14 year old taking testosterone behind my back

[ChosenIdeal]

Sorry if this is all over the place, I'm exhausted and rush posting, was going to post in LGBT children but unsure how much traffic it gets

I'm a single mum to 2 DC, boy/girl twins. They're 14 and turning 15 in a couple days. Growing up DD was very much a tomboy, liked all the traditional boy things and DS would be more sensitive and feminine. They’d often wear each others clothes day to day and i embraced it and let them wear and play with whatever they wanted.

When DD was 10, she started saying she hated being a girl, she was a boy and wanted to be called Jacob. She was insistent for 2 years she was a boy not a girl, then she came out officially as trans and demanded me call her that name and he/him, wanted DS to call her his brother which he does. Since then her behaviours changed completely, she's rude and snappy, said she hates me and I'm transphobic. I've tried to compromise with a nickname as she hates her birth name but nope. She's been self harming and restricting her eating because that stops periods. She started refusing to go to school so I've been HE her as there was no other options. She's told me she's suicidal, ive allowed her to wear whatever and have her hair however she wants. Hangs around with older boys (16) that live nearby that are trouble. I've tried getting CAMHS involved but nothing

Around the time she came out as trans, DS came out as gay and of course I was supportive but she now says I prefer him over her, I accept him but not her etc

Their dad was abusive towards me and doesn't have much of a relationship with them as in he doesn't see them, he over compensates with money and presents and undermining me, he lives 5 hours away (he moved).

I've taken them away for the week for their birthdays, a small break at the seaside. dd has been stroppy and angry the whole trip saying she didn't want to come she hates me, she can't wait to be 18. I found out earlier she's been taking testosterone gel she bought online, her dad gave her the money although I don't think she said what it was for, he does give them quite a bit each month allowance way more than I could afford. She's apparently been on it a month and so far her voice has changed slightly but not enough I've noticed.

I've taken it and she hit me, said she wants to live with her dad or anywhere but me. I don't want to ruin the trip for DS or his birthday so I'm thinking of giving it back to her til were home but I don't know

argh!

As a GP I absolutely would not be doing blood tests for this, would look at the broader mental health and involve social services and the police.

Lies

Many parents say it's a phase at first, my trans son had many signs I missed when he was growing up. The NHS has a really long waiting list which is why my son bought testosterone online because it was quicker.

How is her dad doing better when he was abusive toward me, lives 5 hours away and doesn't see them and just wants to undermine me? Interestingly because I accepted DS being gay, ex didn't and was extremely homophobic toward him and DS now doesn't want to see him anyway

She had an appointment at CAMHS which was the initial one but she wouldn't talk to them and they basically said they couldn't help, we had a few over the phone appointments but after that nothing.

She says her eating and self harm are both due to dysphoria, she said earlier she hadn't self harmed since she’d been on testosterone I don't know how true that js. I didn't want her to go on the pill so young due to it messing with her hormones but maybe I was wrong.

Puberty without blockers are not reversible.

I am a fence sitter on this topic. I can see both sides and think each situation should be addressed individually rather than with a sweeping or unequivocal position. We are talking about an individual person and not a broader issue about trans kids.

As the parent of a complex 14 year old, I am really sorry this is the week you are having. Your child does not hate you; they do not like who they are at the moment. It took us three attempts and for my son to drop into the 7th centile for weight whilst being in the 92nd for height for anybody to help us with his disordered eating. CAMHS has been incredibly hard to gain access to and it was only when he did something very, very extreme that they began to take it seriously (plus investigate us as a child protection issue - with an apology afterwards). We had pushed and pushed and pushed.

HEd sounds a nightmare (not your fault) and that you are not receiving the wrap around support your child needs. I have worked with vulnerable young people who question their gender and am not an advocate for medical interventions at all. However, most services hold this position too as they support social transition and provide services that help the young person with their gender dysphoria through DPD or other therapeutic interventions. Just because you access those services does not mean it is a one way track to full medical transition and most young people (IME) simply benefit from being validated then live comfortably within their bodies and gender without surgical or hormonal change.

