What makes you assume a person is autistic?

[CagerUmbonate]

I’m autistic and I don’t think it’s obvious at all but that’s not the feedback I’m getting from other people. I’ve heard/read other autistic people say that when they disclose they are autistic they are often not believed because they are high masking. I think I am high masking but no one has ever once been remotely surprised when I’ve mentioned my autism. Usually they say they already knew.

Last week at work a reasonable adjustment was inadvertently overlooked. Later a colleague apologised and I remarked that it was understandable and easy to forget because I know I don’t seem autistic. They laughed! I felt like such a weirdo.

I know no one here can tell me why I appear to others to be autistic as you cannot see me or verbally interact with me. But what is it in general about a person that might lead to think they are autistic?

I don’t think there is anything remarkable about my outward appearance. I’m quite plain, I don’t tend to wear makeup and my hair is boring - all one natural colour usually in a ponytail. I’m not stylish - I wear comfortable clothes (jeans/joggers and t-shirt) in plain dark colours. I don’t carry fidget toys or wear headphones or anything.

I have been bullied my whole life (especially as child) around facial expressions, tone of voice and use of language. Could that be an indicator?

I would just like to be able to blend in a bit better!

I’m also autistic. I’m not sure but I expect it’s a subtle or not so subtle network of things that point you out as being a bit different - diverging from social expectations around small talk or clothing, avoiding eye contact or doing it oddly and so on. But tbh it sounds absolutely fine - the alternative is forcing yourself to conform, surely?

would just like to be able to blend in a bit better!

If this is at the expense of your sanity/mental health, is it still a goal? Because that may be a consequence.

I don’t disclose far and wide but I also don’t mask. I’m successful and have my shit together, broadly; if anyone has a problem with my approach to clothing, eye contact, speech, hobbies that is on them.

You can’t tell someone’s autistic by their appearance they probably picked up on your behaviour and personality. I wouldn’t worry about it.

Please, if you can, don't tie yourself in knots trying to work out about yourself that 'comes across autistic'. Sometimes people are just aholes whether you're autistic or not. And you should never have to feel you have to change something about yourself to hide it . Eff those people who laughed.

It's behaviour, tone of voice, speech pattern and intonation, topics spoken about and the manner they are spoken about in, a slightly blank slightly worried expression no matter what the situation is, etc., there are a lot of subtle and not so subtle signs to do with social-communication and non verbal behaviour

Unless it is causing a problem I would try not to overthink it. I am parent to an autistic child and me and DH are probably on the spectrum. It hasn’t held us back.

“A slightly blank, slightly worried expression no matter what the situation is”. What???

I think the only way you could get your answer is to ask the person that laughed why they laughed.
But then what? If the only way you can blend in is to mask, that takes an awful lot of energy and can take it's toll.

I agree that you shouldn’t spend time trying to understand what a-holes think. They aren’t worth it!

I have to admit if I’m interacting with someone at work and they display quite rigid thinking I do sometimes wonder if they might be autistic. But I would never presume and I definitely wouldn’t make any assumptions based on dress/tone of voice etc.

I’m sorry you were bullied. I was too (as a teenager) and it was rubbish. In the long run I do think it made me stronger, but 100% appreciate not everyone feels like that.

‘Facial expressions, tone of voice and use of language’ - yes those will be an indicator. Possibly also coupled with the plain style.

But your colleague was unbelievably rude. I hope it was a nervous laugh that just slipped out at least.

I am answering this as someone who is also probably autistic (not getting much response at my surgery to my request for diagnosis - which is another story). I know and have taught diagnosed autistic people.

I think it is a combination of factors, and not all are present with each person. Inexpressive voice is one, high focus on one or two interests, problems with turn taking in conversation leading to over talking or under talking. Lack of eye contact along with awkward or self-conscious body language. Anxious behaviour such as checking doors are locked several times. Sensitivity to noises, light and textures.

Some autistic people seem to show physical signs such as toe-walking, stooped shoulders/bad posture generally, one or both eyes having what I can only describe as a flat appearance. A high forehead is also common among the autistic people I know, but that may be just coincidence!

In the end, I think we can all only be ourselves. Masking and blending only take you so far. You sound great, you have a job and colleagues who seem willing to accommodate your needs. Don't overthink it.

The thing is, there are a lot of different ways people present with autism.

Some may have a slightly anxious distracted air, as a PP describes, others may be massively expressive and perhaps not ‘toning down’ their expressions the way an NT person might to fit in to a specific situation.
My boss told me he was autistic but I’d already twigged after a conversation we’d had where he was dogged about the incorrect use of a phrase on a poster.

It may be that your presentation at work lines up with a particular stereotype- detail oriented, not always noticing humour/sarcasm.

Ds1 has autism and he usually looks like he is concentrating hard. Unless he is talking about his favourite subject, then he looks more animated. Ds2 is more obviously autistic and he often puts his head down, hands over ears and rocks. He also doesn't often speak and hates being touched. Ds5 usually tells people he is autistic and hugs them if i don't stop him in time.

To be fair ‘blank’ is how I was described by my peers at school. They used to say something about a train without a driver?

Thank you for the kind responses. I know I should just be comfortable being myself but it’s hard sometimes.

Similarly, I think that I am a laid-back type of person. And twice recently when I’ve said that people have laughed and disagreed but I genuinely think I’m chilled.

A lot of people’s faces reflect their thoughts- fleeting expressions, or more sustained expressions. They may be very much living in the moment- focusing on what’s happening around them and very engaged with people.

