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Original poster

Expectations re birthday lunch... is it me?

103 replies

DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 15:30

My mum had a big birthday recently and for part of her present DH and I offered to take her out for a fancy dinner.

Think high-end £100+ ish a head type place. Not the sort of place we would usually eat at but, as I say, it was a big birthday.

There were six of us; me DH and our two DC; my mum and her husband. When the bill came I had expected my mum's husband to chip in and cover his share, leaving me to pay for my mum and the rest of my family... but he didn't. He had assumed that me treating my mum meant me treating him as well.

Was I in the wrong here for assuming that me offering to treat my mum meant covering her dinner and not his too? (And yes I should have been more explicit; I know that now! I just paid the whole thing and smiled rather than have any drama at what was otherwise a very nice family meal out)

OP posts:
Primespace · 26/08/2025 16:06

If someone offered to treat DP to lunch and invited me along, I'd assume they were treating me too. It's not even that I'd be avoiding contributing, I just wouldn't think it appropriate, I might even think it would be rude to suggest I paid for myself.

WellMaybeYouShouldntBeLivingHeeeeeeee · 26/08/2025 16:23

Primespace · 26/08/2025 16:06

If someone offered to treat DP to lunch and invited me along, I'd assume they were treating me too. It's not even that I'd be avoiding contributing, I just wouldn't think it appropriate, I might even think it would be rude to suggest I paid for myself.

I agree with this. Sorry your mum is with an abusive twat though, op. But leaving that aside, I do think you were otherwise being unreasonable in your original take on the situation.

user2848502016 · 26/08/2025 16:25

Can’t believe you would expect him to pay tbh! Yes it is you

R0ckandHardPlace · 26/08/2025 16:26

If you invite a couple, you pay for the couple. When we take DD out for a birthday meal we pay for son-in-law too. It wouldn’t occur to us not to!

Original poster
DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 16:27

It's unanimous that IWBU (even though this isn't AIBU but fair enough).
I accept that completely. My feelings on this guy clearly affected my views and I'm very glad I just paid up.

OP posts:
FeistyFrankie · 26/08/2025 16:30

DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 15:35

I see your point @Sweetmelonff but the "everyone else" there was my DH (who was paying half anyway really as we share family money) and our two small children. Not quite the same as me paying for five adults and leaving one out..

Right but you're saying you would have been perfectly happy to pay for everyone at the table, bar one person. That is really quite rude, OP. In future if you just want to pay for your mum only, really, you should have gone to the restaurant just the two of you.

Essentially you created the impression you'd cover the bill, and are now upset about it? Be clearer next time.

itsachickeninnit · 26/08/2025 16:32

DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 15:38

Might have been nice if he had offered though and then you declined the offer of his contribution

You see this is what I thought would happen! I wouldn't ever have taken his money but I thought he might offer. It was the assumption I was just covering his bill too that I found a bit weird.

But I'm very happy to be told IWBU here

That isn’t what you said in your OP - you said you expected him to chip in and cover his share.

lingmerth · 26/08/2025 16:41

I understand this completely op.
over the past 20 years we’ve taken my dad out for his birthday and Father’s Day and of course his wife comes too. Not once has she ever offered to contribute. Obviously I’ve never said anything but it would have been nice just once for her to have taken me aside and offered to contribute.

singthing · 26/08/2025 16:42

DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 16:27

It's unanimous that IWBU (even though this isn't AIBU but fair enough).
I accept that completely. My feelings on this guy clearly affected my views and I'm very glad I just paid up.

[Notwithstanding the later update about stepdad being a dickhead]

Ok well I will be the lone dissenter then. OP was taking her mum out for her mum's birthday. Mum gets the treat, everyone else contributes.

The fact it was OPs kids making up the party is a bit of a red herring - if it had been OP's siblings or mum's friends or other adults with their own money, they would all be expected to contribute to the lunch. I see the special posh lunch for mum as part of her birthday present. Nobody would expect a present for stepdad too, but that seems equivalent here.

If I was in stepdad's position, I'd offer, if not insist, I paid my way, purely because I recognise it was not a treat for me to glom onto, but for the birthday girl. I would do it quietly during the meal, and/or afterwards privately contact the payer. No need to get two separate bills on the day and make a big deal out of it.

LittleBitofBread · 26/08/2025 16:51

In my world the bill is split between everyone except the birthday person, including the partner of the birthday person when applicable.
So I think YANBU and he's a tight-arse and a piss-taker.

