14 year old taking testosterone behind my back

[ChosenIdeal]

Sorry if this is all over the place, I'm exhausted and rush posting, was going to post in LGBT children but unsure how much traffic it gets

I'm a single mum to 2 DC, boy/girl twins. They're 14 and turning 15 in a couple days. Growing up DD was very much a tomboy, liked all the traditional boy things and DS would be more sensitive and feminine. They’d often wear each others clothes day to day and i embraced it and let them wear and play with whatever they wanted.

When DD was 10, she started saying she hated being a girl, she was a boy and wanted to be called Jacob. She was insistent for 2 years she was a boy not a girl, then she came out officially as trans and demanded me call her that name and he/him, wanted DS to call her his brother which he does. Since then her behaviours changed completely, she's rude and snappy, said she hates me and I'm transphobic. I've tried to compromise with a nickname as she hates her birth name but nope. She's been self harming and restricting her eating because that stops periods. She started refusing to go to school so I've been HE her as there was no other options. She's told me she's suicidal, ive allowed her to wear whatever and have her hair however she wants. Hangs around with older boys (16) that live nearby that are trouble. I've tried getting CAMHS involved but nothing

Around the time she came out as trans, DS came out as gay and of course I was supportive but she now says I prefer him over her, I accept him but not her etc

Their dad was abusive towards me and doesn't have much of a relationship with them as in he doesn't see them, he over compensates with money and presents and undermining me, he lives 5 hours away (he moved).

I've taken them away for the week for their birthdays, a small break at the seaside. dd has been stroppy and angry the whole trip saying she didn't want to come she hates me, she can't wait to be 18. I found out earlier she's been taking testosterone gel she bought online, her dad gave her the money although I don't think she said what it was for, he does give them quite a bit each month allowance way more than I could afford. She's apparently been on it a month and so far her voice has changed slightly but not enough I've noticed.

I've taken it and she hit me, said she wants to live with her dad or anywhere but me. I don't want to ruin the trip for DS or his birthday so I'm thinking of giving it back to her til were home but I don't know

argh!

She'd been confused for boy by strangers in shops and even other children much younger than 10 as she's always had short hair, would never allow me to put it up she always wanted it short and would wear her brothers clothes which I never had an issue with, I still don't now when she chooses clothes out the boys section. When she was at school she’d wear the boys' uniform and shoes etc, she's always gotten along with boys better than girls and I had no issue with any of that. But things have escalated with the self harm and restricted eating and now the testosterone

I'll try and get her into the GP for blood tests but that's if she'd go, I'm also worried that there’ll be a social services referral. I also doubt she’d go to an appointment for therapy if they’d be there telling her she isn't trans etc as she refuses to talk to me about it, calls me transphobic and says I don't understand. She says she's not a lesbian, she's attracted to men not women and that makes me homophobic if I say she's not gay because DS is gay and he then agrees with her as he agrees trans men are men etc and they can be gay

I don't believe removing the gel is going to help anything than delay the process and make him hate you more.

What on earth makes you think that saying something like this is remotely ok? Why would you? Do you actually believe that teenagers are milking themselves in droves because their parents won't affirm their trans identity? Not happening. Who does it benefit to promote this nonsense?

Why do you believe that?

Grim, enabling shite

Testosterone bought off the internet is not treatment.

Testosterone at the levels she's likely applying is just another way that she is harming herself - permanent damage being done. She needs treatment for the self-harm, no matter whether that's in the form of cutting, starving, or drug taking.

Brains always match your body, because a brain is your body.

Fashion choices aren't intrinsic to you, gender is social expectations which we can break without taking hormones which cause harm.

OP, you need to get your child some mental health support. No-one who's self-harming is in a fit state to be making such major decisions about their future health.

Brains ARE our bodies. There is no high suicide rate for people with gender dysphoria, whether 'treated' or not. Please stop the passive aggressive smily faces at the end of each post, it makes you look witless

Op - you are 100% doing the right thing. Do not back down and give back the gel. It's been obtained illegally and without prescription. Take her to the gp, let social services make a referral. You'll be in the system then and be able access support quicker. If this is what she/he wants then eventually it will happen but not until they are an adult. Make that clear.

This may be a phase for lack of a better word. You read about it regularly which is why new laws around children obtaining hormones etc have changed.

You are the parent, you are absolutely looking out for his/her best interests here. You sound supportive but unsure and you need to seek advice on to proceed.

Do not be bully into anything until you've spoken to a professional(s).

I think you are confusing yourself with tucutes (people who don't believe gender dysphoria is required to be trans). If her son is actually trans he would make an effort to pass as a guy. Who are you to say what you like or don't like about his body. It's not your body and you can't decide for him. People like you are the reason why "Your body, my choice" is a thing. Why are you caring about his sex life? Or his fertility? If you did your research testosterone strengthens your bones instead of causing osteoporosis. It's actually trans women who are prone to osteoporosis. Heart issues are more common in men and yes, testosterone has pros can cons. Did you know that testosterone can grow a mini penis?

Why are you caring about his sex life? Or his fertility?

Ridiculous question

Did you know that testosterone can grow a mini penis?

Ok now I think you are a GC on a wind up ;)

I would allow her to transition socially but not medically. No cross sex hormones, no blockers, nothing that could harm her or is irreversible. I don't agree with it but it's happening anyway, I'd rather have some control over it. I may also consider putting her on the progesterone only contraceptive pill, as this can often stop your periods, as a compromise.

The transphobia on this site is appalling 😳
Op I think you’d find better advice away from here?

An enlarged clit is not a mini penis 🤣

Worded it wrong but that's what I meant

maybe reddit, I agree this site has lots of transphobes

OP, your daughter is self harming and has an eating disorder. Those are symptoms of poor mental health . I think the time has come for people to recognise that for many young women the “being trans” declaration is another indication that your child’s mental health is severely compromised. It is not about being kind, or accepting that your child is old enough and mature enough to understand the implications of what they are “feeling” , it is accepting that this is as much an expression of their mental confusion as anorexia, bulimia, self harm, drinking and drug use. Especially true for girls, especially true for girls with diagnosed or undiagnosed autism /ASD.

We don’t have parents encouraging their children to self harm or to restrict their eating , so why is it acceptable for parents to encourage their immature, vulnerable children to say they are transgender. It is hard because the trans lobby has proved itself to be relentless, determinedly proactive on social media, and very adept at tuning in on unhappy and confused childrens insecurities. I don’t know why this is in the UK, but I know that in the US the child transgender lobby is a multi billion dollar business, perhaps in the UK we are just getting the back wash from that cynical business model. Children want to conform and be part of a group, and we all know the group that is shouting out the loudest at the moment.

My son took birth control but it didn't work as well because he was always getting breakthrough bleeding he told me the withdrawal was really painful.

This book might be of interest OP. https://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Kids-Say-Theyre-Trans/dp/1800752644

What you are advocating for his highly harmful and damaging.

when a child expresses they are the opposite gender, by people like you feeding into it you're doing more harm than good.
if you have a biological girl as a child and they start saying they're a boy before puberty, and you have (very stupid) people like you enabling this.. 'yes darling you ARE a boy' you are setting them up for mental crisis and depression. When those hormones flood in and they go through puberty and discover that they actually ARENT a boy when breast grow and periods start, they are going to be even more lost than ever. If you fed into that ideology with the child from a young age, you are directly to blame for their mental crisis. 'But mummy, you told me I was a boy?'

trans people have HIGHER suicide rates than not.

Why am I caring about those things? Because someone has to, especially when people are putting out false information about the effects of cross sex hormones on the human body.