Work 'romance' turned ick - what do I do?

[Sanfrancoco]

Need some advice. A new colleague started about a year ago, he is cute and I'll admit I fancied him - not a huge fancy, just a 'nice to look at' fancy. Didn't act on anything because we work together. We didn't speak much but fast forward a couple months, he began messaging me a lot on teams around Easter, nothing major just 'morning/how are you' etc, I thought it was a little weird because we didn't talk much in person but thought maybe he's just trying to make new friends (he was very introverted in his first few months and I kinda forgot about him tbh). Anyway, we end up adding each other on social media as I was going away in summer to a destination he's interested in and he wanted to see holiday pics (my suggestion to add me) which obviously increased the contact between us. By this point he is messaging me every day on teams and replying to most of what I post on socials so we're constantly talking and a bit of mutual flirting. I was actually starting to like this guy so when he asked if he could take my number out the group chat and message me I said yes. We we're texting for a couple of weeks but I then developed major ick and decided there is nothing to pursue so started being a little distant/short responses hoping he'd pick up on the vibe and stop messaging me. Sadly he hasn't and is still messaging me via teams/text almost every day. Today he said he checks my teams status every day to see when I'm online and always asks when I'm in the office (a certain song comes to mind lol). Any advice? I don't want to involve management and I don't think he would stalk me in real life or anything. I don't know whether I should say anything because nothing really started or happened between us but I suspect he still thinks there's a chance and there isn't but I don't know whether to say anything or just continue being a bit distant and hope that he eventually gets the hint??

I had this a while ago with a guy I worked with, he was messaging me every day and always just asking 'are you ok?' I mean it's not very original is it. It was exhausting being asked this at least twice a day. I didn't reply to him for a day and he sent about half a dozen messages just rambling stuff and one voice note. I ended up just saying sorry I'm not comfortable with this level of contact, I don't need it and it's not for me. Pleas stop.

He did and apologised, he's not messaged me since at all but we still chat at work and get on ok.

Just be blunt OP, you dont have to have read his interest right or wrong, the level of contact is making you uncomfortable so you just need to say so.

You both sound 16. Shocked when you said your were in your 30’s! You need to set the boundaries here because it does seem you initially started the whole thing with asking him to follow you on socials

Yes! Are you sure it's not the same guy? 🤣🤣🤣🤣 no originality at allll! And if I don't respond quick enough, it's 'hellooo' or 'are you there?' even when I was on holiday! I love how you worded that 'not comfortable with this level contact' I might use that instead of the fake bf story, thank you.

It was so odd, and he was also not overly talkative when actually face to face. I have no idea if he was interested romantically or just wanted to be mates, but either way it was too much for me. No need to make anything up, you don't owe him anything. You don't have to be mean, just firm

Good luck 😊

Well I am young at heart so I will take it as a compliment though I suspect you didn't mean it like that. He is obviously old at heart which is fine, just not for me. I have loads of colleagues on my socials, it's an open account as I post food/travel content, nothing exclusive about being invited in, I actually did this to avoid showing him my pics on phone as initially he said take lots of pics to show me but that's a bit much imo when you hardly know the person and some of the pics e.g. bikini ones are not what I would post but didn't want to faff about making a separate folder, just made more sense to check out my socials as I'd be posting a lot of the tourist pics there. Also if you check my first post, you can see clearly who started it, I already told you I damn near forgot the man existed until he started messaging me around Easter.

I had something like this too but with the addition of boxes of chocolates and messages left on my desk on a regular basis. The only thing that worked was a blunt conversation with him stating that I was totally not interested. Hints and saying I was going on dates with other people just didn’t work. In my opinion men need to be told exactly how you feel about the situation. Hinting and silent treatment doesn’t hit the spot.

Thank you for understanding, honestly you get it. I have no idea too (a good guess yes, but it has not been expressly communicated) which is why I don't want to say 'lets be friends/not looking for relationship' etc because I really have no idea!! Thank you for the advice though

He's told you he finds it hard to talk to you because he finds you so attractive. How are you not getting that message? Of course he's interested in you. You're going to have to bite the bullet. Dry texts are the worst.

I think that: "He says he gets shy because he finds me so attractive" - is fairly obvious. If you don't fancy someone then you don't tend to comment on whether their looks are objectively attractive and it certainly wouldn't be a reason to be shy around them. He has told you as much as he can while being shy. Which is why being direct yourself is actually kinder.

Fake bf is a bit harsh, because he's getting knocked back by his crush, and has to deal with the idea that you're with someone else too.

Message him saying “OMG ur msgs r totes dry bruv can’t even lol totally got the ick LMFAO”. That should do it.

“… drier than the sahara desert“! 😂

Deffo getting the message but he hasn't indicated he wants to actually date me etc so I don't know where it's heading (nowhere now lol). Kinda judging by my own standards I guess, if I was constantly telling somebody how attractive I find them, I'd probably throw a date suggestion out there too to progress things otherwise what's the point repeatedly telling them they're attractive? I find that a bit weird tbh

I differ from others, I think he sounds really strange. You’ve been texting/ voice noting for ages but when you try and speak to him in person he can’t because ‘he finds you too attractive’? And he’s actually told you that?

He sounds stalker like too. Commenting on every post of yours and contacting when you’re on holiday? Not normal behaviour.

I’d be very clear with this guy before it gets worse.

Ps being ‘dry’ isn’t an age thing thank you.

Potentially but I don't type or speak like that so he would probably assume I've been hacked.

No need to say more than what it is right now. Tell him: It looks like we have got a bit too close talking every day, I thought about it and feel it would be more appropriate to get back to being professional and communicate as colleagues via teams.

Like fuck he told me out of his own mouth, via teams of course 🙄 🤣 I do find it strange too which is where my disinterest stems from. Sweet guy but strange - he is not born and raised here though so initially I put it down to cultural differences maybe? But now it's just weird and boring. The holiday thing was the final straw, first 3 days 'morning, how are you? having fun?' Who persistently messages someone on holiday???

And sorry if your older and I offended you with that comment, I know it's not always the case, my work bestie is 50 and we have a right laugh together

Well I’d keep that teams message as ‘evidence’ if needed for future. That’s sackable and borderline harassment.

I think you should go for a coffee or drink and see if he "loosens" up a bit, he could be totally different out of work. He could be the one!! 😬

I don't want to involve management

It wouldn't be a management issue anyway, you have to do the next part yourself.

I'm sorry, but in what kind of work environment do blokes tell women they find them so attractive they can't speak to them. No man I work with would dare say that to another women - they'd be so scared about HR! This sounds like a university-age scenario - I don't believe you're in your 30s!

Just say you have starting seeing someone you met online. End of story.

Tell him you’ve started dating someone

Next time he messages you, say sorry I'm busy (the very last message you ever send him). When he keeps messaging you, you're not responding because you're busy, bar vital work based stuff, just be busy for the next decade or 2.

I don't understand why you would even involve management. You haven't told him you don't want him contacting you. So he hasn't done anything wrong. Be honest but nice.