14 year old taking testosterone behind my back

[ChosenIdeal]

Sorry if this is all over the place, I'm exhausted and rush posting, was going to post in LGBT children but unsure how much traffic it gets

I'm a single mum to 2 DC, boy/girl twins. They're 14 and turning 15 in a couple days. Growing up DD was very much a tomboy, liked all the traditional boy things and DS would be more sensitive and feminine. They’d often wear each others clothes day to day and i embraced it and let them wear and play with whatever they wanted.

When DD was 10, she started saying she hated being a girl, she was a boy and wanted to be called Jacob. She was insistent for 2 years she was a boy not a girl, then she came out officially as trans and demanded me call her that name and he/him, wanted DS to call her his brother which he does. Since then her behaviours changed completely, she's rude and snappy, said she hates me and I'm transphobic. I've tried to compromise with a nickname as she hates her birth name but nope. She's been self harming and restricting her eating because that stops periods. She started refusing to go to school so I've been HE her as there was no other options. She's told me she's suicidal, ive allowed her to wear whatever and have her hair however she wants. Hangs around with older boys (16) that live nearby that are trouble. I've tried getting CAMHS involved but nothing

Around the time she came out as trans, DS came out as gay and of course I was supportive but she now says I prefer him over her, I accept him but not her etc

Their dad was abusive towards me and doesn't have much of a relationship with them as in he doesn't see them, he over compensates with money and presents and undermining me, he lives 5 hours away (he moved).

I've taken them away for the week for their birthdays, a small break at the seaside. dd has been stroppy and angry the whole trip saying she didn't want to come she hates me, she can't wait to be 18. I found out earlier she's been taking testosterone gel she bought online, her dad gave her the money although I don't think she said what it was for, he does give them quite a bit each month allowance way more than I could afford. She's apparently been on it a month and so far her voice has changed slightly but not enough I've noticed.

I've taken it and she hit me, said she wants to live with her dad or anywhere but me. I don't want to ruin the trip for DS or his birthday so I'm thinking of giving it back to her til were home but I don't know

argh!

.

Do you know exactly how she’s got hold of that? There’s no circumstance under which she’s obtained that legally.

I would make contact with Bayswater (https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/) if I was you, they are known to be excellent with advice for parents in your position.

i wouldn’t under any circumstances allow her to have the testosterone back.

I’d personally be replacing the actual gel with aloe vera. If you remove it she’ll just replace it. Children should not be medicating themselves with illegal hormones.

Obviously this is dependent on the packaging being of a type that will allow you to substitute

Personally I'd try to talk about where it was purchased and how dangerous unregulated substances can be and offer to make a gp appointment so you can discuss it together through a proper regulated channel. I wouldn't be giving it back under the grounds that its never safe to take unperscribed medication from an unknown source. Reaffirm how much you love and care and want to be supportive but that you also want them to be safe. I'd also be inclined to remove the phone and go through it to see if you can see where this was purchased. There also needs to be a conversation with dad about what the money he's providing is going on and whether an allowance is actuallysafe right now or if it should be banked and held in trust instead so it can't be misused but will still be theirs to keep.

I don't know where exactly she got it. I check her phone regularly but ill have to have a look through her laptop when we're back. It feels like this trip is ruined now as there's no way she's going to let this go and I feel sorry for DS

Can't replace it unfortunately they're little sealed individual packets/sachets

I feel your pain. Been there. I’d advise not giving back the testosterone gel - it’s been acquired illegally. In my situation, whatever tactic I took was hugely resented - and still is. I’m devastated but am learning to live with it.

it's not behind your back if you now know about it.
time to get professionals involved with counselling, taking online drugs is unsafe and needs to be stopped immediately.

Take her to the GP and they can explain why she shouldn't have it. Call them first to discuss.

Can you or her father afford private therapy if CAHMS is unavailable? How would he likely react if he knew about the T?

Her dad does call her the name and he so I don't think he'd be interested, he likes to undermine me.

I think i’d struggle affording private therapy.