Simply saying no you are not or not acknowledging their position means you are all currently stuck. Start conversations with professionals - truly not everyone is an evangelist for a trans agenda and most (if not all) will be entirely focused upon helping your child.

All this is said with care and an understanding of how difficult it is. You all need further support.

I feel for you OP, as someone who’s been/going through the same. My dd is older so I now have no control over what she does but I still worry sick about her putting anything into her body that shouldn’t be there. I spend a lot of time having to listen to her tell me about hormones and testosterone….how she can’t wait to be on it, I have to keep my mouth firmly closed or I am accused of being transphobic. My dd changed her name when she was 17, I try and call her by that name but often forget. I worry sick about what damage she will do to herself but if I say a word out of place she will not talk to me.

It’s hard to know what to do for the best. I have always allowed my kids to make their own choices (within reason) but it’s so hard when their choices could affect the rest of their lives negatively.

No one should be prescribing T to a 14 year old, they have purchased it illegally. I would explain this too them but offer to take them to the GP to go down the correct route (which can take a looooooong time), this way you show your support but this also gives you/her time to make sure it’s what she really wants to do (in hope she changes her mind). The big worry is that they sink into depression, get into the wrong crowd, get into trouble at school or become suicidal. Going down the correct route would mean having mental health assessments, possibly some counselling which could be a good thing?

The FACTS are that you have no idea what is actually in that 'testosterone gel' , and that the OPs child is self harming. Both of those warrant a visit to a GP in the first instance.

Obviously puberty isn't reversible and it's not supposed to be. Puberty blockers are also not reversible, which is why they are so dangerous and have been banned in the UK! As the parent of a 'trans son' you should really be informed to a basic level on this stuff.

For hating himself more and more which leads to if he died he can be born again as a boy.

No, they absolutely are not. Do your research before saying such dangerous stuff.

OP where is your child learning this stuff? She's obviously got enough free reign on the internet to have ordered this stuff unnoticed. No more social media for a start.

What nonsense are you talking now?

there is testosterone in testosterone gel.

obviously because you don't understand the minds of trans kids. Mind told me they would die to be born as a boy in their next life.

They are not. Please stop lying.

OP this thread is going to decend into choas and you'll get little help.

What I'd do is make DC an appointment with the GP to talk about illegal drug use, mental health and trans stuff and get all the referrals going. An ED is very high risk, and you all need support with it. And tell everyone, you'll need help from the GP, school, family and friends. Don't let them fob you off with just a trans waiting list, all these mental health issues will come out again regardless.

Looks like you didn't do your research.

A quick google search would tell you they are.

No they're not, and the fact that you believe they are demonstrates the dangers of getting your information from organisations like Mermaids and Gender GP, who are financially invested in transing kids.

The NHS website clearly states that some of the effects of puberty blockers are not reversible (and that includes infertility):

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/gender-dysphoria/treatment/

Namely:

"These hormones cause some irreversible changes, such as:

• breast development (caused by taking oestrogen)
• breaking or deepening of the voice (caused by taking testosterone)

Long-term gender-affirming hormone treatment may cause temporary or even permanent infertility."

Goodness in surprised some of these posts have been left to stand.

Lots of misinformation, and medical too!

Have reported.

OP huge sympathy. You're doing what you can. You have to hold the line for your DC.

I hope your son understands that there is stuff going on right now but that you'll make sure he gets proper birthday treat at some point xx

And you think that illustrates that your child understands what they are doing?

Sorry, that sounds harsh. what I meant was if that is what your child is telling you then there are clearly things going on inside her head that are not rational thought processes, and why should they be? She is a child, with a child’s immature brain and understanding of the world, which is why as her parent , you need to be the one in control of the logic, the science and the facts so you can respond to her in a way that moves her thinking on, not confirms her misunderstanding.

I wouldn't go to CAMHS, they'll affirm she is a boy and push her further along the path like they did with a friend of mine.
Testosterone is a poison for females.
Some girls go into menopause 30 years early 😰