Overwhelmed by DHs family

[Parentsinlaw]

Dreary back story but basically FIL now lives very near us. As DH has a full time job and as I freelance, guess who gets to look after him. DH has agreed I’m not doing more than 2 hours a day for which I’ll get 25 ph.
ive been doing it for a year and feel like I’ve been fobbed off. So far I’ve had one weeks pay.
I have to stop what I’m doing and go make lunch or chat for 2 hours. It’s boring, but he’s ok. In the evening he’s got used to coming for dinner. So I cook dinner for us 3, and tidy after.
his sister lives abroad and has just been to look after him. she has worked out his budget and looked at his finances and taken him out with loud hints about having to get the bus. She has cooked here every night leaving a pile of dishes. She hasn’t cleaned the smelly carpet or done anything grim.
I was helping FIL pay bills and she told me to leave paperwork to her. So I left all the paperwork I thought could be thrown for her to sort, she hasn’t.
shes always come and been a whirlwind. I feel drained by her, now she’s gone, but today I stopped my work to get a birthday card for MIL from them and went to give FIL lunch. Then cooked him dinner. He watches football with DH there’s nowhere for me to sit other than my room - I hate football.
yesterday I spent the morning driving SIL to airport. SIL lies all the time, which makes me on edge and tired. SIL wants me to keep a book of everything her dad buys - like if he fills my car with petrol. I use it to drive him places.
in the meantime MIL calls ( she is in a home) everyone gets stressed because she can be demanding.
tonight I was a bit grumpy. DH said it’s because I’m drunk, I think I drank wine because I am feeling overwhelmed by his family. I took my dinner up to my room, as I hate football, it sounds so aggressive. And I am fed up of his dad, even though he’s ok, I don’t want to see him for 2 hours a day. And in the evening. But I don’t want him to feel unwelcome.
i can’t explain, but it’s not the physical time, it’s the phone calls, it’s the thinking ,’oh he needs an optician’ it’s the planning what to take him for lunch. I find it very draining and difficult to get back into the swing of things ( I’m a designer). I’m resentful of the sister taking money for airfares and taxis to visit, while I’m doing the drudgery bollocks. I’m also resentful because I couldn’t get to my mum when she had dementia - DH had been seriously ill.
what do I do?

Absolutely. You do not need to suck this up. And very good idea about evenings/football taking place at FIL house

Stop being a pushover and stand up for yourself.

Tell them to take the £25 PH and pay someone else to do it.

Your husband isn’t showing you any respect by letting you do this. I would resent him.

Out if interest, who was going to be paying this £25/hr, the FiL?

Regardless, I think you need to decide what you are happy to do, then have a proper talk with DH to say, these are my boundaries - and then stick to them.

Oh love this is no way to live - Caring is exhausting enough without having someone accusing basically of exploiting the situation for financial gain.

Some of the pps have been brilliant. I especially like the idea of telling dsis to shut up or do it herself. Use the £25 per hour to pay for a cleaner and give yourself a day off every week. Lots of cleaners are lovely and will happily chat to an old man and make him a sandwich for lunch.

How many hours per week does your dh spend with his dad? I definitely agree that you should send him over to his dad once a or twice a week - you can make an “easy” dinner that he can take round and reheat (eg pasta, a casserole, jambalaya).

You need a break from all of this.

If you decide not to claim the money you are owed, as others have said you are entitled to point out that a considerable amount of money (which should have gone to you) has been saved and can be used towards other care for your FIL.

SIL shouldn’t be using his money to visit him, I feel. Presumably she wants to visit her dad?

Everything has been covered by previous posters who have given you some great suggestions to consider. You are definitely being taken for granted and need to start putting your own needs first. I would feel very resentful if I were in your shoes. I don’t know your personality and you may be someone who finds it hard to state your needs. Write everything down like you have here to help you raise the issues; the facts can’t be disputed. You’ve got your life to live OP 💐

His sister can take all that money as they are saving so much by your free labour. Everyone's reaction to you standing your ground will tell you how you are viewed

You’re being walked over. From your DH, your FIL and your SIL.
I agree with the poster who said to take yourself off somewhere for a couple of weeks with a design project and let them see just how much you’re doing. For nothing!

You are being exploited and financially abused.

You need to stop being a doormat and insist husband and siblings arrange proper, paid for carers to look after their father, or consider having him put in a home.

