What makes you assume a person is autistic?

[CagerUmbonate]

I’m autistic and I don’t think it’s obvious at all but that’s not the feedback I’m getting from other people. I’ve heard/read other autistic people say that when they disclose they are autistic they are often not believed because they are high masking. I think I am high masking but no one has ever once been remotely surprised when I’ve mentioned my autism. Usually they say they already knew.

Last week at work a reasonable adjustment was inadvertently overlooked. Later a colleague apologised and I remarked that it was understandable and easy to forget because I know I don’t seem autistic. They laughed! I felt like such a weirdo.

I know no one here can tell me why I appear to others to be autistic as you cannot see me or verbally interact with me. But what is it in general about a person that might lead to think they are autistic?

I don’t think there is anything remarkable about my outward appearance. I’m quite plain, I don’t tend to wear makeup and my hair is boring - all one natural colour usually in a ponytail. I’m not stylish - I wear comfortable clothes (jeans/joggers and t-shirt) in plain dark colours. I don’t carry fidget toys or wear headphones or anything.

I have been bullied my whole life (especially as child) around facial expressions, tone of voice and use of language. Could that be an indicator?

I would just like to be able to blend in a bit better!

Thank you. I'll say no more.

No say more! Your list was v interesting

Slightly awkward and talk at you, can be too direct/intense, poor eye contact more so when stressed, often look like they're concentrating and voice can be a little monotone, empathy shown in a different way, often on the edge of any group, frequently lost in their own world, can seem self absorbed due to their lack of interest in anything that's not their thing - but not necessarily all these at once!

I have a young adult with ASD and often meet people who I assume have ASD. Sometimes you can tell before they even open their mouth just from their eyes IME. TBH I often gravitate towards them and think I'm probably ND in one way or another myself as it runs through my mum's side.

That's all I've got so far. Don't let it get you down. You'll have your own strengths which can be quite considerable.

My DS was seeing a psychologist for something and after a few sessions she said - have you ever considered ASD when thinking about your DS. We had deliberately not mentioned as we wanted focus on his immediate need for support but we had thought it for years. What prompted her was the lack of facial expression.

What makes me think other people might have an ASD diagnosis is probably more how they interact with people and whether they take things very literally. Also a strong reaction to injustice. I have one friend who regularly asks me to explain why people do or say things they don't mean.

The only thing that usually makes me think someone is autistic is if they talk at me rather than to me, usually at great length about something they’re interested in and don’t take the hint that I’d like the conversation to end, although I was surprised to find out recently that a man at work that does this (amongst other things that made me think he was ND) and everyone had assumed was autistic so we were all giving him a lot of leeway, isn’t autistic at all, apparently he’d been tested and they said he didn’t meet the criteria. So you never know!

But there must have been something that made you get diagnosed in the first place, so I’m not sure why you think others wouldn’t pick up on it?

Hi there, would you want to know?

You see, when I notice someone is autistic, even if they’re unaware, I interact with them with that in mind. I want to get it right for them, that nothing I say or do knowingly makes the situation difficult or stressful for them. I try to be the best I can be for them without being patronising or making them feel different.

Are you scared that others could appear to react adversely to it, even when they’re not? You see it’s not something everyone has experience of and even if people are fully accepting of autism, it could be that if they react in a way that you think is negative, they perhaps just didn’t know how to react the way you need.

I agree, and as a disclaimer I just want to say there is a lot of autism in my husbands family so my experience isn’t just based on my son.

What with one thing or another we are truly a ND family with autism, dyslexia, CAPD, adhd (both types) and sensory issues being very much at home amongst my children and grandchildren.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I can’t write a list of why I recognised it because more often than not I sense it or feel it - then I notice the subtleties.

For those asking about tone of voice, I think my tone of voice is completely neurotypical but the feedback I get from others is that it doesn’t match my emotion. For example, I might think I’m indicating that I’m excited through my tone of voice but people react like I’m not excited and I’ve been told I appear flat. But this isn’t how I feel or how I think I’m coming across.