Pancakeorcrepe · 26/08/2025 17:09

Bearing in mind he is abusive, I would have just taken your mum out for dinner or lunch the two of you. Especially if you have young kids, even though you don’t say how old they are. They seem to be old enough to go out to high end dinners but too young to be included in your headcount of five people.

Newbie8918 · 26/08/2025 17:12

‘I’m taking you for a posh bday meal for your big bday’ to me, means I’m paying the bill. I assume you chose who was attending? There’s no way I’d expect him to pay!

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 26/08/2025 17:14

No, I would have expected him to chip in.

Notagain75 · 26/08/2025 17:19

I think as it was your idea I would have assumed you would pay for everyone. I wouldn't have expected him to pay
It's a lot of money for a lunch though! Surely it wasn't 100 for your children's meals?

Anyahyacinth · 26/08/2025 17:22

DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 15:38

Might have been nice if he had offered though and then you declined the offer of his contribution

You see this is what I thought would happen! I wouldn't ever have taken his money but I thought he might offer. It was the assumption I was just covering his bill too that I found a bit weird.

But I'm very happy to be told IWBU here

I doubt they'd have gone to the restaurant without your invitation..which to me means they.are your guests..coming to an event youve arranged ..implicit in that is that you pay. I would have said thank you, maybe offered to cover the tip or tipped an additional amount..but it wouldn't have occurred to me to pay.

sandyhappypeople · 26/08/2025 17:28

really difficult to be honest, if it is something you have arranged and invited them to then I can understand why they both thought you would cover it.

But why are you bothering taking this dickhead out if you don't even like him and he's an abusive arsehole to your mum?

Stick to doing thing with just your mum from now on, or in the interest of not causing a problem, save the big tickets treats for her only and take them both out to dinner to a budget place.

It doesn't sound like you enjoy his company so no way would I be forking out £600+ on a meal where he is present (nevermind if he offers to chip in or not).

Doseofreality · 26/08/2025 17:31

If you expected him to pay for his share, he should have been included in the decision of where to go.

Original poster
DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 18:05

It's a lot of money for a lunch though! Surely it wasn't 100 for your children's meals?

Lots of questions about the ages of the kids and the cost of their meals etc.

Not sure if this changes anything but just so all the facts are straight; they're eight and six and their meals were far cheaper than the £100+ a head that it cost for the adults.
We ate in one of the restaurants at the Shard which had been recommended to me as being welcoming for children, as my mum had always wanted to eat up there for the views and had never had the opportunity before.

Him coming too was presented as a fait accompli rather than his being explicitly invited. In retrospect this is on me for not being far clearer. But my mum had a lovely time and that really is all that matters.

OP posts:
BeaLola · 26/08/2025 18:28

I've probably missed a crucial post so apologies but you describe him as her husband in opening post and in a later obe as someone shes not been with long ?

If he's her DH then I would have expected to pay full bill

If he's a new bloke she's dating and I didn't like him that much I probably would have invited my Mum to lunch with me and have no one else there

Original poster
DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 18:34

Both are true, @BeaLola. They are married but they also haven't been together particularly long (a year or so).

OP posts:
Lafufufu · 26/08/2025 18:34

Okay based on your update i totally get it.

But in that case I simply wouldn't have invited him...

I think you just need to chalk this one up to experience....

pizzaHeart · 26/08/2025 18:36

MageQueen · 26/08/2025 15:37

In this situation, yes, I would assume that you are offering t pay for her and your step dad. If I tell my dad I'm taking him out for a nice dinner for his birthday and include his partner on the invite, I am 100% assuming I am paying for both of them.

This ^

PrimaniTu · 26/08/2025 18:38

YANBU for expecting him to pay. He should have offered. However YABU for inviting him. You should have only taken your mum out as it was her birthday and you wanted to celebrate with just her.

This just cements what an absolute freeloading dick he is.

FieryA · 26/08/2025 18:44

You are totally unreasonable. Of course you should be paying for him. Why should he offer, when you have invited the couple for a treat? If you were that concerned about money, you and your husband should have taken your mom on her own for a meal. Don't offer a meal and then set conditions to who can eat free and who can't.

Closepile · 26/08/2025 18:51

my sister and I took mum and dad out for lunch once for Mother’s Day, saying we’d pay for both their meals. When the bill came my sister told the waitress we were paying half each. Except that her husband and two kids had dined with us too, whereas I was on my own and not flush at the time. I was too taken aback to say anything.