Anybody else not had somebody to look after your toddler whilst you give birth to your baby? What did you do?

[PassportPhotosAreHorrific]

Very specific dilemma I know!

Long story short, I have a tiny family who mostly live far away, and all of my friends live far away too.

So as not to drip feed, my mum and stepdad were going to have DS (3 years old) when I go into labour, but my stepdad has now been diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. By the time the baby is due, my stepdad will just be home after an experimental treatment programme. So he (and my mum) can't be exposed to germs during that period. Mum will be looking after him.

My partner, understandably, wants to be at the labour to support me.

So it's dawning on me that I have no idea what to do with my toddler.

If you were in a similar situation, what did you do? Did you take your older child to the hospital/ midwife unit with you? Or is there another solution I've not thought of?

I've thought of a paid babysitter but I have no idea how long I'll be gone for, so that makes that tricky.

Any suggestions appreciated :)

You as a adult will be ok alone supported by hospital midwives.so nit fully on your own.

Your ds can't stay alone so your dp has to stay with toddler until paid for babysitter arrives

For a good friend, I’d travel a fair distance. Maybe float the idea?

This is what I did. No one was able to look after my child while I went into labour. The midwifes will support you through it.

Did you read the OP at all?

Thanks again everyone, this is all really useful.

One of the most reassuring things is how many of you are saying that you'd drive to help a friend in this situation, or that you'd help a neighbour. That makes me feel less like I'll be putting on people if I ask. I suppose I see it as my problem but it really is the kind of thing that people might be keen to help with. I know I would.

Also, good suggestions around nursery. He does go to nursery so there might be something I could do there.

Hello, have you thought about a doula for you? She could support you while your husband stays with your toddler.
Ask your midwife if they have any suggestions too

@Goldbar that's a really good suggestion. I do have lovely neighbours so I will think about that.

I suppose I'm worried it will be 4am or something but in that instance, I could drive myself to the hospital (only ten minutes down the road) if I'm capable, and get DH to stay with DS until it's not stupid o'clock. And then the neighbour could come over. Maybe 🤔

We also had a TV delivery due on the day I went into labour so my then partner stayed at home with DD to wait for that and I went to the hospital myself. He would have had to be with her anyway but probably could have at least come to the hospital if we hadn’t had the delivery due.

Literally what happened to me. Our childcare fell through and I laboured alone. It wasn’t ideal but it was okay.

Absolutely ask family/friends no matter how far away they are. But would it be possible for your mum to go to the hospital with you, your stepdad might have friends or family that could take her place at his side for few hours? Presumably the hospital environment would be reasonably germ free.

Did you read the post ?

You are not going to be able to drive in an active labour. My labour started in the middle of the night. My partner drove me there with our toddler and then got me to the delivery suite and had to leave. They wouldnt let them go any further. Then staff came and dealt with me.

We are immigrants so we had a bunch of cobbled together plans but I was ready to be on my own if needed (to be honest I would have been fine on my own as my husband couldn't really do much!)

We have friends on the same block so the idea was if it was in the middle of the night one of them could come over to watch her. If it was a nursery day we had someone ready to pick her up after. We had a few different options... but then I ended up going into labour a month early and my mother in law was coincidentally there later that day so my friend had her for a few hours and then my mother in law got off an overnight flight and took over.

I would happily be on call for any of my friend but would hesitate for a random neighbour only because i wouldn't want their child to be frightened at finding me there. So if you're setting up options just make sure your toddler knows them all well enough to accept their presence in his house when he wakes up (my daughter was really, really difficult with people - turns out she's autistic - so we had a very short list of options)

Maybe I'm being a bit too optimistic there 😁Taxi it is!

I had an emergency C Section first time round and was only 1cm dilated at that point, so I don't actually know what it's like to be in real labour. 😬

What's also good about everybody's responses is how candid people are being about how limited their husband's usefulness would be in a labour situation.

It's making me realise that although not ideal, I'd probably be fine without DH. I'm doing a hypno birthing course and tbh, could probably get into 'the zone' more easily without him being there. So just that realisation helps - if the worst happens and he can't be there, I can cope.

