15 year old “dropped” by friends

[Schoolworriesagainandagain]

Not sure what I can do if anything but grateful for advice.

My 15 year old dd had some vile messages from 2 school friends saying they are “dropping her”. She showed me the message it was awful. No reason given. In fact DD just back from a school trip with one of the girls. DD said they had a great time.

These 2 girls are DDs only real friends at school. She is a shy girl and has struggled to make friends at secondary school. I’ve always been a bit worried as these 2 girls have been best friends since primary school and socialise with each others parents - they’re related.

DD never saw them outside of school as they spent all their time with each other and their families however in school they spent lunch and break together.

I have no idea how DD will cope back in school next week without them. They are in her form and lots of lessons and DD said she knows they’re going to be awful to her.

They have reposted horrible videos on TikTok aimed at DD stuff like “when you get rid of that fking b*tch from your friendship group”.

DD hasn’t stopped crying and is so worried about being alone at school. I did email the school asking what support they could provide and they were useless said it “will pass” and the school is full of “lovely girls”. I was hoping for more.

I have told her when she goes back to school to join clubs to make friends, to go to the library at lunch time and to try and make new friends. DD said it’s too late, everyone has their friendship group now & she’s going to be a loner forever. I’m worried she’s right.

Ok she has six months to go. That's all. If she can bare it, can she just treat it as a temporary place of work. Head down, get the job done, move schools for sixth form.

If she can't bare it at all I would allow her to work from home and go in for exams only.

Poor thing. Not her fault at all.

Actually nine months. Sorry was being optimistic there.

This exact thing happened to my daughter. She was distraught. I emailed the head of year, he was fantastic. Got the girls together and tried seeing if they would reconcile, when that wasn’t going to be successful, he moved my daughter to a new form group and different classes to her ex friends… it didn’t take long and my daughter now has a lovely new friendship group, in fact it’s made her realise how toxic the old friendship was.

@Princesspollyyy that's wonderful. So glad your dd had an amazing head.

Oh bless her. This happened to me too, it was awful, I was so glad to go home everyday. Just make home a really safe relaxing space for her. If there's any other girls outside school she can hang out with, or groups like drama clubs etc then encourage her to go to these. Honestly girls can be so vile.

OP I can imagine how unbelievably hard this is for your DD and for you. You are doing the best for her. There’s lots of good advice on this thread. See Princesspolly’s recent post and maybe try to push for those things with school’s head, or head of year? Ultimately this may just be a time of difficulty and tears that you just need to deal with and get through and help your DD through as best you can. One thing is for sure: those girls are awful, and as horrible & lonely as it feels, it’s far far better to be on your own than to have awful people as friends. Being alone leaves you open to meet new potential friends, and figure out who you are. Good luck OP, hugs to your DD, stay strong for her.

OP, how is your daughter getting on? I could have written this thread myself as going through the same situation. My daughter’s friends turned on her then dropped her just before the summer holidays so as you can imagine she has been very lonely since. Going back to school was difficult for her and she’s now isolated and alone. I, like yourself am also struggling to work as I’m sick with worry. We text through the day, she’s trying to talk to other friend groups however this is proving difficult as girls from her old friend group seem to keep interfering with this process then the new girls go quiet on her. She feels unwanted by them too. It’s so sad to watch this happen. School have not been great in helping, they’ve offered space in learning support to go to at break and dinner but I’m worried about the isolation of that. It’s keeping me awake at night with worry, I wish I could pull her out of this school but it’s such a difficult year to do that. Thankfully her lessons are ok it’s just breaks she’s very much on her own.

Solidarity longtimelurker sounds an identical situation to my DDs. It’s horrendous & I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. What year is your DD in?

DD was happy at school when she had friends & now the light has disappeared from her eyes. She is so sad & desperately lonely. Like your DDs experience the lessons are ok it’s the break & lunch when she’s on her own . This is of course when they miss their friends the most. I would feel lonely too.

The school haven’t been great but I’m not sure what else they can do. Making new friends is hard for adults let alone young people.

