Anybody else not had somebody to look after your toddler whilst you give birth to your baby? What did you do?

[PassportPhotosAreHorrific]

Very specific dilemma I know!

Long story short, I have a tiny family who mostly live far away, and all of my friends live far away too.

So as not to drip feed, my mum and stepdad were going to have DS (3 years old) when I go into labour, but my stepdad has now been diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. By the time the baby is due, my stepdad will just be home after an experimental treatment programme. So he (and my mum) can't be exposed to germs during that period. Mum will be looking after him.

My partner, understandably, wants to be at the labour to support me.

So it's dawning on me that I have no idea what to do with my toddler.

If you were in a similar situation, what did you do? Did you take your older child to the hospital/ midwife unit with you? Or is there another solution I've not thought of?

I've thought of a paid babysitter but I have no idea how long I'll be gone for, so that makes that tricky.

Any suggestions appreciated :)

My toddler was at nursery, had my C-section then DH left straight after to pick him up. If the time hadn't been when nursery was on I would have just done it alone. Not the end of the world 🤷

I'm wondering about this @TerminalMoraine There are three members of staff there and he loves them all, so I wonder if any of them might be up for it. It's certainly a line of enquiry for me.

I’d also reassure you that then h was useless anyway, hospital was great and I was assigned an additional student midwife who barely left my side, which I’d given permission for, I was her first catch!

I'm assuming your DH doesn't have family around either? If I had a close friend in this situation, I'd want them to ask, I'd be happy to help, even if it was a few hours away - it's only a one off isn't it. I know a lady currently in this situation, who has opted for an elective c-section for this reason - their child will be at nursery leaving the DH to be at the birth. That's quite an extreme option I suppose. Maybe mention it to your friends who aren't nearby, see what they say. No brothers/sisters/aunties/uncles/cousins I guess?

My ex husband looked after our 2 year old son while I gave birth alone with just the midwife there. My mum (who lived close by) said she couk

This

It’s very common rather than specific. Lots of people don’t have extended support for lots of reasons.
You either get paid childcare or go to hospital alone.

sorry I know it’s shit

I get that the reasons your family can’t do it is specific bit

We had no family to help but I needed an elcs for medical reasons, so we knew it would take place in the morning. DH dropped off dc1 at nursery and then came to hospital to be with me. I would have managed without him though, with an elcs you just lie there and don't really need anyone for support.

We used two of the nursery staff as our babysitters - in the absence of family, they would be my go to .

Haven't read the whole thread but was in pretty much your situation and we got an au pair for a few months-she came before the baby and was used to my toddler and was then in the house and there for when ever the labor happened.

Not sure if any option for you but wanted to suggest it-

It was a godsend tbh as took the anxiety away for me but I know au pairs/mothers who have au pairs are not popular on mumsnet but it solved a problem for us and it was a very happy arrangement.
Still in touch 20 years later.

I’ve actually done this for a friend of a friend, they had no one nearby and I was very happy to help. I kind of knew them but we met up with their toddler a couple of times before, just so everyone felt comfortable. They bought me a lovely bottle of wine after but that was unnecessary- was more than happy to help someone out.

Does your toddler go to nursery? If so definitely ask there! Our nursery staff were great and always on hand. It’s beneficial as they’re trustworthy, already know your child well and your child knows them. Plus the novelty of them seeing their key worker in their own home or whatever is lovely for them.

You won't be able to drive while in labour, and you really shouldn't. It would be dangerous. Your husband can drop you off at the hospital with the little one in the back. He can walk you to your ward, then go home. He'll come back during the day with the little one. That's what we did.

This is an opportunity to expand your network of support. I'd absolutely do this for a neighbour I didn't know well, even in the middle of the night. Would need to spend time to know each other beforehand of course. I think when you hear people complaining about others taking the Mick, it's never about a one-off, it's the constant demands. Just ask, I expect they would be flattered. If you have a couple of people you can ask, you can judge on the day. I find it sad when people don't have local support who can pick up from nursery in an emergency etc.

It's many years ago now, but we lived miles away from any family and my NDN looked after my DS when I went into labour. She was happy to do it, just as I was happy to sit/stay with a distant friend when she had her second. It's how we used to cope. When I say distant, I mean she wasn't really a friend at the time, just the wife of someone my DH worked with, who happened to live round the corner.

I did have childcare as my mum decided to move in on my due date despite me having been 15 days overdue with my first. Sure enough she was with me for three weeks…

However I was on my own for much of both my labours, my DH went home overnight and showed up first thing in the morning after being called. I was completely unbothered by this as I was too busy concentrating on being in labour and the time flew. If he’d not been there at the birth I’m afraid to say that I wouldn’t have noticed.

In that situation, I think I'd prefer partner at home with toddler and if I wanted a supportive person at the birth, I'd hire a doula. You understand what's going on, your toddler doesn't. Family dynamics will probably be a lot smoother afterwards, the less confused and abandoned to strangers your toddler feels.

Also, no offense to men but they are pretty useless at births. Mine still tells me how much blood there was and it was all right for me because I didn't see it!

I dont know. you are asking tbem to clear their diary and hold themselves in a permanent state of readiness for up to 4 weeks. Its a big ask for a few hours pay

Obviously you can’t ask them to be permanently available. You ask them whether they’d be interested in general and when the time becomes clear you ask them if they have time. With three to ask there might be a chance. But obviously you also have to be prepared to give birth alone in this scenario.

Not at all. You ask them when exactly they would be free, i.e. when they're not working, no appointments, no trips. Otherwise they are " blocked out" so to speak. My friend did this and had a little spreadsheet going for 3 people. She knew when she could call which person. Worked out fine.

Much simpler though just to go alone and leave DC with DH! That would be my first choice anyway tbh, but I don't want/need someone cheering me on or massaging me or touching me!

We were in this situation too. We had a few friends nearby, but as I’d had a really long labour with my first and they all worked full-time and had their own small children we instead arranged for a retired nanny local to us to be on standby for a period of 2 weeks around by due date. It was expensive as we paid her a retainer for the whole period, but it really gave me peace of mind as we were able to arrange for her to meet with and care for my toddler on a few occasions in the lead up to the birth, so he knew and was comfortable with her by the time I gave birth.
We did also approach the nursery to ask about getting someone he knew from there, but they had a policy of not allowing private arrangements between staff and parents
In hindsight, it would have been absolutely fine if I’d ended up labouring alone as it turned out to be a straightforward labour and birth, and as others have said- the midwives were actually much more supportive and reassuring than my partner was able to be- I mean, he has his uses, but they are pretty limited in that situation! We were both happy he could be there, but it was absolutely not essential.

Maybe say a rough area you're in as someone may have used a service nearby they can recommend?

I have offered my pregnant nursery friend who lives closeby to just bring her big boy round to my home if she goes into labour suddenly. I think you could ask a few local parents if they could be on your emergency list. Your husband could maybe even transport them there sleeping and they wake up in friends house but then get taken to nursery. Warm them if that’s your plan though.

You could also ask a few nursery mums if anyone would be willing to pop over to sit with your child that night if you make up a bed for them - if they are in a two parent household someone should volunteer, I would