Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Expectations re birthday lunch... is it me?

103 replies

DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 15:30

My mum had a big birthday recently and for part of her present DH and I offered to take her out for a fancy dinner.

Think high-end £100+ ish a head type place. Not the sort of place we would usually eat at but, as I say, it was a big birthday.

There were six of us; me DH and our two DC; my mum and her husband. When the bill came I had expected my mum's husband to chip in and cover his share, leaving me to pay for my mum and the rest of my family... but he didn't. He had assumed that me treating my mum meant me treating him as well.

Was I in the wrong here for assuming that me offering to treat my mum meant covering her dinner and not his too? (And yes I should have been more explicit; I know that now! I just paid the whole thing and smiled rather than have any drama at what was otherwise a very nice family meal out)

OP posts:
Sweetmelonff · 26/08/2025 15:32

Goodness I’d have felt SO awkward accepting money from just one person and treating everyone else

BrightLightTonight · 26/08/2025 15:34

If you didn’t want to pay for him, you shouldn’t have invited him. YABU

Kipperandarthur · 26/08/2025 15:35

As you were paying for your family and your Mum, I do agree with the above that it would have been rather awkward to have taken money from your Mum's husband.

Might have been nice if he had offered though and then you declined the offer of his contribution.

HardworkSendHelp · 26/08/2025 15:35

No I would not have expected him to pay.

Original poster
DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 15:35

I see your point @Sweetmelonff but the "everyone else" there was my DH (who was paying half anyway really as we share family money) and our two small children. Not quite the same as me paying for five adults and leaving one out..

OP posts:
flipent · 26/08/2025 15:35

YABU. If you offer to take people out, you pay. Unless you have a very clear conversation about the expectations in advance.
Imagine it the other way round. How would you feel if your mum invited you out, then expected your husband to pay for himself!

Nowwhat01 · 26/08/2025 15:35

Yes. That would be so awkward. Why would you be petty to single him out? You shouldn’t have extended the invitation to him then.

GreenAndWhiteStripes · 26/08/2025 15:36

In these circumstances I think YABU and I would assume you were paying for both of them. It would be different if it had been a larger group.

HelloHattie · 26/08/2025 15:36

No that would have been very odd. I’ll pay for everyone except you Bert.

BetweenTwoFerns · 26/08/2025 15:36

Sweetmelonff · 26/08/2025 15:32

Goodness I’d have felt SO awkward accepting money from just one person and treating everyone else

Me too! You can’t pay the whole bill apart from one person I don’t think. If I was him, it wouldn’t have crossed my mind that you were not paying.

MidnightPatrol · 26/08/2025 15:37

A bit strange to only exclude him tbh.

Indianajet · 26/08/2025 15:37

You offered to take them out, so you should pay.

MageQueen · 26/08/2025 15:37

In this situation, yes, I would assume that you are offering t pay for her and your step dad. If I tell my dad I'm taking him out for a nice dinner for his birthday and include his partner on the invite, I am 100% assuming I am paying for both of them.

GoldDuster · 26/08/2025 15:37

Taking money from one person in this case would have been very awkward. You invited everyone out for your mums Birthday, you foot the bill IMO.

Sweetmelonff · 26/08/2025 15:37

You took your two small children to a high end £100 plus a head restaurant?

and yes even with that detail… I’d have paid for him

but waiting for the back story that he’s a cheeky sod generally and you don’t like him

Octavia64 · 26/08/2025 15:37

In similar circumstances I’d pay for the whole group.

in the same way if my mum takes me out for my birthday my kids come along to and she pays for them.

if you reverse it, it would be very weird if gif your birthday she just paid for you and not your dh of kids.

Lafufufu · 26/08/2025 15:37

That's really weird of you.

I would expect to pay for the full meal if I invited them out

If I had been invited out as the +1 I would not offer and i would be concerned you'd be insulted that I offered to "pay for my plate"

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 26/08/2025 15:37

I see the point but you really can't pay for everyone in a group except one person. It would have been a nice gesture for him to offer to pay for something like the wine.

Next time, assume that if you're paying for one you have to pay for the other and factor that into your budget when picking a restaurant.

Original poster
DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 15:38

Might have been nice if he had offered though and then you declined the offer of his contribution

You see this is what I thought would happen! I wouldn't ever have taken his money but I thought he might offer. It was the assumption I was just covering his bill too that I found a bit weird.

But I'm very happy to be told IWBU here

OP posts:
BetweenTwoFerns · 26/08/2025 15:38

DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 15:35

I see your point @Sweetmelonff but the "everyone else" there was my DH (who was paying half anyway really as we share family money) and our two small children. Not quite the same as me paying for five adults and leaving one out..

We know who was there!

Crinkle77 · 26/08/2025 15:39

You are definitely out of order here. You dont pay for everyone bar one person. That would be incredibly rude.

TeeBee · 26/08/2025 15:39

Did you invite him or did he invite himself?

Sweetmelonff · 26/08/2025 15:39

DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 15:38

Might have been nice if he had offered though and then you declined the offer of his contribution

You see this is what I thought would happen! I wouldn't ever have taken his money but I thought he might offer. It was the assumption I was just covering his bill too that I found a bit weird.

But I'm very happy to be told IWBU here

So is the question that you think he should have chipped in OR that he should have offered to (and then you’d have declined and paid for him)?

Lafufufu · 26/08/2025 15:40

DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 15:38

Might have been nice if he had offered though and then you declined the offer of his contribution

You see this is what I thought would happen! I wouldn't ever have taken his money but I thought he might offer. It was the assumption I was just covering his bill too that I found a bit weird.

But I'm very happy to be told IWBU here

So you wanted him to offer so you could decline?

Because that isnt what you wrote...

Was I in the wrong here for assuming that me offering to treat my mum meant covering her dinner and not his too? (And yes I should have been more explicit; I know that now!

MeridaBrave · 26/08/2025 15:40

I think YABU. If you didn’t want to pay for him shouldn’t have invited him to come with.

Swipe left for the next trending thread