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Original poster

Scared to tell him about pregnancy

119 replies

HeIsOnTeamB · 30/09/2025 18:48

I am a good looking woman (it’s anonymous). But. He has a good life. And my life isn’t compatible to his and neither is his with mine

Knew each other since teens. Casual sex now mixed in with great conversations. All very fun. But just found out I’m pregnant

Only seen him twice. I am so worried about telling him. Almost 100% not keeping it. But feel I need to tell him, and I will tell him I’m terminating as that’s the most likely scenario and I’m almost certain

I was going to say ‘Hi R, just wanted to let you know I’m pregnant. Don’t worry, I’m not keeping it. But thought you should know. Hope you are okay’

Is that alright? I am worried he’s going to say ‘How dare you be pregnant! With my kid? You have no right to have my kid. Who are you to carry it, you aren’t worthy’

He almost certainly won’t. So why is my brain saying this is what he will think/say?

He isn’t nasty. Just still living a young man’s life with no intention of starting up with me and all my baggage

I already have DC. Divorced. Busy home life, kid with special needs. So not for him and I’ve accepted and been happy with that . Genuinely.

In an ideal world, I’d be single and childless. And maybe this baby would be a surprise. A nice surprise with a good looking woman who still has her own life and autonomy over it. But it’s not. It’s a nasty shock with someone who is just not up to the privilege

This is all very choppy and I’m just trying to think aloud and make sense of my own thoughts here

I know it’s a silly mistake. Yes, I know termination is the way to go.

Why do I feel so awful, like I’m going to really make myself out to be a horrible, deceitful witch?

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 01/10/2025 15:29

HeIsOnTeamB · 01/10/2025 15:23

Why would it be the end to any sexual relationship?

Show quote history

Well if you’re right in that he doesn’t want a child, you’ve fallen pregnant and are quite strongly hinting you’d like to keep it, if I was a man that would be a pretty clear sign we want different things and I wouldn’t want to risk an unwanted pregnancy.

ThatPeachScroller · 01/10/2025 16:06

You care more about a man’s feelings than your own. If you want an abortion have one but do not have one for him. You’ll regret that pretty damn quickly.

sesquipedalian · 01/10/2025 16:27

OP, what do you actually want? It seems to me that you’re rather conflicted - you don’t think you should keep it, but actually, you’d rather like to, so you’re going to tell this casual fling - whom you say you’ve only seen twice - for what reason, exactly? Are you hoping it will be hearts and rainbows? That he will beg you to keep it so you can live happily ever after? What? You need to decide what YOU want to do - what is in the best interests of you and your family. Not your mum or your sister - let’s face it, they won’t be the ones getting up in the night - but for you. And you need to be able to live with whatever decision you make. If you are certain you want a termination, then get on with it, the sooner the better, and don’t tell him. If you don’t, then tell him you’re keeping it, but be prepared to go it alone. You’ve said that you’ve accepted that your life is not for him - so make your decision and move on.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1st trimester Families General pregnancy Relationship problems
Boomer55 · 01/10/2025 16:47

Regardless of how attractive you are, it might be good to use efficient contraception going forward.

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 01/10/2025 17:12

@HeIsOnTeamB all your arguments for not keeping the baby seem to be what is right for this fuckbuddy - not what is right for you. I understand you have a child with additional needs and are divorced. I understand it isn't ideal. If you think you genuinely won't be able to cope, if it make like worse for your current child or you don't want to have this child without a stable father who you're in a relationship with, as there is a real chance he may not want to stay around, then fine

The argument of his parents will be upset with me trashing his life or this is not what he would have wanted for his first child shouldn't be your basis for termination. It does sound a bit like you would benefit from some therpay. Life has dealt you some hard cards. Perhaps a termination is the right thing for you and your little boy. But you are not the mother of this man who you have conceived with and it is not your job to make sure you make potentially life altering decisions to please him. I don't think really it matters if you tell him or not, if you feel you should then do - especially because it sounds like you really like him and want to continue a relationship with him - i understand how it must feel weird to do that knowing there is a secret like that between you.

GOod luck and sorry things are so hard

ThatCleverCoralCrow · 01/10/2025 19:16

HeIsOnTeamB · 01/10/2025 10:38

DC is at school so I’d have time for baby 1-1 then. Holidays would be trickier. My mum would be excited. So would my sisters.

I could make it work but feel bad for him. It would be his first baby. I imagine he will want that to be with a long term partner/finance or wife. Not a divorced fling

He deserves that special experience with someone who can let him into their life completely and without loads of drama (I have a disabled child, as I say, so no rainbows here and almost certainly not a set up he imagines for himself as a successful and single 28 year old)

Show quote history

It's nice that you are considering him but that shouldn't be the basis of your decision, you're both adults and both willingly had sex... At the end of the day he'll be involved or he won't be, and he may or may not go on to have the family you think he'd want. Or maybe he'd love the child despite not being together. There's a lot of possibilities there so don't make him the decider.

