15 year old “dropped” by friends

[Schoolworriesagainandagain]

Not sure what I can do if anything but grateful for advice.

My 15 year old dd had some vile messages from 2 school friends saying they are “dropping her”. She showed me the message it was awful. No reason given. In fact DD just back from a school trip with one of the girls. DD said they had a great time.

These 2 girls are DDs only real friends at school. She is a shy girl and has struggled to make friends at secondary school. I’ve always been a bit worried as these 2 girls have been best friends since primary school and socialise with each others parents - they’re related.

DD never saw them outside of school as they spent all their time with each other and their families however in school they spent lunch and break together.

I have no idea how DD will cope back in school next week without them. They are in her form and lots of lessons and DD said she knows they’re going to be awful to her.

They have reposted horrible videos on TikTok aimed at DD stuff like “when you get rid of that fking b*tch from your friendship group”.

DD hasn’t stopped crying and is so worried about being alone at school. I did email the school asking what support they could provide and they were useless said it “will pass” and the school is full of “lovely girls”. I was hoping for more.

I have told her when she goes back to school to join clubs to make friends, to go to the library at lunch time and to try and make new friends. DD said it’s too late, everyone has their friendship group now & she’s going to be a loner forever. I’m worried she’s right.

I can’t move her school as she’s going into year 11 & already started her GCSEs or can I? My understanding is not all schools follow the same GCSE curriculum and grammar schools especially don’t.

. I did email the school asking what support they could provide and they were useless said it “will pass” and the school is full of “lovely girls”. I was hoping for more.

They're not wrong though. Teenage girls can be absolutely vile. I think you'd struggle to find a teenage girl who hasn't been through this sometime or another. It will pass. If it continues when she returns to school, you'll have to inform them again and keep on at them.

She goes back to school head, held high. She completely ignores these girls. There is a dignity in silence that no amount of words can convey.

She does whatever she can to make new friends.

I wouldn't, why should she leave her good grammar school just because of those two.

If she's only got a year left, surely she can get through just keeping a head down and staying away from them

Very well said @BlueyGreyWhale. Don’t move her schools Op - don’t let those little witches ruin her education.

Im so sorry for your daughter and will never understand why people can be so bloody awful!
School have a duty of care and can at least try to seat her with people she might get on with in lessons? Contact her form tutor and pastoral care and make sure they know its not just a little falling out.
You've given her some great advice. It sounds like she fell in with those two, which was never going to go well, and didn't have the opportunity to make other friends. Its horrible but she will be OK x

That is vile bit honestly I think dropping your friends at 15 is unforgiveable. She should be angry at them, but use that anger to find nicer friends.

Friendship groups move loads at that age. We adopted several over the years into our group (before they then kicked me out lol). She needs to be bolder to make friends.

My grandson was a quiet lad and when his best friend moved schools he became friendly with 2 girls . He was very close, as a friend , to one of them and she regularly went to his house . He even went camping with her family. He went away for a week and when he came back she broke off the friendship for no apparent reason and also tried to turn other classmates against him. His mum confronted her dad at school . He was unaware what had been going on at school and literally wiped the floor with his daughter. Mum also made school aware. The bullying stopped but DGS was still alone . He spent a lot of time in the library . For a long time he mainly had just online gaming friends. When he was old enough to travel independently he reconnected with his friend who had moved . He also got a part time job. It’s been a long haul and heartbreaking at times but he now has a new group of friends and seems happy . Hope your daughter finds a new group
of nice friends x

My DD has had issies at high school (selective grammar, no fees, very competitive and that's not a stealth boast as it was a shit environment, it has to allocate 25% of places to local catchment, hence DD got in... )

My very limited exerience is that most grammars have the emphasis on results, SEN is maybe 3 hours a week off timetsble for some teacher who may ormay not gave wanted the role, and pastoral is a token gesture at best.

Definitely get the video downloaded or record it being played on another device, hiwever you can,get a copy.

Screenshot all the messages: if your Dds phone shows se has taken a screenshot and she would be wrried by tjis, again,photo themessages on screen from your phone.

Email all the evidence to school.

You might encounter any of the followi g issues, if so, this might help:

It happened outside of school so not for school to deal with / tackle the issue:

Thr relationship between your DD and these girls is purely through school- they have a relationshion ship of being pupils at the same school. Therefore this is a school issue to deal with as the incident will impact DD within school.

Has to be repeated incidents to be bullying:

No it does not, this is a clear attack of your dd to bully, isolate and publicising it on social media has made this available to other peers within school.

You need to ask as others have said:
Copy of bullying policy
How will school be dealing with this in 2 ways: support for your DD and how will the 2 girls that have bullied your dd directly and via social media be deslt with? (If school say they cannot disclose actions involving other pupils you can acknowledge this but say as a result of you deali g with the two girls you need to know what actions are being taken to keep your dd safe from them)

Will either your DD be moved to opposite half of year / new form group or these two girls (which would be your preference?) and are they going to be separated from each other to minimise opportunity for further incidents? Will their families be brought in to discuss this?

