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Original poster

If you aren't letting your year 7 child have a phone, what are your expectations from other parents in terms of making social plans?

105 replies

moresoup · 18/09/2025 21:28

Just DD is busy organising getting together with her new secondary school friends on Saturday, but one girl doesn't have a phone. Luckily I know this girls mum so I've been messaging her during the week as their plans form. But the rest of the girls are making the plan over WhatsApp, and I just wonder what the etiquette is /should be?
I was the girl who didn't have a lot of "normal" things growing up (eg TV) because my parents didn't approve so I am really keen to make sure the girls without phones aren't inadvertently left out

OP posts:
TartanMammy · 18/09/2025 22:58

Parents on WhatsApp groups has led to some parents way overstepping imo. I've removed ds from groups where a parent has got waaay to involved in the chat e.g. policing language that I have no issues with (I'll police my own child's language thanks).

ARichtGoodDram · 18/09/2025 23:01

Do you mean mums are in the kids whatsapp groups? sounds like a minefield

At that age all of the parents should be regularly checking their children's phones anyway so one parent seeing the chat more regularly than others isn't really an issis

VenusClapTrap · 18/09/2025 23:13

DS has two friends without phones. One of them tends to just get forgotten about, sadly. The other has a Dad who is constantly organising stuff for him, and when they all go over to his house he’s quite strict about them putting away their phones.

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cabbageking · 18/09/2025 23:19

Leave them to sort their own arrangements.

TheNightingalesStarling · 18/09/2025 23:28

Do they have school email addresses?

While I definitely don't think a 11yo needs a smartphone, they do need an independent method of contacting friends. Plans, homework questions, checking they have the right stuff... technology has good uses as well.

(Parents being on children's wattsapp groups is really inappropriate... its a world away from checking. Especially if yhothers don't realise its a parents phone.)

Original poster
moresoup · 19/09/2025 00:26

TheNightingalesStarling · 18/09/2025 23:28

Do they have school email addresses?

While I definitely don't think a 11yo needs a smartphone, they do need an independent method of contacting friends. Plans, homework questions, checking they have the right stuff... technology has good uses as well.

(Parents being on children's wattsapp groups is really inappropriate... its a world away from checking. Especially if yhothers don't realise its a parents phone.)

That's a good point, I think they do. I am not sure how much they use them although homework is uploaded to the app

I think the using the landline idea is the best idea actually, as then they can update with any last minute changes more easily. I'll suggest it to my daughter

Most people still have landlines round here at least due to the patches of terrible mobile signal

OP posts:
TartanMammy · 19/09/2025 09:38

Such a shame the onus is on your daughter to keep this girl updated when there's an easy solution. It means if there's ever a mix up or change of plans and this girl gets upset it will end up looking like your dd fault. Is stay well out of it and let the other mum deal with it.

Jk987 · 19/09/2025 09:47

What about getting an old school Nokia non-smart phone?

Original poster
moresoup · 19/09/2025 09:50

Jk987 · 19/09/2025 09:47

What about getting an old school Nokia non-smart phone?

Why would I need to buy a phone? My daughter has one,.it's her friend who doesnt

OP posts:
KnickerlessFlannel · 19/09/2025 09:53

TheCurious0range · 18/09/2025 21:32

Surely they see each other 5 days a week, that's loads of time to make plans. I work in criminal justice/public protection and if you'd seen a smidge of what I've seen you wouldn't give an 11 year old a smartphone or WhatsApp however locked down you think it is.

Edited

Interestingly I work in child protection and have chosen to give my y6 child a phone. There are 2 sides to the arguments.

Mantissatopower4 · 19/09/2025 20:08

Great for you wanting to make all friends are included even without a smartphone. But i am so worried for those with smartphones. The dangers they are exposed to, bullying, exposure to groups and AI that suggest things that would horrify you. Dont go with the flow, find out what dangers the child without a phone wont be exposed to.

Original poster
moresoup · 19/09/2025 20:58

I don't need a lecture thank you. There are very good reasons for my daughter to have a phone.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 19/09/2025 21:13

Eventually this girl will probably get left out inadvertently, because plans evolve or are spontaneous and people will forget she doesn’t know.

IME of teens, anyway!

Offherrockingchair · 19/09/2025 21:15

TartanMammy · 18/09/2025 22:55

I don't get involved. If that parent has made the decision that their child has not to have a phone it's not your responsibility to make sure they're not left out, nor is it your dd. Their will be a lot of meet ups and plans made in group chats and unfortunately she will miss out if she doesn't have a phone.

By this stage parents really don't need to get involved beyond giving a lift and cash.

I agree, one of my DC has a friend with parents who are anti tech and it’s a total hassle. Even going through the DM is a ball ache as she doesn’t look at her phone for days. Sadly the DC misses out but it’s a consequence of the parents’ choices.

Timeforabitofpeace · 19/09/2025 21:34

TheCurious0range · 18/09/2025 21:32

Surely they see each other 5 days a week, that's loads of time to make plans. I work in criminal justice/public protection and if you'd seen a smidge of what I've seen you wouldn't give an 11 year old a smartphone or WhatsApp however locked down you think it is.

