months and I kinda forgot about him tbh). Anyway, we end up adding each other on social media as I was going away in summer to a destination he's interested in and he wanted to see holiday pics (my suggestion to add me) which obviously increased the contact between us. By this point he is messaging me every day on teams and replying to most of what I post on socials so we're constantly talking and a bit of mutual flirting. I was actually starting to like this guy so when he asked if he could take my number out the group chat and message me I said yes. We we're texting for a couple of weeks but I then developed major ick and decided there is nothing to pursue so started being a little distant/short responses hoping he'd pick up on the vibe and stop messaging me. Sadly he hasn't and is still messaging me via teams/text almost every day. Today he said he checks my teams status every day to see when I'm online and always asks when I'm in the office (a certain song comes to mind lol). Any advice? I don't want to involve management and I don't think he would stalk me in real life or anything. I don't know whether I should say anything because nothing really started or happened between us but I suspect he still thinks there's a chance and there isn't but I don't know whether to say anything or just continue being a bit distant and hope that he eventually gets the hint??

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TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 07/10/2025 16:58

You're just going to have to tell him you're not interested.

No point hinting and then getting annoyed because he didn't pick up on it.

I would tell him that you would like to go back to just being colleagues as office romances are a bad idea.

RuffledKestrel · 07/10/2025 16:58

If nothing has already happened and neither of you have had a talk about feeling then I'd probably just drop into conversation that you are going on a date this evening/weekend. See how he reacts, if he's curious then you can more easily slip into "sorry your not really what I'm looking for/I don't date in the work place".

GloryFades · 07/10/2025 17:00

I’d white lie and say you just wanted to let him know you’ve started dating someone and then cool off on engaging with the chat and hopefully he will too. You don’t need to mention that when the mystery man eventually doesn’t work out…

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Sanfrancoco · 07/10/2025 17:02

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 07/10/2025 16:58

You're just going to have to tell him you're not interested.

No point hinting and then getting annoyed because he didn't pick up on it.

I would tell him that you would like to go back to just being colleagues as office romances are a bad idea.

What if I have the wrong impression though? I don't think I have, but how do I say it when it's never been discussed?

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Bladderpool · 07/10/2025 17:02

I had this a couple of times back in the day. Nothing worked apart from “I only like you as a friend and have no interest in you romantically whatsoever and I never, ever will be”.

I tried to be less blunt but it didn’t work.

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 07/10/2025 17:05

Sanfrancoco · 07/10/2025 17:02

What if I have the wrong impression though? I don't think I have, but how do I say it when it's never been discussed?

The problem is caused by dropping hints so you'll just have to be blatant about it.

Its 1 slightly uncomfortable message vs weeks and weeks of hinting and disecting what he says and means and trying to put him off you.

Fushoutofwata · 07/10/2025 17:12

I’d just continue being more and more distant. Nothings happened or been said so if you say anything it could backfire.

when he messages you respond and include others in chat so it’s a team thing not one to one. If he actually propositions you then you can say workplace relationships not a good idea and frowned upon by management. If you’re seeing someone say but I’d be wary as you might get caught out or find he’s waiting for you when you say you’ve split up. Just act cool and professional friendly and never drink on works outing if he is present.

DiscoBob · 07/10/2025 17:15

Just take longer and longer to reply and give shorter and shorter answers. You needn't explicitly tell him you no longer fancy him. He'll get it eventually. Hardly any contact and zero flirting over several weeks and he'll move on I'm sure.

Hatty65 · 07/10/2025 17:15

"I'm finding you very full on for someone who is just a colleague, Tony. I was happy to be friendly, but you are a bit overkeen to contact me. Let's just dial it back a bit."

Arlanymor · 07/10/2025 17:24

The problem with hoping people take the hint is that you have no idea what level of 'hint' will get through to them, also from one perspective it could look a bit as if you are breadcrumbing him, even if that is not your intention.

Honesty is the best policy - I think you just need to be clear about not being interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with him. Even if you have the wrong impression (unlikely if there has been mutual flirting) then he's not going to be upset is he? Though it's more likely that he had hoped it would lead to something more, so there will be a week or two of him licking his wounds, but everyone will be clear on the fact that you are purely colleagues and nothing more.

fatphalange · 07/10/2025 18:14

Communicate.

ThreePears · 07/10/2025 18:17

Start making comments in the office about your 'new boyfriend' (invent one). Hopefully he will hear about it on the grapevine, and back off.

Sandy483 · 07/10/2025 18:23

I wouldn't be blatant as it hasn't gone anywhere to start with. You could friendzone him if you don't want to slow fade. Start calling him mate, tell him you appreciate his friendship, that sort of thing. If he doesn't get it then tell him you're going on a date and ask if he has any advice.

Not sure why you've gone so hot and cold though?

