Overwhelmed by DHs family

[Parentsinlaw]

Dreary back story but basically FIL now lives very near us. As DH has a full time job and as I freelance, guess who gets to look after him. DH has agreed I’m not doing more than 2 hours a day for which I’ll get 25 ph.
ive been doing it for a year and feel like I’ve been fobbed off. So far I’ve had one weeks pay.
I have to stop what I’m doing and go make lunch or chat for 2 hours. It’s boring, but he’s ok. In the evening he’s got used to coming for dinner. So I cook dinner for us 3, and tidy after.
his sister lives abroad and has just been to look after him. she has worked out his budget and looked at his finances and taken him out with loud hints about having to get the bus. She has cooked here every night leaving a pile of dishes. She hasn’t cleaned the smelly carpet or done anything grim.
I was helping FIL pay bills and she told me to leave paperwork to her. So I left all the paperwork I thought could be thrown for her to sort, she hasn’t.
shes always come and been a whirlwind. I feel drained by her, now she’s gone, but today I stopped my work to get a birthday card for MIL from them and went to give FIL lunch. Then cooked him dinner. He watches football with DH there’s nowhere for me to sit other than my room - I hate football.
yesterday I spent the morning driving SIL to airport. SIL lies all the time, which makes me on edge and tired. SIL wants me to keep a book of everything her dad buys - like if he fills my car with petrol. I use it to drive him places.
in the meantime MIL calls ( she is in a home) everyone gets stressed because she can be demanding.
tonight I was a bit grumpy. DH said it’s because I’m drunk, I think I drank wine because I am feeling overwhelmed by his family. I took my dinner up to my room, as I hate football, it sounds so aggressive. And I am fed up of his dad, even though he’s ok, I don’t want to see him for 2 hours a day. And in the evening. But I don’t want him to feel unwelcome.
i can’t explain, but it’s not the physical time, it’s the phone calls, it’s the thinking ,’oh he needs an optician’ it’s the planning what to take him for lunch. I find it very draining and difficult to get back into the swing of things ( I’m a designer). I’m resentful of the sister taking money for airfares and taxis to visit, while I’m doing the drudgery bollocks. I’m also resentful because I couldn’t get to my mum when she had dementia - DH had been seriously ill.
what do I do?

And I’d be telling SIL where to stuff her little notebook

Honestly, you have a DH problem. You skim over the worst bits in your posts, but he is the one you made vows with, but he's breaking them. He shouts at you, manipulates you, treats you like a skivvy who also has to bring him money.

You need to leave your husband.

You've had some good advice, OP and I'm glad to see you're taking some of it up.

I was particularly incensed that your DH has apparently decided you shouldn't get back pay. Why is it his decision? And why would it make FiL feel less wanted than setting up the regular deposit if he was always aware he should have been paying you that? I would consider telling DH you aren't happy about it. You want the lump sum and you want it to buy yourself a treat with as you've been putting up with too much. Or he can do the work for the next year while you get paid so that it's his sacrifice he's happy to give away for free. And when you get it, go away with a friend for a few weekends, or buy yourself some jewelry, or expensive new clothes, or a course somewhere, or an insulated shed for the garden you can set up as a room of your own to get away from them and the football in the evenings, or any other thing that might make you feel good about yourself (though I suspect just standing up for yourself will do a substantial amount on that front).

It’s time for your husband and his sister to put their hands in their pockets and pay for proper care for their father. Or do it all themselves. No wonder you’re resentful and fed up.

All of them are piss takers. You are a sucker for allowing this to happen.

I’m a bit judgmental tbh on you wanting £25 ph to look after a close family member. Sorry.

Why doesn’t your DH use that money to buy in proper professional help?

Of course you don’t have to do it. Your partner could get a different job that allows him to do it, or they could pay for carers.

Just say no.

Because he would have to actually pay them on time with no drama, guilt tripping or piss-taking.

Exactly this!

Yes. the half the back pay business was really annoying.

Fil agreed to pay.. Go back and ask him for the rest and that's that.

Tell DH the quicker this is sorted. The quicker you can both stop discussing it.

Also. Insist they Hire a cleaner for FIl.. it will take a lot of the load off you. Its another person checking up on him and one less day you have to be there.

PLEASE remember that you need to be working and paying NI or your pension will suffer... not sils not DH's - yours.

Sorry you are going through this.

How is your DH paying you £25 per hour when all money is joint in a marriage anyway? Sounds like financial abuse.

It's FIL paying it, not DH. Which is right, as OP is working for FIL in providing care/domestic services

From what OP has posted, it is FiL paying her the money. Not DH.

But regardless, money in a marriage is only joint if both parties agree. It’s only on divorce that you legally have a “joint” claim on assets (and even then some things - like the inheritance that DH has said will make up for the lack of back pay - can beheld separate).

It sounds like you're carrying a heavy load, and it’s understandable why you feel overwhelmed. It’s important to set clearer boundaries with your DH, especially since he agreed to a 2-hour daily limit but it’s still piling up. Have a direct conversation with him about how much you're doing and how you need more support.
You could also talk to SIL about the imbalance—she can't just handle the "easy" parts and leave you with the rest. Maybe ask her to take on more tasks, especially the ones related to finances or meal prep.
Most importantly, prioritize self-care. You need time for yourself, even if it’s just an hour to breathe without worrying about FIL’s needs. You can’t do everything, and it’s okay to step back sometimes.
Have a calm chat with DH about how you feel, and make sure there’s more of a shared responsibility for caregiving. You deserve support too!

This will only continue so long as you allow it to.

This is your husband's responsibility, not yours. I would stop nearly all of this, immediately. You don't have to cut your FIL out of your life or be unkind, which I don't get the impression you ever would be, but you can pop in for a moment here or there with some fresh fruit or a flower to brighten his day and let your husband handle the brunt of the actual responsibility.

As for your SIL, that should 100% all be on your husband. Communication, demands. ALL of it.

If the situation were reversed, would your husband be expected to do all this for your family?

Your husband not only takes you for granted but is using you. Sounds like your SIL is right behind him in line. Must be nice for the two actual children to dump all this off on you!