Straight away mention mental health and that, irrelevant of the impact, you will not be moving your DD from the school as she is in GCSEs, so it will remain the school's issue to deal with. If your DD has her attendance impacted by being worried and stressed about this issue it is the school's respinsibility (as per the Attendance Framework August 2024) to identify and remove barriers to a child's education, therefore it is their responsibility to deal with this issue to ensure your DD feels safe and cam attend school. I hope they don't, but, if the school make any suggestion that poor attendance can lead to further action / fines etc just remind them it doesn't - it is only if the school choose to take this action, it isn't instigated or demanded by the LA but instead decided and prompted by the school, and so they would be consciously making the decision to start any action, not the LA, and if so, they would beed to evidence they had identified and removed any barriers to attendance (go back to above points!)

Tell your dd to have a book with her so if she is on her own she can look busy, def use the library for a safe quiet space, study and she can look busy.

Ask staff to source other safe spaces for her - also check classes, are these girls in sny of sameclasses, ask school to split them as state your DD does bot deel safe amd won't be able to focus as will feel intimidated. Seating plans to be checked etc also.

Ask what system thry use for recording incidents, eg CPOMs, and ask them to confirm the incident, with evidence, has been logged against ALL concerned pupils.

Email it comprehensively to school so you have a written record and if you get any phone calls/ have meryings nake notes to quick email your summary to school so you keep that written records.

If your DD mentions that there have been any issues in school, especially any messages via email / chat systems in school if necessary you can make a Data Subjevt Access Request to view all data sbout your child includi g all messages thst she has written or been mentioned in, etc, I did it (school tried to charge me but I got in touch with ICO who were brilliant and successfully challenged the fee)

Hopefully this is all OTT but get ready to make school act on this, act thoroughly and swiftly, keep on at them to make sure they look after your DD.

It is awful, bug hugs, tell your DDshe is better off without them even if it won't feel like this now

I have mentioned this on previous posts but cadets are a brilliant organisation if your local squadron is well run, for teenagers .

Good luck x

Apologies for the boatload of typos - Clearly I should be asleep!

My mother moved frequently, I made friends.
Those two girls are nasty it is better she doesn’t have friends like them.

I hated school because of this sort of thing. I only made real proper friends when I left and went to 6th form (one of the mean girls also went there however and did something mean to me when we were 20 but that's another story, I dumped her).

It's hard and horrible now but in the long run the trash has taken itself out as Mumsnetters are fond of saying. These girls are nasty and she will need support with navigating this, but she will be better off without these catty girls.

It does sound like bullying. I would raise it with the school if it continues when its open again .

Honestly this sort of thing is so common amongst younger teen girls. Tje likelihood is thry will have forgotten about it and moved on to something else by the time school goes back.
I think your criticism of the school is very unfair. Firstly, this is a wholly 'out of school' problem concerning your daughter's social media contacts in the midst of school holidays. All they seem to have said is 'i dont want to be friends'. Whilst this is devastating for your dd, it isnt bullying to tell someone ypu don't want to be their friend any more. Why havent ypu got your dd to block them for a start? What do you actually expect them to do about a teenaged spat in the middle of school holidays when the kids arent even in (and the staff are not paid to work)?

I would send the tiktok video to the girls parents asking them to speak to their daughters. If they don't want to be friends with your daughter- fine. Bullying online- not acceptable. I would be livid if one of my dc had done something like that.

But they might not be livid. Those girls, parents are friends and have been since primary schools so it might not go down well.

And it will probably result in than behaving even worse towards her at school.

I’m so sorry your daughter (& you!) are dealing with this. My dd, just finished yr11, has had issues finding and staying friends with others during secondary - it’s heartbreaking when they’re trying their best and others are continually nasty, bitchy & exclusionary. Please assure your dd she is not alone in having to face this, I kept reassuring dd that it wasn’t just her - others are and have been in the same boat. The library is absolutely the right place to hang out at break times - and she may well find others in the same situation there which is a good way to kick off a friendship! Dd has developed an incredible independence of character and a seriously thick skin, she has learnt to roll her eyes and walk away from deliberate wind ups (though not necessarily from their siblings🙄). Activities out of school have really helped - she doesn’t meet up with people out of them but does have a joyful, social time when she’s there. I have made an effort to put activities in during the holidays where we do stuff (theatre trip, hike) /she can do something with similar aged kids (climbing course etc) so they don’t drag with loneliness. It’s only another year of GCSEs and she can move on to better things!!

I could have written this post! I’m so sad to read that it has happened to so many!

My daughter was ditched by her friends, two girls who had been friends since early primary. The worst part was I could see it coming - three’s a crowd, if they have to choose they won’t pick the ‘outsider’, when situations arise where the ‘outsider’ and one of the ‘couple’ are paired in sports or do things together when the other isn’t available it creates tension. Honestly, anyone reading this with an outsider child, encourage new friendships - I did and it fell on deaf ears but if you have any success it will save so much heartbreak.

