What makes you assume a person is autistic?

[CagerUmbonate]

I’m autistic and I don’t think it’s obvious at all but that’s not the feedback I’m getting from other people. I’ve heard/read other autistic people say that when they disclose they are autistic they are often not believed because they are high masking. I think I am high masking but no one has ever once been remotely surprised when I’ve mentioned my autism. Usually they say they already knew.

Last week at work a reasonable adjustment was inadvertently overlooked. Later a colleague apologised and I remarked that it was understandable and easy to forget because I know I don’t seem autistic. They laughed! I felt like such a weirdo.

I know no one here can tell me why I appear to others to be autistic as you cannot see me or verbally interact with me. But what is it in general about a person that might lead to think they are autistic?

I don’t think there is anything remarkable about my outward appearance. I’m quite plain, I don’t tend to wear makeup and my hair is boring - all one natural colour usually in a ponytail. I’m not stylish - I wear comfortable clothes (jeans/joggers and t-shirt) in plain dark colours. I don’t carry fidget toys or wear headphones or anything.

I have been bullied my whole life (especially as child) around facial expressions, tone of voice and use of language. Could that be an indicator?

I would just like to be able to blend in a bit better!

What difference does it make if they are self diagnosed?

I’m not and when I was assessed the multi disciplinary team said to me that it wasn’t normal neurotypical behaviour to think of yourself as being autistic. So whilst I’m sure it does occasionally happy, it made me think that most people who relate to the diagnostic criteria of autism do so because they are autistic. Apparently it’s not the same for ADHD though (which I’m also diagnosed with).

I’m quite plain, I don’t tend to wear makeup and my hair is boring - all one natural colour usually in a ponytail. I’m not stylish - I wear comfortable clothes (jeans/joggers and t-shirt) in plain dark colours.

I mean if I had to write what I thought an Autistic woman would look like just from stereotype this would be a GREAT start.

Please don’t try to change. I find autistic people the most authentic.
It’s likely they’ve picked up on things like social communication or not being fussed about makeup but it really doesn’t matter. Most NT people are battling their own insecurities about how others see them too. Just be you.

I'm sure my DM is autistic and I may be. I have ADHD.

What makes me think someone else might be - this may be projecting but I sometimes suspect it when people are really reticent to admit when they don't know how to do something that is clearly within their remit at work. This is something I always struggled with. They may say 'I don't understand that' but they don't go the next step further and ask questions to get clarity. They need prompting to take a step forward.

It's usually the Lucy & Yak dungarees TBF

I am autistic and I guess my autism radar is broken.
Some people I thought were NT turned out to be ND and the other way around.
Just because I am ND does not mean I can detect other ND people. We are all very different.
Some autistic people I have met have done my fucking head in with their info dumps and gossiping and some NT people talk about a lot of interesting things and dont care much about gossip.

I take people as I find them instead of worrying about their labels. If we get on than that is great.

That is quite common with people who don't mask easily. Generally from focusing on trying to process the conversation so not focusing as much on trying to make the appropriate facial expressions.

It can be fairly small things - I've worn my makeup the same all my life.

In regards to alcohol, I realised in mid life that its actually incredibly good fun to be the sober person among drunk people. I can say vaguely outrageous things. They either think I was drunk, or do not remember themselves, or, if they are confused they are more likely to be direct about it because they are drunk. It's win win. I also knew I didn't want to be a drinker as I have alcohol issues in my family background.

There isn't any one thing that makes me think someone is autistic. Some ND people do stand out and it's pretty easy to tell they are ND, but most don't, and even if they initially strike me as a little bit eccentric, it's only really after talking to them for a significant time that I can genuinely tell.

Hyper-focus and special interest is usually a big "tell", but you won't know about that without engaging with someone. Plenty of NT people are still nerds so it's not like just wearing a Minecraft tee or something is a giveaway, but when you talk to someone the depth of their obsession usually becomes apparent. I can usually tell between ASD and ADHD in diagnosed people, but again, only after talking to them for a fair while.

It's more obvious when you see how someone lives, although again, you usually have to talk to them about that in order to understand the "whys" of what makes them keep their home the way they do.

I do like working with one particular individual who has no social graces at all. First time I introduced myself and my co-worker, he simply replied "I know who you are", turned his back, and walked off leaving his front door wide open 😃

Yes, you should just be comfortable with yourself op.

Since you have asked, the people I know who are autistic tend to skip over the tiny nuances that NT people tend to incorporate into conversation to make the other person feel good. They aren't delivered with a sledgehammer, but are just subtle indicators of approval or interest in what you are saying- and to be honest half of them are probably insincere. My autistic friends tend to just listen not blankly exactly, but devoid of that feedback. However, I have learned to value their sincerity and know it isn't unkindly meant.

Since having an autistic child, I can really pick up on very small things that might indicate autistic traits.
The traits that are the tells for me are:

• very factual telling of stories or events
• not using nuanced language or language that requires reading between the lines.
• interpreting things literally and exactly, like I will be there in 5 minutes, meaning exactly that, not that I will be there in some time could be 2 minutes or 20.
• being truthful and outspoken with a strong sense of justice
• not getting nuanced language
• being very logical and methodical and needing things to be done in certain ways and orders
• having different emotional reactions than a neurotypical person, for example, crying about the order of something changing, but having no emotional reaction to a colleagues dog dying.

