DH and I have become incompatible as sleeping partners but no spare room, what can we do?

[MybosswasMrMcGee]

I say 'we' but in reality I am having the issues with sleep, dh will mostly say he has a great night's sleep.

We have slept in the same bed for the last 26 years but during the last few years and especially this year I am struggling more and more.

I wake up exhausted, achy and headachy and for several reasons. One reason is that we could really do with a new mattress but can not afford that atm and dh says he feels fine laying on it so maybe it isn't the mattress?

I have been deep in perimenopause for the last 6 years and have recently found that I am having more and more 'hot' episodes during the night, it wakes me and I am doing the classic leg in leg out thing and flapping covers on/off (this summer's heatwaves where a nightmare for me). I also dream heavily which wakes me and I will lay there with a million thoughts running through my head, (I have quite a lot of stress in my life atm), I feel achy and uncomfortable and want to spread myself out for comfortable and toss and turn but can't do this as dh is laying next to me and I don't want to wake him. I will often wake around 3am and lay there for an hour or so before I fall back to sleep and then dh's alarm will go off a 5am which wakes me again and will take a while before I drop back off and then have to get up at 6.45. DH has also recently started waking in the night for a wee so by the time he has stomped off across the bedroom and opened the seemingly very loud door and then stomped back again I am often wide awake yet he drops back off in seconds.

I am dreading the winter as dh often works nights during this time and will come home at 2am or goes out to work at 2am which disturbs me even more.

I now wake up every morning and feel as though I have slept on a cobbled street.

I am not sure what do. I can't take HRT. I exercise, I consume no caffeine or alcohol. I stretch and do yoga before bed. I listen to the Calm app sleep stories every night (which does really help me drop off). I have even resorted to using one of those acupressure mats but I still have these annoyingly broken nights.

I'm sure my own bed and my own room would ensure me a better nights sleep every night. I can only but hope I win the lottery soon and can purchase a lovely spare room just for me.

Is there anything else I can do? Any tips for a deeper nights sleep?

We do have a new mattress topper but it's not helping much sadly.

Try one like these, some are quieter than other so you might have to try a few.

amzn.eu/d/9FAHcWQ

That looks good.

I'm definitely going to try separate duvets.

In his defence he works very long hours in a very physical job and gets up fairly early and as I haven't been working this last year I felt that I should allow him a good night's sleep.

It seems that the scandi thing is you have a duvet each but then add an extra cover across both of you.

Have a look on YouTube for how they do it.

How long is it since you rotated and turned your mattress? That can make a difference.

We started with separate duvets and progressed to two single beds jammed together, both of which really helped.

We also sleep with wax ear plugs and noise cancelling earphones (he snores) and silk eye mask (if he puts the light on or stays up reading, I can find darkness).

I also recommend you get one of those extra thick yoga mats and put it on the floor next to the bed. If you're hot you can lay on it with your (own) duvet for a bit while your mattress cools off and get back into bed later.

A separate room helps psychologically but doesn't help with the getting hot and dreaming deeply things, both of which I also have.

You need to get a sofa bed for the living room and make it so you can make it into a bedroom at night. Can you look at moving somewhere with a second bedroom too? Might be a better long term solution. If tou move area maybe so you can find somewhere cheaper?

Getting rid of our memory foam mattress/ topper massively reduced my night sweats, something about rhe memory foam just radiated heat back at me!

MusiCozy headphones/ eye mask have been a game changer for me, a playlist of hand pan music or the shipping forecast to drop off to sleep with. If I get woken up or need to get up myself, I put it back on immediately before my mind can wander.

Also having a seperate duvet or blanket to OH so I can move it on/off/on without waking him.

We have movement activated led lights on the skirting board on the landing so if either of us have to get up we don't need to switch a big light on to see and we oiled the squeaky bathroom door! He wears earplugs to help avoid him being woken if I'm having a bad night sleep.

Quies wax earplugs are amazing. Squish them into a ball and pop in your ear, then after ten minutes they’ll have warmed up so squosh them into again, they will
make a satisfying seal. 🦭. Not that kind.

i found sage tablets really helped with night sweats - I got mine on A Vogel.

we finally replaced our old double with a brand new king size this year and it’s been soooo good.
i couldn’t afford it either but I got it on 0% finance so pay £85 a month for a year. At Bedstore or Bensons or sommat.

I’ve got a cooling blanket, which is really good, actually cold to the touch, if it gets warm during the night you just flap it around a bit and cools again, it has a normal side and a cold one , it’s like witchcraft. Also def try earplugs , push them ALL the way in. 2 single beds with their own mattresses and duvets pushed together might help, could have a look in marketplace. Valerian tablets or melatonin gummies, sleep apnea test, magnesium spray/cream/ tablets, a sleeping bonnet if you have long hair ( sound daft but it really helped me) a warm bath with magnesium salts in . A shower immediately before bed, not in the evening but directly before bed ( there’s some evidence of this being beneficial.

I really sympathise op, I moved into our sons empty room a year ago and he’s now moved back, I’m back to sleeping with DH, my sleep is getting progressively worse again.

You need a king sized bed, you can get one on marketplace for fairly cheap. We got an almost brand new expensive mattress on marketplace for £20. You need separate duvets with different togs. I'm too warm with a 10.5 tog at this time of year whereas DH likes a 14 tog and the spare king sized duvet on top - this one goes over both of us when it's properly cold. This arrangement gives me enough space to roll right away from DH and stretch out where I need to, to be cool enough and not have him roll into me or tug the duvet away. There's nothing you can do about being woken up when he gets up for a wee or for work but if the rest of your sleep is better quality you'll feel better.

How big is your bedroom? You're going to have to spend something to resolve this problem - what about a much bigger bed? Two single beds?

Earplugs,sleep mask and separate beds.

I hope he's doing just as much work as you to remedy this, given it's him causing it.

could you room fit two single beds

We rotate the mattress about once every month or two.
It actually has a built in mattress topper so can only be used one way up but it's around 8-10 years old so really does need replacing.

If DH is working odd hours and sleeping OK, leave him in the bedroom and build yourself a nest somewhere else. Sell the sofa and get a sofa bed, get one of the inflatable mattress, whatever works for your space and budget. Then you can have the fan and whatever you need.

We can't afford to move, the houses in our area are very expensive.

We do have three bedrooms but have a teen girl and boy so we all need our own rooms.

Our living room sofas are fairly new, we can't really afford to replace them right now.

We have a king sized bed. It would be a squeeze with a super king. May need to look into two singles but money is tight atm.

Life is too short to be miserable.

Find a solution.

I've done all of the suggestions above, domr work well. But definitely don't suffer. Most things are cheaper than a divorce.

I hope you live in a detached house. If I was your attached neighbour, I'd be murderous. He is one hugely selfish pig.

It is a king.

I'm starting to look for separate duvets as I think this may help somewhat.

Ebay and facebook and charity shops

Poor sleep is indicative for so many physical and MH illnesses, put something on credit if you need to

If you have a king size you could probably manage with 2 small singles, dont get ones where the frame stick out either side and that will help with the spacing.

Rearrange the room and get ride of other furniture if you need to. Its vital that you can sleep ok

Are you in the biggest room, if not you need to swap the rooms around

I'm looking at those pump up mattresses right now, think that may work until I e if the DC leave home then I can claim their room