I’m told frequently that I’m deadpan. If people think that I’m being deliberately deadpan it’s good ‘cos they think I’m super funny but thats not my intention

Oh 😂

I’d actually quite like to be a blue-haired, Lucy and Yak dungaree wearing type person but I don’t have the confidence! I’m terrified of people looking at me.

I don’t like bright colours at all. Especially not to wear as then I can see clothes in my peripheral vision. I don’t like that

No, I’ve not heard of it - I’ll have to look it up. Thanks

I'm wondering how these markers play out in different cultures and languages? Some European cultures are a lot more direct, so does this mean people with ASD/who are autistic could navigate conversation with more ease as there is less beating around the bush? And while people from the Mediterraneans are stereotypically louder and expressive in their faces and body language, there is also stereotypes of glum Nordic or reserved East Asian people.

If there are posters who are bilingual or have experience with autism in cultures other than England or the UK, it would be fascinating to know how ASD plays out in a different cultural context.

I think the 'slightly blank, slightly worried expression' is a perfect description of two autistic colleagues of mine. They are both hardworking, conscientious individuals by the way but their autism is visible if you are aware of such subtle differences.
Eye contact, topics of conversation and lack of a natural back and forth 'flow' of conversation is often another indicator.

People do often laugh when I make comments. I don’t intentionally make jokes but lots of people say I’m very funny. I’m deadpan and have a dry sense of humour apparently.

I get this a lot. Unless it's causing problems with people misunderstanding when you're trying to have a serious conversation, I'd just embrace it as part of who you are that people like.
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Me. I’m Scottish but have lived an immersive life in a Gulf State for almost 50 years so it really is all I know but I can see Autism in around me regardless of where I am in the world

My husband is autistic and so, I am pretty sure, is one of my colleagues. We had an open day at work. DH and this chap somehow spotted each other from across a crowded, open plan area and started an animated conversation.

They had never met before and I hadn't pointed him out!

Yes, oblivious to things others are dealing with, even their own family members sometimes.

This was in the news recently. Four subtypes of autism identified. I’d guess that for some types it is more obvious than for others, and not necessarily only to do with masking.

https://www.psychiatrist.com/news/new-autism-study-uncovers-four-biological-subtypes/

I relate to the deadpan thing. That’s brought back high-school memories..

I would get laughs from my friends when I wasn’t trying to make them laugh but groans and eye-rolls when I made an actual joke.

I remember seeing Jack Dee on telly and thinking “ah, that’s what they think I’m doing” and I adjusted my “act” by not cracking up at my own jokes anymore 😂

It depends on the person. I’m very aware of others feelings to my detriment. My MIL who was also autistic didn’t see or think past the end of her nose. Two people with autism can clash hugely because we are all different.

Interesting question about culture. My DS fairly recently got a diagnosis for ASD and as a lot of people will tell you it's highly genetic so I look at myself and I can definitely see traits (also see traits in other family members) but I grew up in a very very sociable culture and I think I learnt the hard way how to appear sociable.

Recently I returned to my country with some of my family and I coped with the hyper social culture because it's familiar to me but other family members had meltdowns. I do admit to finding alcohol very helpful in these situations.

It's quite hard to know, but I would say that for me, the most obvious sign is a kind of intensity when they're talking.

Autistic people I know in real life can sometimes just be really blunt/ honest. I start thinking they may be ND when they show a kind of lack of subtlety, or lack of realising that they are labouring a point. They sometimes find it hard to make small talk or can be physically unsubtle, such as invading space or looking into your eyes a bit too long.

There was a guy on last week's Only Connect I thought was autistic - he might not be of course - but he had that intensity about his music knowledge, and was a bit gauche in nature.

I think young children may just perceive it as a slight oddness about a person, which may be why bullying happens without the victim really knowing why.

Our faces often don't match our feelings. Its a thing.