DH and I have become incompatible as sleeping partners but no spare room, what can we do?

[MybosswasMrMcGee]

I say 'we' but in reality I am having the issues with sleep, dh will mostly say he has a great night's sleep.

We have slept in the same bed for the last 26 years but during the last few years and especially this year I am struggling more and more.

I wake up exhausted, achy and headachy and for several reasons. One reason is that we could really do with a new mattress but can not afford that atm and dh says he feels fine laying on it so maybe it isn't the mattress?

I have been deep in perimenopause for the last 6 years and have recently found that I am having more and more 'hot' episodes during the night, it wakes me and I am doing the classic leg in leg out thing and flapping covers on/off (this summer's heatwaves where a nightmare for me). I also dream heavily which wakes me and I will lay there with a million thoughts running through my head, (I have quite a lot of stress in my life atm), I feel achy and uncomfortable and want to spread myself out for comfortable and toss and turn but can't do this as dh is laying next to me and I don't want to wake him. I will often wake around 3am and lay there for an hour or so before I fall back to sleep and then dh's alarm will go off a 5am which wakes me again and will take a while before I drop back off and then have to get up at 6.45. DH has also recently started waking in the night for a wee so by the time he has stomped off across the bedroom and opened the seemingly very loud door and then stomped back again I am often wide awake yet he drops back off in seconds.

I am dreading the winter as dh often works nights during this time and will come home at 2am or goes out to work at 2am which disturbs me even more.

I now wake up every morning and feel as though I have slept on a cobbled street.

I am not sure what do. I can't take HRT. I exercise, I consume no caffeine or alcohol. I stretch and do yoga before bed. I listen to the Calm app sleep stories every night (which does really help me drop off). I have even resorted to using one of those acupressure mats but I still have these annoyingly broken nights.

I'm sure my own bed and my own room would ensure me a better nights sleep every night. I can only but hope I win the lottery soon and can purchase a lovely spare room just for me.

Is there anything else I can do? Any tips for a deeper nights sleep?

DH and i invested in a split king adjustable bed. I was worried about the gap but it’s really not an issue.

We no longer bother one another with our night waking because the mattresses are separate.

the adjustable nature means i can get comfortable more easily

he has his alarm on vibrate and wakes to that. That isn’t enough to wake me, but thankfully he can sleep through my alarm.

we keep the room at my temperature and he uses extra duvets.

the bed was not cheap. It was cheaper than a spare room. My ability to sleep well was worth it for me. If you have some choice in where your money goes and it’s just not an issue of there being none, i would forgo a holiday or something to buy a really good bed.

Get a Dyson fan, the air can be directed so it’s not blowing a breeze all over the place and is very quiet.

On another note, interesting that you do yoga at night, I find I get a buzz from it and wouldn’t sleep well at all.

There's your answer then right there. Get a bit of heating in there sorted and make yourself cosy overnight with 2 full body lrngth hot water bottles, thermals and loads of blankets and a lovely thick mattress topper (plus a good lock on the door and an emergency she-wee). Ear plugs and an eye mask and say hello to blissful sleep.

Might be worth looking into medical cannabis for menopause? I’m prescribed it for cPTSD and take a specific thc oil to help me go to sleep and stay asleep. Prescribed edibles and weed as well. It isn’t a magic bullet but it has made a huge difference to my sleep

Just get a fan. I have a mega fan! DH moans a bit but it doesn't affect his sleep one bit. Also a sleepband with built-in headphones. These are my two sleep aids but definitely consider a new mattress. It really is a game changer and should be prioritised.

OP - These are the gummies I use

We each have noise cancelling AirPods and have 2 single duvets rather then a double duvet

I do. I walk my dog over fields every morning for an hour and often for another half hour in the afternoon.

I have been looking at Curaleaf recently. I have several health issues which may be relieved with medical cannabis but it does kind of scare me.

I'm so sorry to be flippant, but if you replace DH with Ddog, then I could have written this!!

I'm single, have a king sized bed, 54yrs old, do the whole leg in and out, cover on and cover off. Flap about like a landed fish. I want to flop to the cool side of the bed but end up squashing a snoring dog who then farts, humphs and stomps off to the end where the fluffy throw is draped (for the cold moments when my teeth are chattering).

I 100% recommend a king size all to yourself. Just don't allow a pet on it otherwise you're back to square one!

OP I feel for you, I absolutely could not sleep without the fan on.
Me and my OH have really incompatible sleep preferences, luckily we have a spare room and I would say he spends the majority of the nights in there. Sometimes he starts in with me, sometimes he just goes straight in there.
we have tried going from a double to a superking, and we have changed our duvet to 4 tog the whole year round - he just gets too hot and bothered sharing a bed with me.
our friends find it really weird. I’m sure they’re expecting us to announce a split any day now!

Lol, I definitely couldn't sleep with our ddog, he has sleep startle and goes crazy if he's disturbed during sleep.

Yeh GP’s are something of a law unto themselves🤔. Tbh, I get better results if I just sit waiting quietly & let him talk himself into a corner! then basically exaggerate symptoms & demand gently what I need. I do a lot of research on google scholar so have plenty of info backing me up!
I really hope you find your effective solutions 🙂.