I now dread getting a message on my phone in case it’s her. I have to pick her up from school later and I dread it. She will get in the car trying so hard not to cry after another day on her own.

People tell me it will get better for her but not sure I believe it. Feel so down and depressed.

My daughter’s just gone into year 11. Girls can be so cruel, I feel like this is going to ruin her last year of high school.
My daughter was also very happy at school, she loved it, sadly this is no longer the case and dreaded going in this morning. She just wants someone she can sit and have a laugh and a chat with. This came totally out of the blue for her with these girls, one used to be at our house often and they were always on the phone. I think she finds the quietness hard. They had a group chat which has been silent since before the holidays.
She didn’t speak to a single friend over summer, it was heartbreaking.
I agree making new friends is hard, I’ve encouraged her to go and chat to different girls who she knows from class however that’s apparently not the done thing and you can’t just walk up to other groups to chat. I worry groups are now well established and difficult to join.

She also doesn’t like to talk about it much at home as she says she’s had to deal with it all day in school and wants a break at home. I know exactly how you feel as a mum going through this. I try to be strong for my daughter but have been very upset privately over it all.

Hugs longtimelurker my DD has also gone into year 11 how I wish with all my heart your DD and mine were at the same school they could be friends. I don’t suppose you are in Kent?

Yes watching their loneliness is utterly utterly heartbreaking. My dd says the same she just wants to have someone to chat and laugh with. Last night DD was crying & saying she doesn’t think she can cope with her life being like this at school & the loneliness.I also hear how it isn’t the done thing to go up to others & ask if you can spend break with them etc.

It’s their GCSE year so we can’t even change their school. I worry DD will start refusing to go into school & I will end up homeschooling her. Every day she goes in I tell myself that is more GCSE material learnt. I think GCSE exams are in May so 8 months to go.

I talk to DE about going to a new sixth form college for a fresh start next year but it doesn’t help with her current situation. As a family we are doing stuff like going to the cinema but it’s no substitute for friends.

I am utterly miserable but Thankyou so much for posting as it really does help to know I and my DD are not alone.

Oh OP, exactly the same situation here and we have made the decision today to un-enroll her and home school. I am telling the school tomorrow. She started back last Thursday and had an awful day, would not go in on Friday and we had a terrible weekend. Today she went in and attended no lessons at all and then walked out at 2pm. These kind of days mean that I have constant texts and calls from her and then calls from school. I am trying to hold down a quite senior full time position and I can't do it anymore. I am enrolling her with EdSpace on-line schooling and will also utilise Oak Academy and other free resources. Will probably mean my weekends are taken up with making sure she is up to speed and then have to register her to sit GCSE's as an external candidate and pay. She already seems 100% happier since we had the conversation and made the decision this evening.

wantto so sorry to hear your DD has had a similar experience. It’s absolutely heartbreaking. Could the school not send work home for your DD so that she can sit the exams via the school still?

My friends daughter was bullied badly & ended up having her GCSE work sent home and marked by the teacher and just went into school to sit the exams.

Glad your daughter is happier now you’ve made the decision to remove her. Does she see anyone outside of school, do any clubs etc? My DD does nothing her whole life was via her school friends.

Sadly we are nowhere near Kent. Such a shame we can’t all get our girls together to support and befriend each other.

I’ve been trying to think of clubs my daughter could join to meet girls her age. I’ve suggested we start doing a sport together such as boxing or karate but she doesn’t seem too keen. I thought those things would build confidence too. It’s the same situation again where by lots of children go to clubs from young so have established friend groups. She loves to dance/cheer however to start that just it appears would be difficult as her age are in higher set classes. I’d do anything to try and help her socialise outside of school to give her something to look forward to with her peers.

longtimelurker same, I was frantically googling to see if any clubs where we live but as you say difficult to start at this age. I did try to encourage DD to join clubs when she was little but she hated them, we tried rainbows, brownies etc but she went a few times then gave up. Kind of wish we’d persevered now.

I have just calculated whilst trying to relax in the bath, that there is only really 7 months left of school before DD finishes and takes her GCSEs. It seems like forever. I don’t know how she or I will manage.