These are the things that for me make me think someone might be autistic if someone has at least a few of the above traits. This is based entirely from my own experience of having an autistic child and might be completely different from someone elses experience.

I was involved in a project set up by a charity who work with autistic kids, earlier this year. The BBC News have run a story on the project and put up some of our photos.

The exhibition/ project is called But You Don't Look Autistic.

And the point of it is that many of us autistic people have been told 'but you dont look autistic' or something to that effect, when we have told people we are autistic.

The project is showing how varied we all look, that while we know we have clusters of us (I'm a dyed hair Lucy and Yak wearing goth arty one, as are several of my autistic friends) who seem to share similarities in outfit choices etc, that we occur right across the board of interests, cultures, styles, preferences.

Naturally, the comments on the BBC News social media has been a pile of crap because both ND and NT people are commenting with criticisms and rudeness - which is super sad because the point of the project and exhibition is brilliant. All of the photos were taken by a little autistic girl.

The first time I stayed in DHs house I asked how a watch worked and he explained for an hour and a half straight. When I tried to leave the room/go for a pee he followed me out of the door and waited until I was done to carry on explaining. I thought it was adorable and still do. Thanks to my ADHD I can zone out and he doesn't care that I do so it's a good fit.

I'm proud to be who I am and nothing will make me change that, I'm successful but know I pull faces, say mad things,don't show emotion etc etc but that's me and luckily I'm loved by friends and family as I am aswell. Majority of the time I don't even know I'm doing half this stuff

My son has autism and he struggles with eye contact and when talking to people he often keeps talking to them and doesn't stop to let them answer. He also has a photographic memory and knows way too much info on musicians/bands/computer games/gundam models.

Another poster mentioned about walking on tip toes, my son was recently stopped from going in a bar as the doorman thought he was drunk due to they way he was walking. He has dyspraxia as well, I'd describe it as lolloping along.

I would agree with this. Plus often being self absorbed.

People with ASD find it difficult to relate to other people in the moment, and therefore come across as self-absorbed. People with ASD in my experience also seem to associate you with a specific conversation point and stick to that when they engage in small talk.

There is a woman at work who is direct, discompassionate and head of analysis. She can only talk to me about this specific food delivery service that I mentioned 2 years ago. I am not offended by it, but I would suggest that she thinks this is small talk and doesn't realise this makes her stick out.

I also find people with ASD are more likely to view things not going their way that they are in someway "victimised" and have problems with emmotional maturity i.e. they still love things and are fiercly protective of childhood pleasures. I see this alot with Star Wars, Marvel, Harry Potter etc..

because they tell you

i never make assumptions otherwise

Op, have you ever read 'The Rosie Project'?

One of my all time favourite books. To me (and I hope I am not offending anyone), but to me, it just a lovely take on how oblivious ND people can be on how endearing and fantastic their traits are to many, many people.

Wasn’t it a joke!!!

I don’t know if self absorbed is the correct word though I am not diagnosed autistic. More absorbed. -in whatever your brain is pondering or working out - not on yourself or how you appear to others.

Re someone laughing when it's not actually funny, like when OP's colleague laughed. NT people do that to facilitate a social situation, to show they are enjoying your company or to make you feel at ease or because they feel embarrassed.

I can imagine laughing in the same situation OP describes because I wouldn't be sure if they were being factual or funny. Whether I considered they were autistic or not. It's actually a way of connecting, even though you might not be sure what connection you are making.

Ugh horrible! So sorry people were so mean to you!

When I've wondered if colleagues were autistic it has been they were very rigidly focused on one thing they perceived (correctly) to have been an issue and unable to move past it and see the bigger picture until that minute detail was dealt with. The rest of us could acknowledge that the detail was a problem but we were able to see the other issues going on and discuss them as well in the same convo.

In work settings I might assume someone is autistic if they have a marked facial expression, are quiet, have 'quirky' social norms about them, seem shocked at any behaviour that isnt entirely normal (eg someone making a rude joke or acting a bit unprofessional in a way others would just laugh off).

In other settings, two people i have encountered in the past week who I instantly knew were autistic;

1. Came into a nightclub where I was helping to host an event. Saturday night, 0100 ish. Carrying a large plastic shopping bag and wearing a thin checked shirt and shorts that might be suitable for a beach. Smelt slightly. I spoke to him and he confirmed he was autistic.

2. I'm sitting having a drink alone in a bar. Man comes and sits with me and says hello. Talks very 'robotic'. Again has a slight smell to him, not over bearing, but a bit unclean or not quite washed his clothes properly. Gay bar. We got chatting and he told me he was autistic.

Both totally pleasant people but I could instantly tell. I know 'high functioning' isn't something we say now, but there was a difference between those two men i met outside of work, and my colleague who is autistic who doesn't present much differently to the next person but has small giveaways to her personality.

Of the second man i describe, he told me something that fits this too. Said he'd asked a couple of men out and they'd said they didn't want a relationship and he had taken this as this means he's ugly or they don't like him. I told him that I'd said similar before and it was just the truth, it didnt necessarily mean there was anything wrong with the person who had asked me out. He seemed very surprised at this.