Edited

This is excellent advice.

Parker231 · 19/09/2025 21:40

Why are they in a WhatsApp group in year 7 - it’s below the minimum age?

SheilaFentiman · 19/09/2025 21:47

Parker231 · 19/09/2025 21:40

Why are they in a WhatsApp group in year 7 - it’s below the minimum age?

Because WA is very good for this sort of thing, with the group chat features - much better than SMS or email. You can set up WA to restrict who can add you to a group as well.

Original poster
moresoup · 19/09/2025 21:49

Offherrockingchair · 19/09/2025 21:15

I agree, one of my DC has a friend with parents who are anti tech and it’s a total hassle. Even going through the DM is a ball ache as she doesn’t look at her phone for days. Sadly the DC misses out but it’s a consequence of the parents’ choices.

Show quote history

Yeah , based on the hassle this evening of fielding phone calls and having to be some middleman between the group and this girls parents I'm pretty done with it. What started as a nice gesture just took a lot of time

OP posts:
DaysofHoney · 19/09/2025 21:52

My DS has just started Yr7 without a phone. Most of the kids have phones but a number of them don’t. They have iPads set up with iMessages to make plans.

I would think it lovely if another child or parent kept us in the loop regarding plans made via WhatsApp or another app DS doesn’t have (some of them have Snapchat), but I wouldn’t expect it.

Parker231 · 19/09/2025 21:59

SheilaFentiman · 19/09/2025 21:47

Because WA is very good for this sort of thing, with the group chat features - much better than SMS or email. You can set up WA to restrict who can add you to a group as well.

Show quote history

Why let them have it at all when the minimum age to use it in the uk is 13?

Sagarmatha · 19/09/2025 22:03

Adding my voice here as there are a lot of very negative statements about how children without a smartphone get left out. It's total rubbish.

My two children do not have a smartphone and they are 13.5.
Both have a strong group of friends who understand that I'm strict and have my reasons for not giving them a smartphone yet. They both have a Nokia flip which is used to contact me as and when they need to. My daughter uses it to sms her friends and also to ring them.

Neither child has missed out on a thing and to be honest if they have why does it matter? As my sons best mate pointed out to him "if your friends exclude you for not having a phone then they aren't your friend are they?"

I did set one of them up on WhatsApp a year ago (using the sim card from her Nokia in my dual sim phone) but it fizzled out as she realised most of the messages were spam.

Both are still in touch with primary friends.
I'm on a cadet group chat which is mainly 13 year olds because mine don't have WhatsApp. I could not care less what the other kids think of me and so far none of them has commented to either child about me being on it either.

OP you sound very kind to consider the girl who has no smartphone. My advice would be to ensure your daughter keeps her in the loop at school and includes her in plans. If you have her mums number you can also make plans directly. I'm in contact with all my children's friends parents because they are still children and I want to know whos house they are at and the adults who live there. Some habits from the 'olden days' were good ones!s

Upbraidy · 19/09/2025 22:06

My Y9 DD still has just a brick phone. I have always just left her and her friends to it. I figured if they were good friends they would make some degree of effort to include her and if they weren’t she was better off not included. In practice it’s been fine. There’s others who aren’t on WA and she has a good social life. She has missed out on some stuff but she’s also missed out the bullying, sexting and time-wasting all the others have had.

Sagarmatha · 19/09/2025 22:08

I should also add that my daughters head teacher sent a note to all parents of kids in her year group just today asking for a group WhatsApp to be taken down and closed. Someone has set it up and added nearly 200 kids to it which has caused chaos at school.

Original poster
moresoup · 19/09/2025 22:23

Upbraidy · 19/09/2025 22:06

My Y9 DD still has just a brick phone. I have always just left her and her friends to it. I figured if they were good friends they would make some degree of effort to include her and if they weren’t she was better off not included. In practice it’s been fine. There’s others who aren’t on WA and she has a good social life. She has missed out on some stuff but she’s also missed out the bullying, sexting and time-wasting all the others have had.

Fascinating. Because I definitely experienced bullying and yet I was at school at a time when no-one had phones.

I fully appreciate that phones can bring bullying into the home, but my daughter has a very absorbing hobby and is actually rarely on her phone other than to organise meeting up with friends.

This wasn't meant to be a thread about the rights and wrongs of phones. My daughter has had one for a while now for a number of very good reasons.

But in my experience it's not a binary of phone or no phone, its how you parent your children that makes a difference

I was sexually assaulted by my swim teacher in my teens so I find this idea that we can shield children by banning phones absurd.

Having good open relationships with children where they feel able to share worries with you is the key. And talking to them about healthy phone use. And getting them decent hobbies outside of school where they have separate friendship groups and are too busy to be phone addicted.

I don't like the thought of this girl being left out, not because they want to leave her out but because plans evolve and they can't get in touch with her. But I also have a busy life myself and I am reluctant to be an endless social secretary.

OP posts:
EllatrixB · 19/09/2025 22:30

My Y7 kid doesn't have a phone - generally plans go through me and the other parents , or they semi-arrange things at schools and then the parents confirm them via message.

We gave up our landline last year and in retrospect I wish I'd kept it, exactly for this sort of situation.