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Original poster

Friends not responding after we missed their party

117 replies

ingkle · 06/10/2025 15:30

Some friends of ours were having a birthday party at their house. It wasn't a meal. Just drinks and nibbles. They live around 40 minutes from our place and it was on a Friday night.

I was working late but clocked off around 8pm. DH wasn't really in the mood to go. So I text to say I was working still at 8:30pm and wasn't sure if we would make it.

We didn't go. I text the next day to apologies and dh messaged my friend/s dh/his friend to say sorry. No reply either. I do feel guilty but we were tired. I think the friends will feel put out because they always make sure to come to our place for parties etc.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 06/10/2025 16:21

What's your question or point?

Chewbecca · 06/10/2025 16:22

What's your question or point? Or is it just a confession?

Untailored · 06/10/2025 16:24

What’s your actual question OP?

Carriemac · 06/10/2025 16:24

That was thoughtless, self-centred and rude.

Chrunchienuts · 06/10/2025 16:26

You let them down at short notice. I do get that you were tired but if they are close friends and you had said you were going, you should have gone.

teawamutu · 06/10/2025 16:26

Goditsmemargaret · 06/10/2025 16:14

Yes I remember having an afternoon party organised once in my new place. I scrubbed the place, bought loads of food and made cocktails for us all to enjoy on the roof garden in the sun. Fifteen had confirmed and four showed. A few showed up four hours late with no apology. Like you, it made me feel like absolute crap.

What a horrible way to treat your 'friends'.

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This is why I don't have birthday parties - a morbid fear of something like this. I feel like a social failure every single year but can't make myself try. And I have lovely friends.

Unlike OP. Dick move, mate.

BunnyLake · 06/10/2025 16:26

So what are you going to do with the birthday present you bought?

Chesticles · 06/10/2025 16:27

I also very rarely host anything, or to be honest, even organise anything anymore as I have had too many people flake at the last minute, and the whole thing has been a flop. Its so hurtful. I think its probably the final straw, and these people are no longer wanting to be friends with you.

Windsweep33 · 06/10/2025 16:29

@ingkle I don't think they'll be making an effort for you again. I wouldn't.

StrawberrySquash · 06/10/2025 16:29

I was working late but clocked off around 8pm. DH wasn't really in the mood to go. So I text to say I was working still at 8:30pm and wasn't sure if we would make it.

So you lied because you couldn't be bothered either? Flakey. I was tired on Saturday night but I pulled myself together and has a fun night. Unless there's a genuine reason like still stuck at work and can't get away, you go. People put work in for that party.

Also texting that late with an ambiguous message like that is also compounding things. If you genuinely can't go, you send a proper apology. Not some sort of 'we can't be bothered to actually say we aren't coming because that makes us feel awkward, but we aren't coming' message.

Enoughberries · 06/10/2025 16:29

The op has shuffled off it would seem

Notonthestairs · 06/10/2025 16:29

On the off chance this isn’t a reverse and you really are that unaware…

It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t a meal!
They were celebrating their birthday and invited you. Presumably you RSVPed yes.
You didn’t even cancel - just sent a weak ‘might not make it’ when you had no intention of going!

MoominMai · 06/10/2025 16:30

I was working late but clocked off around 8pm. DH wasn't really in the mood to go. So I text to say I was working still at 8:30pm and wasn't sure if we would make it.
We didn't go. I text the next day to apologies and dh messaged my friend/s dh/his friend to say sorry.

You seem to have done this backwards, if you didn’t want to go you should have at least just had the courage to give a definite ‘sorry won’t be coming’ instead of a non comittal flaky ‘not sure if we’re coming’. You likely gave false hope especially if they had a low turnout already not to mention wasted snacks/drinks prep. You also said they always make the effort to attend your parties and so of course they’ll be hurt.

There’s no AIBU poll attached just a statement sort of outing yourself/DH as bad couples friends. As other PP said not sure point of you posting but n my mind YABU.

LEWWW · 06/10/2025 16:31

I mean that is pretty flakey behaviour…

My best friend did this except it was my wedding, with a shitty excuse, never spoke to her again…

DrowningInSyrup · 06/10/2025 16:32

ingkle · 06/10/2025 15:30

Some friends of ours were having a birthday party at their house. It wasn't a meal. Just drinks and nibbles. They live around 40 minutes from our place and it was on a Friday night.

I was working late but clocked off around 8pm. DH wasn't really in the mood to go. So I text to say I was working still at 8:30pm and wasn't sure if we would make it.

We didn't go. I text the next day to apologies and dh messaged my friend/s dh/his friend to say sorry. No reply either. I do feel guilty but we were tired. I think the friends will feel put out because they always make sure to come to our place for parties etc.

Yes, we were very annoyed you didn't attend. It was only a small do, so we really noticed your absence. To text after it had started with an obvious lie was completely uncalled for. We're not as close as I once thought!

Cardinalita90 · 06/10/2025 16:32

That was crappy of you both. If it's someone's birthday you suck it up and go - it what friends do.

EssaDiTractor96 · 06/10/2025 16:32

Think you genuinely got off lightly that they just didn't respond. They may well be calming down a bit. I say this as a frequent party organizer who has over the years culled flakey friends (and who keeps her commitments come hell or high water).

AlwaysHopefull89 · 06/10/2025 16:32

Yeah I’d be annoyed.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 06/10/2025 16:32

DrowningInSyrup · 06/10/2025 16:32

Yes, we were very annoyed you didn't attend. It was only a small do, so we really noticed your absence. To text after it had started with an obvious lie was completely uncalled for. We're not as close as I once thought!

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🍿

Hohumdedum · 06/10/2025 16:34

So flakey. You might as well have texted "I don't care about you or your birthday".

C152 · 06/10/2025 16:34

That's a pathetic excuse for missing a birthday celebration. And you didn't even cancel. You said you "might" not be able to make it. You then texted after the event. I'd be hurt if a friend missed my birthday celebration (don't denigrate it by saying it's "only" drinks and snacks at home) just because they couldn't be arsed. I'd be even more hurt the friend didn't even bother telling me they weren't coming. Are you really that surprised they haven't answered? What could they say? 'You were really rude and upset us?"

cariadlet · 06/10/2025 16:36

I hope the experiences that others have shared of last minute drop outs have made you realise just how rude and hurtful your behaviour was.

You should have either declined the invitation in the first place or made the effort to go. CBA is not a valid excuse from an adult. It's not how friends treat each other.

arcticpandas · 06/10/2025 16:36

I am tired in the evenings so I regularly turn things down. If I say yes though, I definitely show up. How rude and disrespectful to cancel when the party had alteady started. You could have made the effort and stayed for a little while atleast.

PollyannaGladGame · 06/10/2025 16:37

You’re out of order OP. I am really lucky in that close friends and family are always reliable but over the years I have binned people off who always flake out because I find it terrible.

it’s rude AF. It doesn’t take too much to make an effort and highly unlikely you’d have regretted going. After all, Nobody ever remembers the nights they went to bed early!

You’ll be sorry you couldn’t be arsed and prefered a night on the sofa when you’re lonely. I would make a huge apology and try to out this right if you want to rescue the friendship.

beAsensible1 · 06/10/2025 16:37

I think cancelling attending a mates birthday because you cba is pretty shitty.

have a coffee and suck it up. Most people are knackered after work but usually when you get there it’s fun and if not make an effort for an hour then leave. Very poor form

and if it’s your friend and DH drops out you still go.

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