If you aren't letting your year 7 child have a phone, what are your expectations from other parents in terms of making social plans?

[moresoup]

Just DD is busy organising getting together with her new secondary school friends on Saturday, but one girl doesn't have a phone. Luckily I know this girls mum so I've been messaging her during the week as their plans form. But the rest of the girls are making the plan over WhatsApp, and I just wonder what the etiquette is /should be?
I was the girl who didn't have a lot of "normal" things growing up (eg TV) because my parents didn't approve so I am really keen to make sure the girls without phones aren't inadvertently left out

Do they have a landline phone? Your DD might need to go old school and phone her. Or does this other girl have access to an iPad or laptop so she can message/email from there?

Surely they see each other 5 days a week, that's loads of time to make plans. I work in criminal justice/public protection and if you'd seen a smidge of what I've seen you wouldn't give an 11 year old a smartphone or WhatsApp however locked down you think it is.

Landline phone is a good idea , I will get my daughter to ask her for the number and call her

Surely you can just message the mum and say ‘the girls are meeting at xx at 2pm on Sat. They’d love xx to join them’??!

This isn't about the rights and wrongs of phones, it's about how to ensure girls in the friendship group that don't have one aren't left out of plans.

My daughter barely uses her phone because she has a very time consuming hobby and we also spend lots of time together as a family, but she does use it to stay in touch with friends.

And that's why I said they see each other 5 days a week that's loads of time to make plans

I am happy doing that, but it's a biggish group and they are discussing the plans. Also if I am working I won't necessarily be able to message. I guess the girl needs to make sure all the other mums have her mums number too?

I am trying to be helpful, but also mindful that it's a tricky dynamic

not if the plans aren't crystallising till the last minute.

But yeah, I guess if I take your approach I don't need to message this girls mum at all, and it's down to this girl whether the plan is firmed up (with parents on board for lifts ) by the end of the school week ? I guess that is my question, am I doing the right thing making sure I get the details and message this girls mum, or should I leave the girls to figure out the solution?

Honestly I wouldn’t waste my time getting involved. They can sort it out between them at school. Other than telling my DD “make sure X isn’t left out because she’s not in the WhatsApp” I wouldn’t do anything further. (My DD is also in year 7)

I’m a year 7 tutor this year and pleasantly surprised by the number of year 7 without a phone - as far as I know at least two have a WhatsApp group on their mothers phone that they can access for stuff like arranging meeting up.

Are they meeting up somewhere? Once date and time is agreed, just let the mum know. It doesn't need to be complicated.

We haven't let our 11 year old have WhatsApp, but thankfully the majority of her friend group don't either, so she doesn't feel she can't be part of the conversation.

Thanks, thats what I am wondering. I felt like I was over involved somehow but it's hard to know the right thing to do

we all managed before phones somehow!!

This!

Do you mean mums are in the kids whatsapp groups? sounds like a minefield

I think the most you need to do it politely remind your daughter ‘oh x doesn’t have a phone, make sure you let her know what time/where your meeting’. Don't put yourself in charge of passing on all the arrangements. It will be a never ending commitment.

A WhatsApp group on their parents phone might make sense as another option

My DD moves between different houses and has complex medical needs so I hope her tutor isn't judging her for having a phone because it makes a lot of difference to her to have it. For many children with complex lives they also have many positives. But again, this thread isn't about the rights and wrongs, it's about whether or not I should still be helping sort arrangements.

Also we live in a spread out rural area and the girls all need lifts etc so it's not always straightforward for them to make arrangements without checking with various parents

There's nothing wrong with messaging the girl's mum on your daughter's behalf if you want to get a message across.
Rightly or wrongly, it is quite tricky these days to communicate without a phone. My children are older but all plans were either made on Whatsapp/text, or by talking on headsets when gaming. We have a landline but no one ever answers it unless it's my mum's number, which is the sole reason we have it. It's hard to finalise plans in advance because times change, meeting place changes, people are late etc. Is it just a phone she's not allowed, or isn't she allowed Whatsapp either, which can be used on a computer?
It sounds like I'm pro phones for young people but I'm not really - most children are completely and utterly addicted to them and can't move into another room without them.

That's a good point,when you put it that way I am not sure I would be comfortable with that as an adult. I wouldn't want to be in a WhatsApp chat full of children.

My ds who is that age has a nokia. (remember those?) He can text and call his friends on that. No one in his school is allowed a smartphone but a lot of kids have dumbphones. Maybe your daughters friend can get one?

Everyone depends on WiFi round here as the phone signal is dire sadly. I loved my Nokia

In his previous school a lot of his friends had smartphones, but he didn't, but i let him join groups with my whatsapp number.

thats a shame. Although should still work somewhat for texting. How do you call landlines eg to make a drs appointment?

Same here. I have to do Wifi calling all the time otherwise I can't use my phone. I'm actually in a city but it's awful!

OP I’d just remind your DD to let your friend know the plans but other than that I’d stay out of it. Plans change and you don’t want to be dragged into some head melting situation. My DD has just started secondary as well and is meeting up with friends on Saturday and lots have activities Saturday morning so it’s great that they can co ordinate it all between themselves

I don't get involved. If that parent has made the decision that their child has not to have a phone it's not your responsibility to make sure they're not left out, nor is it your dd. Their will be a lot of meet ups and plans made in group chats and unfortunately she will miss out if she doesn't have a phone.

By this stage parents really don't need to get involved beyond giving a lift and cash.