Overwhelmed by DHs family

[Parentsinlaw]

Dreary back story but basically FIL now lives very near us. As DH has a full time job and as I freelance, guess who gets to look after him. DH has agreed I’m not doing more than 2 hours a day for which I’ll get 25 ph.
ive been doing it for a year and feel like I’ve been fobbed off. So far I’ve had one weeks pay.
I have to stop what I’m doing and go make lunch or chat for 2 hours. It’s boring, but he’s ok. In the evening he’s got used to coming for dinner. So I cook dinner for us 3, and tidy after.
his sister lives abroad and has just been to look after him. she has worked out his budget and looked at his finances and taken him out with loud hints about having to get the bus. She has cooked here every night leaving a pile of dishes. She hasn’t cleaned the smelly carpet or done anything grim.
I was helping FIL pay bills and she told me to leave paperwork to her. So I left all the paperwork I thought could be thrown for her to sort, she hasn’t.
shes always come and been a whirlwind. I feel drained by her, now she’s gone, but today I stopped my work to get a birthday card for MIL from them and went to give FIL lunch. Then cooked him dinner. He watches football with DH there’s nowhere for me to sit other than my room - I hate football.
yesterday I spent the morning driving SIL to airport. SIL lies all the time, which makes me on edge and tired. SIL wants me to keep a book of everything her dad buys - like if he fills my car with petrol. I use it to drive him places.
in the meantime MIL calls ( she is in a home) everyone gets stressed because she can be demanding.
tonight I was a bit grumpy. DH said it’s because I’m drunk, I think I drank wine because I am feeling overwhelmed by his family. I took my dinner up to my room, as I hate football, it sounds so aggressive. And I am fed up of his dad, even though he’s ok, I don’t want to see him for 2 hours a day. And in the evening. But I don’t want him to feel unwelcome.
i can’t explain, but it’s not the physical time, it’s the phone calls, it’s the thinking ,’oh he needs an optician’ it’s the planning what to take him for lunch. I find it very draining and difficult to get back into the swing of things ( I’m a designer). I’m resentful of the sister taking money for airfares and taxis to visit, while I’m doing the drudgery bollocks. I’m also resentful because I couldn’t get to my mum when she had dementia - DH had been seriously ill.
what do I do?

Tell DH he has to step up himself, or but in some care for his Dad.

This is not down to you.

You are allowed to say no. This isn’t working for you. You aren’t doing it any more.

You sound as though you need a holiday, some where on your own for a couple of weeks, take a design project with you to get your spark back.
Leave DH and FiL to cope on their own.
When you get back, start a new regime, professional carers for FiL if he can afford it.
Or things like day care centres, lunch clubs etc.

Could FiL manage his own meals with things like ready meals for the elderly, there are dedicated companies that provide these.
Could he move into sheltered housing, this is often more available than you might expect.

Ignore the sister's demands. Start making demands of your own, such as getting the money you are owed. Let DH deal with his mother.
Keep your chin up!

Thank you guys!
thanks for the practical solutions and the flowers and keep your chin upadacoleman it means a lot!
I sort of have to do it to help DH who has a busy stressful job, so I need to suck it up, but i am feeling a bit overwhelmed tbh.
no more wine though!

If you were promised 25 pounds an hour, make up a list of all the hours you have done and havent yet been paid and give it to FIL and DH with a request to be paid and tell him you will not be doing any more cooking or helping until you have been paid in full

This!

They can sort him out themselves. Why should you keep doing it?

As someone who cared for their MIL while her kids did nothing, dont do it. I regret it immensely & they will never be greatful you did it when he passes.

Stop doing it.
Hand in your resignation tomorrow giving them 4 weeks notice to get something organised.
Your DH and SIL can pay carers to do it. Do NOT help them find carers or manage the carers leave it entirely up to them. They have been taking the piss.
You are a designer. Do your designing. Be firm.

It sounds like SIL has made you realise through her actions how much you are being treated like Cinderella.

I would take a bit of time to think about what you actually want before discussing it with your DH again. Some options which aren’t mutually exclusive :

1. Paid carers for FIL
2. The financial recompense you were promised for looking after FIL - personally I would work out how much you are technically owed for the past year and present that as a figure
3. A time limit on the arrangement
4. DH to talk to his Dsis and tell her that she can either step up and have FIL live with her or apologise and quit her criticism and suggestions that you are somehow taking FILs money when the opposite is true
5. Marriage counselling to work through why your DH thinks he can use you as an unpaid servant for his family- actually the correct term is slave

If you struggle to talk calmly you could email him this, but let Dsis visit be your wake up call !

NB when you say Dsis didn’t clean the smelly carpet do you mean that DF is incontinent ? If that’s the case honestly I would say that’s not acceptable that you’re having to deal with that as a DIL.

This. What you have described is way too much for one person (or even you and DH) to cope with. I agree with the suggestion of sheltered housing

Why do you have to care for FIL? Get carers in. Get SS in to organise a care package. Why are you passive about this?

