15 year old “dropped” by friends

[Schoolworriesagainandagain]

Not sure what I can do if anything but grateful for advice.

My 15 year old dd had some vile messages from 2 school friends saying they are “dropping her”. She showed me the message it was awful. No reason given. In fact DD just back from a school trip with one of the girls. DD said they had a great time.

These 2 girls are DDs only real friends at school. She is a shy girl and has struggled to make friends at secondary school. I’ve always been a bit worried as these 2 girls have been best friends since primary school and socialise with each others parents - they’re related.

DD never saw them outside of school as they spent all their time with each other and their families however in school they spent lunch and break together.

I have no idea how DD will cope back in school next week without them. They are in her form and lots of lessons and DD said she knows they’re going to be awful to her.

They have reposted horrible videos on TikTok aimed at DD stuff like “when you get rid of that fking b*tch from your friendship group”.

DD hasn’t stopped crying and is so worried about being alone at school. I did email the school asking what support they could provide and they were useless said it “will pass” and the school is full of “lovely girls”. I was hoping for more.

I have told her when she goes back to school to join clubs to make friends, to go to the library at lunch time and to try and make new friends. DD said it’s too late, everyone has their friendship group now & she’s going to be a loner forever. I’m worried she’s right.

Do you think the bullies are going to say, oh, dear, we were nasty and she sure showed us by not coming back?
Will they hell.

If you had read my post properly then no, I don’t think they are going to say that. I know what 15 year old girls are like. They also won’t say “OMG she’s back at school! We didn’t win. She’s such a big brave person”. They will continue to make her life shit and laugh at her.

Some parents do like to snowflake their children and think they can't cope with anything and then the only result is to remove them and keep them at home.

I expressed an opinion of what I would do. The fact you have jumped to calling me a snowflake off the back of that shows exactly what kind of person you are! By posting on a forum I assume the OP was looking for a range of advice / opinions so she can make an informed decision. No need to be nasty about it

Another one who had this happen to them at the same age. Unlike others I didn’t make new friends and I spent my last year of school either not there or alone every break and lunch time.

My school didn’t allow us inside at breaks, we couldn’t use the library, we could only use toilets in one building so there was no hiding in there. It was absolutely hideous, I begged my mum to let me move schools but she refused. No one, and I mean no one, spoke to me for that whole year outside of maybe having to speak to me in lesson. I’m early 40’s now and it has never left me. And I’ve never forgiven my mum for making me go.

My DD’s aren’t that age yet but if this happens to them I’ll move hell and high water to protect them from it. Damage to their mental health carries through long after school has finished.

Agreed. Anyone who thinks otherwise has probably never been bullied

Your poor DD. 15/16 is a horrendous age. I would never want to relive those years, "friends" can be so cruel at that age. My guess is that it's something out of her control, a boy one of them fancies happens to fancy her or something. My life was made hell by a girl because of that exact situation at that age.
Cyber bullying in my opinion is one of the most horrendous forms as you can't leave the school gates and be free of the bullying until you start school again the next day, it follows you home. You need to download/screen record those tik toks and have as much evidence as possible in case you need to build a case with the school about what they are doing as its serious. Don't give them time to delete it and deny it. I hope it blows over and all turns out OK for your DD but I certainly wouldn't trust those girls ever again

I feel for your daughter OP.

I was shy at school and something similar happened to me when I was 14. What happened for me was, I managed to mention it to another girl in my class who thought it was appalling behaviour on the other girls' parts and took me under her wing a bit, bringing me into her friendship group so I kind of ended up with more friends than I'd had before. So it can end well, if there's anyone nice in her form like that.

This is horrible OP and I really feel for you and your DD - we went through similar. We encourage our 2 DS to have clubs outside of school, one got really involved in Duke of Edinburgh and it gave them lots of confidence and a new set of friends. The other was heavily into gaming and didn't really care about ppl at school. I'd say concentrate on things that will give confidence but away from school. Also, if you have family of the same age (cousins or whatever) perhaps try to increase socialising a bit so she doesn't feel so lonely.