My db and myself both worked full time. Me in a very stressful job and a single parent.

We looked after dm between us. Db would take a meal up every night whatever his family were having, they just cooked a bit extra. We did hospital appts and bits of other stuff. Nothing like you’re doing.

What I’m trying to say is, it is possible to work full time and be there for an elderly parent. But you can’t do it all. You are delivering a bespoke package.

Not sure it’s anyone else has suggested it but FIL may be eligible for Attendance Allowance so get you DH to look into it (not you).
You’ve had some great advice on here. I think you should definitely invoice for your back pay to make a point - you are owed this money as that was the agreement. Then resign!
Does your DH appreciate the negative impact on you of the arrangements? Has he noticed you are unhappy? If not - you have to tell him. He may be sticking his head in the sand to make his own life easy…..

You don't have to do any of it. Not even cooking for anyone. Free yourself.

Your husband doesn't appreciate your work, so just put a stop to it.

Him and his sibling can figure out how to cook and provide care work to their father, it's fine.

@Parentsinlaw Are you in the U.K.? If so, Wiltshire Farm Foods and Oakhouse Foods are a couple of reputable companies that deliver ready made meals.
A friend's Mum used WFF, she would have one of the meals at lunch time, then in the evening she would have a sandwich and one of the WFF puddings, it worked well for her for many years when she was in her 80s and 90s.

Another idea is to check what services your FiL's local council offer. Some offer "meals on wheels" for example.

Your SiL sounds a right piece of work! Is she implying that you are taking advantage of her Dad?! Stand up for yourself, don't let her bully you @Parentsinlaw.

You are being used as an unpaid carer. Why isn't your husband doing more for HIS Dad???!! If your husband can't do more, then your FIL needs outside help. Your husband needs to look into having a carer/home help to come in and make lunch/dinner for your FIL. It's not your responsibility to be looking after your FIL, and at the same time deal with your MIL and SIL!! You need to serious talk with your husband, and tell him you are no longer taking on the responsibility of his family. You aren't obliged, just because you're married!! As for keeping tabs on what your FIL is spending, this is your husband's responsibility, not yours!

"I sort of have to do it to help DH who has a busy stressful job"

No. You absolutely do not have to do it. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. I'll say it again - you do not have to do it.

Tell your DH that enough is enough, and you can't do it any more. He and other blood relatives will have to work out a plan, which could include having carers go in to see the FIL or he goes into supported accommodation, or whatever else, but you simply cannot do it any more.

Someone needs to take out POA over the FIL's affairs, and that should definitely not be you. Someone also needs to contact social services to conduct a care needs assessment, and the person contacting them should not be you either.

If I were you, I'd book a fortnight's holiday somewhere quiet - like a retreat or a cottage or similar, where you can carry on with your freelance work uninterrupted, and where you can concentrate on being you again. It will also concentrate your DH's mind into realising that he cannot rely on you, and he is going to have to step up and DO something about this.

You don't have a FIL problem, you have a DH (and SIL) problem. Put your foot down and make them take the responsibility.

You have it in your power to get this sorted, but only if you down tools and go on strike.

I don't think you should have een asked to do this, OP. It's really taking advantage of you. As for SIL asking you to keep note of expenses; I'd be concerned she might make something out of nothing, especially as she lies, and stir up trouble.

Time for them to get a carer to look after him and leave you to get on with your own life. You're not obliged to care for your FIL.

Are social services involved at all?

But you don’t have to do it. If he can afford to pay, then buy in care. Your DH’s ‘stressful’ job does not equate to you being made to work for no pay when the deal was £25 ph. Stop being a doormat.

And mean it! Strike, strike! If he can get on a bus, then he can do basics.

Where did the sil get money from? Her dad? If so, that’s pretty disgraceful that you’ve had nothing. This absolutely is not your responsibility. One imagines you’re making the evening meal too. Tell (don’t ask!) your dh that fil’s visits are going down to once a week. Why the hell are you being relegated to the bedroom so they can exclusively watch football? I’m appalled! Dh can go round to his dad’s once or twice to watch football so you’re not banished from your own lounge.

As mentioned on another forum in a soon to be similar situation, a warden controlled flat would be better and some counselling for you and your Dh so he can see how extremely unfair this situation is for you.

