15 year old “dropped” by friends

[Schoolworriesagainandagain]

Not sure what I can do if anything but grateful for advice.

My 15 year old dd had some vile messages from 2 school friends saying they are “dropping her”. She showed me the message it was awful. No reason given. In fact DD just back from a school trip with one of the girls. DD said they had a great time.

These 2 girls are DDs only real friends at school. She is a shy girl and has struggled to make friends at secondary school. I’ve always been a bit worried as these 2 girls have been best friends since primary school and socialise with each others parents - they’re related.

DD never saw them outside of school as they spent all their time with each other and their families however in school they spent lunch and break together.

I have no idea how DD will cope back in school next week without them. They are in her form and lots of lessons and DD said she knows they’re going to be awful to her.

They have reposted horrible videos on TikTok aimed at DD stuff like “when you get rid of that fking b*tch from your friendship group”.

DD hasn’t stopped crying and is so worried about being alone at school. I did email the school asking what support they could provide and they were useless said it “will pass” and the school is full of “lovely girls”. I was hoping for more.

I have told her when she goes back to school to join clubs to make friends, to go to the library at lunch time and to try and make new friends. DD said it’s too late, everyone has their friendship group now & she’s going to be a loner forever. I’m worried she’s right.

I had a similar experience in school going from a fairly stead small friend group to not much at all. My advice would be to focus on resilience and coping techniques. If she's in Y11 then this will be short lived. Sounds like she's found a way to occupy lunchtime so that's the worst bit sorted. I remember being very occupied with what people thought, who I might be able to hang around with that day etc until I started focusing on my future. What I wanted to study, what career I might want. School is nearly over!

I attended a different college to secondary school and I decided I wanted it to be different so I had to be different and more confident so I really made an effort. Doing things like introducing myself to new people and speaking up and I found new friends in college. Before I knew it, I was off to work and life had started. School wasn't easy but I survived and your DD will too. I later connected with people I'd known at school and they often tell me they were just as isolated and lonely. Funny how it all works out.

How was last week for everybody’s girls who are going through this?
My DD situation has unfortunately got worse. She asked a girls she knows from another lesson if she could join them at breaks and dinner. It’s a table if 3. All started ok however one day the girl she asked just stopped speaking to her and was sat in silence. The girls kept getting up and walking away not telling my DD where they were going etc. They were also getting up and walking to and chatting with the girls who have initially excluded my DD so it appears something has been said to them to change their feelings towards my DD. Such a shame as initially she came home saying breaks had been ok and they’d had a laugh, that’s all changed now and it appears she’s no longer welcome. It just gets worse, I’m at a loss of what to do.

Something similar happened to my DD but in year 9. Her friends just stopped talking to her or including her in days out etc, so she would see on their group chat that they had all gone roller skating or for a picnic and not invited her.

She had made a couple of connections - one in a club and one girl she sat next to in maths - outside of this group and we decided that at the end of term she would withdraw from walking with the group who ostracised her and we invited the other two girls round to the house a lot over the holidays.

Long story short she is now in year 11, very happy with a slightly quirky but happy group of friends who are loyal and kind. I always felt that other friends she had were fair weather friends - I could see they had different priorities and interests - whereas her new group are much more "heart friends".

She felt better when I told her something that someone once told me. "Friends are friends for a reason, for a season or for a lifetime". It doesn't mean her old friends never liked her, but they were friends for a reason (they clung together over the transition to year 7 from primary) or for a season (friends you interact with at Summer camp, for example) - but her current friends are "friends for a lifetime" friends.

Thank you for replying, my DD is already struggling and feeling very lonely so was brave in asking these other girls if she coukd sit with them. She’s in year 11 and now feels there’s no other person she coukd ask. I’m sure there would be someone but she says groups have already formed and if her previous friend group keep trying to ostracise her from new friendships what hope does she have.

Oh that’s rough @LongtimeLurker2 Am sorry DD was treated like that.

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to check in to wish you the best OP and hope you are doing what you can to look after yourself. This is hugely stressful for you, I get that.