I am trying to be upbeat with her, we played her favourite board games tonight with her brothers, we walked the dog after school but I can’t maintain this positivity. I feel sick and can’t eat. My friends are sick of me my work colleagues too.

It makes you ill doesn’t it the worry. I wake up in the night thinking about it and what’s to come. I’d lost weight before the summer due to the stress. Sadly gained it back over the break while she was off school but struggled to eat again today. My manager has been so supportive and calls me to check how things are daily, this always ends with me in tears. It impacts everything.
You’re doing well keeping her busy at home with games and walks, I walk with my daughter lots and we talk about it during that time. I feel she needs a friend and want to be that for her too as well as mum.
At least they feel they can come home and talk to us, that’s something.

Well done for listening to your daughter and reacting to the situation. I hope the homeschooling goes well ❤️

Instead of clubs, how about volunteering? If your daughter likes animals there are quite a lot of opportunities to meet a new set of friends that way. Christmas is coming up and extra volunteers are often needed in things like food and clothing banks, or centres that organise Christmas presents for children. I agree starting a new sport at age 15 is tough / needs a lot of self esteem.

or she could meet new people through a Saturday job. I worked at Sainsbury’s age 15 and met loads of other teens there - not sure what the starting age in supermarkets is these days

Great suggestions thank you, I can look into the volunteering and job situation. I will enquire with our local supermarket, I expect lots of college students have these jobs too so might be nice to meet a slightly older crowd.

Very sorry your DD is going through this. And other posters too. Mine is too, to a lesser extent. Find it really hard.

my daughter has been going through a similar thing this year and it was making me so ill with the constant worry, so i’ve had to try and reason with myself that this is just a difficult chapter and hopefully things will get better with time. she has people she can hang around with at school, but no close friendships and doesn’t have contact with anyone outside of school. she’s ok day to day but i can feel it’s knocked her confidence in herself and she’s lonely. it’s sad but reassuring to hear that others are going through similar situations as it can feel like every other kid is happy with good friendship groups. I’ve spent so much time searching mumsnet for posts about people experiencing similar things with their kids with eventual positive outcomes, and there are some, so it gives me hope that it’ll all work itself out in time, it’s just so hard to live through it right now.

Alot dont find good friends till 6th form/collage.
One of my dds is very similar situation. She went to a different school to her friends from primary school. And has definitely struggled in secondary school finding friend groups.
She has people to say hi to but doesnt have a best friend and often spends lunch looking for somewhere quiet around the school to eat. Won't use the cafeteria.
She is also very shy so sits by herself as much as she can.
But I do think as she gets bit older and meets different people in college she will find more people like her.

Never to late! I found a good group of friends in year ten, after being friends with just one person for 3 years piror who was a absolute nightmare those year ten friends we are all still friends today decades later!
hope she finds friends, just tell her to chat to others it will happen trust me.

Thankyou for the reassuring words! Was awake all night feeling sick with worry. I think I do need to accept it’s a difficult time and hope things will improve. I keep telling DD at least in sixth form there is a common room so always somewhere to sit at break.

It just feels so hard. I have an older DS who sailed through school with loads of friends the difference was he did sports and DD refuses too.

Even work doesn’t seem to distract me as soon as break time approached and I know DD will be wandering around the school alone I start to feel really worried and upset,

I have an older DC with MH issues. In that DC’s case things seem to be looking up after a challenging few years. We’re now additionally worried about 15yo DC, the impact of their social situation on their mental health.

DH and I found it helpful to recognise that our older DC’s situation was and remains a significant emotional problem for us. Eg fear, worry, late nights and immediate parenting in response to bad days and crises, feeling worried about leaving DC home alone.

DH was OK most of the time and occasionally something got to him and he became very upset. I found it more of a day to day fear and drain, always on my mind and felt bad inside. Found it hard to engage with other things - eg avoided doing things, socialising and had less to give at work. I still do loads of boring, self help things for mental health (exercise, avoiding alcohol etc) and a while back sought help for my own mental health through a work employee assistance scheme, which helped.

If the worry is affecting your sleep and day to day, that seems an indicator to care for yourself as well as DC.