DH and I have become incompatible as sleeping partners but no spare room, what can we do?

[MybosswasMrMcGee]

I say 'we' but in reality I am having the issues with sleep, dh will mostly say he has a great night's sleep.

We have slept in the same bed for the last 26 years but during the last few years and especially this year I am struggling more and more.

I wake up exhausted, achy and headachy and for several reasons. One reason is that we could really do with a new mattress but can not afford that atm and dh says he feels fine laying on it so maybe it isn't the mattress?

I have been deep in perimenopause for the last 6 years and have recently found that I am having more and more 'hot' episodes during the night, it wakes me and I am doing the classic leg in leg out thing and flapping covers on/off (this summer's heatwaves where a nightmare for me). I also dream heavily which wakes me and I will lay there with a million thoughts running through my head, (I have quite a lot of stress in my life atm), I feel achy and uncomfortable and want to spread myself out for comfortable and toss and turn but can't do this as dh is laying next to me and I don't want to wake him. I will often wake around 3am and lay there for an hour or so before I fall back to sleep and then dh's alarm will go off a 5am which wakes me again and will take a while before I drop back off and then have to get up at 6.45. DH has also recently started waking in the night for a wee so by the time he has stomped off across the bedroom and opened the seemingly very loud door and then stomped back again I am often wide awake yet he drops back off in seconds.

I am dreading the winter as dh often works nights during this time and will come home at 2am or goes out to work at 2am which disturbs me even more.

I now wake up every morning and feel as though I have slept on a cobbled street.

I am not sure what do. I can't take HRT. I exercise, I consume no caffeine or alcohol. I stretch and do yoga before bed. I listen to the Calm app sleep stories every night (which does really help me drop off). I have even resorted to using one of those acupressure mats but I still have these annoyingly broken nights.

I'm sure my own bed and my own room would ensure me a better nights sleep every night. I can only but hope I win the lottery soon and can purchase a lovely spare room just for me.

Is there anything else I can do? Any tips for a deeper nights sleep?

Hi OP - I'm lucky enough to have my own room...

... but I just thought I would mention that if you take the cushions off your two 2 seater sofas and armchair - they would probably lie together on the floor to make a decent single sized bed for you at night?

This way you get a separate sleeping space and no cash outlay at the moment.

Is there space anywhere to put a blow up bed? The 100 quid ones are as comfy as a normal bed. I'd even buy a big shed and sleep in there with an eye mask, ear plugs, a hot water bottle and a lock on the door. If you really are out of other options, then that's absolutely what I would do. Sleep deprivation will take you to a very dark place.

I think neither sofa beds or inflatable mattresses are comfortable enough long term. Your options are:

• 2 single beds in your current bedroom
• or replace one of your sofas with a daybed
• plus you need a fan!

I hear you @MybosswasMrMcGee

The things that have helped me:

Getting rid of our superking duvet and getting 2 singles. I went for all
seasons duvets so we have a 9 tog and a 4.5 tog each. So DH can have his warm 9 tog while I have my cool 4.5 tog. He can then go 13.5. tog and I can go for my 9 tog in the cold months.

I take magnesium at night. I also take a Piriton tablet (orange packet, behind the counter at Boots). If I forget the Piriton, I can guarantee that I will wake at 4-4.30am and won’t get back to sleep. 100% cotton bedding.

I have a fan on next to me. DH has had to get used to it.

I don’t really like wearing ear plugs because I can’t hear the kids or the dog. But I do sometimes wear silicone ear plugs if DH has a cold, which leads to increased his snoring.

You have my sympathy. It’s really hard trying to function on such poor quality sleep.

You say you don't want to wake him if you thrash around, but he sounds like he sleeps well. Give it a go and see if it wakes him up or not. I am a heavy sleeper and genuinely wouldn't notice.

Also have you considered asking the doctors about melatonin, or legal cbd gummies for sleep support?

So is your mattress topper new or 10 years old?

If the latter, get a new one and put it on top of the existing topper.

Thank you. I will look into the seasonal duvet idea, that does sound ideal.

I have often thought of taking an antihistamine to help with sleep. I was given Phenergan as a child, as I couldn't sleep well.

It does wake him unfortunately, he sleeps well but has started to sleep more lightly as he ages.

The mattress is around 8-10 years old, we usually mark the date on them but had forgot with this so can't exactly remember when we got it. It was quite expensive (around £1200) and has a built in topper so we had hoped it would last a while but I think the norm is to replace them every decade or so.

I purchased a new topper last month but it hasn't helped really.

I love the sound of a cooling blanket, will look that up, thanks.

Haha, we would be drawing straws as to who would sleep in a shed in the winter. We have a touring caravan which we store in the garden Oct-March, it's no fun sleeping in there when it is cold - we have both tried.

Do you have a separate sitting room, dining room or study op? Or a garage, roof space, or garden shed, ripe for conversion?

If so, could you adapt or convert one of your existing rooms in to a bedroom for yourself?

A friend of mine has bought a really good quality fold out bed for her sitting room, stores bedding in an ottoman, and sleeps there when she can’t face her husband snoring.