My DD is 14 (year 10) and going through something similar. Her close friends have all left her school and she doesn't really have anyone to hang out with / no friends in lessons. Shes also shy and introverted so won't join clubs etc. Obviously not as bad as having been dropped or people being nasty to her, but she's still struggling with the isolation.

She's tearful most evenings at the thought of school, clearly anxious on the morning of school, low and exhausted when she gets home. Doesn't see anyone at weekends. I feel it's all on me to keep her spirits up - it's so hard. As well as the obvious challenges for her emotionally, I worry this isolation will affect her performance at school. How could it not?

But, like you, I feel it's too late to move school (plus weirdly she doesn't want to - I suppose starting again is also really scary). I guess we just have to keep trying our best to support them. I'm counting down the weeks and terms tbh.

Oh god I’m so sorry to hear this, I feel everyone’s pain.

longtime everything you’ve written is as if I’ve written it myself, I relate 100%. And I just wish our DDs were in the same school.

I felt physically ill every day last week. I emailed the school again. I’d checked their pastoral policies on the school website which offered amazing things like a buddy system, mentoring, a support dog!, counselling and more. In my email I formally asked for help from the school I explained how DD is not eating, is anxious and alone at every break. I got a reply which addressed none of my issues and just said school cubs are starting up soon. What a let down.

DD told me she is in a few classes where she sat on a a table of 2 alone while everyone else including her ex friends sit chatting away on tables. Do the teachers not see this? Why is there one table of 2? Ironically DD says last year these 2 ex friends were rarely in the same classes together but now they’re in most of the classes together lucky them!

DD is also shy and won’t join clubs. She says people go to clubs with their friends. She also says friendship groups have formed and it’s now too late for her.

I also spend weekends trying to make her life better, today we are going bowling and yesterday the cinema. We are playing board games as a family most nights, she says the thought of it gets her through the day. My heart breaks as soon her older brothers are going back to uni so we won’t be able to do the board games.

I am so grateful to everyone sharing their experiences as it helps to feel we are not alone. I have noticed my friends and family have stopped asking how things are going now, I guess they lose interest but this is our life and we don’t get to forget.

Dreading another school week and half term is 5 weeks away.

tweeti so so sorry this is happening to you and your DD I really hope things improve have you spoken to the school?

Thanks OP. I have spoken the school and they've done what they can I guess - suggested clubs, asked a TA to look out for her in lessons and also made her teachers aware. They offered counselling / mentoring which she refused as she doesn't want to draw attention to herself. She won't join clubs for the same reason as your DD - she says people go with friends.

She also says the friendship groups are "set" and that's that now. But new people seem to join the school and make friends? Perhaps what she means is that people have a view of her as a certain type and she can't break free from that to try to make new friends. In fact, my DS used to say a similar thing when he was at school although he was very lucky that he had two close friends all the way through so it wasn't really an issue for him.

I totally get what you mean about dreading the coming school week. It's like a black cloud hanging over everything isn't it?

it's worth reading the queen bees and wannabes book - it really breaks down the dynamics and the roles girls play around the queen bees. It can be so liberating to understand why some situations go the way they do, even if you can't change them, just knowing helps. it even changed how I looked back at some of my schooldays - so many situatons where I thought the problem was me but it really wasn't!

@Schoolworriesagainandagain how 8s your dd getting on?

My DD who is in year 11 currently going through same thing. Had a “Snapchat” the night before her first mock GCSE exam saying her friends want nothing to do with her. No reason given.

DD very upset. She’s been completely ostracised and now has no one to sit with at break.

Im really worried about her as she is so down. Trying to convince her to change schools for sixth form for a fresh start.

I hate seeing her so unhappy. I’ve picked her up from school a few times and see everyone else walking out in groups giggling and laughing and there’s DD walking on her own looking so miserable 😞

Tell the school - tell her form teacher, Head of Year and any counsellor if the school has one. Ask if they can have a quiet word to reassure her it is nothing she has done, and see if they can pair her up with any other quiet girl who has few friends - there will be some others. They might also recommend a lunchtime club or two she can join so she is not struggling on her own without them. Maybe also introduce her to an older girl to meet up with and walk out of school with on the way home - a nice person who understands how to behave.