This happened to me at school and it was horrible. Is one the ringleader? I made some lovely friends and distanced myself from that group and then they turned on another girl! It’s truly awful but the school should offer her support when they are all back. Sorry she’s going through this, social media makes this kind of stuff even more awful!

This happened to my daughter - she would spend the initial aftermath in the toilets at lunch and break which made me feel awful but she said she’d preferred. It didn’t last long before another group invited her to join them. She was on the outskirts of a few groups for a while but she ended year 11 in a much better position, back friends with the old group but different dynamic but also a much wider friendship group where she can dip in and out which suits her. She’s off to college and I’m hoping she makes some new friends there.

honestly it’s a horrible time but they do figure it out x

Depressing update, dd and I met with head of year. She made sure the seating plan was changed so dd didn’t have to sit with these former friends and that was it really.

DD has been messaging me saying she is alone and has no one to sit with at lunch. She’s been spending it in the library. She’s now started saying she can’t go in. I get these messages when I’m at work so I’m getting upset too.

No clubs yet as term just started.

I know it’s early days but just so depressed by it all. I know DD is shy but wish she’d just go up to people and ask to sit with them.

I just don’t know what if anything I can do.

Go back to the school, and ask them how they are going to sort it out. Don’t give in or give up.

I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. Just reading your post makes my stomach hurt thinking back.

I emailed the school asking if there is anywhere DD can go at break, she said she just wanders around the school at break on her own. Lunchtime thank god she can go to the library.

She is so lonely and it breaks my heart. Selfishly I can’t cope with it all either really struggling to work and go home and deal with all this.

Is she a reader OP? A good book goes a long way if you haven’t anyone to talk to. I know it’s not the same as friends but would at least make her feel and look self sufficient.

Yes she loves reading that’s what she’s doing in the library at lunchtime.

I knew with the headline this was girls. Show the video to the pastoral care team to get a record. As a girl dad encourage her to cultivate organic friendships even though she will be scarred. Time always heals but the biggest thing is when they see her happy and thriving in the future - they will invite her back. She cannot say yes under any circumstances

Happened to me too. This book is really good.

www.amazon.co.uk/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-boyfriends-realities/dp/0749924373

Is she year 11?

If she is, there isn't much you can do about other children at this age, there are likely some kinder girls out there but they won't really notice your daughter is alone if she is in the library at lunchtime. If she is Y11, then she should use all her time to get on top of her GCSE revision and get the grades to have options, there will be college open days towards the end of this month usually, can you register and look at those, a mixed college might be a better environment moving forward, if a'levels are her goal.

Op I think you need to push down your upset and be like her biggest ally, cheerleader and advocate. It’s one more year at school and the school don’t sound like they are doing enough.
I would be pushing school hard but then looking for outside stuff for Dd to build friends and self esteem and a plan to go college afterwards. What hobbies might DD try? Dance, army cadets, karate etc etc. Join gym with her and take her out together if she won’t entertain hobbies - though they’d do her good. Then start the narrative about how to leave this school behind, how she can get good grades and move to college where she will find her tribe! College and uni are nothing like school. She will very likely thrive there. But focus on getting her through this year with as much positivity from you as possible. If she gets so unhappy though - believe her and remove her! She can always resit at college. But try pushing school for more, encourage hobbies or activities with you outside house, and emphasise that school is not the world and she will find true friends in future. Best of luck x

I also knew it'd be girls.

I hope something gets sorted soon. Ds2 was ostracised at secondary. He was also shy. He ended up self harming and suicidal. Thankfully he's in his 20s now and has a good career. It is usually girls that do this but in his case was boys. I wish I'd taken him out of there. He's the nicest person you could meet. His school was shit.

Sending so much love to you both. It's horrendous.

That was unnecessarily nasty.

I bet you were a dream at school? And now?

My dn was terribly bullied too. She now has fab friends from uni ,a partner and a fantastic job living in a great place. I imagine her bullies are still in the shit hole town doing fuck all?

That's awful op. Your poor daughter. Screenshot, tell school ( and send proof) insist that she is moved forms as a matter of urgency ( from tomorrow) and that they deal with any further bullying immediately.

Moving seats is not good enough by a long shot.