DH and I have become incompatible as sleeping partners but no spare room, what can we do?

[MybosswasMrMcGee]

I say 'we' but in reality I am having the issues with sleep, dh will mostly say he has a great night's sleep.

We have slept in the same bed for the last 26 years but during the last few years and especially this year I am struggling more and more.

I wake up exhausted, achy and headachy and for several reasons. One reason is that we could really do with a new mattress but can not afford that atm and dh says he feels fine laying on it so maybe it isn't the mattress?

I have been deep in perimenopause for the last 6 years and have recently found that I am having more and more 'hot' episodes during the night, it wakes me and I am doing the classic leg in leg out thing and flapping covers on/off (this summer's heatwaves where a nightmare for me). I also dream heavily which wakes me and I will lay there with a million thoughts running through my head, (I have quite a lot of stress in my life atm), I feel achy and uncomfortable and want to spread myself out for comfortable and toss and turn but can't do this as dh is laying next to me and I don't want to wake him. I will often wake around 3am and lay there for an hour or so before I fall back to sleep and then dh's alarm will go off a 5am which wakes me again and will take a while before I drop back off and then have to get up at 6.45. DH has also recently started waking in the night for a wee so by the time he has stomped off across the bedroom and opened the seemingly very loud door and then stomped back again I am often wide awake yet he drops back off in seconds.

I am dreading the winter as dh often works nights during this time and will come home at 2am or goes out to work at 2am which disturbs me even more.

I now wake up every morning and feel as though I have slept on a cobbled street.

I am not sure what do. I can't take HRT. I exercise, I consume no caffeine or alcohol. I stretch and do yoga before bed. I listen to the Calm app sleep stories every night (which does really help me drop off). I have even resorted to using one of those acupressure mats but I still have these annoyingly broken nights.

I'm sure my own bed and my own room would ensure me a better nights sleep every night. I can only but hope I win the lottery soon and can purchase a lovely spare room just for me.

Is there anything else I can do? Any tips for a deeper nights sleep?

Silentnight restore cooling throw is amazing, much better than a fan in my opinion as the noise drives me mad! Great for hot flushes and you can turn it over if it cools you down too much and its like a normal blanket.

What about getting a bigger bed?

Get a couple of cheap single duvets - summer weight for you and winter weight for DH. Put them on your bed instead of a double duvet - Scandinavian style.

Can you really not afford a new mattress? IKEA have some really good ones at very reasonable prices. Valevag gets great reviews and is only £219 for a double. I bought these for adult DC's beds and they say the mattresses are really comfortable.

It would be worth having budget food, not going out for a couple of months, selling stuff on Ebay to save the money for that mattress. It's achievable at that price.

DH takes magnesium. I've tried different types of magnesium but they all upset my IBS sadly.

Twin beds. Twin mattresses on the floor if you can't afford beds though loads of charity shops have them. This won't get better

Can we get melatonin easily in the UK? I know it's ready to get in the US but thought you needed a prescription here?

Buy from piping rock online

I do suffer from chronic health issues and am currently looking at the possibility I may have EDS and B12 deficiency.

GP has been useless tbh.

Try sleeping top and tail, your head at the bottom, the mattress will be better and more space .

try the strong vitamin B complex supplements and magnesium

I took have ADHD and do find it so hard to turn down the volume in my brain. I've found the Calm app sleep stories help me to drop.off but if I wake through the night my brain switches onto activation mode within seconds.

I have tried magnesium but even the glycinate ones upset my IBS which is frustrating.

I have recently started some vagus nerve exercises in the hope they will help with my IBS. If they help me to sleep as well that with be a double bonus.

100% ear plugs are your friend. I am the world's lightest sleeper and can hear a flea fart in a neighboring city. I couldn't sleep a wink without them. Also a sleep mask.

Which earplugs do you use?

2 separate duvets

Ear plugs

Tell your husband not to stomp across the bedroom!

I hear you though, OP. Without being able to top up my lost sleep by sleeping in the spare room a few days a week, I'd get sectioned.

Do you get much daylight in the morning? It is surprisingly important for supporting sleep, ideally 20 min or so outside within 1 to 2 hours of waking up. I was cynical but it made a huge difference to my sleep.

