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Work 'romance' turned ick - what do I do?

81 replies

Sanfrancoco · 07/10/2025 16:54

Need some advice. A new colleague started about a year ago, he is cute and I'll admit I fancied him - not a huge fancy, just a 'nice to look at' fancy. Didn't act on anything because we work together. We didn't speak much but fast forward a couple months, he began messaging me a lot on teams around Easter, nothing major just 'morning/how are you' etc, I thought it was a little weird because we didn't talk much in person but thought maybe he's just trying to make new friends (he was very introverted in his first few months and I kinda forgot about him tbh). Anyway, we end up adding each other on social media as I was going away in summer to a destination he's interested in and he wanted to see holiday pics (my suggestion to add me) which obviously increased the contact between us. By this point he is messaging me every day on teams and replying to most of what I post on socials so we're constantly talking and a bit of mutual flirting. I was actually starting to like this guy so when he asked if he could take my number out the group chat and message me I said yes. We we're texting for a couple of weeks but I then developed major ick and decided there is nothing to pursue so started being a little distant/short responses hoping he'd pick up on the vibe and stop messaging me. Sadly he hasn't and is still messaging me via teams/text almost every day. Today he said he checks my teams status every day to see when I'm online and always asks when I'm in the office (a certain song comes to mind lol). Any advice? I don't want to involve management and I don't think he would stalk me in real life or anything. I don't know whether I should say anything because nothing really started or happened between us but I suspect he still thinks there's a chance and there isn't but I don't know whether to say anything or just continue being a bit distant and hope that he eventually gets the hint??

OP posts:
Sanfrancoco · 09/10/2025 19:56

Whichhandbag · 09/10/2025 19:32

I'm sorry, but in what kind of work environment do blokes tell women they find them so attractive they can't speak to them. No man I work with would dare say that to another women - they'd be so scared about HR! This sounds like a university-age scenario - I don't believe you're in your 30s!

Damn, tell that to my bills and my DC who is 10 😂 I'm definitely the age I said I was, why the hell would I lie about that lol

OP posts:
Whichhandbag · 09/10/2025 20:04

I wasn't saying you were lying, just that you seemed v immature!

Maybe both your work and your DC would appreciate you getting off your phone and constantly messaging people?!

Sanfrancoco · 09/10/2025 20:05

Tiredmuchly43 · 09/10/2025 18:49

I think you should go for a coffee or drink and see if he "loosens" up a bit, he could be totally different out of work. He could be the one!! 😬

Edited

I did think that, but we first started talking (non work) in April and it's now October. Bar me being a bit distant the last couple of weeks, there has been no progress and the conversation is so dry, plus in person he is always just blushing and smiling at me not really saying much then messaging me on teams - atp im over it completely lol

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Sanfrancoco · 09/10/2025 20:06

Whichhandbag · 09/10/2025 20:04

I wasn't saying you were lying, just that you seemed v immature!

Maybe both your work and your DC would appreciate you getting off your phone and constantly messaging people?!

Maybe yours might too 😂😂

OP posts:
BigBirdOfPrey · 09/10/2025 20:08

How about you tell the man x

Spinmerightroundbaby · 09/10/2025 20:26

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 07/10/2025 16:58

You're just going to have to tell him you're not interested.

No point hinting and then getting annoyed because he didn't pick up on it.

I would tell him that you would like to go back to just being colleagues as office romances are a bad idea.

This. You admit you were interested at first and you’re still encouraging him in a way.

whatcanthematterbe81 · 09/10/2025 20:30

Sanfrancoco · 07/10/2025 18:42

It was when we started texting - the conversation is soooo dryyyyy. It was dry at work tbh but I put it down to being at work of course but outside of work it's even drier. He asks me the exact same questions every day, basically feels like I'm having the same conversation 100 times! I know it's a bit unreasonable but it's put me right off. I'm very talkative and could honestly make conversation with a tree but he is really dry, I don't know how else to explain it. He says he gets shy because he finds me so attractive and I tried to reassure him and be patient but it's still dry, no way I could put up with that forever lol. He also moans about the exact same thing every single day - being tired. And moans at me if I'm awake past 9pm as thinks I should be in bed at 9!! I am 31, he is 33/34!! He also responds to my stories of food/events with 'where's my plate/invite?' EVERY SINGLE TIME!! I went away last week and it was 'having fun without me?' Ewwwww, I just can't do it although I know it could definitely be worse. Ultimately I don't think we are compatible. If we didn't work together, I'd probably still go on a date and see where it goes but as we work together I don't think it's worth it cause eventually I'm going to have to tell him exactly what I have wrote here and he is a nice guy just drier than the sahara desert

You are soooo within your rights to have the ick here by the way

RiseOfTheTeenyTinies · 09/10/2025 20:35

I agree with others that say just dial back your responses, you don’t want to make it awkward at work or anything so just gradually put some distance between you both.

Respond less, take longer to reply, give shorter answers.

