Mum's dead but is she?

[SpuddlingInTheGarden]

Lost my dear Mum 2 years ago. I've got her ashes in a lovely box in my sitting room. We were due to have a family get together to celebrate DS birthday. I was thinking to myself that wouldn't it be nice if when we are all there in the sitting room, she could give us a sign, if I asked her, by flickering the lights to show she is still with us.

Fast forward to DS birthday get-together. I was feeling down and had forgotten about asking her for a sign (I'd have felt very daft anyway!). We were playing a board game and the light flickered for a few times. Everyone noticed. I said nothing.

Wishful thinking?

Not the first experience I've had. I was walking to the estate agent with mum's house keys to hand them over following completion after selling her home (our family home of 50 years). Obviously I was feeling very sad. A few steps away from the estate agent, a small, fluffy white feather floated towards me and literally landed in my open hand.

Yes, probably just a bird flying by, but I felt strangely comforted.

Energy is interconnected, like how you think of someone just before they call you. There’s so much we don’t understand and time and space, so no reason why it couldn’t be your mum.

I miss both my parents terribly, and they live on in my heart and in my memories, I even talk to them, if I am in the house alone and doing something that reminds me of them - just something silly like "your soup pot is still going strong mum" and I'll hold the pot for a brief second more and reminisce of mum making soup, but I know I am talking to the past and they are not otherwise "existing" somehow.

I would suggest you strongly reflect on whether this "pretense" of signs is helping or hindering you processing your grief.

I certainly would not cast a shadow over celebrations such as your dc's birthday in the way you were thinking. They deserve to be able to celebrate their special day as a happy occasion without that weighing on their minds.

OP, that is lovely!

I have always been a believer but my exH was definitely not! A few weeks after my mum died, he phoned me at work sounding a bit panicked. He had heard music coming from a bedroom at home. He went upstairs to investigate, opened the door to a room (that we were using for storage at the time) to see and hear a toy my mum had bought our eldest son spinning around and playing it's tune. It freaked him out a bit but even more so when he checked the batteries to find there were no batteries in it.

I have of course kept the toy and eldest son is 20 now!

I did also have a few things happen after my father died. My brother (another absolute non-believer) also did and it was so profound that it changed his mind.

I don't know the answer, none of us can. But I think there is an awful lot more to time, energy and space than we will ever know.

Awwww, I'm so sorry you lost your mum @SpuddlingInTheGarden and yes, she is still around, and you are feeling her. My dad stayed around for a while - some months, but my mum didn't. Dad died first and did not want to die, so he hung about for a bit. I felt him several times, and heard him once. (Before he went to the afterlife/to God/to Heaven whichever you believe.) Mum was lost without him, and died (as they say) of a broken heart. She wanted to go and went straight to where my dad was, so I never felt or heard her.

I am so happy for you as this is bringing you comfort. Just chat to your mum when no-one's there, because some people aren't spiritual, and believers like us.

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After my MIL died we were going to her house sorting things out quite often. I noticed that the house smelled of her perfume, fair enough she lived there a long time but it was really strong. The smell stayed all the time we were clearing the house, getting probate sorted and selling the house, best part of a year. The very last time we went to do a final tidy and clean before the house was sold I got out of the car first and walked up to the front door and waited for my DH (who had the keys) standing there with the door shut I got a huge waft of her perfume as though she had come to the door to greet us, so strange.

my friend who lived elsewhere died late last year and i found out a few months later. her social media picture was a large sketched butterfly with really oclourful, multicolour wings. whilst i had found out and was having a cry and looking at her social media, my dd was playing roblox and i looked down on the screen and one of the other players appeared into the game she was playing wearing almost identical huge multicoloured butterfly wings. it did bring some comfort.

That's lovely that you have those signs. I lost my mum as a child and I used to write letters and leave them on her grave saying please give me a sign, flicker my lights at midnight tonight, and used to wait up for it. Nothing ever happened unfortunately!

I am not woo, don’t believe in this stuff and wasn’t particularly close to my grandmother.

but there was a distinctive smell in my room the day she died (many miles from me). Sort of a mix of her utility room, fresh air, and her cigarettes. It’s distinctive and sort of replicable, but not something I’ve smelled since.

Whether it was my head or something spookier, I’m not going to dismiss anything that gives people comfort.

