Scared to tell him about pregnancy

[HeIsOnTeamB]

I am a good looking woman (it’s anonymous). But. He has a good life. And my life isn’t compatible to his and neither is his with mine

Knew each other since teens. Casual sex now mixed in with great conversations. All very fun. But just found out I’m pregnant

Only seen him twice. I am so worried about telling him. Almost 100% not keeping it. But feel I need to tell him, and I will tell him I’m terminating as that’s the most likely scenario and I’m almost certain

I was going to say ‘Hi R, just wanted to let you know I’m pregnant. Don’t worry, I’m not keeping it. But thought you should know. Hope you are okay’

Is that alright? I am worried he’s going to say ‘How dare you be pregnant! With my kid? You have no right to have my kid. Who are you to carry it, you aren’t worthy’

He almost certainly won’t. So why is my brain saying this is what he will think/say?

He isn’t nasty. Just still living a young man’s life with no intention of starting up with me and all my baggage

I already have DC. Divorced. Busy home life, kid with special needs. So not for him and I’ve accepted and been happy with that . Genuinely.

In an ideal world, I’d be single and childless. And maybe this baby would be a surprise. A nice surprise with a good looking woman who still has her own life and autonomy over it. But it’s not. It’s a nasty shock with someone who is just not up to the privilege

This is all very choppy and I’m just trying to think aloud and make sense of my own thoughts here

I know it’s a silly mistake. Yes, I know termination is the way to go.

Why do I feel so awful, like I’m going to really make myself out to be a horrible, deceitful witch?

Tell him. See what he says. You have already decided to terminate for all the reasons you can think of. But you alsk said you would keep the baby if the stars aligned.
You never know if he might have a different reaction to what you think he will. But if he reacts how you think he will then you already have a plan in place.
You have nothing to lose by telling him.
Either way, the relationship dynamic has shifted now so you might as well tell him.

It sounds like you want the baby OP but Daren't have the baby because of your class/social status and how that would be perceived if you want to have the baby have the baby

If your going to abort.... don't tell him. What's the point? He could potentially be angry or upset.... pointless telling him and serves no one

There's nothing to be gained by telling him - it's your decision and you've made it.

If you tell him he could
a) try to talk you out of it, unlikely, but you never know, so drama if you have an abortion, and drama if you keep it as doesn't sound like you think he'd hang around long term,
b) he's relieved that you're going to have an abortion, but decides the risk of it happening again is high, so breaks up with you, which you don't want,
c) you stay together and you resent him for not trying to persuade you to keep the baby, so you break up with him.

Tell a friend, but don't tell him.

This

I honestly feel so sad about it. I found out I was pregnant with this baby on my baby son’s 4th anniversary of passing

So wish things were different.

Agree - don't tell him if you decide to terminate - sounds like it will be really upsetting for you anyway and that will just compound it if he seems relieved/awkward etc. Especially if you want to carry on casual thing. However you do seem to be v decided on what is a good ‘catch’ and more material aspects - the world doesn’t always work like that though…the heart wants what it wants

If you are terminating for certain there is zero point telling him.

if you want the baby, have the baby don’t terminate for his parents?!?

You’re not in a relationship with this man. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you then he already would be. I can’t see any advantage to you of telling him.

Why cant you keep it?

If you’re not keeping the baby I wouldn’t tell him. He does t need to know. If you do tell him it will change everything as you are not in a relationship.

Has he got any kids already ? How old is he ?

I don’t understand the point in telling him if you are sure you’re having an abortion to be honest. You’re not in a relationship, you’ve only met up twice, you’re not keeping the baby, what would be the point?

You seem to have him on a pedestal... I suspect the difficulty you truly have here is the prospect of him not being on board, and raising the baby alone when you already have a lot on your plate at home which is a very fair reason to not have the baby.

If you want the baby, is there anyway you can make it work even if he's not on board? You're allowed to be happy too. But ofc if you don't have much support I can see why you are looking to gage if he'd be there for the baby. If this is the case and you're not sure, then tell him soon and go from there. Telling him may change your dynamic regardless.

DC is at school so I’d have time for baby 1-1 then. Holidays would be trickier. My mum would be excited. So would my sisters.

I could make it work but feel bad for him. It would be his first baby. I imagine he will want that to be with a long term partner/finance or wife. Not a divorced fling

He deserves that special experience with someone who can let him into their life completely and without loads of drama (I have a disabled child, as I say, so no rainbows here and almost certainly not a set up he imagines for himself as a successful and single 28 year old)

I think you’re putting him and his needs before your own. To me this is reading like you actually want to keep the baby but know he wouldn’t so you’re aborting for him. You don’t have to do this, you don’t owe him anything and barely even know him by the sound of things. Make sure whatever decision you make, it’s for you and your existing DC and not for him.

As for telling him, I probably also wouldn’t bother if you choose to terminate and I’d also rethink bothering to see him again too since it’s so casual anyway.

Surely if that’s true, I owe it to him not to saddle him with a newborn baby?

Personally I wouldn’t consider keeping the baby.

You barely know him, you’re already a single mum to a child with additional needs, you know he doesn’t want a baby, it isn’t in anyone’s best interests to bring a baby into this situation.

If I was a bloke and someone terminated my baby, I wouldn’t want to know.

He is as responsible as you are assuming it’s been unprotected sex. He ought to be with you to help make the decision, he may want a child he may not but please don't put him on a pedestal as pp said, he's just a bloke. Talk it through together and make a decision as grown up people.
if you want the baby then ultimately that is up to you of course.

I am also inclined to think that a termination is the best way forward but more because it wouldn’t be a good situation for the dc rather than your boyfriend. He is old enough to look after himself.
Wouldn’t tell him because it isn’t his business, it’s a casual relationship and you aren’t going ahead with the pregnancy.

Why not? I have to ask

Because it’s irrelevant really. If I was a man and a woman I slept with very casually fell pregnant and had an abortion, what difference would that make to my life? Why would I care? Not my partner, there isn’t going to be any baby, why would I want or need to know?

It would be the end of any sexual relationship with that person but that’s it really

Why would it be the end to any sexual relationship?

Are you hoping he might say he wants to keep it OP?

This man had sex with you so presumably he realised there was a chance you might become pregnant (without knowing what contraception you were using, if any, we don't know how much of a chance there was). Don't let your perception that you would be 'dragging him down' in some way convince you to have an abortion that you don't want. I am not saying you should continue with the pregnancy if you don't want to but it is not your responsibility to protect him from the consequences of his actions.