What makes you assume a person is autistic?

[CagerUmbonate]

I’m autistic and I don’t think it’s obvious at all but that’s not the feedback I’m getting from other people. I’ve heard/read other autistic people say that when they disclose they are autistic they are often not believed because they are high masking. I think I am high masking but no one has ever once been remotely surprised when I’ve mentioned my autism. Usually they say they already knew.

Last week at work a reasonable adjustment was inadvertently overlooked. Later a colleague apologised and I remarked that it was understandable and easy to forget because I know I don’t seem autistic. They laughed! I felt like such a weirdo.

I know no one here can tell me why I appear to others to be autistic as you cannot see me or verbally interact with me. But what is it in general about a person that might lead to think they are autistic?

I don’t think there is anything remarkable about my outward appearance. I’m quite plain, I don’t tend to wear makeup and my hair is boring - all one natural colour usually in a ponytail. I’m not stylish - I wear comfortable clothes (jeans/joggers and t-shirt) in plain dark colours. I don’t carry fidget toys or wear headphones or anything.

I have been bullied my whole life (especially as child) around facial expressions, tone of voice and use of language. Could that be an indicator?

I would just like to be able to blend in a bit better!

No one realises with me, unless they're neurodivergent themselves.

Generally it’s because I like them, and they’re very straightforward. But I’m on the spectrum so that might be part of it.

Sometimes I’ll notice something like a particular stim, sensory avoidance, maybe a slightly awkward posture or gait. Or it might be that they have a special interest, or a way of looking much more deeply at something than others do. The pattern of eye contact tends to be different.

It can feel profoundly unsettling, when you’re a reflexive masker, to realise someone is seeing something different to what you thought you were presenting. It’s a weirdly unnerving, almost threatening sensation.

It’s not necessarily (for me anyway) about feeling uncomfortable in myself, or that I’m trying to be something I’m not.

It’s just that neurotypical people can take a dislike to us, and a social situation can quickly turn nasty, before we have even noticed. There’s a real danger in being perceived different, and many of us learned that on the school yard or the street.

It sounds like your colleagues are a fairly decent bunch of people op, and seem to accept you.

I try not to assume anything about people, especially people I work with. However I do sometimes think that someone could be neurodiverse. Part of my role involves people management and there is someone I manage at the minute who is excellent at their job but their attitude is sometimes not what I expect. They are a lovely person but can sometimes just be really blunt and short with people or cause someone upset as they will give very honest feedback without thinking how the other person (often their peers at the same grade) will receive it. They can also be very linear in their thinking and I can tell any ambiguity causes them stress.

They are great to talk to but just seem to not fully understand others emotions and then often get very defensive when the other person gets upset.

This could just be their work persona amd I'm not ill find out unless they tell me.

I tend to realize someone is autistic when we are able to fall into an alternate pattern of conversation. Less small talk and more deep dives into hobbies or esoteric topics. When I try that with NT people I get nowhere.

Of course, I discovered recently that my ILs who Have known me for 30 years didn’t realize I am autistic. They didn’t believe me when I told them. I don’t think I mask that well, but maybe I do.

I woudn’t say “what?” to this. My daughter is autistic and one of the ways you can see this is her permanently blank slightly worried expression.

Writing my answer without reading the thread because I don't want to be influenced by it, but after that I'll go back and read it.

For me it's usually that you get a vibe that they're running on some sort of algorithm. It's usually a really complicated algorithm and often it will come up with the right output 98% of the time, but sometimes you see that the algorithm being run produces a non-optimal outcome. And then sometimes the person in question sees that and adapts the algorithm and sometimes they don't.

And the other thing can be missing subtext for stuff or not inferring things when someone says something. I tend to find that this particularly involves when a non-autistic person makes a statement, they might be expecting the person they're talking to to infer that they need to take an action as a result of that statement, but then the autistic person doesn't infer that an action was required because no action was requested. At least that is how it plays out with my autistic father on a regular basis.

Obviously those are all assumptions though and there may be a chunk of autistic people where I don't guess they are autistic and they don't disclose they are autistic so my beliefs may not be accurate.

I woudn’t say “what?” to this. My daughter is autistic and one of the ways you can see this is her permanently blank slightly worried expression.

