Overwhelmed by DHs family

[Parentsinlaw]

Dreary back story but basically FIL now lives very near us. As DH has a full time job and as I freelance, guess who gets to look after him. DH has agreed I’m not doing more than 2 hours a day for which I’ll get 25 ph.
ive been doing it for a year and feel like I’ve been fobbed off. So far I’ve had one weeks pay.
I have to stop what I’m doing and go make lunch or chat for 2 hours. It’s boring, but he’s ok. In the evening he’s got used to coming for dinner. So I cook dinner for us 3, and tidy after.
his sister lives abroad and has just been to look after him. she has worked out his budget and looked at his finances and taken him out with loud hints about having to get the bus. She has cooked here every night leaving a pile of dishes. She hasn’t cleaned the smelly carpet or done anything grim.
I was helping FIL pay bills and she told me to leave paperwork to her. So I left all the paperwork I thought could be thrown for her to sort, she hasn’t.
shes always come and been a whirlwind. I feel drained by her, now she’s gone, but today I stopped my work to get a birthday card for MIL from them and went to give FIL lunch. Then cooked him dinner. He watches football with DH there’s nowhere for me to sit other than my room - I hate football.
yesterday I spent the morning driving SIL to airport. SIL lies all the time, which makes me on edge and tired. SIL wants me to keep a book of everything her dad buys - like if he fills my car with petrol. I use it to drive him places.
in the meantime MIL calls ( she is in a home) everyone gets stressed because she can be demanding.
tonight I was a bit grumpy. DH said it’s because I’m drunk, I think I drank wine because I am feeling overwhelmed by his family. I took my dinner up to my room, as I hate football, it sounds so aggressive. And I am fed up of his dad, even though he’s ok, I don’t want to see him for 2 hours a day. And in the evening. But I don’t want him to feel unwelcome.
i can’t explain, but it’s not the physical time, it’s the phone calls, it’s the thinking ,’oh he needs an optician’ it’s the planning what to take him for lunch. I find it very draining and difficult to get back into the swing of things ( I’m a designer). I’m resentful of the sister taking money for airfares and taxis to visit, while I’m doing the drudgery bollocks. I’m also resentful because I couldn’t get to my mum when she had dementia - DH had been seriously ill.
what do I do?

It’s funny how so many women let their husbands take the absolute piss out of them but it’s only when a woman enters the scene they finally get fired up enough to say something.

SIL is more savvy than you and has been demanding her expenses. She may well be selfish as well I don’t know, but you CHOSE to let them get away with not paying you the 18K and that’s on you.

But overall you have a husband problem not a SIL problem. And you also have a problem with boundaries.

Stand up for yourself! Say to your husband you do have money for a weekend away since you’ve got an extra 1K coming in from now on since your FIL is supposedly going to be paying you.

DH does get it, I think sort of. Anyway he promised me dinner out, he bought in an oven meal on Friday which he reheated tonight. I mentioned the offered dinner out but he said it’s a wet night and this is much nicer..so I said we could have a dinner out when we go away for the weekend then. I want to escape SIL - so does he. As I re read this it sounds terrible! A treat is a ready meal ( a posh one) and no FIL over for dinner for two whole nights. And chance to watch tv together. AIBU to think that reads a bit rubbish?

He has downgraded from a weekend away to that?

How long has he been taking the piss out of you, OP?

Please raise your standards and get a backbone, of course this is rubbish.

And who is he to decide unilaterally that a ready meal is nicer than a dinner out on a wet evening?

Sweet Jesus, OP. Why are you tolerating all of this?!

Thanks rainey cross post, I think you’ve summed it up. Thanks, hard to know what’s fair when you’re in the middle of it.

Yes to all of this!

You’re welcome. And excuse my blunt wording but honestly OP please take stock of your life and the relationships in it - especially your marriage - and stand up for yourself. He takes you for granted and doesn’t follow through on a lot of what he promises!

I know it’s easier said than done but something needs to change. You will end up burning yourself out and/or getting stress related illness if you’re not careful. This happens to women a lot.

And I’m not sure if your husband and his family will be rallying around you if that were to happen. Take care of yourself.

forzainey because I’m actually not sure what’s reasonable any more. It all sounds reasonable, but somehow I feel like crap.
rainey thank you for your reply! I need to view my situation from the outside as it were. I am actually concerned for my mental health ( cliche!) but yes, feeling dragged down and suffocated.