Others find all that quite overstimulating, and have a lot of thoughts they are also paying attention to. They may have a more distracted air- their face isn’t reacting to their thoughts or what’s going on around them- it’s as though the circuits haven’t connected because the energy is focused elsewhere.

My eldest has a slightly distracted air because he’s not paying attention to anything going on around him.
When he does pay attention to you, he’s stunning- his face is wide open, no guile, no social mask. However he can’t lie for toffee. Bless him.

It may be @CagerUmbonate that you are laid back about all sorts of things, but do care significantly about something that others aren’t bothered by.

That’s perhaps what they are noticing- you being intense about something that they consider insignificant.

I'm sorry you were bullied OP. I was too, but due to having massive boobs at a young age.

The same as NT, autistic people have all manner of traits and differences to each other. There aren't say a top 10 list that everyone has and some things overlap with NT traits too.

-Some I know dress just a bit differently or quirky. 1 lady loves tiger print and will wear it completely head to toe. Another loves bright colours, but they tend to be a mismatch and clash (IMO anyway). Another has her hair the exact same, every day- which is a pony tail with a scrunchy, but slightly off centre but not enough to be a side pony.
-Sometimes facial expressions aren't the reaction you'd expect from say a joke and more a blank look whilst the person scans the room to see how others are reacting
-Sometimes there are rigid thoughts and they can't imagine doing things any other way. 1 lady I work with had been there 10yrs and is very knowledgeable. We recently had a computer issue and had to revert to using paper and it completely threw her to the point the stress meant she needed days off.
-Another is so time blind, I no longer meet her outside her house. I can only wait so many hours in parks, cafes waiting for her to get sorted.
-Overall though, its just subtle cues which are mainly mannerisms, facial expressions and reactions that I notice

I’ve got two boys with autism but im undiagnosed. If I think someone is autistic I just mentally think to myself “one of us” 🤣

im too old and too tired to pretend im something im not nowadays.

I saw a post on an adhd facebook thread which was a jokey picture of a sock puppet with a half smile and raised eyebrows and she said it was the standard chatting face of an adhd women and I thought OMG that’s me. I would always raise my eyebrows to look interested and smile slightly to look friendly - masking really. I now make a point of not holding an expression and seem to be getting on with random people better!!
Perhaps you are doing something similar.

Ime a majority of people with brightly-coloured hair turn out to be ND (could be ADHD rather than autism though).
Being trans also seems highly correlated with being autistic, as does having a post-grad qualification in maths.
However none of these work as a negative indicator, as there are also thousands of of ND people without colourful hair/trans identity/postgrad maths!.

To be fair I think just saying “I don’t seem autistic” might have been interpreted as a joke you were making (because how can you seem autistic?) and they might have been laughing because they thought it was a joke. Depends if they’re generally a nice person or a tosser really.

Everyone I know who is autistic is different to each other. If I had to pick out qualities that I’d think of as characteristic of someone autistic I might go for - consistency (often wearing the same type of clothes or near identical clothes and not mixing it up, similar vocal tone whether asking someone to pass the stapler or reading a story to a child maybe), generally being very straight talking, and sometimes an air like they’re afraid of annoying others. But of course many non autistic people have those qualities too.

The stereotype would be being very literal about things, I asked a new colleague to do “everything in her power” to do something the other day and when she was genuinely worried about what was “in her power” I did wonder.

I find there is definitely a ND "type" of person although it's not easy to say if it's ADHD or ASD or both. A lot of people have these traits:

A love for presenting visual objects, colours or textures that they like to the public. This could be brightly coloured hair, a bag with tons of curated badges and pins or a home decorated with collections of a specific brand or theme.

When you talk to them, they can passionately go off about a subject they love. If you like that thing too then it's brilliant conversation but it can be a bit weird and out of context if you don't know them well. With autism, the person misses cues to shift the conversation or they keep steering the topic back to their own personal interest.

Another subtle giveaway is not being able to close a conversation when you are socially expected to be departing. DH has this and leaving weddings or dinner parties is excruciating because he goes around saying goodbye but continues to talk for a solid 10-20mins or even longer with every person. It often takes us 1-2 hours for us to leave after the initial "Well we should be going now" gets spoken.

Contrary to popular belief, many high masking ASD/ADHDers are very good at making conversation but they struggle to know when & how to stop. They are masking so intensely that they don't see the other person is losing interest, their wife might need help with the kids or the time is way past midnight.

As a result, these are people who may accidentally overstay their welcome in social situations or ones who are chronically late if they have been someplace beforehand that required masking.

Another clue I noticed with DH is that alcohol loosens him up significantly and he also know that talking to intoxicated NT people is far easier than masking amongst sober ones. So many have problems controlling their drinking because it's linked to the feeling and relief of not having to mask. They cannot stop at 1-2 drinks even if they promised to beforehand.

In contrast to the "blue hair" stereotype, many autistic women tend to hyperfocus on their appearance because pretty privilege often buffers the experience of being ND. Makeup and skincare is a very common special interest. So women who seem to have every tiny bit of their physical appearance professionally enhanced are also more likely to be ND. Not talking just a few cosmetic treatments but literally everything including hair, lashes, nails, makeup, fillers, teeth, spray tan, plastic surgery etc.

I believe someone who works with my kids is autistic from the way she speaks. She very much keeps to facts of what happened, no pleasantries when you first see her, difficult to hold a conversation or keep it going, lack of social queues.

Hello, I'm NT with autism in my nuclear family. It's likely a combination of your facial expressions and general use of language e.g. reciprocal conversational style and possibly your facial expressions not matching what your saying - it will likely be very subliminal and not easy to put a finger on. Masking is heavy work, but perhaps acting lessons if you really want to?

*cues!