If you aren't letting your year 7 child have a phone, what are your expectations from other parents in terms of making social plans?

[moresoup]

Just DD is busy organising getting together with her new secondary school friends on Saturday, but one girl doesn't have a phone. Luckily I know this girls mum so I've been messaging her during the week as their plans form. But the rest of the girls are making the plan over WhatsApp, and I just wonder what the etiquette is /should be?
I was the girl who didn't have a lot of "normal" things growing up (eg TV) because my parents didn't approve so I am really keen to make sure the girls without phones aren't inadvertently left out

7 year old is ridiculous for a phone.

Luckily this is about yr 7 girls ie 11 year olds.

Read it back. I can get off my high 🐴!

This. You sounds lovely OP and very kind trying to make sure she wasn’t left out, but air the telephone tennis with this girls’ parents!

Sorry. Why can't THEY get a phone etc etc.

Having a phone doesn’t always mean getting included. My DS, Y7, now has a smartphone that we gave him this past summer. However we haven’t allowed him to get WhatsApp, and I am aware that unfortunately it means he has missed out on stuff with his old friends who share a group chat. I know a couple of the parents but at this age I don’t feel like I can step in and ask anything, it’s quite obvious their kids are now in charge of arranging their hangouts and chats. So I have no expectations, though sometimes I secretly wish the parents would sometimes mention my child, because I honestly would ask DS ‘oh what about so-and-so, is he going?’ Oh well. Really hoping the new friends he’s made at high school will be happy with texting normally or just making plans while in school.

I agree about not getting involved. It’s possible that as well as not wanting their child to have a phone that the girl’s family also don’t want her out and about socially.

They weren't shooting up drugs on a park bench. They were going to a few shops and a cafe in a local (very nice, car free) shopping centre.

The girl's mum was very happy for her to go.

I think this is missing the point. If the other girls have phones then that is just how they will make their plans. Yes of course they do see each other five days a week and that is plenty of time but that was the old days. The past is another country…

But they let her go out - they just couldn't contact her and wanted OP to do it all for them.

I wouldn't be putting up with that. I'd be very non committal in my replies or if or their messages.

We have one mum who's ds isn't allowed a phone posts on the class WhatsApp 'is anyone going out after school Dave wants to meet up' I just reply 'i think they are sorting it amongst themselves'. I'm not there to facilitate her child's social life if she makes choices that means they miss out.
She got annoyed over the summer after finding out that boys had been meeting up and going swimming without asking Dave because he's not on the group chats. They're old enough to make their own plans and don't want their mum's getting involved.

My dd is year 7 and honestly I have no idea who has a phone and who doesn’t. She makes her own plans with her friends. I don’t get involved.
I’ve no idea how the kids without phones are accessing and doing their homework though since every single piece plus the homework log is an app

I’m guessing she’s their eldest? She’ll have a phone (smart or dumb) by Xmas. You’re very kind and thoughtful Op but teenage girls are in my experience dreadful for constantly chasing plans and you need to disengage and leave them to it. Another parent here with two children who manage to use a phone without being phone addicts with no life prospects. Every single sport has a parents what’s app group for logistics I get sick of it but coaches (correctly) don’t want to be on a kids group for safeguarding.

My DD had a friend with no phone and just used email

Id happily hand it all over to my teenagers to manage.

It’s fine to give your kid a phone if that’s what you want to do. But you don’t need to straw man the argument against to justify it. It’s not an attempt to shield them from life and it’s not like banning tv. Some families allow their kids a sip of wine aged 14, others wait until they are 18. Different attitudes towards the risks involved.

DS year 8. No phone and blissfully avoided all the drama that some have experienced. Every now and again get a "can you message X's mum to arrange Y". Easy. Each to their own but not giving DS a phone is one of the best decisions I ever made.

Incidentally as per a message above I would never be on a group chat with other kids but if the mum was and saw that a child was using inappropriate language then good on her for calling it out. "I police my own kids thank you" is a phrase often heard in our custody suite when booking in.

We're not talking about criminal behaviour here, we're talking about kids using words amongst themselves (they weren't even proper swear words). I'm quite happy for DS to use different language with his friends, he knows time and place, it's not for another parent to get involved in. I check my DS phone and I'd correct his language and put consequences in place if I felt it warranted it.

Tablet? Laptop?

If they are unwilling to make the lifestyle choices to facilitate their own child's social life, then it is not on you to fill the gap.

Why is it ok to use you and your child as a communication conduit? It is OK for other people's children to have phones? I find that a bit hypocritical.

They are carted in to school every day? They are expected to access these apps during lessons

It’s the other girls’ parents’ responsibility to ensure she’s able to communicate with friends. Beyond reminding your dd to include her, you have no role.

I think schools who allow phones during the school day are in the minority. The vast majority of schools don't allow them to be used during the school day.

Having said this, I don't disagree that it's easier to access timetables etc on a phone.

We are the same. It seems to work pretty well.

A tablet is surely not that much heavier than a phone.