Scared to tell him about pregnancy

[HeIsOnTeamB]

I am a good looking woman (it’s anonymous). But. He has a good life. And my life isn’t compatible to his and neither is his with mine

Knew each other since teens. Casual sex now mixed in with great conversations. All very fun. But just found out I’m pregnant

Only seen him twice. I am so worried about telling him. Almost 100% not keeping it. But feel I need to tell him, and I will tell him I’m terminating as that’s the most likely scenario and I’m almost certain

I was going to say ‘Hi R, just wanted to let you know I’m pregnant. Don’t worry, I’m not keeping it. But thought you should know. Hope you are okay’

Is that alright? I am worried he’s going to say ‘How dare you be pregnant! With my kid? You have no right to have my kid. Who are you to carry it, you aren’t worthy’

He almost certainly won’t. So why is my brain saying this is what he will think/say?

He isn’t nasty. Just still living a young man’s life with no intention of starting up with me and all my baggage

I already have DC. Divorced. Busy home life, kid with special needs. So not for him and I’ve accepted and been happy with that . Genuinely.

In an ideal world, I’d be single and childless. And maybe this baby would be a surprise. A nice surprise with a good looking woman who still has her own life and autonomy over it. But it’s not. It’s a nasty shock with someone who is just not up to the privilege

This is all very choppy and I’m just trying to think aloud and make sense of my own thoughts here

I know it’s a silly mistake. Yes, I know termination is the way to go.

Why do I feel so awful, like I’m going to really make myself out to be a horrible, deceitful witch?

You sound like a lovesick teenager hoping a baby would win him over. Hasn't worked so now you're cross.
OP you've gone from worrying what his parents will think to chasing down relatives for child support in a matter of days.
You don't seem particularly rational and you're not centering the children in the decision at all.

@HeIsOnTeamB I know it takes two to make a baby, and you haven't explained what happened here, whether it was unprotected or a contraceptive failure.

However.

In your OP you said you were almost certainly going to terminate, but you were going to say to him, "By the way I'm pregnant with your baby but I'm not keeping it."

In that situation no good could possibly have come from telling him, particularly if he'd have wanted the baby. You would just have been messing with his head for no reason.

You admit yourself that it's not an ideal situation to be bringing a child into, given that you're already a single mother and have a child with special needs.

Now you've done a U-turn and decided you do want to keep the baby, and for some unfathomable reason you've decided to announce this to him on the night before he was due to leave for a lads' holiday to Ibiza. I can't imagine a worse time to have told him, to be honest. He'll have been looking forward to going out on the lash with his mates all week, and you drop this bombshell on him.

I get that he bears equal responsibility for your pregnancy, and that you're not responsible for him having a good time on holiday. But telling him at a time that was calculated to ruin his holiday is not exactly going to get your co-parenting relationship off to a good start, is it?

Honestly, your life sounds like a mess, and I think you should be focusing on the child you already have. You wouldn't normally say that an existing human would have been better off not being born (although in some cases I do believe this is true), but an embryo terminated in early pregnancy has no interest in being born at all and does not know whether it is alive or not. It is just alive one moment, and not the next.

You seem to be thinking about this entirely through the lens of what you want, and not thinking about what is in the best interests of anyone else, particularly your existing child with special needs. You're not even particularly thinking about the best interests of your unborn child. Plenty of babies will be born every year, and the best thing is to ensure that those who are born are born into as stable a situation as possible.

But there's no point advising you to terminate, because you will clearly do whatever you want, without a thought for anyone else.

File for CMS when the child is born, he wants nothing to do with you or his child, as you knew.

Again, you’ve only made this choice for yourself and that’s fine but don’t pretend it’s anything other than what YOU want.

I don’t want to terminate. For some women, going through with an abortion they do NOT want and is really distressing them can have a profound impact on them that doesn’t ever go. More so than having the baby

Not sure what I’m suppose to say. I don’t feel comfortable terminating the pregnancy, so I’m not. I started off posting and saying I’d terminate and posters said I sounded like I didn’t want to, that it’s my job to decide what’s best for my situation and not him.

I don’t want anything from him now in terms of emotional support or whatever else. But, it’s his baby. And financially, he needs to pay for him/her once born. That’s not me being ‘spiteful’. He can keep well away the entire pregnancy and not see the baby if that’s how he really feels. Fine. But he does have some form of commitment here under UK law.

Also not my job to ensure he has a peaceful lads holiday?! But, my thought process was genuinely that he could take the shock of this news and then have a good time with his mates and take the edge off the shock and upset

I don't believe that was your thought process at all.

You’re best off being honest.

Secrets eat you up inside and you wouldn’t be able to continue seeing him if you hid this.

You may still not be able to keep the casual relationship going after this situation but it’s best to be honest.

You don’t know what his reaction will be until you talk to him.

edited to add: I left my comment before reading your few final updates. Good for you for making the decision you want. I wish you a healthy and happy pregnancy.

I said from the start and still say no, our lives aren’t compatible. I don’t want him as a life partner. It wouldn’t work. Lives are too bloody different. If things were different for me, then yes, but they aren’t and we are living too differently.

So, win him over to what exactly? I know full well any type of relationship with him wouldn’t work. There’s no illusion that it would. I can’t stress that enough.

And, no. I haven’t and wouldn’t ‘chase down relatives’ in a matter of days. I said if I genuinely cannot contact him once baby is here, is it reasonable to go down that route? After doing some digging regarding CMS, that’s actually very useful info for them to be able to track him down too

That’s fine. Think what you like. But it was.

What about the impact on a child of having a dad who does not and never did want anything to do with them, as the result of a fling? Or are you only interested in the impact of things on you?

Again though OP, that's a whole lot about you and him. Very little thought for the children.
You obviously don't have to prove anything to me or anyone else, but I'm not the only one that has perceived your posts this way. You owe it to your child(ren) to think it through properly. Beyond what the man thinks and the squishy newborn.

Why do you assume a casual and flirty situation ship will follow the revelation of an abortion if having an abortion without revealing that and your pregnancy is a must, lest that knowledge will " eat you alive"?

Your reasoning is contradictory.

No - It isn’t. I’m not sure why you think this? Just because I didn’t spell out DC? I said our lives aren’t compatible. My life is mostly DC.

What about the impact on a child of having a dad who does not and never did want anything to do with them, as the result of a fling? Or are you only interested in the impact of things on you?

So all DC who don’t have their father around should’ve just been aborted then? Not really sure where you’re going with this. It’s far from ideal. But there are far worse things to have to contend with than not really knowing your dad. I am not suggesting it’s ‘nothing’. It is. It’s very sad. But no, I don’t think I will base a termination on it

Just pointing out that the only person who’s wishes you’ve considered is yours- not the baby, not your existing child, not the other adult involved.

Right, but it's not just about your life. The children are people in their own rights. Properly think about what their lives will look like. Not just how an additional one how impact yours.

You can keep the baby and he might like to co parent?

Good. So keep your wee baby and give him am option to co parent but you are main parent. Mayhe he will be happy once it sinks in ?

Sorry to read your update op. This situation is far from ideal but he made this baby just as much as you did. We don’t know if you were on contraception but even if you were, nothing is 100%. This is the unfortunately reality for people having sex when they don’t want kids, sometimes it goes wrong. You have nothing to feel guilty for based on what you have shared with us.

Try to focus on your children now, hold your head high and try to stay level headed.

Me too. Looks are completely irrelevant in this situation.