I never quite get these threads.

Say No obviously. Stand up for yourself.

Why do the evenings need to be at your house? I think that you might feel better if you at least had the house to yourself in the evening, so tell DH he needs to go to FILs house to watch football.

I also think that bringing in careers would be a good idea to deal with the housework and FILs other needs. You don’t need to stop seeing him entirely, but it might feel less like you’re the housekeeper and more like a visitor.

I would suggest that if FIL can get the bus, he is encouraged to continue - making his world smaller by restricting where he can go, before it is needed, isn’t going to help anyone.

ETA - I agree with PPs - you are under no obligation to do any of this. You can and should say no, if it’s not working for you.

Stop looking after him. Get a job and say you no longer have the time. Why do you have to look after your husband’s family? If you don’t want to, you don’t have to. If they can pay you, they can pay carers.

Why do you gave up buy a card for your MIL? Is your husband really that busy?!

Stop doing it and get carers in.

Defo make a list of stuff and say to sister in law “thanks for taking over dealing with all this stuff, Im exhausted trying to work and do it all. It is indeed best that it’s a blood relative dealing with it and DH can do it so it’s great you can.

“I was to be paid £25 an hour so Ive detailed it all for you here’s the detailed ‘bill’ as I was only paid once, thanks again it’s so good of you, your dads a lovely man and im happy to still do xyz but a paid home help or whatever will probably be required for the rest of it all as you like me won’t have time for it all when working during the day yourself. Would you like me to help you out for a few weeks until you arrange staff? I have another job kicking off on xxx date so we can do it between us till then and share it out evenly”.

And stick to your guns. You may have to gwt DH involved. It’s between him and her and he’s probably more able to push back at her than you when the inevitable happens abd she baulks.

Jesus you can have some wine op! I have no words..... you take on all this and havent been paid the £25 you were promised FOR A YEAR??
Now you are berating yourself for having a glass of wine?? And worse, so is your DH?
Op please open your eyes, you are being used and abused by DH and his sister.
You really don't have to do this. I would engineer going away for work for 2 or 3 whole months. Can you work from anywhere? That will force them to put systems in place.
Then don't get sucked in again when you get back.
OK I know that might be difficult but can you try and see a way out?
Also does FIL really really need the level of support you're giving?
But at the very least tot up what you are owed and DEMAND your pay. Then refuse to fo any more until a DD is set up

Tell your husband that from 1st November you are not doing the caring role for his father. He needs to do it or he needs to organise professional carers. Perhaps host one evening per week at your house.

Did you post about this before? Details seem similar- if not apologies.

They are utterly taking the piss out of you. You are working unpaid and don't have the enjoyment of your own home.

The only person who can change this is you.

Step one, go on strike immediately. Do nothing and refuse to discuss anything until you are paid in full. Do not go to his house. Do not cook for them - nothing.

They will stomp and fuss. You hold your ground. Just keep calmly insisting on payment.

Step two. Once they have paid in full, only then tell them that you quit.

Their only incentive to pay you is to get you to fall in line. Get the money then refuse to do it any more.

Do not be swayed, do not be guilt tripped. These people do not give a fuck about you.

If husband is home every evening for dinner he does have time to go to his Dad's, heat up and marks and spencer ready meal, tidy up and then head home to you.

Stop being a doormat.

You sound like a lovely woman who has generously put everyone else’s needs above hers. But this needs to stop for your own wellbeing. Would your DH be looking after your parent if the roles were reversed? I suspect not. I think work out what you are happy to do and the rest your DH needs to work out. I think going away is a good idea because he will have to find solutions. Maybe sell it as a work trip and basically just not be around. Not your job to work out what happens next. He’s being lazy and is completely taking you for granted. There may well be no ill intent but it’s just the easy option to have you do things. I also am annoyed that the fact you work freelance is taken to mean that you have all the time in the world to do these things. Not fair at all and not respectful of what you do. I think you need to set new boundaries eg sister needs to go to airport, sorry I’ve got a work meeting but here’s the taxi number
I hope some positive solutions can be found. Best wishes.

Just here to say that many women have to fit caring around a full time job so your DH does not get a pass for that.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him everything you’ve said here, he needs to hear exactly how you feel. I wouldn’t stand for your SIL cooking and messing up your kitchen, he needs to deal with that firmly.

You’re a team so of course you need to support him, but the key word is support, not relieve him of his responsibilities.

I would seek therapy to work through your entire understandable feelings of resentment over your DM. He can’t really fix that unfortunately but therapy might help.

This is financial abuse, OP. You should have been paid £50 per day, for the last year. You are therefore owed £18,250. Would you let any other employer treat you this way? Submit an invoice to your husband and FIL, and refuse to do any more care until it is paid.
You say you have to do it - you don't. They can pay for carers, or ask for a Social Services assessment. Don't let your husband walk all over you because, at the moment, that is what's happening.