It’s a bit of a faff pulling it all out every day and putting it away but the bottom sheets can stay on, so not too bad! They have a downstairs utility with a sink, loo and shower, so it works reasonably well. She says it’s bliss! 😀

The answer to much of your problem is a FAN. I know you say your DH won't like it, but that's tough. Once you have one you will never go back, even during the winter. My DH won't sleep without one now. The utter relief during the night when you are hot is indescribable. Imagine popping one leg out, and having cool air massage up and down you. Please, please try it.

Re the mattress, we just bought an expensive one from Argos and are paying on Paypal, interest free over 3 years - it's only £16.79 a month. Black friday is coming soon - we got ours last black friday and got something like £200 off.

You say you don't drink, but a night with some wine every now and again won't hurt, and you would sleep through.

We have large sturdy single beds pushed together and separate mattresses. No movement transference. I often listen to podcasts to go off our west earplugs. Appreciate you’ve no money right now but that might be a scenario you can work towards. Congrats on the new job.

This is such a good idea! It reminds me that I did this a few times when DDs were still at home and we had no spare room. Put the sofa cushions all together and put proper bedding on it, you can get really comfy on it.

Sofa bed for him
New mattress for you

Given your health conditions you stay in the bedroom.

Has your DH had his prostate checked recently? If getting up to pee in the middle of the night is new, he needs checking.

I would like to mention @MybosswasMrMcGee that I have a lovely, supremely comfortable, incredibly expensive superking bed with a topper that I sleep in alone (save for cats and occasionally young child) and I still wake up exactly as you describe. The lack of a sleeping partner makes zero difference. The quality of the bed makes no difference.

I also can’t take HRT although for different reasons and am well in to
perimenopause. I know that’s no help practically but convincing yourself that your bed or partner is the issue may not be helping.

I feel like the fecking princess and the pea in mine.

My husband and I have slept separately for about 8 years, only sharing a bed when weve had guests stay over, and those nights are horrific 🤣. He sleeps downstairs on a good quality sofa bed. Its saved our sanity and our marriage!

Magnesium really helps with my quality o sleep. It may or may not help you but it is cheaper & more immediate than many of the other suggestions so might be worth a go.
When I am having a period of disrupted sleep, I have found it better to actually get up, come & lie on the sofa under a blanket and just try & rest. I might listen to some familiar music or a favourite book on audible (my theory being that it is enough to distract me but doesn’t require concentration so doesn’t wake me up too much). After an hour or so, I can go back to bed & fall asleep fairly quickly. This seems to go against all of the advice on what to do but I just get so frustrated lying in bed not sleeping that a change of scene seems to help

Melatonin for sleep; works incredibly well.
Zip and link mattresses if you do have to stay in the same bed; they’re amazing, one can be tossing and turning and there is absolutely no movement in the other mattress.
Two single duvets.
You’ll find you disturb each other much less.

But probably a decent sofa bed and taking it in turns is going to be the most successful.

A few yrs ago it was accidentally found that I had Hyperparathyroidism. This can mean there’s far too much calcium in the blood stream/ brain & makes sleeping v. difficult. (all sorted out now thankfully 👍)
Just wondered if there could be something else that’s stopping your sleep?

Also there are other things like antihistamines that GP can give you to help sleep & stop all those anxieties coming into your mind in the night.

If you can’t get a new mattress I would suggest
loop earplugs
magnesium supplements
clean evening routine eg no caffeine from 4pm. No devices least hour before bed. Pukka night time tea

I actually came here to suggest the Pukka Night Time teabags too @oustedbymymate .

@MybosswasMrMcGee I was sceptical about these, but honestly, I have a noticeably more restful sleep when I have a mug of it before I go to bed. I won't say that I sleep for longer (various things have ruined my sleep pattern over the years) but the sleep that I do have is definitely of better quality.

I have ME/CFS and ADHD, so I have a lot of trouble with sleeping. The advice I have had from healthcare professionals that has helped is:

1, Take magnesium supplements in the evenings. Apparently most people in the UK are deficient and magnesium helps your muscles relax. Another thing to try (this is really my suggestion rather than an HCP) is to have a bath early evening in magnesium bath salts. I buy them from Westlab (they are sold on Amazon too but I think slightly more expensive).

1. Have the same getting up time, 7 days a week. If you get up later some days, you can end up with a jet-lag-like issue.
2. Only go to bed when you actually feel tired, rather than having a specific bedtime.
3. Get natural daylight as early as you can. This helps to regulate your circadian rhythm and then at night when it gets dark your body will be more prepared to produce melatonin which helps you sleep. (I always have my morning coffee in the garden even in winter. I put my coat on).
4. Anything that increases vagal tone may help because it activates the parasympathetic nervous system and that promotes relaxation. So humming and singing does this (not tried that myself), splashing cold water on your face and neck (I like this), lying down with an ice pack at the base of your neck (I like this too). Alain's breathing exercise for relaxation and meditation.

Hope some of this helps