If you aren't letting your year 7 child have a phone, what are your expectations from other parents in terms of making social plans?

[moresoup]

Just DD is busy organising getting together with her new secondary school friends on Saturday, but one girl doesn't have a phone. Luckily I know this girls mum so I've been messaging her during the week as their plans form. But the rest of the girls are making the plan over WhatsApp, and I just wonder what the etiquette is /should be?
I was the girl who didn't have a lot of "normal" things growing up (eg TV) because my parents didn't approve so I am really keen to make sure the girls without phones aren't inadvertently left out

Yeah I am wondering about asking this mum for their landline number so my daughter can ring her daughter and then I am not stuck playing messenger as plans shift and change

Because it is convenient and useful - I have answered this.

Just leave them to it. My son has a nokia. He calls and texts, but mostly just chats to people.

But why didn’t they have the privacy settings on to stop this happening? Mine can’t be added to groups by randoms and neither can I!

I would ask for the landline, pass it to your DD and then let it go. If your DD’s friend doesn’t have a phone, then her parents need to take responsibility for working out how she is going to find out about social stuff as the reality is messaging is how they work it out, whether that’s what’s app or texts. You can gently remind your DD to include her, but it’s not your responsibility.

A child never leaving the house isn't in danger of being run over but we don't keep kids locked in the house.
A child never allowed to ride a bike won't fall off and break a bone, most parents don't stop their children going on a bike on the off chance they fall.
A child who is never allowed to use the oven won't burn themselves but most parents feel it's a good idea to teach their children to cook so run the risk of a burn.
Whatever freedoms we give our children come with risks of harm and giving them a phone is no different. Usually the benefits of taking the risk outweigh the negative consequences hence the majority taking the risk.
It is 2025 and I feel sorry for the friend without a phone, being left out is an inevitability. Even if she is notified of plans she is still missing out on conversations etc.
Personally ì would step right back, the parents will either realise their daughter is missing out and do something about it or they will step up and make sure she has a way of being included.

You might well ask. People are utterly clueless.

My DD has text and calling but no WhatsApp. We can see where she is on her walk home from the bus stop too which is handy.
We are tech savvy enough to keep her phone really locked down but getting a phone that only does these would be a good alternative.

Honestly the majority don’t give kids a phone because they have weighed it up and they seriously believe the benefits outweigh the risks. They just don’t want their kid to be left out and/or don’t think much about the risks. The risks of smart phones are less like the risk of letting kids use the oven and more like the risks of letting them drive or watch hardcore porn, which we basically don’t let them do until they are adults.

I don’t want my kid exposed to porn or being contacted by random men or frankly just wasting her time (all experienced by her friends). Two years into high school, she and I both feel that the benefits of not having one outweigh the risks. Obviously if you are shit hot with the parental controls those risks can be minimised but only by disabling most of the functionality and not allowing social media, in which case you might as well give them a brick.

Anyway, many kids have smart phones and that’s the parents’ choice but equally it’s fine and beneficial not to and the kids will work it out.

I can’t believe some parents are so involved in what their secondary aged children are doing.

Surely they organise it all themselves and you just provide the transport and cash? I certainly wouldn’t be faffing about ringing parents to sort it.

I see this reasoning to give a phone early all the time from other blended families and cannot understand it at all. Are the adults involved all so immature about contact that the children can’t use their phones to communicate? My DSD lives 50:50 and knows she can call or message her Mum or Step Dad from my phone or her Dad’s phone anytime, and vice versa. She’s 10 now and we have zero intention of giving a phone anytime soon.

People have also lived rurally and been medically complex for many decades without smart phones. I own that I’m probably judgemental about this issue though - it is difficult as a teacher (or anyone who works with or around children) not to judge really as so much of your day is impacted by children being given access to things their brains aren’t ready for, such as social media, group chat dynamics, porn, etc. 99% of the time this access is occurring on a smart phone given to a too young child.

Her dad is a.narcissitic bully who wouldn't let them speak to me if they didn't have their own phone (despite the court orders). It takes two mature parents for co parenting to work. They know they.can speak to him any time they like at mine, even before they had their own phone. But he's very controlling and domineering and where they have complex medical needs I feel more comfortable knowing they could call for help if they needed (because he has blocked this before, and yeah, cafcass don't care) . Both children often refuse to go to his house because of how he is, when they do go it helps them a lot to have their phones.

I was trying to do a nice thing to be fair, as this girl is a friend of my daughter's.

But I am very much done with being social secretary after having to field calls from the girls parents this afternoon when their plans changed and they wanted to pick her up early, but they couldn't ring her so had to ring me to get me to speak to my daughter. And then rang again to pass on more details about where they are parked.

All the people judging about my daughter having a phone aren't going to change my mind, this was meant to be a thread about how to make sure the children with phones aren't left out of group dynamics. It came from a nice place. It's weird people can't keep the conversation on track and feel obliged to lecture me. I've got two lovely older teenagers and they aren't flawed and damaged individuals and we are still very close and they are soaring along at the top of top sets at school. All their friends had phones though so this issue didn't come up.

Keeping them doing decent hobbies and doing fun things together as a family and creating an environment they can chat about anything seems to me the key. The idea you can shield your children from life by not giving them a phone seems myopic, however well intentioned. My parents didn't let us have a TV so I just spent as much time as possible at friends houses watching tv but then I didn't feel able to chat to my parents if we watched something distressing, because I knew they would just disapprove of me watching it full stop.

But back to the original question - if your child doesn't have a phone, do you want the parents to step in to make sure they don't miss out? Or are you happy to leave it to the children? And do you expect other parents to be a go between once they are out and about, if they need to contact you or you need to contact them?

Why can't you get her a phone that only does calls and texts? Then she can message her friends but doesn't need to get caught up in WhatsApp drama.

So they want to have contact with their child when out, but not have their child to have a device which allows their contact?

I think the lack of phone needs to be her parents' issue to manage, not yours.

If they want to socially isolate their daughter, they need to be the ones doing all the running around to accommodate it, not expecting you to step in.

RTFT.

OP's daughter has a phone. It's her friend that doesn't, and it's causing issues when they try and make plans.

Ha yes, when you put it like that, it sounds so ridiculous.

I feel so sorry for their DD.

There's no WhatsApp drama? It's just pictures of their dogs /horses /cats etc and arranging meet ups, they are busy girls with busy hobbies, they don't spend their whole lives on their phones

That makes perfect sense and I can see why your kids need phones - I’m sorry your kids and yourself are experiencing that. It’s so sad when people are mature enough to make babies but not mature enough to even do basics like allowing contact with the other parent on their time! Can’t imagine DH or I ever saying to DSD that she couldn’t speak to her Mum, or vice versa, it feels like such a breach of basic rights!

It seems so

Are you not tempted to tell them how ridiculous they're being?

I agree with other posters about not getting involved.
The parents of the friend with no phone need to be the ones who ensure she isn't missing out because of their decision.

Oh that is totally out of order, the parents using
you for blow by blow updates. Hopefully they will at least get her a brick phone after this so they can phone or text direct.