I agree if I were in a position to do this for a friend I would travel a distance at short notice, work allowing (like if it were over my non working days etc) and I think I’ve got friends I’d ask in a pinch as well.

you'd drive to help a friend in this situation, or that you'd help a neighbour

I think most people would be happy to help as a one-off. It's repeated requests for help that people don't really like. A baby being born is hardly going to be a weekly occurrence 😂 . I picked up my neighbour's 8yo from school once when I was at home with my toddler, and had her for a couple of hours when the mum was at a hospital appointment following a cancer scare (her awful husband wouldn't take time off work, but that's another story). I wouldn't peg myself as a naturally helpful person or natural good samaritan, but honestly I wouldn't view it as an imposition in the least to agree to be on standby to help should a neighbour go into labour.

Hi @PassportPhotosAreHorrific this was the position we found ourselves in when I had DC2.

In our case we did have a friend lined up, but I went so overdue that one night she phoned to say she couldn't be on standby as her DD had a hospital appt the next morning. "Hey don't worry" I told her, and then of course went into labour at 1am...

We tried to rouse our neighbours but they were deeply asleep so in the end DH had to drive me in at 4:30am with DC1 in the back of the car, help me up to the labour ward and then he was told to wait outside, next to the lifts - there wasn't even a chair!

We arrived at the hospital at 04:45am and DC2 was born at 05:02 so he wasn't waiting long! However, he was planning on staying at the hospital until nursery opened and then would drive back and drop DC1 off.

Why can't you just go into hospital alone? That's what we ultimately did and it was honestly fine

OP we’d two friends and one set of neighbours arranged to help - the neighbours are lovely but elderly-ish and when my youngest was due I had a 2&3 year old…so the plan was that if needed 1) I’d go in myself overnight and at a reasonable hour text friends or knock on neighbours door, neighbours would get the older two breakfast or let them play until friends could join (we had a bag packed with snacks, charged I pad to share with downloaded tv, favourite toys and a change of clothes and nappies for the toddler that was ready to go). This was party as friends had school runs etc. so times where they wouldn’t have been able to fit my two in their cars. 2) DH joined me for bits but for example, returned home the day baby was born to collect the older ones and do bed and bath - dropping them to nursery the following morning and coming back into me after.

I wish I had thought a little more about pushing for an earlier discharge. I had a planned CS (but as expected knew I’d likely be an EMCS as I tend to go into labour before my scheduled dates). As the hospital were slow with paperwork, DH had to take my bags and leave and collect the kids from nursery/preschool - and I ended up in a taxi with bubba home.

I will say - staff were lovely and knew I was solo post section. Things that really helped me were having my own medication from home in plastic bags beside me, a BUG water bottle and snacks (in reach) and refusing to put baby in his crib (I bf, but couldn’t lift him by myself post section, so not placing him away from me allowed me to feed when I wanted/needed)

I was facing the prospect of this situation third time around because the people we were hoping would support with childcare were considering booking a holiday right around my due date.

In the end they decided not to so we didnt have this issue. However if they had been away our plan was a couple of other options as back up depending on the day or time of day to watch the kids, but if labour was outside of those, then DH to stay with the kids and me to go to into hospital to birth alone. The prospect terrified me if I'm honest but I didn't see any other solution.

Not quite the same but the person I had looking after my toddler while I was in labour lived 2 hours away then got stuck in traffic. DH stayed with DS until she arrived then came to me, but during those 3 hours the midwife I had barely left the room and was far more useful and reassuring than DH!

It'd probably be better for your toddler, too. Their whole world is about to turn upside down so hiring a stranger to look after them right before it is probably not the best idea!

@PassportPhotosAreHorrific
Do any members of staff at your DC’s nursery fo any babysitting? Could one of them look after your child outside of nursery hours?

We had a friend from work watch dd1, not ideal because she didn’t know them well but they had dc who were a bit older and seemed to enjoy “mothering” her. Luckily it wasn’t for too long, only 8 hours from dropping her off to (ex) h picking her up and daytime