Firstly get the payment your owed for the past year, then start a non negotiable deal of getting paid in advance for the hours you put it. They broke their side of the deal by not paying you, so you need to stand up for yourself and say no pay no care... simple set your boundaries stop being a doormat for all of them to walk over you.

You need to just stop doing this all together.

They’re taking advantage of you, everyone in the situation even your husband.

This. And the money is just a side issue. The big issue is the amount o f care you’re expected to provide.

My DH would not dare replace a weekend away with a ready meal

This. Especially your husband.

I agree with ppl above, you need to stop otvall. You are being taken advantage of and are clearly unhappy.

Thank you! Ive told DH I’m resigning and he finally got FIL to pay me a regular transfer. DH happy as it helps bills.
I think the main challenge is that I suspect DH wants me just where he wants me so he has an easy life. He makes supportive noises though so I don’t know and am very confused.
No back dated pay as he doesn’t want his dad to be upset. He says not to worry as (his therapist said) don’t worry about the odd 1000, you’ll inherit a lot. But I find that galling, I don’t know why. Maybe because SIL will inherit half, so she’s getting half of my time for free . Or is that petty? Help! i do feel undervalued somehow. It’s also to do with his mum promising me £ as a birthday present. I’ve said a delighted thank you and Of course I’ve not received however much it was supposed to be, and DH says forget it, you’ll appear greedy/petty/ he doesn’t want FIL to be stressed. It’s not the money it’s the acknowledgment somehow.

Sorry, a bit more.. SIL is about to swan in again. She saw a cheap (only 900$ flight that daddy is paying) and is flying across to have a break, I mean help. she’s asked me to write the list of what to do. She was here a few weeks ago, didn’t she notice?
she lies a lot and she creates chaos while appearing very managerial, without actually doing anything. (unless it’s very visible) very manipulative.
I feel like she sees me as the lowest of staff. I’m there to facilitate ( our house for cooking and dinner, me as taxi) It shouldn’t be draining and affecting my self esteem but I feel like I have MUG across my forehead.
sorry rambling. I think you are all right, it doesn’t feel right but I genuinely struggle to know what to do about it. Feeling a bit un listened to and trapped tbh. Kids are just off to uni. And I thought I’d be free to do my work and suddenly it’s the emotional load as much as anything, of planning drs appointments etc for another person. 2 hours a day and most evenings doesn’t sound much but it is grinding. Mainly because I feel such a cow for leaving him - he’s never lived alone before. But then I sound spoilt as others do worse and DH has a v stressful job.
I have got DH to take us away the weekend when she’s here though.
I think I need to be much clearer about what I want,but am admitting I find it hard to know what’s fair but I need some help. tips please!

Oh my god this is insanity. Absolutely get the back pay for starters. No one gives a fuck about upsetting you. Write a list of all the things that you do and cost them out. On top of your 2 hours. Cost out the shit jobs and the paperwork. Make it more inconvenient for DH & his sister to piss you off than ask his dad for the money.

And yes to your DH going to his Dads to watch the fucking TV which would give you some time to catch up for work (while making your days miserably long).

I feel like I have MUG across my forehead

Yes. So stop it, for goodness sake. Stand up for yourself. Say ‘no’. Take control of your life.

Well done on your update OP.This is a long ingrained dynamic and it’s hard to challenge it.
I don’t know what your joint finances are, but if you and DH have anything separate then I would be pushing for the birthday money at the very least. DH may inherit the money, but that’s not the same as you is it ?

I have found with my parents- and at least they are mine and not ILs - that the worrying, resentment and emotion around what is needed to be done exhausts me. If I could just get on and do it and not think about it, I would be a lot happier but it’s easier said than done.

I would interact as little as possible with the SIL. On the list respond something like “Oh you got a good handle on the situation last time” and refuse to be engaged anymore. I write a list for DH when he goes up to my DPs but then he’s their SIL so it is my primary responsibility to know what needs done. She is just asking so she can say, well I asked how I could help and SIL excluded me, she’s so controlling”

Or if you wanted to play devils advocate, put in all the really rubbish jobs - rent carpet cleaner and clean carpets, go through drawer of old paperwork etc. etc.