Also I find nsdr really helpful and the physiological sigh in particular is great for boosting deep sleep and hrv. Try this podcast before bed, the first 5 mins takes you through the physiological sigh breathing exercise. It is good to fall asleep listening to.
open.spotify.com/episode/3bIFq6OTru4ZpMy9yj6qcW?si=uKQuYEHTQ5eJEsQsIr0UtQ

Just because the mattress is fine for DH it doesn't mean it is fine for you.

I sleep on the sofa every night because my DH disturbs my sleep during the night and early in the morning.

I start off in our bed alone, DH comes to bed an hour or two after me. Either when he comes to bed or some time after, I wake up/get woken up so I then go downstairs in my ready made sofa/bed (not an actual sofa bed).

Before DH comes to bed he "makes up my sleep set up":
-tucks a duvet into the sofa for me to lie on,
-adds my pillows and duvet

All I need to do is come downstairs and get in.

It's not perfect but I prefer it to the sort of night you're now having.

When a DC moves out in the next year or so I'll have their room.

Re the magnesium tablets. DC2 who also has ADHD gets nauseous with them and the same happens with other supplements. According to DC2, the Tesco magnesium tablets are fine. I’m guessing there is an ingredient that is commonly in supplements that is not on the Tesco ones or perhaps only in small quantities.

if that doesn’t work, maybe try a bath in magnesium salts?you can absorb it through your skin. And one other suggestion: I have never tried it myself but DM (who almost certainly also has ADHD) swears by magnesium spray. I bought it for her. A little pricey. There are probably cheaper alternatives. I tried magnesium cream which was quite cheap and I don’t rate it. This is what I bought for DM: https://www.harrogateorganics.co.uk/collections/shop-magnesium/products/natural-repair-magnesium-spray-100ml?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=19151727572&gbraid=0AAAAADCmzV5p4vp6TvpPqIfP7o2DRPyIi&gclid=CjwKCAjwxfjGBhAUEiwAKWPwDlKLsohliw2bIJkQnSkfeUuz6wYD-kU_ImjmSgwR5JU9YM3Wa2W7cBoC_FwQAvD_BwE

i hope that helps

If you buy a blow up bed, I can recommend this one highly. It's so comfortable that the teens squabble over who gets to sleep on it rather than in an actual bed when they have friends over, super quick to inflate and deflate, packs away neatly, and most of all, doesn't puncture.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0D9QF79F2?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_fed_asin_title&th=1

In case you haven’t tried - i take Magnesium Malate my gut accepts it better…was recommended online for being gentler. I do take with my breakfast tho, whereas I’ve seen some to be taken on empty stomach but haven’t yet checked up to see if that makes a difference. Mag is v important for building our bones.

The best thing I did was two single duvets. A 1 tog for me in summer and a 4 tog in winter, DH has a big winter weight all year round. A super king bed also helped but if that's not an option for you could you get two singles?

mybosswasmrmcgee the ones below. I've tried every type that exists and I even had some custom made by a sound engineer! They weren't as good as these:

iherb.co/GXsKPsJy?utm_medium=appshare

separate matresses and duvets if you can't afford a matress right now consider a topper for your side.

walk or light exercise outside early evening/late afternoon in daylight

warm milk with honey/hot chocolate/warm tea& honey... an hour before bed

headband bluetooth speakers that you can pull over your ears and eyes

No we don't.
And I am, believe me.
And yes he most definitely is.

Well me and hubby came to a mutual agreement we got a lovely sofa bed and in the days he has to be at work for 4 am he sleeps down on that so he no longer wakes me and the kids getting up and getting ready. Also I have a fan next to my bed as I have a health condition that makes me hot and uncomfortable and it was a game changer. We've been doing this for 2 years now and it went from no sleep and feeling so bad every day to we all get sleep now. Sorry but if your hubby cared he would make some changes and a fan is so simple and within 3 nights my hubby forgot it was even on the sound.

Have you got space for a Miller bed in a different room?

Could you get a second hand Murphy bed for the living room? A single bed looks like a sideboard when it's folded.