Both of the diagnosed autistic people in my immediate family talk and move like they’re performing in a play, particularly when anxious. I can’t quite put it into words and I’d guess it’s related to using learned responses and behaviours. It’s interesting, and now I’ve noticed it in them I notice it in other autistic people I know. I really wouldn’t worry about it, OP. It’s always wise to be self aware if you want an easier path, but being seen as autistic out in the world is fine. Not everyone is for everyone, autistic or not

Anyone who spends a lot of time with ND people will often be able to pick up little cues really quickly. It's hard to say definitively what they are - with autism I'd say it's tone of voice, intensity level, body language, topics of conversation, but there isn't a tick list that every autistic person meets of course! I would just guess that you are more overtly autistic presenting than you realise, but that's not a bad thing!

I do think there are a couple of things that make me wonder, and one of them is a voice volume that increases in a particular way when talking about a subject they are interested in. But really, so what? I’m sorry you were bullied and it’s not surprising in an unaccepting world that you feel being ‘spotted’ as autistic is a negative thing. It isn’t though, it’s just a neutral fact about some people.

Oh I see. Yes, that makes sense

This is an interesting perspective. It didn’t occur to me they may have thought I was making a joke, and they aren’t normally an unkind type of person.

People do often laugh when I make comments. I don’t intentionally make jokes but lots of people say I’m very funny. I’m deadpan and have a dry sense of humour apparently.

I dont assume anyone is autistic. It doesn't cross my mind. Could just be personality.

The cues are subtle if they’re good at masking but I would say that a non-autistic person can usually tell if somebody is autistic. They aren’t going to tell you (unless you ask) as this isn’t an emotionally intelligent thing to do. Lots of autistic people probably think ‘well they’d tell me if they knew’ but that is coming from a more analytical, less EA brain.

I think the subtle giveaways are intonation when speaking and emphasis on the wrong words (or lack of emphasis on any words). More obvious ones - body language such as eye contact and facial expressions, subject matter, interjecting at the wrong point in conversations, not seeing social cues such as when to stop talking, etc.

It’s like if you were born and bred in a small town in Italy and some other Italian pretended to be born and bred there too, but had a subtly different accent or slightly different colloquialisms - you’d just know they weren’t from your area as you’d recognise that they don’t sound like you do. But there’s nothing wrong with that. You just have to be your authentic self and if some people don’t have time for that, they aren’t your people.

I can usually recognise autistic people because I naturally click with them (of course, I'm autistic too!).

If someone seems superficial, overly concerned with social status, to not really have any engaging interests or seems to be invested in pointless and obscure social games, it's usually a sign that they're neurotypical and best avoided.

@Harriethulas I think you've nailed trying to explain it. Its subtle cues, nuances and mannerisms which make me think someone might be autistic, but I equally wouldn't know if they ADHD, any manner of other things, or nothing at all. I would also never ask someone about it.

If someone seems superficial, overly concerned with social status, to not really have any engaging interests or seems to be invested in pointless and obscure social games, it's usually a sign that they're neurotypical and best avoided

My brother in Christ. And ND people SO OFTEN accuse NTs of stereotyping them.

What a nasty and judgmental thing to say.

If I get on very well with someone then there is usually a high chance that they are autistic. Otherwise, as an autistic person, I think there are some subtle mannerisms and preferences that combined will make me suspect (or be fairly certain) that someone is autistic.

One of my children is autistic and there were four others in her year when she started that I thought were autistic. They have all been diagnosed now.

Plenty of neurotypical people are nothing like that.

I think that if you know a lot of ND people (as I do) you just develop a sixth sense for it. There are two women I have met in the last couple pf years that I have been genuinely surprised to find out they were autistic but often I just sort of realise for myself but I wouldn't say I assume it, suspect it is more accurate. I'd certainly never say anything to them unless they brought it up. Last year one of my young adult DCs introduced me to a friend and within I'd say 10s I was thinking he was probably autistic and he did indeed tell me he was about 10 mins later.

Don't like it when the boot's on the other foot, do you? Must be a classic NT trait 😆

You're just a nasty person.
Not typical of autistic people at all.

Did you ask me if I was autistic
I didn't say I wasn't.

I do wonder what proportion of the people on this thread are self diagnosed though. Very very high i imagine.

Yeah, that's a completely neurotypical kind of thing to say though 😆