Toofficeornot · 09/10/2025 20:41

It seems the best solution is to make up a boyfriend. When he next asks you what youbare doing tonight or what you did last night, say you went out for dinner with Jake, hes a guy you dated ages ago but youve just decided to make a go of it again as he moved back to your area. So its not a new person so he doesnt think its a casual date and he still has a chance. Stay off socials for a couple of months, if he asks you why you arent posting then say youve been too busy with 'jake'. Jake doesn't do social media. He works in cybersecurity and doesnt like sharing his data. Jake is also into body building and drives a Porche.

MidnightMusing5 · 09/10/2025 20:47

Why would you tell management? He’s not a mind reader? Tell him straight and if he won’t back off then that’s different.

Laura95167 · 09/10/2025 21:03

Hes not the problem, hes been patient and respectful and dropped him how keen he is. If you aren't you dont need to tell management you need to tell him

Goldwren1923 · 09/10/2025 23:47

Just start dropping mentions that you’ve met someone else, and emphasize that this guy is just a friend, basically friend zone him very clearly.

gottamoveon · 10/10/2025 04:43

I would simply say ‘I don’t date anyone I work with’ at a suitable point, sooner rather than later. Or something about ‘Relationships at work are not a good idea’. Then stop responding to the messages or say ‘Let’s keep this professional; got too much on today’

I know someone who used this line recently and it shut it down.

Lurkingandlearning · 10/10/2025 06:20

He says he gets shy because he finds me so attractive

What is that if not talking about feelings. He literally told you he fancies you.

Just message him and say you’ve enjoyed getting to know him but now realise that you would prefer a strictly professional relationship how it was before. You’ll have a record of it in case he becomes a pest. Then just don’t respond to anything that isn’t specifically work related

NotThisBollocksAgain · 10/10/2025 06:25

In bed by 9pm, always tired......if only I was 10 years younger he would be my ideal guy! 🤣
Do let him down gently, if he's been messaging you so often he either hasn't got much going on (or he's the best player ever and pulled the wool over everyone's eyes!)

Catwoman8 · 10/10/2025 06:44

It's clear as day he has a massive crush on you.

Just say something to him. Better to be honest imo, tell him the constant messages are too much and your aren't comfortable with this level of contact. Hopefully he will back off.

verybighouseinthecountry · 10/10/2025 07:17

OP this man very obviously likes you and majorly lacks social skills/awareness, if he can't even speak to you in person without blushing and getting flustered then he clearly is not capable of reading your non direct cues. You really need to make it crystal clear that you are not interested in a relationship and don't like the amount of messaging that is currently going on. Just text something like "sorry that I'm usually very late in responding, I really want to keep work/family life separate so don't respond to colleagues immediately. I'm so busy at home and don't have time for chatting!" or something light but giving a clear message he is a colleague.

Toooldtocare25 · 10/10/2025 10:44

He’s needy is the word. Massive ick and if he’s like that when you are not together imagine what he’d be like when your his own little squeezy bunny 😳. I went out with someone like it once it lasted a week. He then a few years later got sacked for stalking someone else! Trust the ick !

shuffleofftobuffalo · 10/10/2025 15:06

I wouldn’t pretend you have a new boyfriend. He won’t just go oh well! And give up. I’ve had this sort of thing at work before - he will most likely have constructed a fantasy in his head in which you are already dating and therefore take it as a either a break up or a challenge.

he clearly lacks self awareness - would anyone find it cute and attractive that someone else checks their teams status to monitor when they’re online or not?

I would distance yourself as much as possible - stop responding to chatty messages and just stick to responding to work related. Reply in your own time. Don’t keep up the out of work chat.

I actually have had two similar situations recently - evidently I have struck my new company by lightning and inspired all this obsessive attention 😂 one of them I manage and started behaving very inappropriately in terms of insinuating there was something intimate about all out interactions and telling people how much I like them. For that one I just went very formal in my interactions with them, which is not my usual management style - reacted like I’d broken up with them. The other one I actually really do like (platonic) and we get on very well, but the level and intensity of attention was overwhelming to start with. He is generally very excited about my existence and boy did we all know about it! We’ve managed to get into a comfortable place though through a bit of trial and error, and I did have to say more than once that at x event I had lots of people to see so I can’t spend all my time with you and things like that.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 10/10/2025 18:50

Tell him you are not interested is the decent thing to do

If he has problem with this, tell him that you have started to see someone else who were knew from years back. Who you really loved

I know this is lying but you need closure on this man asap.

AdultHumanFemaleOne · 11/10/2025 18:53

You are going to have to be firm and clear. Mak it clear there is no romance between you and you want him to stop checking on your Status eyc. but be prepared for a backlash. And if there is one, straight to HR

Bluddyellfire · 11/10/2025 19:36

I'd be careful using work comms channels like Teams for personal conversations. I've known people get in a lot of trouble over it.

CalzoneOnLegs · 11/10/2025 19:41

i feel sorry for him actually

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 11/10/2025 19:43

Walk away from it and learn from it. This is why office romances are forbidden. Things can turn ugly very quickly.

CreamBeforeJamOnScones · 11/10/2025 20:58

Aw, Rajesh Koothrapali from Big Bang Theory vibes.