She’s already kicking off today and refusing to go anywhere and it's DS’s trip and birthday too

Bump

I'll get abuse for this. Your trans son needs you to accept him. The dysphoria they will be feeling is real. See your GP. Get intouch with mermaids. Or indeed childline. They will offer support for you and your child. Help you work through all the feelings hopefully accepting what your child needs.

Did she have open access to the internet when younger (sounds as if she does now, on her phone).

If she was happy being herself until 10, you need to wonder what happened at that age.

And any signs of ND?

She didn't have a phone until 11, before starting secondary school. Prior to that she did have an iPad both she and DS shared and they'd just use it to play games, if they wanted to play together at the same time they’d borrow mine but again just for games. I do check her searches but I think she does use a private browser. She’s also on tiktok but she does agree some of them that say they're a trans boy then still dress up as a girl likely aren't trans at all but she's adament she's not like that, she wants to be “stealth” so she looks like a boy to everyone but they don't know she's trans so they treat her like any other boy like her brother and cousins not a trans boy. I understand why people are saying I should accept her but she's saying she doesn't want to wait and can't until she's 16 to go private or many more years on the NHS she wants to transition now but I feel she's too young

Mom with a trans son here, I know it is hard to accept but he is going through a lot. As he is already self harming the worst thing you can do is take it away. Give it back and tell him you are sorry.

Do NOT contact Mermaids unless you want your daughter to end up being sterilised and surgically altered. It’s a so called charity under heavy investigation.

Sorry for not wanting her daughter to be permanently harmed?

Yes, do get in touch with mermaids OP, they have lots of useful information and advice on how your daughter can go ahead and damage her body with hormones, breast binders and eventually surgery. They will probably not tell her about the risks involved in surgery, the infertility, the vaginal atrophy that will make her sex life painful and unfulfilling, the high risk of osteoporosis, the increased probability of heart issues, the hair growth and altered voice which will be permanent if she ever changes her mind, not to mention that if she does carry on with her plan she will be a small, not very believable Trans Identifying Woman , not a boy, never a man, with long lasting and debilitating health issues.

She is obviously very confused , about sexuality and her body. I think you can be supportive of her anxiety , but tell her she is too young to be making decisions like this without proper reliable and truthful advice. Tell her she can use whatever name she wants, dress how she wants and use whatever pronouns she wants, but her sex will never change she will always be female. Taking testosterone won’t grow her a penis, but will mess up her body in other ways. If she is planning on having emotional relationships with girls then tell her being a butch lesbian is fine, she can have a happy and healthy life as one without having to make her body pay the price.

Not only is your post absolutely appalling - in effect telling a distressed parent that they either accept that their daughter is now a boy (which they can never be because no one in the history of mankind has ever been able to change sex), but it’s also factually incorrect. the Cass review, plus many other peer reviewed papers a]have gone on to but the myth you’re trying to promote. In fact, suicidal ideation increased rather than decreases if a child continues down the pathway of gender ideology.the vast majority end up as same sex attracted adults.

Relapsed into what? A girl? Your child will always be a female because no one can change sex.

Please don’t make the same mistake my friend did with her trans son. She didn’t even try to listen to what her son is going through and tried to put her religion over her kid. I know this is a lot but at least use his name and pronouns. It is okay to slip up at first just correct yourself and don’t make a big deal out of it and apologize all the time. My son got his hands on testosterone at 14 without me knowing. When I found out that he did it without a prescription, I quickly tried my best to find an endocrinologist to get his levels tested. Try to be safe testosterone gel because it absorbs during skin to skin contact. Wish you the best :)

Do not contact mermaids that is a terrible idea.

inwould look through the TikTok account, I’d be worried that she has potentially bought it off someone on there and if she’s down that hole TikTok will be showing her a lot of trans related things.
Research into therapists, I know you’ve said you can’t afford currently, but it maybe still worth looking into, some aren’t as expensive and there may be payment options, something to consider, this thread has several links to finding ones that don’t approach it from a rush to affirm and bridge water as mentioned above are also good
www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5065144-gender-critical-therapists

What utter rubbish. Go on to their website! They offer support. No child is offered surgery. Ridiculous. Do you know the waiting list on the NHS for surgery and that is only consenting adults.