Friends not responding after we missed their party

[ingkle]

Some friends of ours were having a birthday party at their house. It wasn't a meal. Just drinks and nibbles. They live around 40 minutes from our place and it was on a Friday night.

I was working late but clocked off around 8pm. DH wasn't really in the mood to go. So I text to say I was working still at 8:30pm and wasn't sure if we would make it.

We didn't go. I text the next day to apologies and dh messaged my friend/s dh/his friend to say sorry. No reply either. I do feel guilty but we were tired. I think the friends will feel put out because they always make sure to come to our place for parties etc.

I was in your friends position once. Had invited about 20-30 people over for drinks/nibbles and one by one they cancelled on the day/evening until there were only 3 of us. It was still a nice evening but I’d made nibbles etc (including taking into account multiple dietary restrictions) and if I’d have known it would just be a small group I’d probably have done a dinner (and not had to come up with vegetarian/coeliac/dairy free options) or suggested a takeaway. Made me feel pretty crappy to be honest.

I’ve not really bothered to host a party since (ironically a couple of people who texted a last minute excuse have since asked if I’m doing a Christmas party since then and seemed surprised when I said I probably wouldn’t as I wasn’t sure if people wanted to come).

You knew where their house was when you accepted the invite and that you were working late so likely to be tired. It would have been kinder not to accept the invitation in the first place.

God, I am so over this and I guess your friends are too. People are making efforts to restart social life and keep it going after COVID. And people like this are so immature, it's just no manners.

And fact that it was Friday night and they lived 40 mins seemed to come as a surprise to this op

although I’m thinking reverse
if not
thoughtless rude op who will no doubt start a thread in the future asking mumsnet for sympathy because she has no friends

My god. DH and I went to a casual party in a bar the oher week. It was a private space in a bar for a 50th. I was working late and we landed up being an hour late for a party that was definitely quite casual in terms of starting and catering.... and we were MORTIFIED.

To just not turn up to a party at home, that is probably catered, where numbers have been planned and considered, with no notice and becuase your'e a bit "tired" is so rude.

I would definitely consider you someone I'd perhaps want to start distancing myself from.

At 8.30pm with a 40 minute drive you wouldnt get there till gone 9pm. I dont blame you.

You flaked and they are pissed off. What would you like us to say? You're free not to go to any social event you choose but there are consequences for the relationships involved.

Now that I'm in my late 40s I would straight out ditch you instead of just keeping quiet while being upset as I did in my younger years.

What if all the guests behaved as you did and they had a total no-show? How upsetting for them. And you've been very very clear that you're not bothered about seeing them... So why should they be bothered about you?

OP finished work at 8, she just texted at 8.30 pretending she was still working

Detail the op would have known at the time of accepting the invite

It was on you to leave work earlier. I guess you were hoping they’d reply and say ‘don't worry!’ To make you feel ok about it?

I think it’s really immature when people fail to take accountability for themselves. Just own your choices. If you don’t want to go then say it - and be prepared to own it. Or fulfil your promise to a friend if you actually value the friendship.

Rude and you are not a good friend.

If the other guests behaved as you did... the birthday party will have been really miserable. 😮 I hope other people did go along...

If you didn't want to go - you should have said so much earlier.
(Being tired on a Friday is predictable- not an emergency.)

You are a flaky-friend. Losing that reputation will be a challenge.

And this wasn't just a party - it was someone's birthday celebration, so you are also basically indicating that you're indifferent to someone's birthday. Were you going to take a present or a card?

Just say no from the start, don't say yes then flake

Yes I remember having an afternoon party organised once in my new place. I scrubbed the place, bought loads of food and made cocktails for us all to enjoy on the roof garden in the sun. Fifteen had confirmed and four showed. A few showed up four hours late with no apology. Like you, it made me feel like absolute crap.

What a horrible way to treat your 'friends'.

I no longer throw parties or even go out for my birthday anymore. Even big ones. I spend it with my husband only. Everyone said “you just HAVE to do something on your 40th!! You can’t not have a party/night out!!”. These are the same people who almost ALL didn’t turn up to my 30th. I had 25 people coming for my 30th. One by one they dropped out on the day until there was only 7 of us. I have no idea how many were real and how many were lies. Sick. Sick child. Work suddenly changed. Washing machine leaking. Car broke down. Trains cancelled. So many excuses. I will never ever do a party again. And I rarely go to others either unless I really want to. (I don’t say yes to start with though. It’s an immediate no)

In situations like this, you complain to your partner how tired you are and can do without it, get ready, drag yourself out, still complaining if you like, plaster a smile on your face, turn up and surprisingly, have a great evening.
This is how it usually goes.

Why hadn't you arranged to finish work earlier? Assuming it wasn't a fixed shift that you knew about when accepting the invitation or at least some time in advance. Doesn't sound like that from your OP.

I agree with others, they are not replying because they are so pissed off they might say something they'd regret. Either that or they are reconsidering the friendship completely. Either way I don't think they'll be inviting you again any time soon.

I call reverse.

I think the friends will feel put out because they always make sure to come to our place for parties etc.

Decent People with the self awareness to notice that your friends make this level of effort ... reciprocate if they want to maintain the friendship.... they dont behave with way the OP describes. What OP did showed a huge lack of consideration and respect.
Very honestly.... not turning up with late notice and a lame apology (words are cheap) kinda deserves the cold shoulder.

I had a 50th it was fab and a good party but I found it very stressful and admit have made a mental note of the last minute flakers. And the ones that turned up in full throttle party mode and helped make it a great night. Those people I now realise are my proper friends and I have adjusted my affections and efforts accordingly.

The examples above show that it is really miserable when people let you down so late on an important occasion.

If you care about this friendship at all, you should do something to show it. Perhaps invite them out to a really special meal somewhere 'to make up for missing your birthday and to apologise'. Choose a place thoughtfully - show that this friendship does matter.

They might well refuse though. The world is full of flaky people and you do need to have time to spend on good friends.

Didn't even say they wouldn't make it at 8pm, just they might not make it then nothing.

I'm not really sure what OP wants, her friends to fawn over her and her husband to say it was ok? Does a snivelling text the night after failing to attend an event you said you would even warrant a reply?

I'm sorry you had this happen to you. DH has friends who I genuinely like, but I've never really truly "clicked" with, and I think this is partly why - too many events where we've hosted or someone else has hosted and they've treated it as optional. Most recently, they pulled out of a big event at the last minute because they were "stressed". I believe them. they're not making it up. But it speaks to a basic level of selfishness that I can't quite get past.

What is (almost) amusing is that long before the friend met his wife, he was so flakey and unreliable and I can't help thinking he picked the right women! Back in the days of regular dinner parties, if we planned an evening with this particular friend I always did food that was forgiving - slow cooked meat - and planned as if he wouldn't be there becuase he was always always always late. He didn't come to our wedding, with short notice, for an equally ridiculous reason.

So you texted a lie after the party had started?