At home, give her lots of treats - maybe some new clothes and favourite foods and films, and spend time with her, chatting about that sort of behaviour. Tell her it may seem like they are judging her but it is time for her to judge them. What does she think of people who post vile Tiktoks designed to make others feel sad and isolated. Ask her to rate them out of 10 for a) kindness, b) loyalty c) trustworthyness d)respect e) friendship material. Her scores will be low. Explain that she is in the driving seat here. She has every right to evaluate them and scorn them for their pathetic behaviour and to decide she never wants anything more to do with them or any other bully. That she is ready to make space in her life only for people who are kind and loyal.

Maybe help her explore some new clubs and interests outside of school. If she is quiet, are there craft groups or art groups she might like? Would she be prepared to consider a youth theatre. It might sound counterintuitive if she is shy but it might help her come out of her shell, and although there will be some big egos, ime, they are often very inclusive places. Reassure her that this is a horrible time in her life and she has every right to feel very shaken, but long term, it is better to be alone for a while than to try to make bullies like her. This is a life lesson, to rise above people who reveal themselves to be scum, and to learn to trust that she is better than that and always will be. She deserves good friends and needs to make space in her life for them.

What scum these people are. DS had this in the first year of uni. His entire 'friendship' group unfriended him the night before his end of year exams. He was in tears. I had to point out that it was clearly designed to shake him and lower his marks - that it was the strategic move of a group of people who didn't deserve a second glance from him. He soon made other much nicer friends and started to really enjoy life.

I agree, absolute scum.

Unfortunately I think phones are partly to blame as some people seem able to be mean by text in a way they wouldn’t dare in person. Especially using Snapchat where it disappears - how cowardly is that.

So sorry Perputal I hope your DD can manage to lift herself up. It’s shitty timing as she can’t really move in GCSE year, but agree looking ahead to 6th form might help her. Does she do any extra curriculars that might be a source of new friends?

This happened to me 53 years ago; it’s shit, and not being addressed did leave me with some scars. Give your DDs a big hug from me and give yourselves a big hug for being their advocates.

This happened to me too - many years ago. To be honest at a time when schools were rubbish in terms of pastoral support and parents were less involved. I had lovely parents but 1970's parents let you get on with things - not saying that's right. Easier because there was no social media so home was a refuge.
However making yourself ill will not help. Your daughter is 15 and there will be lots of bumps and craters in the road ahead of her. You need to help her manage the situation the best she can. In the end I decided that the next 7 months would be me planning my future - studying for my exams - home and school. That school was just for work. I honestly didn't try to make new friends. My parents were very much behind me - different school for sixth form. Real friends at Uni. I survived. You need to be positive with her. Acknowledge that it is a shit situation but she will survive. Also stop sharing at work, with friends etc. If you can't be resilient, not eating, crying etc - how is your daughter going to move forward. Also, shit will continue to happen (to all of us). I had a great uni experience then moved away to work..terrible accommodation, bullying boss and was so lonely... but eventually sorted myself out. Your daughter is experiencing life and it isn't always easy.

I bought this book @ForestStamp - I don't have any children but I understand the dynamics from my own time at school and university and this is informing my research.

How is your dd getting on? You are right to be worried sick. This kind of situation can lead to suicidal thoughts.

Regarding the lonely wandering at break time: when this happened to me I came up with a lot of ways to kill time.

I just felt so exposed and embarrassed - some classes were awful as I never had anyone to partner with and an odd number would mean I had to be awkwardly joined to some other pair or work alone. I truly think schools should have a policy that no one chooses their class partner!

I know she feels she can’t bring herself to join clubs at lunch or break but it will help. Join ones that don’t require you to participate too much eg a choir or a coding club.