The question is, do you want to have this baby? Can you afford to do it alone? Are you prepared to do the newborn stage alone? Will the child have a happy life, provided for and be loved? Alternatively, would you want to wait to have another baby with a stable partner in the future?

Original poster
HeIsOnTeamB · 01/10/2025 19:50

For me, the newborn stage is by far the easiest! Never had an issue with it at all. Bliss. But I know all babies are different and it’s luck of the draw

I am suppose to be going to a bar and hotel with him on Friday night. I’m thinking of telling him in the hotel room… But then my head tells me to text it all so he has time to process things

I think I’m going to tell him now I’ve had a day today to process it all in peace. I’m not sure I even want an abortion and certainly don’t want to decide anytime soon, as in the next week or so, so I’m going to tell him and tell him the truth - I am speaking to BPAS about my options soon but really don’t know what’s going to happen

I am now always thinking of a little baby that’s half him and half me. Although our lives aren’t compatible to be a family unit, I imagine from his character and relationship with niece/nephew that he will want to at least acknowledge and see his own child.

I really like the guy. Always have since we first kissed at 13. But, I am under no illusion he will ever live with me and be a family

This is just the result of good chemistry, yes, and sex. Everything else doesn’t work.

OP posts:
lizzyBennet08 · 01/10/2025 20:59

Honestly If it's information you want keot private then I wouldn't tell him. What's to be gained.

ginasevern · 01/10/2025 21:11

Basically you want to keep the baby because you're completely smitten with this bloke. You want to tell him not because it's the honourable thing to do but because you secretly hope he'll want to stay with you and become a family unit. Am I right? I hope everything works out OP but don't hold your breath.

Lighteningstrikes · 01/10/2025 23:01

Are you sure you’re not going to be making a very big mistake that you’ll live to regret forever?

You seem to be worried about him and his parents thoughts, but not your own!!

How do you actually know what they think. And even if it was negative, it very likely wouldn’t be when the baby actually arrives.

Notmymarmosets · 01/10/2025 23:18

Oh fgs sake! Everyone has advised you not to tell him. But you going to do it anyway. By text. And you seem to want everyone to persuade you that keeping the baby is a good idea. You have to decide that absolutely completely on your own. Like you will have to bring up any prospective child. Absolutely completely on your own.
Do you like a bit of a drama op?

PickedYourHillToDieOn · 02/10/2025 05:53

OP, no matter how good-looking you are, I think you're probably spot- on when you say he's not going to want to uproot his life to commit to you and baby. You're not in a relationship. Good-looking is enough for sex, not for marriage.

Best case realistic scenario here is that he's a decent man who will be a supportive and involved dad for the sake of the baby. But plenty of men aren't even that, even when they chose to become dads.

You can keep this baby if you want to have another dependent human to raise and look after for 18 years. You may or may not have support.

But I'm concerned that you're secretly building up this idea in your head that he's going to throw himself at your feet because you're pregnant, and I don't think that idea is doing you any good in your decision- making process. Let it go and think about the effect on this potential new baby and, most importantly, your existing child.

If you do decide to end the pregnancy, which is your choice, this is also a good time to have a chat with a healthcare professional about reliable contraception options.

Original poster
HeIsOnTeamB · 02/10/2025 10:07

PickedYourHillToDieOn · 02/10/2025 05:53

OP, no matter how good-looking you are, I think you're probably spot- on when you say he's not going to want to uproot his life to commit to you and baby. You're not in a relationship. Good-looking is enough for sex, not for marriage.

Best case realistic scenario here is that he's a decent man who will be a supportive and involved dad for the sake of the baby. But plenty of men aren't even that, even when they chose to become dads.

You can keep this baby if you want to have another dependent human to raise and look after for 18 years. You may or may not have support.

But I'm concerned that you're secretly building up this idea in your head that he's going to throw himself at your feet because you're pregnant, and I don't think that idea is doing you any good in your decision- making process. Let it go and think about the effect on this potential new baby and, most importantly, your existing child.

If you do decide to end the pregnancy, which is your choice, this is also a good time to have a chat with a healthcare professional about reliable contraception options.

Like I say, definitely not under any illusion he will uproot his life for me. As I say, we maybe could’ve worked if this was me as a single woman with no deeply heavy responsibilities and ties elsewhere. We absolutely are not compatible lifestyle wise and I am not imagining we are

But, we do have chemistry and the sex is good. That’s why I’ve been doing it. For fun.