Sanfrancoco · 07/10/2025 18:31

Appreciate the responses thanks guys. I know honesty is usually the best policy but as others have pointed out, we haven't discussed feelings so I could be wrong in thinking he likes me (I don't think I am - do you guys think he likes me based on my first post) so I feel like it would be weird if I just suddenly say let's just be friends etc cause that's exactly what we are now, but also you know when somebody fancies you. I'm loving the 'invent a bf/date' as it seems like the easiest way to get him to back off a bit without maybe hurting his feelings/making it awkward and realistically I could be dating for all he knows (I think I feel a bit bad because my ick reasons are a little mean and he is a nice guy)

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Sanfrancoco · 07/10/2025 18:42

Sandy483 · 07/10/2025 18:23

I wouldn't be blatant as it hasn't gone anywhere to start with. You could friendzone him if you don't want to slow fade. Start calling him mate, tell him you appreciate his friendship, that sort of thing. If he doesn't get it then tell him you're going on a date and ask if he has any advice.

Not sure why you've gone so hot and cold though?

Edited

It was when we started texting - the conversation is soooo dryyyyy. It was dry at work tbh but I put it down to being at work of course but outside of work it's even drier. He asks me the exact same questions every day, basically feels like I'm having the same conversation 100 times! I know it's a bit unreasonable but it's put me right off. I'm very talkative and could honestly make conversation with a tree but he is really dry, I don't know how else to explain it. He says he gets shy because he finds me so attractive and I tried to reassure him and be patient but it's still dry, no way I could put up with that forever lol. He also moans about the exact same thing every single day - being tired. And moans at me if I'm awake past 9pm as thinks I should be in bed at 9!! I am 31, he is 33/34!! He also responds to my stories of food/events with 'where's my plate/invite?' EVERY SINGLE TIME!! I went away last week and it was 'having fun without me?' Ewwwww, I just can't do it although I know it could definitely be worse. Ultimately I don't think we are compatible. If we didn't work together, I'd probably still go on a date and see where it goes but as we work together I don't think it's worth it cause eventually I'm going to have to tell him exactly what I have wrote here and he is a nice guy just drier than the sahara desert

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RaininSummer · 07/10/2025 18:49

Just mention a new boyfriend to him. Something like, I'm so tired as it was a late night last night. He says oh what did you do. You say, stayed over at new chap's place.

RealPerson · 07/10/2025 18:59

Maybe it's dry because you're just texting ? And not talking in real life

Jellycatspyjamas · 07/10/2025 19:02

Well if he’s commented that he finds you attractive he’s clearly interested, you really don’t need the does he/doesn’t he dance. You can just tell him you’re not looking for a relationship just now and let things lie.

momtoboys · 07/10/2025 19:04

Am I the only one who wants to know what caused the "ick"?

Sanfrancoco · 07/10/2025 19:07

RealPerson · 07/10/2025 18:59

Maybe it's dry because you're just texting ? And not talking in real life

I text a lot of people and the conversation always flows because our talkative personalities are conveyed through text too. It IS dry! Bearing in mind we voicenote too and they are dry aswell. He barely speaks to me in person because he said my 'attractiveness makes him shy and he doesn't know what to say or how to focus'. Another ick, we will be sat next to each other in the office but he won't speak but will message me on teams and when I turn around to respond in person (because why are you messaging me when I'm right here??) he gets noticeably shy, it's almost like a little kid and it was cute and flattering at first but I'm over it now. The dry texts are preventing me from wanting to pursue anything else

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pinkfluffybirds · 07/10/2025 19:07

I think, just say that you started seeing someone else. Maybe next time he says ‘where’s my invite?’, you drop in that your new partner was there also

Sanfrancoco · 07/10/2025 19:07

momtoboys · 07/10/2025 19:04

Am I the only one who wants to know what caused the "ick"?

I've explained

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Sanfrancoco · 07/10/2025 19:11

Jellycatspyjamas · 07/10/2025 19:02

Well if he’s commented that he finds you attractive he’s clearly interested, you really don’t need the does he/doesn’t he dance. You can just tell him you’re not looking for a relationship just now and let things lie.

I don't agree, there are plenty of people that I find attractive but do not fancy. Tbh I know he probably does fancy me but he's never said it, just complimented me a lot. I don't want to sound too heavy saying 'not looking for a relationship' when it wasn't necessarily going down that route iyswim

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Terrribletwos · 07/10/2025 19:13

Just politely drop in that you're seeing someone and move on. He does sound quite well meaning but boring tho. Let him down gently.

Sanfrancoco · 07/10/2025 19:16

Terrribletwos · 07/10/2025 19:13

Just politely drop in that you're seeing someone and move on. He does sound quite well meaning but boring tho. Let him down gently.

Yes I agree, well meaning but oh so boring! I'm going to do it tomorrow

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