One other idea: If she is taking Food tech or DT or Art she could volunteer to help the teachers in the classroom - often there will be younger kids staying behind to finish work or the teacher can use a hand tidying up. She has to be brave - it’s so hard - but teachers are not awful. If she is rejected it won’t be personal. She could say to the teacher “I’m looking to fill my breaktimes since none of my old friends are available at break or lunch any more. I wondered if I could be any use helping out here, maybe checking that equipment is tidied away, or helping with any junior pupils who need extra help with their practical or written work.”

Art would be great for this, since there is no dangerous equipment.

@Tweeti you are so right. You just feel like everyone knows you are friendless, that you got dumped. It’s the worst feeling, and it stays with you for years and years in future social situation.

Then it gets worse - you are completely invisible. Absolutely no one notices you. You aren’t even worth being spoken to badly. Sometimes you can go an entire day without speaking to anyone at school at all, in total silence. Even the teachers seem to pick up that you’re withdrawn - you give off “please don’t notice my sad and lonely state” vibes so the teachers don’t pick on you to answer questions and you certainly don’t put your hand up because that would make people notice you are alone.

It’s quite likely her former friends have been bad-mouthing her and OP’s dd has a reputation as being an outcast and not worthy of friendship. She will be reinforcing this by feeling socially anxious and unable to reproduce anything like a normal cheerful teenage response to another human being. She is at rock bottom.

It will therefore indeed be hard maybe impossible to break into existing friendships.

Her best bet is to find someone else who is also in this horrible situation - someone totally friendless who she can trauma-bond with. She can possible find those people by keeping her eyes open in class and registration, or by joining nerdy clubs, or possibly hanging out at student support.

The repercussions of this will affect the poor girl for a long time. It’s a scarring thing to happen. It’s imperative she does find a friend in or out of achool.

I made a friend in this situation myself and we lost touch as she moved away after university. She did become more isolated after she moved - she couldn’t really ever make new friends but she hid the fact. Hid her loneliness. Sadly she took her own life later in adult life, and I forever carry the guilt that I did not do enough to help her transition into the adult world. I thought she had recovered but I don’t think she ever did .
Please look after your girls and keep them close to you - they must know they are loved and wanted and they will make it through. If they will talk let them talk, let them cry and wail and tell you about that awful prison which is called a school. Hold them, love them, don’t let them sink.

15 year old daughter dropped by friends...response ..this will lead to a mental health crisis and suicidal thoughts..the MN world really has lost the plot.

Eh? That’s not a fair synopsis.

Hope posters’ DC are doing OK. Mine is doing better but still finding things hard day to day at school, it must be quite full on being somewhere 5 full days a week with the same people and handling all the dynamics.

The exam period is making it harder, when DD isn’t doing an exam she’s in a study period surrounded by former friends but sat on her own.

Im planning lots of things for us to do to try and take her mind off things. Lots of focus on looking at new schools for sixth form.

I did contact the school who were pretty useless, there is very little pastoral support. There sole focus is exam results. DD told me she felt so anxious yesterday she had to go to the office yesterday afternoon. She said the receptionist was lovely & asked her if she wanted to call me. DD didn’t think she just wanted somewhere quiet to go to sit for a bit 😥

How are things going with your daughter? Mine is going through something very similar and finding school very lonely. There’s Christmas events coming up she wants no part of as she’s no group to hang around with. Such a rubbish situation, she’s down and it’s hard to see her like this.

This happened to me 45 years ago at the age of 13, it had been building for a while. They also got boys in the class to join in throwing things at me etc in class. Thankfully no SM then for it to continue at home, as pp said 70's parents and teachers just left you to get on with it.
I tagged along with another group of girls which was embarrassing, we didn't see each other out of school but they were kind enough to let me and it was better than being on my own.
I really remember the feeling of dread which got worse as Sunday wore on. It hasn't left any lasting scars I don't think, I often used to think if things were difficult in my 20's "at least I'm not at school".
I hope things are better for ops daughter, she'll find her tribe but might need to leave school for it to happen.