My daughter has classes with the girls and had to go through the embarrassment and fear of walking into a room knowing she was going to be ignored/whispered about and made to feel uncomfortable. The head of year authorised a temporary break card, meaning if she felt overwhelmed and desperately uncomfortable she could request a break and leave the classroom for a short time. This was helpful in giving comfort and may have sent a message to the girls that X is now able to leave the classroom; is it because of us? Does the school know what we’ve done? (without taking formal bullying steps, we didn’t want conversations with the girls just yet - wanted to see how it played out after the initial fall out. Appreciate you may feel differently).

I also did some role play with her, we spoke about the value (lack of) in the friendship so she went into it with her head held high ‘this has hurt me, but I’m worth more, I’m better off without them’ attitude. When they realised she was presenting this way they backed off - even tried to get back in with her!

I know the answer to bullying isn’t just presenting a certain way or there would be no bullying! But it helped my daughter, and I wanted to share and show solidarity.

My daughter is now in a new friendship group and very happy. She’s still in classes with the girls but much less bothered, if at all.

Oh, my heart goes out to her. This happened to me too at this age (it seems it's common but that's no comfort). In my case, a friend told me something sexual that I wrote in my diary. Another friend came to my house for a sleepover and grabbed my diary and read it. She immediately told the original person, who denied it and I was ostracised for being a liar. (Which I was not but I understand why she said that.)

It went on for about a year. I just got on with my life, really. I was a good student, I had stuff to do, and there was no social media to add salt to the wound. I'd just roll my eyes quietly if they started anything in class, never gave them anything to work with.

I always knew I wasn't in the wrong, and so somehow I was able to deal with it on the level of 'these people aren't worth it so bide your time and change your focus'. It did get better but that was a lonely year. I am so sorry for your dd and wish her a lot of strength. She will at some point find her people and it will feel amazing.

The GCSE curriculum should be the same even in grammar schools as isn’t the content set by the government? There might be some difference in how it is tested or laid out depending on the examining board used ie AQA, OCR etc but as long as you buy the right examining board revision book for each subject she will be fine.

The mindset of “send her back in, don’t let the other girls win” is tempting but sadly they have already won. If it were my daughter I wouldn’t sacrifice her mental health / self esteem just to try and make this point. The stress of it could also have an affect on her GCSE results.

Personally I would go with either homeschooling or transferring to a different senior school with a 6th form she wants to go to. She’s fortunate to have had 4 years of grammar school teaching, and has already learnt a good portion of GCSE content in Y10. She’s only got about 5/6 months left of being taught new content before the school will stop that and switch to going over old content / revision before the exams in May. Is all the drama / trauma of sending her back to school worth it just for 5 months of teaching?? Some of the stories others who were in a similar position have posted on here are horrible.

By pulling her out you are showing her she has boundaries that others should respect, and that she shouldn’t have to put up with shitty behaviour. Being able to recognise a toxic situation and walk away for the good of yourself is an important skill, it teaches not to be a people pleaser / not to force yourself into situations that cause anxiety

Personally I would go with either homeschooling or transferring to a different senior school with a 6th form she wants to go to. She’s fortunate to have had 4 years of grammar school teaching, and has already

By pulling her out you are showing her she has boundaries that others should respect, and that she shouldn’t have to put up with shitty behaviour.

WTAF

No, by doing that, you are teaching her that bullies win, and she has to leave because some people were nasty to her

Why should she mess up the last year of her education and be grateful for what she's had just because of some bullies.

I'm really appalled at your post, to be honest.

In life, you are going to come across all sorts of people. You don't get on with or who, aren't nice to you. It happens at work.It happens everywhere you need to learn to cope with it, not run away.

All these comments about moving schools or homeschooling are a bit premature

This horrible ditching has just happened. For all we know the OP’s DD may make new friends within the next few weeks once school restarts. If that doesn’t happen and she is getting ongoing nastiness from these girls then it might be time to consider changes but it’s a bit soon to catastrophise right now surely.

I agree with this, to a certain extent. It would take a few weeks to research and plan a school move anyway. But if things hadn’t shown signs of improving within a few weeks I would be taking my daughter out.

We have different views, but I still stand by what I said. Do you think the bullies care if the OPs daughter “wins” by coming back to the school? In their eyes she is still losing because they will keep her ostracised from the group and make her life miserable. There is no “winning” here.

I would be the bigger person and move away from it all. My mum, however, would have made me go back to the school to prove the point. Unfortunately I have turned out as a people pleaser who is unable to set boundaries for myself, at 40 and after decades of dealing with panic attacks I am only just learning. There is a reason our teenagers mental health is suffering this kind of pushy “you can have it all / be the best” mindset doesn’t help.

When again in her life is she going to be in a classroom full of bitchy 15 year old girls? Never. So forcing her back is not teaching her anything moving forward except to not listen to herself or problem solve around it. There’s more than one way to skin a cat when it comes to passing GCSEs

You're making it about them rather than about her.

Do you think the bullies are going to say, oh, dear, we were nasty and she sure showed us by not coming back?

Will they hell.

Teenagers fall out all the time, turning it into something bigger than it is.Is it no one's interests least of all the daughters.

She is at a very good grammar school. Why should she leave and be home schooled and potentially get worse results than she would have done just because of two other children she wont even be friends with again.

Some parents do like to snowflake their children and think they can't cope with anything and then the only result is to remove them and keep them at home.