@AngryBird6122i want to give the child and now version of you a hug. Xxx

Maybe there is just a thin veil between now and then! I know what you mean about the white feather.

I thought of this author (and her new book The Signs rather than the podcast) as soon as I read the OP. Not my cup of tea, but possibly very relevant?

I don't think I believe in signs from people who have died. I was incredibly close to my mum and miss her every day. I'm sure if she could communicate with me she would.
But it doesn't matter what I believe. These things bring you comfort regardless of if they are from your mum or not. If it's what helps you then keep looking for the signs. If it is your mum I'm sure she'll send you some more.

I think if it gives you comfort to believe those things then there's no harm in it. I find it upsetting when people use them to try to make money off grieving people or when people get so wrapped up in trying to communicate with the dead that they forget the living. But just quietly believing that your Mum is with you, that can't be disproved and doesn't hurt anyone.

I never know why people come up triumphantly with "There's no credible proof that X does not exist" as if it was some kind of evidence of existence. It's absolutely basic that you can't prove a negative, but that clearly doesn't say anything about whether there is proof of a connected positive. There is no credible proof that there aren't thousands of Honey Monsters floating invisibly around the sky, either, or spacemen from galaxies millions of miles away, that doesn't mean you can claim that either exists.

We have angels dancing all round our garden every night. There are white feathers all over.

Strangely they've only started doing it since we put the budgies into the aviary, so maybe they're watching the birds like the cat that seems to like our garden now.

Take comfort that she's watching over you all the time and doesn't need to send signs.

@chuzzlewitthechipmunk aw thank you :)

Yeah I saw she had a book out after I listened to the podcast. It was interesting and very moving. She's certainly interesting and very relevant to the things the OP is exploring and experiencing. I will need to check out the book myself.

I never used to believe in this sort of thing, I always thought people died and that was that but something strange happened to my sister a few years after our nan died and 20+ years on we still can not make sense of it.

My sister was working in a clothes shop and was serving at the till. A lady came over to purchase something and whilst my sister was popping this women's purchased through the till she said to my sister that she didn't want to scare her but there was the spirit of a little lady standing beside her. My sister was kind of like 'WTF' but the woman went on to describe out nan in great detail and said she was constantly talking to my sister but she obviously could not hear her, she then went on to say she was calling my sister a really weird name and used our family nickname for her. My sister does not use this name outside of our family and no one other than myself, mum, dad and this nan (our other nan called her by her real name) uses it either, not even her dh. Very few people are aware we call her this name.

We have never been able to understand this but I am now sure our loved ones are amongst us and that gives me comfort atm especially as my own mum is now terminal ill.

Hold on to whatever gives you comfort.

I have a little cyclamen that was in my nans kitchen for years. Often when I’m having a bit of crap time, a pink flower will literally shoot up from nowhere and stand tall in this tiny pot. It flowers randomly throughout the year and often with almost no warning. Last week I thought it was looking terrible but a day later a large pink flower appeared, literally overnight. Xx

That’s beautiful

Yeah, exactly. How many birds passed and lights flickered before your mum died, OP? But you weren't looking for them, so you just ignore them.

Our lights flicker all the time. It's either dodgy electrics, or we're being continually haunted.

I don't find the latter as comforting as some might!

I have only skim read this thread as my bereavement is so raw and recent, a young family member died in late spring in horrible circumstances and our family is still reeling. I do look for signs but I think this is because I did not see them before they died and it is so hard to take on board that they are gone forever. I found a white feather on my door mat but when I went outstide there were a lot of white feathers on the pavement so I guess it was just a bird moulting nearby. If these things comfort people then it is only for the good, grief is so tough and unpredictable and anything that soothes it is welcome. My heart goes out to everyone on here who has lost a loved one

Reminds me of this poem:

The Committee Weighs In

I tell my mother
I’ve won the Nobel Prize.
Again? she says. Which
discipline this time?
It’s a little game
we play: I pretend
I’m somebody, she
pretends she isn’t dead.

—Andrea Cohen

As Dumbledore said to Harry Potter: "Do you think the dead we have loved ever really leave us?"

I keep finding hearing aid batteries and the sticky backing from them on my hoovered carpets. My DH was always leaving them in daft places or keeping them for his paintings. I think he's around.