It's nice to see an update @Parentsinlaw, but you've still got a long way to go!
I think you need to dig your heels in about getting all the payment they owe you. It's all very well saying DH doesn't want to upset FiL but what about you being upset? Where do you come in DH's hierarchy of people he does not want to upset?
I would put money on them stopping your payments after a few weeks, just like they did last time.

As for the SiL, I'd make her a list of all the worst jobs, and tell her you will be checking to see they've been done, because you noticed last time that she hadn't done anything. Also tell her that she should eat at FiL's, as she makes too much mess in your kitchen.

Be brave and stand up for yourself. Stop trying to please other people and start pleasing yourself!

This rookiemere - ‘that the worrying, resentment and emotion around what is needed to be done exhausts me.’
Sorry you are going through this.
It IS exhausting. luckily it’s exhausting DH as well so he is beginning to get it. I’ve also been Banging On Very A Lot. It’s very helpful to know I’m not being greedy/selfish thanks to your posts. Very appreciated.
I threatened to resign! And he has finally got some back pay for me! Just under half, he said he could have got more and FIL was happy to pay, but he felt awful at asking for it. Well OK, I do get that, but don’t start yelling at me when I don’t earn enough for you with freelance. Humpf.
But I’m pleased - it’s less about the money (tho that’s nice) and more about feeling taken for granted by everyone. 9 months of nursing him back to health in our home. it was affecting my self esteem. I told DH he has 2 weeks to sort it and if SIL is the teensiest bit critical Of Anything she can start looking for a carer , - she bought a book and wants me to write everything in it - if FIL puts petrol in the car for example, I’m supposed to note it. I mean, what? Who put her in charge over DH and FIL.
thank you for the tips re SIL. Cleaning carpets it is. This made me not laugh, but wake up a bit more, these are the jobs I’ve been doing! ..‘Or if you wanted to play devils advocate, put in all the really rubbish jobs - rent carpet cleaner and clean carpets, go through drawer of old paperwork etc. etc.’
and this made me laugh too.
‘As for the SiL, I'd make her a list of all the worst jobs, and tell her you will be checking to see they've been done, because you noticed last time that she hadn't done anything. Also tell her that she should eat at FiL's, as she makes too much mess in your kitchen.’ 😀
Hopefully my spine is growing. Thank you all. You are so helpful - and I really appreciate you taking the time to write.

So FiL would have happily paid you the money you are owed, BUT your DH turned it down because HE felt awful for asking!!

You need to start dealing with FiL directly where finances are concerned, as DH hasn't got your best interests at heart. Of course, it isn't DH who has been doing all the hard demanding caring is it.

SiL and the book....just hand it back to her saying that you are not going to do that. They either trust you, or they don't. If they don't trust you to care for FiL then they can find someone else.

I'm glad to hear you're working on your backbone! !

I’m sorry OP but I can’t believe that this family - your husband, his sister, his mother, his father - have taken over your life to the extent you couldnt care for your own mother because you were caring for one of them, and now you’re caring for another while a third “manages” you. And your husband not only doesn’t mind his family using you in this way, he wants you to do more in the form of enabling his sister by not telling her where to go, not “upsetting” your FIL by asking for what he owes you and indeed seems happy to give, having a go at your for not bringing in more money when he’s the reason you’re not making money in the first place.

Has this family been a net positive in your life? Do they bring you more than they take from you?

Taking care of a family member seems to be the least appreciated seemingly never ending job that no one else wants to do but is an expert in how it should be done.

my lovely co worker has been taking care of her DM for yrs and recently her Dsis demanded she start keeping a spreadsheet of all expenses. Like she can’t be trusted with DM money just DM life!

op good advice on here. Stop doing so much. No one appreciates it. Work for money only and limit what you do on a weekly basis not a daily basis. Helping FIL daily is too much. If DH and his Dsis think it’s too expensive they can hire someone and see what it really costs

You don't need to suck it up though, he's not your responsibility in the first place.
My elderly neighbour complained to me that his dil doesn't do anything for him. He has a son who turns up sometimes but no more, why are women seen as the default carers for spouses older /elderly relatives? I get some cultures and if you choose to do it but even so.

I’m glad you’re getting some good advice and starting to demand to be treated with respect. Even better would be to quit the care and focus on your design work. You and DP are equally important human beings. It’s 2025, you should not be putting your life on the back burner and scrubbing carpets. If FIL can pay you, he can pay someone that’s looking for that kind of work! You’re not Cinderella.