OMG you spend time with him at lunchtime then he comes for 2hours every evening - nightmare.
Is there no one else ? Carers, a cleaner who makes a sandwich for his lunch before she goes, cheap lunches at the local church/ pub / Care home/ cafe.

Surely he can spend 2hours watching football in his own home. And if his DD wants stuff done a certain way she does it.
I couldn’t stand this.

yes do your designing and get your NI paid up. Don't let your employment take a back seat whilst you are working for zero wages for your FIL, SIL and DH . You didn't even agree to any of this.

You've been defrauded of promised wages for a year.
Its not two hours a day ( I hope that's not 7 days a week!) Its two hours plus every evening.

Even if you do agree to go in part time.... he has to hire a cleaner. and he should also be getting meals on wheels... so that you know he's got a visit and lunch on certain days. your FIL could be having paid help to make his life more comfortable and to make life easier for all of you .

You are literally being used by your "very busy" husband and his whirlwind sister and as for writing down how much petrol FIL pays for when you are driving him around.. What an absolute utter cheek! Tell her to do one You are NOT her servant. She is using you to save money for her inheritance... when your FIL could be having paid help to make his life more comfortable and to make life easier for you as you are still the nearest relatives. It should'nt be taking over your life like this.

. She basically came back to give you a performance review and leave fresh orders... Tell her to f off and tell DH you won't put up with it again.

. If it wasn't for the day in , day out unrelenting and unthanked nature of the whole thing, you would be a lot happier to have FIL round in the evenings. YOu are letting DH and SIL make all the decisions, but they are deciding how you spend your time without asking you.

Sorry, if I am repeating any above posts, which I mostly totally agree with, or if I have missed replies - Whow - this isn't your own dad, or your child, he isn't your responsibility (but you are so very kind for caring so much about this) - he is your DHs (+ siblings) own father - I cannot understand why this is all being put on you? If it WAS your own dad, would DH be so helpful as you are being?? Even without the original agreement for paid care - which, believe me, would be a pretty penny more than £25 for professional care.

Why does your FIL actually require 'care' - is he very lonely / disabled / depressed? - maybe contact AGE UK (or really, maybe get your DH to do so, just a phone call to start the 'process') - they have volunteers, plus paid carers who may be able to help?

Suggest 'Menshare' / 'Manshed' or similar for FIL if there is a group in your area - aimed at men of all ages who are finding life in general difficult for whatever reason & want friendship / company / share hobbies with other similar men (there are SO many) - Is FIL able to do anything for himself, or has he just got used to leaving it all up to you? (OK to watch the footie, as long as you have given him dinner etc)....

Enjoy your wine, ignore the judgemental (guilt related) comments from DH (I would maybe be on my 2nd bottle by now I think, and wandering around the internet for things I enjoy reading about, playing games for fun, lol....) - and your comment about your own mum is so sad - where was DH then?

Sorry if not much help, but you sound like a grounded professional caring woman - you are not an 'easy way out' for DH + his families responsibilities.
Please make this week the week that you make that change, and please update us on how it goes? 🌹🍸xx Good luck xx
(maybe show DH this thread??)

You don't HAVE to do anything. They're a bunch of piss takers. Hand in your notice

Thank you very much everyone. I have read DH the riot act, and he has got his father to set up a standing order so I am at least getting paid now by FIL. DH says it will be difficult to get back pay, which I am actually a bit cross about now I think about it as I have been reminding DH for a long time and he’s been making excuses. I believe he doesn’t want his dad to feel unwanted. His sister patronizing/ controlling may also be putting him off, but now I’m typing this out and supported by your views, I am getting a mite cheesed off.
SIL is returning next week as she found a cheap flight. ( and she’s alone that weekend) She is asking me to make a list of things that need doing ‘dad wise’ im irritated because why am I making the list of things to do? SIL has been here recently, can’t she see what needs doing? and now MIL (in a home a long way away) has a list of shopping she’d like me to get.
Also I’m irritated as MIL offered me money to take friends out to dinner for my birthday. Unsurprisingly no money has tuned up. She said to get it off FIL who doesn’t remember her mentioning it. Am I being greedy if I ask her how much she meant? And to then ask FIL for the money? DH thinks I shouldn’t.
I want us to go away the weekend while SIL is here, DH lets me look at hotels then says we’re broke this month.
aggh.

Just stop doing it-say no. Nobody will appreciate it.