I do think there’s a high possibility he will want to know/be involved with the baby’s life. I am not looking to be in a relationship with him. I find that very stressful even to think about it. I like the connection for what it is and don’t want the illusion of fun and chemistry destroyed by him even trying to enter into my life like that - But the baby is separate and his too

He doesn’t have to be with me to be a good dad, or even just around for the baby to know exactly who he is. His parents are very old school cockney and I’d say they’d want to see their grandchild from what I’ve seen and know

Anyway, I don’t know for sure yet. It’s still such a heavy thing to sit with. I’ve lost a DC before like I say and this is really hurting to consider terminating as it feels too precious to let go

But, I know it may not be practical or right. I need more time to sit with it all

OP posts:
ThatCleverCoralCrow · 02/10/2025 19:01

HeIsOnTeamB · 02/10/2025 10:07

Like I say, definitely not under any illusion he will uproot his life for me. As I say, we maybe could’ve worked if this was me as a single woman with no deeply heavy responsibilities and ties elsewhere. We absolutely are not compatible lifestyle wise and I am not imagining we are

But, we do have chemistry and the sex is good. That’s why I’ve been doing it. For fun.

I do think there’s a high possibility he will want to know/be involved with the baby’s life. I am not looking to be in a relationship with him. I find that very stressful even to think about it. I like the connection for what it is and don’t want the illusion of fun and chemistry destroyed by him even trying to enter into my life like that - But the baby is separate and his too

He doesn’t have to be with me to be a good dad, or even just around for the baby to know exactly who he is. His parents are very old school cockney and I’d say they’d want to see their grandchild from what I’ve seen and know

Anyway, I don’t know for sure yet. It’s still such a heavy thing to sit with. I’ve lost a DC before like I say and this is really hurting to consider terminating as it feels too precious to let go

But, I know it may not be practical or right. I need more time to sit with it all

Show quote history

'Too precious to let go' - sounds like you would regret terminating. Also, I might be in the minority but I think telling him by text to sit on the info is fine. Just don't lead saying you'll get an abortion when this is not really what you've decided yet. I'd tell him the facts, that you're pregnant and still deciding on what you want to do but just thought he should know etc.

Original poster
HeIsOnTeamB · 03/10/2025 15:39

Thank you. I’ve decided to keep it

He has booked a last minute holiday to Ibiza with his mates and leaves in the morning. I cancelled tonight and said I don’t feel very well

Suddenly have really awful sickness. I had HG with my other DC and think it’s returning

Absolutely terrified of losing this baby. Certainly don’t want an abortion now. I just have to work on my constant guilt for him and his life… Because I don’t think he is the type to walk on the child, and his parents will want to know this baby. And that’s going to be such a heavy disappointment. That their son’s first baby, a special moment in life, is with a divorcee who already has DC, and they aren’t even in a relationship of any description

But I want this baby.

OP posts:
Wrenjay · 03/10/2025 16:14

HeIsOnTeamB · 30/09/2025 20:23

I honestly feel so sad about it. I found out I was pregnant with this baby on my baby son’s 4th anniversary of passing

So wish things were different.

So sorry for you losing your son. I can see how this pregnancy would not work in reality for you. Take a few hours to think of your son, then consider your decision about this child in a quiet, calm atmosphere, and how your heart is feeling. If you can see a way to keep this child could they possibly bring more love and happiness into your life? What other people's reactions are they are their's not yours.

I wish you all the best whatever your decision, it must be very difficult for you.

toiletpaperthief · 03/10/2025 16:21

I was in your shoes once many moons ago. Early termination, kept my mouth shut and told him I would be unavailable for 3 months due to x and y. I owed him no explanations. He found himself a GF and we drifted apart. Not letting him know was the best thing for my mental health I could do at the time.No added unecessary drama to an already quite difficult situation. You need to figure out what's best for you.

Viviennemary · 03/10/2025 16:23

If you do'nt want the baby and have decided on a termination there is no point in telling him. Why woukd you. There is no point whatsoever. The decision is made.

Viviennemary · 03/10/2025 16:24

Sorry didn't see your update that you've changed your mind,

tripleginandtonic · 03/10/2025 16:28

If you're having a termination I'd say nothing.

bugalugs45 · 03/10/2025 16:29

You sound confused at best, crazy (meant with kindness! )at worst tbh, you also sound very immature .
You don’t say how far gone you are, but if I was you I’d take some time as you’ve done a complete 360 in 24 hours . Maybe when he gets home tell him and talk things through , he may surprise you .

MondayYogurt · 03/10/2025 16:35

You’re really hung up on this “his first baby” idea. Did your ex (DC dad) place huge importance to it?

momtoboys · 03/10/2025 16:58

If you are not going to have this baby, do not tell him.

ERthree · 03/10/2025 17:01

The only reason to tell him is to see if he begs you to keep the baby. There is no need to tell him.

TheGreatWesternShrew · 03/10/2025 17:07

Why even tell him? It’s your choice, you’re choosing to terminate, you’re scared to tell him… he doesn’t need to know at all. In fact I think it’s a bad idea - what if he disagrees with termination? What if he wants the baby?

It just feels redundant if you’re terminating.